So she texted me Sat morning that there's a medical issue with son and he's not taking seriously, she'd like me to talk to him and would like to talk to discuss. I text 'd that's fine, just let me know when. Sat morning she text "I'll call you in a little bit if you have some time", I replied "yeah, that's fine"... It's now 36 hrs later and still no call, so not sure what she considers a little bit, lol.. Fact is I know it has to do with hm eating gluten when he can't, so I don't care if she calls or not, just amazes me she would say a little bit and then never call.. Good thing I don't care anymore.
Now, the reason for my post is the following quote... Wow, that's how you do it:
Originally Posted By: skyhigh
It's never over until it's fully over, I learned it from sports and medicine, and I taught it to my kids.
3 years ago, my H was in full EA with one of my dear friend, but I was not aware of it, only that he was very angry at me, snapping all the time, and withdrawing more and more from all of us, we were walking on egg shells, nothing I tried was working. 2 years ago, I became aware of his cheating (by snooping/tracking) with my dear friend, their EA was now a full PA, she was his soulmate, the love of his life, full limerence, I caught them in the parking lot of the hotel where they met, I took pictures. They swore they were done, I believed them, his behavior was still strange the following months so I became suspicious again. 18 months ago, I caught/recorded a conversation where they were talking about living together and moving far away, she was pushing him to file "I am ready to leave my husband and my kids right now, when are you going to leave her?". I exposed them to a few people. I told her I was going to make sure her kids listen to her words... she panicked and stopped everything. He couldn't' stand the withdrawal from her (addictive effects of limerence) so he went straight to another one to soothe himself and trying to recreate the feeling, that OW2 had been looking for him for a few months (golddigger ), I caught him (I was not a fool anymore) and told him that I called previous OW (the soulmate) to let her know she had been replaced and offered to show her proofs (I really enjoyed making that call), he was furious, I cut any return possible to her (she was pissed beyond imagination...). He was left with his stupidity and the damages he had done, it was a wake up call.
I was beyond hurt, distressed and disgusted. I detached and told him I was done (kept my dignity and didn't use any fool or nasty words), I took care of myself and the kids, started a few GAL activities, the full DB, something happened in him, he understood I was done for real, I was not pursuing him in any way to the contrary, no R talks, I set up boundaries. He realized he was losing his family/kids/dignity, he asked for another chance, I gave him my conditions if he wanted to stay at home, I did it mainly for the kids (I was really done) but he couldn't touch me or come close to me, he had to follow some rules (no more OW, no flirty behavior, no messages to any W, no lunch/dinner/coffee with anybody with a vagina, being an open book, wearing his wedding ring all the time, taking STD tests...).
Piecing has been a long frustrating process for both, he went into withdrawal, depression then ambivalence (I am the one who is still ambivalent but he doesn't know, I still don't trust him, I will be be a fool if I was, but I don't obsess about it, I just enjoy to have a peaceful life with no more roller coaster and a changed husband).
He changed drastically in 1 year and I changed too, I am much more independent, I am still detached, the more I detached and was friendly the more he changed in a positive way, also I know I can be happy without him.
During that time, the anger and the frustration started to hit me hard, I almost filed 2 times, I enjoyed a few bottles of wine... had a few laughs when I told him he could be the laughing stock among his friend with his 25 year old OW2, the way they are making fun of one of their friends marrying a woman 20 years younger than him, he didn't take it very well but I really needed that little revenge of mine.
Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that light is your new life, the NEW YOU, it's not only about having him back or not, it's more about rebuilding your self confidence and the trust you have in yourself. I am not the same, that journey changed me, I hate what happened to me but I love the NEW ME, it gave me strength and I did a few things that stunned my H, he thought I was weak... I proved him wrong. He thinks now that I have super powers, he is convinced I can hack whatever I want... lol, the kids had a good laugh on that one...
Do you have super powers?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Absolutely inspiring... I want to be that guy too. I need to push myself harder to just be better.
Originally Posted By: TxHubby
Originally Posted By: hoosjim
TxHubby, thanks. Question: I know you stayed in "limbo" for a long time. Too long, I think you said. At any point did you ever actually "put your foot down" or otherwise confront your WW about the A, or did you simply say nothing, drop the rope, and move on with your life. If the latter, during that whole time, did you just live in the same house with her, effectively ignoring everything (including the A)?
I did. At first she was crying all the time and I was raging. I said if I ever saw OM (neighbor) again I'd probably kill him. Fortunately that AP fled the scene, abandoning his wife and kids, and ran off a few states away to live with his mommy. He was a "good" church-going "Christian" man and couldn't face his guilt.
A big problem is that I said I could forgive her right away. I figured after she got busted and lost her job (they worked together somewhat. His company was their external auditors and she was a department director of finance. They both got fired over the conflict of interest and inappropriate relationship) that she would snap out of this and wanted us. Nope. She stayed in the MLC/WW mindset. I came to find out she was out playing online and had met at least one other person, maybe more.
