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*that* not gag!!!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Pink17 Offline OP
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Thanks Sotto and Coly,

Sotto - as usual you are right, and the zero expectation is the most important factor here. The MLCer effect is still present there. I see signs that it is not so foggy as before and that he started regretting some of his choices for when he was totally insane.

But again, it is like you said, he is still trying to figure it out on his big mess and is not really ready to step up and take on a big responsibility and challenge as well.

And another true thing is that if I push too hard I may walk away. Actually that happens inside of me so many times now. I feel like just not thinking about this anymore. I feel like I deserve better then just this mess and someone that did so much to just take his sweet time to sort things and not just be serious about M and family and take things slow but with the attitude of helping it to be better.

I just guess that I will keep doing it until I don't do it anymore. If one day I decide to walk away, then it won't hurt anymore either.

Coly - I think I passed the "being there for me" in a house. We openly spoke about trying to make it work again. He expressed that he needs to move slow and would like us to be friends first and get to know each other now.

My point in this is that if he wants to try to make it work and get to know each other, then why not once in a while to go out and spend some time together that doesn't involve the house, our routine, kids, dogs, and blah, blah, blah.

Before, he would be at the house with some excuse, then talk to me for a short time and other times for a long time. Now, he is OK to say he would like to come to the house and hang out with me.

He is not on his phone like before, he smiles and touch me very often. He says openly that he loves me and wants me to understand he cares for me more then I think and more then he tough.

He tells me all the time that there is no one in his life and that he can see the mistakes he made.

So, you see we are past that accident, coincidence visit for the kids and getting me in the mix. Now, he comes to be with me.

And yes, why don't Pink invite him out for a coffee? a Movie? First, because I am afraid of being too fast for him. Second, I do not want to be rejected with some tip excuse (XH has this way of DBing and I do not like). Third, I am moving forward, dealing with my life and let him sort things out if he wants to move forward with our R or not, then I understand that he is the one that one day will knock my door and say that he would like to go out with me - (Because he really wants it and can't wait for tomorrow).

Why he is not stepping up to the task? Because he is not sure that is what he wants. Why he is not sure? Maybe because he knows me at my own house, with responsibilities, house chores, teenagers in the mix, dog, etc...etc... .

Writing all this I think I have my own answer and that is to go a little bit into his building friendship, but keep some distance for now. I do feel I deserve better then the bread crumbs and I won't feel good about myself if I invite him for a coffee.

Ladies, sometimes we get so strong, that we can't bend the situation no more.

I love you guys, you all storm my brain and the answer is right there.

Love you all,
Pink


Pink17
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D:8/5/2015



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So yesterday I arrived at the church and as soon as XH saw me, he came smiling to say Hi, give me a nice hug and ask me how I was feeling.

I smiled back, hugged him and said that I was not feeling a 100%, still fighting the stomach pain and this horrible flu, but not as bad as before.

He asked me if I ate. What was always his deal because when I don't feel well I don't eat. I said I had a Papaya and an Yogurt and he gave me a little lecture saying that I never should have an yogurt when I have a stomach flu. And went further saying that I should be eating some chicken soup.

Well, I promise him I would eat the chicken soup and stop the dairy. Then he smiled and said: Oh Pink, you never take care after yourself!

As he was saying it there is a translation as for our history together - it says: Oh Pink, I need to be there to take care after you as I always did. And he did as a fact, I was never very receptive because of my nature to fill grumpy when I hurt, but he did. Now I can see it better, because I changed and I accept to be weak and hurting, and accept his advice with tender and love.

It is indeed a big change for me. I have learned to let people love me in their own way. I have learned to accept the love and feel good about it.

This reaction is amazing, because it gives XH and other people in my life, some room to show me how much they love me and appreciate me for what I am.

How easy is that, and how hard was for me to understand it and come to terms with myself. So again, this whole nightmare comes as a benefit to learn skill I would never learn without this tragedy in my life.

During the service I had my prayer time and then I saw that XH was on duty. I walked to him and told him I would be at his place and that he could take the time to do his prayer.

He thanked me and hugged me strong. There was warmth in that hug, there was caring and love. There was no many words, just the touch, the eye contact. Those that gives you certainty that we care for each other.

Later, when he was done, he came back and hugged me again, with the same warmth as before. I did not say anything, I just accept the love and caressed his face with my hand and smiled.

More and more we are talking again with gestures and our eyes.

