You've had quite the vacation. You've been able to look from the outside into a window of a family that doesn't have much love, affection and affirmation. You now have a better understand of some of your h's projections. It's very sad that to watch "Tiny Tim's" mother be cold towards her son.
Did he put the dirt in something to carry back home? Some people will take dirt from the graves to remember the pour souls that lie beneath the ground.
As for his friend...three years can "age" a person. I'm glad all of you had a good time and I'm also glad your h reconnected w/his friend.
HaWho, you earned your halo and wings. You now have a better understanding of what he's experiencing. It's very sad, but hopefully revisiting those old memories will help in.
HaWho, it looks like you had a pretty decent holidays! Considering the MLC stuff, LOL. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your experience. You have a close view of an MLC with your H. It truly helps to understand what they really go through. I'm sure I could make some of the observations now with my H, that I'm aware of the whole MLC deal, LOL. Both of his parents are deceased now, so I'm guessing he had to deal with whatever unresolved issues some other way. I just hope he will have it figured out and make peace with his parents in his mind. It just so fascinating to me to observe people going through this unresolved issues in such a way that they don't realize they hurt their families in the process. I think I had a brief moment of MLC myself, but I knew to snap out of it before I destroyed my M. Even though, I think it did have an effect a few years later... as my H remembered that, and said that we should have ended the M back then...
I hope your travel back home is very smooth and you have a great New Years!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
HaWho, you're Christmas sounds very insightful. On the whole it sounded like it went well. Your H really does sound like he is trying to work through...a LOT. Just keep your eyes open and find those ways to validate his efforts. Back to KML's post; sometimes we miss those moments to catch them being "good". It made me realize that, in my own efforts to prove that I don't need anyone and can do it all myself, I often miss the fact that my XH enjoys AOS. And that I should offer WOA. This is a tough thing for some of us independent gals to remember. We need to allow those "boys" to feel like men, and men (are expected to) take care of women (to feel manly). Everyone likes to feel needed. So much more to learn...
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Well, I am back home after a wonderful break. I did not realize how much I needed that time away sans MLC in my life. While at my sister's I slept so well and in so doing, discovered I do not sleep nearly as well in my own home.
We took walks in the woods with family and my sister's dog. We had a snowy day and the kids had a taste of my childhood. And we finished a 1000 piece puzzle; plus we played a few board games. It was a quintessential rural New England school break.
My last morning there, I woke up after a very vivid dream. In the dream I met a woman who told me my h had given a necklace to her friend. The dream was so detailed, I even learned the name of the OW. Odd. Even odder? After waking up I felt nothing. I felt neither a tinge of jealousy nor anger. Mostly I just felt intrigued by the certainty of the dream.
While we were away h was back to calling the kids in the morning and evenings. A few times he even called me directly. Up to this point he called on s's cell phone.
When we returned home h had my favorite meal from a restaurant waiting for me and had ordered the kids dinner. I praised and validated. It was thoughtful
New Year's Eve day h peeked out as an adult father but past issues surfaced as well. S13 wanted to go to a friend's house where no adults would be home. S said it would be just him and the friend. I said they could come to our house as that sounded a bit lonely for New Year's. The boy's parents are divorced. I don't know the boy well, but he was over here once for about 20 hours (and slept over) and no adult ever called me. I have yet to meet or talk to one of his parents.
S13 was very mad and wanted to go there. I said no as they are only 13! H backed me up. That was very nice. H reaffirmed my view that it was not right to be there unsupervised all night with no adult present. Crazy!!! Later I found out this boy had 7 or 8 thirteen year old boys & girls over with no adult around. (No wonder they did not want to come here.)
I explained to s13 that, as these parents are divorced, they each only see their son 50% of the time and there is evidence that he is quite unsupervised and left alone a lot considering each parent only takes 50% on. I told him I want to meet the parents. After that s was in a huff all night. Oh well.
The conversation must have pinged a memory for h. H chimed in about a painful New Year's Eve he had as a kid where he was inappropriately alone all night. He told it all in front of the kids. I validated. It is wildly inappropriate that he was that young and alone. There are so many hurts surfacing. I question if there is a bottom to this.
Coming back I just cannot believe he is almost 50 and dealing with all this. As more and more childhood issues bubble to the surface I marvel at the degree to which he buried all this and at the level of dysfunction. (Being back and seeing my MIL I found I could never see her the same way again.)
