Why do you allow her to keep you in the friendzone?
Say a divorce is final and signed off but eh judges...would you still be her buffer?
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
You should not let her pick and choose the parts of your R which she wants to continue.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I miss my best friend. I know that the woman that was once there has changed, but I sure do miss her. I miss coffee with her on Saturday mornings. I miss stroking her hair as she fell asleep. I miss waking up early and watching her sleep peacefully. I even miss the calls asking me to pick something up on the way home from work. Things have changed so rapidly for me that my mind has not had time to catch up. None of this makes any sense whatsoever.
How do you take your memories and feelings for your W and put them up on a shelf for safe keeping?
It's tough indeed. I know this well. It does get better over time but expect to have seemingly random things trigger "the lonely". For me having a routine helps. For example I adjusted my weekends so that the time that I used to have for spending time with W is now filled with other things. It still took me a while before I could wake up on a Sunday morning and look forward to the day. It's also helped me to have some good friends and my kids who I could reach out to when it got bad. I'd text D24 saying that I was feeling "the lonely" hard that day and she would send me back some pictures of her cats playing, or what she was doing.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
OK so the W called telling that the D papers are ready and that they are going to serve me today...what a wonderful way to start your morning. I have not retained an attorney yet, but have consulted with one. The W is trying to get me to just use her attorney and keep the cost down...she has stated that there are no demands in the papers and that everything says that the parties will agree on everything. I am really struggling with this. Do I retain an attorney to cover my ass and really piss her off more? I understand that at this stage it is about covering my @$$, but I also don't really want to spend $5k either. I also understand that I shouldn't believe much of anything that she is saying.
After listening to her spew last night about her family, she calls me to tell me about the papers and also to accuse me of talking to her sister about her. I know everyone has said that standing for you marriage is the hardest thing you will do, but this is ridiculous. She is making it easy for me to not view her in a good light any more. I love her more than anything, but I sure don't like her right now.
She is wanting to fly thru the D...why? To get on with her happy new life? To be able to start a relationship with another man? Who knows, but this D stuff is for the birds. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Anyway...she copied me into the email and drug me into the conversation. I told them both that they are siblings and need to work this out. I told my W that she has made it clear that she doesn't want my opinion about anything else and asked why is this different. Her response was golden...she said that I have always been her buffer between her and them. Hasn't she fired me from that role?
She came to my house this evening to get something for the kids and I sat and listened to her for quite a while without preaching. It is funny how she wants out of our M, but still needs the R when it's handy. I tried to validate her without giving my real opinion.
SBJ
Mine was very similar in this ... VERY. Even got to a point where she would try and tell me about OM and things he complained about in their R ... WTF?!!>?
Here is what I learned, maybe its part of MLC script for some and not all type thing but I will give you my personal theory on this. Imagine the intimacy and love that is shared between a husband and a wife as something tangible, like a leather jacket. The MLCr simply takes our leather jacket and puts it on another or in some cases in the closet, transferring the love and intimacy instantly to the other person/in the rare cases here no one. In their heads they simply just do not 'love us like that' anymore ... but we still hold onto that friendship shirt, the father pants, the financial supporting shoes, and the care giving baseball cap. Until we make it clear to them and set boundaries they will continue to manipulate things to their favor to get what they need from us.
I was told early on that its better to be in the friend-zone than the A-hole Husband zone. At the time it made sense and I tried that but honestly, it was not good for ME or MY journey/growth as I was consumed with every little movement she made. I had to get real honest with myself and her, I could not be her friend, a true friend would be happy for someone if they were happy ... I could not do this as her new happiness I felt was tied to a sickness/crisis and it also destroyed my M and family.
She can not miss you if you are readily available, she fired you from your job but you are still doing the paperwork. She can not realize what she has lost if its still all there. At some point she needs to gather her stuff and go onto the new life she so desperately had to have. You have to be aware this is going to be the hardest thing you have done, and its going to take longer than you would like ..... the longer this new limbo lasts the longer it will take.
j20, roist, and andrew...I am sorry, but changing something that I have always done is very hard to do. We spent everyday together talking about our day and what was going on in our lives and that of our kids. She came over after work last night to get a few things for the T-day holiday and it just sparked her doing the same thing. I listened and did not give any advice. I am trying to GAL and detach, but it is harder to do when they are next to you. I don't want to be friends...I want to be her H, but as you so eloquently put it...she has fired me from that job.