It's still something weird because we are like a couple, everyone treats us as a couple and we are not together. But, in our world there is a mix of our faith and we leave it to God's care and guidance, so things happen because God's desire for us to be in this direction.

Maybe for the non believers, it is a bit crazy. But, the believers that read this, will understand perfectly what that means.

The service was done, we gather together in a small group to chat a bit about the activities for the weekend and then I left. Said goodbye in general and did not make it special for XH, I just said goodnight.

A few minutes later XH calls me and wants to find out some details from S18, if he was going to school or not and how he was doing. I explained the plan and said that he didn't need to worry about and that everything was fine.

I noticed that he didn't want to end the conversation. In other times I would be glad and trying to chat my lungs off, but this time I was like... OK, so we talk tomorrow.

And again, we prove just one factor... when you LET GO of all that anxiety, fear, desperation, need... that's is when you start seeing them to turn their heads towards us.

Am I a master in this DBing thing? No, not at all. It took me 2years to let go on the outside and a little bit on the inside. I did the 180s to the point that I started believing in them. I faked it to the point I made it. I came to the board like a wet dog complaining and wanting to finish my life and got 2 x 4s and kind words over and over... and over again.

But I followed many advices I got here. I read and re read many times the words that were given to me. I cried with pain trying to mold the person I wanted to be.

I made mistakes and more mistakes and sometimes I lost so much for walking backwards because of my reactions to my perception of what was happening.

Is this story done? No. Is this a happy ending? No. Is this still a process? Yes. There is hope? Yes.

Yes, I decided to accept that he is putting the work, and that he is a lot more open to me comparing to the last two years. He is more affectionate and have been more lovely towards me.

Deciding that also makes me more receptive to what he is able to offer me now. I will pray for my patience tough. It is very hard indeed. But there is no other way around if I want a good R this time. Even I noticed that time will also build something good inside of me as well.

I know about yesterday and have learned, am learning and will learn further what was good and what needs to be trashed forever because the good will be reinforced and the bad needs to be replaced with new skills, new knowledge.

I don't know about tomorrow and through my faith I will leave it in my Lord's hands. So I rest knowing that I will be OK no matter what, if not better then I am.

But I want to live the moment. I never really had this kind of R with XH. We met, we talked a lot by phone and we were getting married the third time we saw each other.

Now, I want to live this friendship, this process of building up feelings and emotions. I want to be his girlfriend one day and feel those butterflies in my stomach. I want to date him. Dress for him, look good for him.

Maybe you are reading and thinking that I am in a romantic side today, and you are right because yesterday I decided to open my eyes and see that the work I have been doing these whole two last years is maybe, just maybe working out. Maybe, just maybe, we are one of those lucky couples that decide to look into ourselves and give another shot at our family.

I will keep posting my journey here. I wish that no matter how it will end, my story will enable someone to fight for their family, M and love. That they will bend like iron in the fire, feel the pain and become better people for themselves and for others in their lives.

Believe me... It is an incredible journey!!!

Love you all,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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Do it, Pink. Invite him to spend Thanksgiving with you. I know everyone is telling you to be cautious, and they are probably much smarter than I am about all this. But heck, I don't know what else he has to do to prove to you that he has changed, loves you, and wants a life with you. I know he said he needs to be cautious, but remember what you told me one night last January when we realized we're both on here... believe nothing they say and half of what they do. So I don't really believe he's not ready for a R with you!!! I think he's DBing YOU!! Because, really, isn't that what we'd be saying to our waywards..."I'm not ready!" So my non-DB advice is GO FOR IT. Try and let go of your fears and your caution. Laugh with him, kiss him, look into his eyes. Love him with all your heart and soul. Like he loves you.

I LOVE it about the friends intervening and telling you two to take the leap. That's a great service those friends did. They are true friends of your marriage. We all need that.

Pink, it's time to let go of the fear. Yes, it will be hard, very hard. But if you can forgive him - and maybe your faith will help with that? - it will be worth it.

My W and I still struggle, mainly because I find it hard to forgive her (and remember we all work at the same place so they occasionally see each other - but those interactions are sporadic and W says she's avoiding them.) As time passes and there are fewer ow sightings and fewer interactions between them it gets better. Sometimes I slip and get angry and scared. It's all on me. She's trying hard. I too have to forgive.

Do it, Pink. Make this Thanksgiving something you will remember forever. Give thanks. Love. Laugh.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
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Hi Pink, respectfully I don't agree with the advice from NYG - though it is well meant I am sure. I think if you are dealing with a MLC spouse - jumping in with both feet would be ill-advised. I don't believe this would be a time to throw caution to the wind - particularly as your XH has told you he just wants to be friends right now and his life is still a mess.