Anyway, I was very passive about the whole thing. I played the role of patient morbidly depressed hubby. I sat back waiting for her to "come around" and stop hurting me so badly. I gained weight, my career suffered, my health suffered. Our youngest child's grades started to suffer. Nobody was driving the ship anymore. WW was always glued to her devices (phone, iPad), started going out with new friends (divorced women), got really cocky about "growing" and "improving" herself (cheated, lied, got fired, great improvements right?). Strung me along. Treated me like crap.
I found this site and started implementing the principles. I'll be honest, I didn't do every step. Sometimes not all rules apply. I was patient, did nothing, but started to work on me. Improve my life. I was going in half way though. Faking a lot of it. I think she could tell. Not much changed. We drug on for over 2 years and in that third I had an awakening. I had just been prescribed Lisinopril because the doctor said my BP was dangerously high (around 205/140). I've never been on any drugs like that. It snapped me out of my own depressed hubby waiting for his wife to come back to him routine. I said F this. NOBODY is worth me dying over. I joined a gym that day. She actually tried to fuss at me for spending the money without consulting her and I took the opportunity to say I'm going to be doing a lot of things without consulting you.
I walked the walk from there on out and so can each and every one of you here. I did a self evaluation spreadsheet on Excel and graded myself on everything. I was brutally honest and didn't like what I saw. Then I made an action plan on how to improve everything I got a bad grade in. Employee, Father, Physical health, Nutrition, Emotional health, etc. I looked for a therapist that could help me plan my life POST divorce. That was my plan.
After about three months I had lost 20 lbs, dressed way better everywhere I went, got my career back on the right path, spent more time with our DD and improved that relationship, totally ignored my WW and left her to her seedy new life. I wanted no part of it. She had a front row seat to my transformation.
Rarely did I have even a minute to talk to her. I literally stopped caring what she had going on. That was the biggest thing that helped me get healthy. Before I'd see her on her phone or tablet and knew she was talking to other men and it was killing me. Literally. After my change I couldn't care less because I knew she was a sleaze and that the men she was talking to were sleazy. I wanted no part of that in my positive new life.
One night she actually tried to seduce me. That had always worked for her. It caught me off guard but my new self took over the situation and it was like I was a spectator watching me handle this with confidence and strength. I basically said no, I don't think so. I have no idea where you've been or what you're carrying these days. No thanks. That blew her mind that that is what I thought of her but it was the truth. I didn't know what kind of sleazy men she was hooking up with. I'm selective. I don't sleep with tramps. I have too much self-respect for that. That is also the moment I knew I needed to divorce this woman. The woman I used to know and married so many years ago, the great wife, mother, woman of integrity was gone and I wanted nothing to do with this WW type of woman. She was gross.
I filed for D and had her served. Her foolish pride consumed her. Her fancy new life was "great". She didn't me. I guess she thought that would manipulate me but filing wasn't a bluff. I wanted out. She kept up her show for a few months. The D was getting closer and I was ignoring her. Not on purpose but because every day my life was filled with activities. After work I'd go to the gym, go ride my bicycle, go meet with friends. Always something. No time for her. She can live in cheaterville. Her armor started to crack. She would ask me more often where I was going. I was always friendly and never combative. I'd say to work out, meet friends, whatever.
Finally she asked that one time and I said out. She said can I tag along. I said nope. As I was leaving she started sobbing and begged me to talk for a minute. Then she broke down like I've never seen a human being break down. She sobbed on the floor uncontrollably. All her cockiness was gone. All her great new cheater life with all her cheating friends was gone. Come to find out she has regretted her choices for some time but was too stubborn and prideful to admit anything. She even admitted that other women were telling her she was really screwing up and was going to lose a good man and that there would be others beating the door down to replace her. One of her "friends" actually said that she would pursue me if my wife no longer wanted me. Don't think for a second that something like that doesn't make a wayward spouse take notice. It makes you a prize to be won.
After that breakdown everything changed. I didn't really comfort her during it because I told her she has to understand that she was the person I used to care most about in this world, I would walk through the fires of hell for, but she hurt me really bad and I had to detach her from my heart for my own health. I told her I'm sorry she's hurting but I can't allow myself to be sucked back in, that I'm doing much better now, and we should move on, and that I wished her the best.
Needless to say, things changed that day. She started owning her decisions. I think she read this site or maybe Dr. Harley's but she stopped blaming everything else in her life and started looking inward. When the D was about 60 days out she asked if we can delay that, not cancel it. That was simple because our state doesn't have a long term separation required before D. You can D any time you want so I figured what the heck, and had my lawyer table the paperwork.
At this point I became the pursued and she was the pursuer. She was the one always concerned about what I was thinking, where I was going, who I was meeting. The roles had reversed because my new life and new self were way better than hers and she wanted in on it. What made her want in even more was that I was on the fence leaning toward not wanting her to be in on it. I was doing very well by then. I had gotten promoted at work, I was in great shape, and I had really positive rewarding relationships going with old and new friends. I wasn't about to let anything interfere with that. Especially a sleazy cheater. I came to find out she had stopped all that months before when she realized what she had become. She had also dropped her sleazy new friends but was too prideful to tell me. She admitted that sometimes she'd dress up and go see a movie alone just to make me think she was going out partying.