The subject came up the other night as to our T-day plans and she said that things would be awkward if I was at Disney with her entire family while we were going thru this. I know I was going to try and make it work, but now this will be the first holiday in 25 years that I spend without her and the first in 19 years that I don't have at least one of my kids. Kind of weird. I will now be that single uncle hanging around my families nieces and nephews.
I just need to set a boundary for the friend-zone, but how is that done? Maybe spending over a week away from her will make things better...I hope so.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
OK so the W called telling that the D papers are ready and that they are going to serve me today...what a wonderful way to start your morning. I have not retained an attorney yet, but have consulted with one. The W is trying to get me to just use her attorney and keep the cost down...she has stated that there are no demands in the papers and that everything says that the parties will agree on everything. I am really struggling with this. Do I retain an attorney to cover my ass and really piss her off more? I understand that at this stage it is about covering my @$$, but I also don't really want to spend $5k either. I also understand that I shouldn't believe much of anything that she is saying.
She is going to take it all and you are worried about pissing her off more??? What is the worst thing she could do ... divorce you??? GET A LAWYER
Originally Posted By: SBJ
After listening to her spew last night about her family, she calls me to tell me about the papers and also to accuse me of talking to her sister about her. I know everyone has said that standing for you marriage is the hardest thing you will do, but this is ridiculous. She is making it easy for me to not view her in a good light any more. I love her more than anything, but I sure don't like her right now.
She is now gone on to the next step ... painting you bad .. this is how she is justifying her actions and leaving you ... all part of this, as hard as it is you have to see it for what it truly is .. her trying to logically convince herself you are the spawn of all evil and misery and in the way of her freedom and bliss.
Originally Posted By: SBJ
She is wanting to fly thru the D...why? To get on with her happy new life? To be able to start a relationship with another man? Who knows, but this D stuff is for the birds. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Exactly. That's precisely what she is doing .... if she is divorced then she is FREE to do what she wants, she is high on the rush of 'what could be' and hell bent to get there.
Retain the lawyer ... it will cost you more if you don't ... remember this is HER divorce you are now just protecting yourself as a man should.
I just need to set a boundary for the friend-zone, but how is that done? Maybe spending over a week away from her will make things better...I hope so.
Refuse the Demotion .... I took this route. I am a General Manager at the company I run .... if the owners (wife) told me I was now demoted to make the coffee I would calmly tell them to fire me as I would not take that position. I told my W the same, I would co-parent to the best of my ability in interest of our son but in no fantasy land would I be her buddy/pal/ear ... I am the prize, total package kind of guy ... all or nothing.
Her response was golden...she said that I have always been her buffer between her and them. Hasn't she fired me from that role?
NO she has not fired you. However, you can “resign” from the role of buffer. Stepping aside and allowing her to deal with this is IMHO a win win. You win as you are no longer put in the middle of something you have no place in and she wins as she hopefully learns to grow up and deal with this.
Originally Posted By: SBJ
She came to my house this evening to get something for the kids and I sat and listened to her for quite a while without preaching. It is funny how she wants out of our M, but still needs the R when it's handy. I tried to validate her without giving my real opinion.
You are still making everything about HER. You listened even though it seems you did not want to (about her). You did not “preach”, which I get, I suspect though the reason was to not upset HER. When you really start making this about YOU…your response will be different.
Maybe…next time you say in a very nice way….that you have things to do and have to go. If you want to more direct – tell her that this is not your issue.
Originally Posted By: SBJ
The W is trying to get me to just use her attorney and keep the cost down...she has stated that there are no demands in the papers and that everything says that the parties will agree on everything. I am really struggling with this. Do I retain an attorney to cover my ass and really piss her off more? I understand that at this stage it is about covering my @$$, but I also don't really want to spend $5k either.
Secure your own attny UNLESS you both sign a “collaborative” agreement with the attny. Even then my advice would be to secure your own attny. That said, your attny works for YOU. They can be a pitbull if YOU want to. As for the money, 5k spent now may be well worth it, especially if you avoid long term costs that could be in the 10’s of thousand. I would wait until you are served and then see what it says.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