I think inviting him to Thanksgiving dinner is fine - though I would do it on a light and friendly basis and have no expectations....perhaps others will chime in too though...

Xx


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Pink,

I don't see a problem inviting your xh to Thanksgiving dinner, but I would phrase the invite in such a way that he makes up his mind to come or not. Treat him as you would a friend w/little to no expectations.

Your xh is still baking up and he has reminded you that he wants to be friends and that's where you need to start your relationship w/him again....as friends. You both have changed over the last few years and it's going to take some time to get use to each other and trust me, that's going to have some ups and downs for a while. Go back to being friends, then dating and then go from there. You've got time on your side...use it wisely. Don't rush the process. In fact, I am recommending that you read LouR's recent thread. It might help you better understand the caution we keep telling you about.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi all, having a bad day today and remember that much have happen and I did not write it down. I feel lost, disturbed and sad. It seems that the nightmare never ends and as much as I know that I control my side of the situation, there are days I feel like it is all a huge mess inside of me.

But, just want to say hi and will get back later to let you all know the last events since last Thanksgiving. Lots and lots that may help someone along their life stories, so I will write it here later.

Still love you,
Pink


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Hello my lovely...I'm sorry you're having a bad day Sweetheart. I'm sending big hugs to you from across the ocean and wishing you a better evening and a better day tomorrow.

Do remember that feelings will come and go - even a good while after our situation has settled down - so these feelings you currently have will pass and you will soon feel brighter again.

I'll check in again to see your next post and respond...and you know where I am in the real world too if you need me.

Xxx


T 13 M 7
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Hi Sotto, you are awesome and amazing. God bless you beautiful. I got your Merry Christmas wishes and I am sorry I never answered it. Had surgery by Thanksgiving and wasn't doing well by XMas.

Thanksgiving - as I told you all, I was thinking in not inviting XH. But it just happen that I got sick and he came to the house everyday, and sometimes he stayed over to take care after me.

He was excellent before, during and after my surgery. It was the husband I always dreamed about.

Funny that he doesn't even blink, and at night he goes to, what is now my bedroom and my bed, and make himself comfortable. Of course, everything happen with the excuse that he needs to be there if I need anything during the night.

Then XMas comes and he is there all the time. And we had a good time. Life was for awhile normal.

There was times of hard talk, but most is about my realization that sometimes I could be less right and more happy. And from his side, realizations that he could be more present and give more time to his family.

It is not bad to talk about these things, but they are painful because they are what they are and we talk about, but there is no way to resolve what was done and what it is.

He says with all the words that he loves me. That it is not just because I am his kids mom as I say, but he loves me as a woman.

But, in all of these talking, he also says that we had many chances and we couldn't make it work. That he failed me as a husband and he also tried to make it work but couldn't.

So, he says all this and then find all the excuses in the world to be around. It is a huge NIGHTMARE sometimes.

On 12/30 we agreed to go out together to celebrate S19's BDay. The kids had a friend and you know how that goes, they are talking and the old folks talk to each other.

We had lunch together, we went for a coffee, and then we went to a movie and shared popcorn. It was amazing, we talked about several things and were not talking about us at all.

Leaving the movie theater, he asked if he could drive me home (I was with the kids first and then was riding with him from place to place) and I said that was OK. When we arrived at the house, he asked if he could come in and have a cup of tea and I agreed.

We talked more and were having a good time. Then from nowhere, he says that he would give me some space in the next week. I looked at him like did not really understood the point. And then he says that he did not want me to think the wrong things.

At that time I lost it. I was angry and really wanted to punch him right in the middle of his face. I told him to leave, leave the house, my life and to go forever and never look back. That I had enough and was not his toy to play with.

He just stood there, when I stopped my rampage, he asked if I was feeling better. I said no, I will only feel better when there is no sign of you in this world.

Then I said: And by the way, do you have space in your car, because you can get your stuff from the garage. He then said that he was super offended. That I did need to be so angry with him. Then I just said that I do what I want, when I want and the way I want and you don't have a say in my life. And I really do not care a bit what you think about my anger or not. He left.

Saturday morning we had a church board meeting and I did even more. I got there and he had a big smile to say good morning! I did not smile back, instead I said that before we started the meeting that I wanted to communicate to everyone that I would take some time for myself.