He spent most of the day in his room. He is sick again. He is sick a lot lately. He did come out to watch a movie with us but returned to his room before the end.
He popped out to say Happy New Year.
And now in to 2017 . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Happy New Year, HaWho! It's really impressive to see your level of detachment. I marvel at your ability to sit back in observer mode and see what's really going on around you.
Im glad your H backed you up with the teen party. Ya never know what 13 year olds can get in to!
Wishing you a peaceful year!!! Xoxo
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I am glad you arrived back home safely. I am also glad you had a nice time away. You don't realize until you are away for a bit just how stressful life was/is.
I don't blame you for wanting to meet the parents of that kid. I think you were wise in stating that he could come over to your home. Leaving children at home, unsupervised, especially NYE isn't good. They can get into all sorts of stuff. Your s will just have to get over himself and one day, he'll be glad you insisted that he be at home where you knew he was safe and sound.
Your h has a lot of childhood issues bubbling up. The trip back east helped w/releasing some of that stuff...continue to list and validate (as you have been doing). I think that in the days ahead, you will hear more and more about his childhood. I think it did him a world of good to go back there and revisit the area.
Happy New Year to you and your family!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Pax and Job. I felt no torment whatsoever in telling s13 he couldn't go that friend's house. In fact, later in the evening, s13 opened a Snapchat from that boy. I saw it from over his shoulder. It was a pic of that boy lounging in a bed with a 13 year old girl. Lovely. So, I am amping up my efforts to talk to s13 about different parenting styles and what it really all means longterm.
S13 quipped "thanks for making Dec. 31 the worst day of the year." Eh, I am so calloused at this point. I laughed and said "hey, it's a new year tomorrow. That gives me 365 opportunities to top myself." He failed to see the humor.
So, here's a first. Anger surfaced again and in that short circuit sort of way. This is not the unusual part as I have certainly seen the anger throughout. However, what is different is that the anger even surprised him.
My h despises swearing. He always had. His mother on the other hand was quite vulgar in her language. He especailly found it distateful when women swore and I am sure this was the root. He always said he couldn't stand her language.
So we had a repairman over the other day. H had put the dog in the backyard. But he also put the dog's new bed out there and in a wet part of the pavement.
I was exasperated as the bed is new and who wants a dog lying on a wet bed? So I started to ask why the bed was in a pool of water. H told me that is where the bed belongs?!?!? I start to lose patience and tell him it's a new bed and does not belong there. I am not yelling but I am frustrated as it is SO stupid.
He gets all fidgety and suddenly says "shut the f#ck up!"
And I am not sure which of us is more surprised. He seems confused. I can tell he knows it's way off base. Then he gives a gasp and scurries out of the room. The rest of the day he is over the top nice but out of sorts. I did not bother saying anything as it was obvious to him that it was bizarre. And so wrong.
The very day before he had been talking about his mother's swearing.
Today the boys and I are pretty sick. We caught what my neice had. It's a brutal headache, like my head is in a vise-grip. And there's a heaviness in our chests. H has been clucking over us like a hen. I think it's guilt over dropping the F bomb. He never swears.
A few days ago, when we returned home from visiting family, I mentioned that it's time to put the Xmas stuff away and how sad it is. I tried a slow ease approach to prepare h for all this given his bizarre reaction last year. (For those who are new, he told me we should leave the tree up through February!)
H's response: there is nothing wrong with leaving it all up until July. And he is serious.
??????????????
And now I remember tht he DID leave the fake holiday tree up until almost the 4th of July. If he ever wakes up I really want to probe on the logic of all this.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I'm sorry that you and your boys are sick. I hope it's not that nasty bug going around that lingers for weeks on end. If you don't see any improvement in a couple of days...then trot yourselves off to the doctor for antibiotics. It's the only thing that will kill the germ.
As for the swearing...I'm sure you both were very surprised as to what came out of his mouth. He's been very cautious during his anger periods and this time it slipped out. It happens and hopefully it won't happen again. He was very frustrated about the entire conversation about the dog's bed.
As for the Christmas stuff...not surprised about the July response. LOL! He does love the decorations and maybe they remind him of happier times...but I know you'll be taking them down once you feel better.
I wanted to just say that your advice to others has been spot on. You've been giving excellent advice to others. Thank you!
Feel better soon!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