They, of course, asked what was going on, why my decision? I said it flat, that I did not have a problem with anyone or anything and the only reason I was taking the time is because I couldn't be any longer in the same place as my XH. That I needed my time to cure myself and clean my heart and spirit and once I was better I would come back.

Many people asked questions and said that I need to forgive him, to give him a chance. Well, I am seating there listening to all these comments and then I said: Are you all going crazy? It is not a matter of "me" giving chances or forgiving XH. We are divorced and he keep making it clear that he doesn't want to work in any aspect of our relationship and I am no longer being a toy and dreaming about something that doesn't need my decision to be fixed because I know what I want and I know what I am willing to do... and now I know my reality too and will stop being a dreamer. Then I left.

That day in the afternoon he came to the house and we talked. He gave me a million reasons why I shouldn't quit the church, the board, the people. He again said how much he loves me and told me that he is working on himself and that he is nobody, and his life is a mess, and that he has no idea of what will happen tomorrow, and that only God knows and we need to believe God and blah, blah, blah.

I told him I was not his enemy, I just need to have a life in a tranquil place. That my wounds are deeper then I tough and I wanted to take my time to think what next in my life.

He left and did not schedule any day to pick up his stuff. Really????

Then I did not go to church on sunday. Sunday night, pretty late, he shows up at my door to give me a check of only part of what he needed to pay for dec/16. I couldn't believe, why in this world he needed to give that check? Anyway, I took the check and said thank you, that I appreciated it. Then said good night and have a nice trip.

To be continue......

Sorry, need to go now, Pink


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Continuing...

Well, after a few weeks not going to church anymore, on Thursday 1/19 I got a msg from XH saying that he was arriving late at the airport but would maybe not be going there and asking me if I was going. I answered him that I was going and that he didn't need to mind me because I made peace with it. That I knew better it is about my faith and not about me neither about him. He didn't make it.

I also went to church on sunday 1/22 and there we go. Comes the time that everyone great each other and I was avoiding him. He came and made a point to say hi and grab my hand. I kind stayed firm but he pulled me and gave me a kiss on my chic. Oh well, I said hi, God bless you and walked away.

On Monday I got two emails, one with a schedule for our S16 visitation like all feb/16 there is probably traveling, to be confirmed. So, what is the point of such schedule? Well, then a question asking if it would be OK for him to see the super bowl with us at the house.

The second email was some explanations about his deposits dates that have been changed.

He comes to the house to see the kids and needs to use the restroom, or change clothes.

My point with this is that he doesn't want to come back, and I say this because he knows my position about this. That I am willing to try, willing to give it another shot, start somewhere slowly. So, it is all up to him and he doesn't move. My take is that he made up his mind and will move on as he said from the beginning.

But then I question myself why he is always around. And some of my friends say that he just gave you a check, he just explained something, he drives too long and needs to use the restroom, he this and he that. There is always a reason why he is around.

I don't call him ever, I don't go to his house, I don't start any conversation. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

He asked to be my friend. I got many advices here to go with the flow and just be friends. But when I am just a friend, he goes back into "us" and of course, I most of the time (like 98%) I bite the bate and we end up talking about us in a way, sometimes not even so straight forward.

I JUST DON'T GET IT. WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? I can't really cut all contact with him. But, then he is in my life in a way.

And it is not that I do not want, but I really don't know even how to behave around him anymore. Ahh, I forgot... the latest he says now is: "I am alone, I have no one in my life for a long time and I don't want to have anyone right now, but I am not lonely."

Like lately, if we are in the same place, I catch him always looking at me. Even some people tell me that.

I don't know, sometimes I just would like to disappear and never see him again and be cure of this horrible sickness.

Well, I wrote some of the soup opera that was going on since last Thanksgiving. My life in general is not bad. I have my days but most days I feel OK even in the middle of this storm.

I should confess that sometimes I even feel better the way I am now, so it is not bad at all.

Right now, I am keeping my distance and just being polite. But, we see each other all the time. And this will be the way of our lives for awhile yet.

I welcome any advice, or question or criticism. Sometimes the one inside the situation can't see it well, but people can see better from the outside. So, feel free to say anything. Believe me, when you are in this kind of life, anything help.

And if you are the one that are going through some crazy like me, maybe reading my post and the reply I get may help you to at least know you are not alone.

Not even saying that I did not forget about the whole insanity of this "MLC".

Even late I wish you all a Happy 2017. May this year be better then last.

With Love,
Pink


Last edited by job; 01/26/17 07:21 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

Pink17
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