As time passed she transformed into a much better person. Even better than she was before her MLC/WW period when I thought she was amazing then.
I'm not saying that all your wives or hubbies will do this. What worked for me may not work for you. I know sometimes it's prescribed to us to do nothing and wait and see. That almost killed me. My BP was in heart attack/stroke range and I felt horrible all the time. 2 years and change is all I could take of that.
Although it was my wife's choice to "snap out of it" and work on herself, I do think seeing me moving on with a great new life was a huge part of that. I had made myself the most attractive version of me that I had ever been. I whole heartedly suggest that anyone caught in the situation that we all find ourselves in do that. If your career is dead end then get a new one or work on the one you have. I went from dead end developer with no future to the boss in just the last 2 years. If you're out of shape, get in shape. Anyone can do that, it requires no special skills. I hate working out on equipment at the gym so I do yoga, cross-fit, and even zumba on occasion. Sometimes I go swimming. Sometimes I ride my bicycle. I bought a pretty nice hybrid bike. It's good for streets and off road. I have friends and we meetup and ride this long trail in the city where we live. I won't give that up. She's now welcome to join me and she does. For a long time she wasn't welcome.
The point being is that I didn't do anything that any of you can't do. I have no special talents in life. I'm just a regular guy who went through a horrible thing like all of you are. Maybe your M will be saved, maybe it won't.
What I'll testify to is that if you do these things for yourself, you'll be fine either way that comes out. It worked for me and brought my wife out of her MLC. She doesn't talk the talk, she walks the walk. I had told her a year or so ago that I didn't believe one word out of her mouth because she had done nothing but lie for a couple of years so if she wanted any chance at all I'd watch her actions and would have to see real and permanent changes.
It's really not hard. Just become the best version of you that you've ever been. Start a spreadsheet or notebook of the things you think you need to address about yourself. If you smoke then stop today. If you're over weight then start a new diet today. If you drink too much then stop drinking today. If you're out of shape then start doing pushups, crunches, and going for walks today. If your clothes aren't "fresh" then go buy new clothes (not too many if you're going to lose weight but dressing better does make you feel better). Work on all the things that you need to and you won't have time to worry about your walk-away or cheating spouses. You'll have too many good things going on in your life to concern yourself with them.
It may work, it may not. Either way you'll be great. Did I drop the rope? Yes, I did at about 2.5 years in. For me that was too long to wait because it was causing me health issues. I think that limbo time limit is different for all of us. If it's killing you like it was me then drop the rope and move on. Fix yourself.
As for the house, we never separated. Separate rooms after I decided I didn't want her in my life any more. As long as I stayed in our master bedroom and occasionally had sex with her she was able to keep me in the limbo state that was killing me. I fixed that by moving out of that bedroom and turning down her offers of sex. I don't sleep with skanks who meet men online for sex romps.
Hopefully I answered your question and I apologize for rambling on but I'm trying to describe my situation in detail and what worked for me. The data is against all of us. By the time we get here most of us end up divorced. You have to accept that going in and don't let that possibility rule your actions. If that happens, it's ok, you'll survive it. You might be better off.
Anyway, end of ramble. Good luck.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Good catching up on your life, nut. Can't believe how long it's been since I posted here. My posts are delayed by moderation so I could never really engage in a conversation or make a simple edit to my posts so I just gave up.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
So dropped my son off at the airport after being here for a week, it is incredible how nice it was just having him around. He's a teenager (17) so he's off in his own world most of the time, but just sitting together watching TV (when we weren't doing things) felt normal. I realized that I'm really happy with my life in NC, but I really do miss being an involved Father.
He did initiate a real heart to heart conversation, we talked about his personal life, he acknowledged lessons I've taught him over time and how he uses that knowledge in his life, then he told me about his R with his mom. He told me that he doesn't have a good R with her, that she acts different around other people, like they have such a great R, but he doesn't feel close to her at all. That when home, they both stay in their rooms, they don't really interact and get into a lot of arguments when talking. It's so bad, he talked to their sensei (they both do karate) and his sensei sat with them both like a intermediary, he said it helped for a couple of weeks, but then went back to the way it was.
He said she's just not the same, that for the last 1 1/2 to 2 years (about BD time) she's different and he's just biding his time till he can move out. It really cemented for me that I just don't want to be with the new her, EVER... It tears me up inside to hear this from him, but luckily he has a great social life and really is well rounded.
It was a very difficult conversation for me, because I really wanted to give him some insight to why she is the way she is, but I don't want to interfere with their R. I just told him that R's, even parent - child, go through cycles, and not to give up on her, take his space, spend time with his friends and my family, and not to harden his heart. He basically followed up with he just can't wait to move out and she is going to fall apart when he does.
My mother also came up with my two nieces for the week, so I went from a full house to an empty house in the span of two hours, they are all gone now and I'm taking today to readjust back to my new normal, so I'm a bit sad right now, but feeling more motivated than ever to be better, my son just inspires me so much.
Georgia, nice to see you, thanks for stopping by.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
He said she's just not the same, that for the last 1 1/2 to 2 years (about BD time) she's different and he's just biding his time till he can move out. It really cemented for me that I just don't want to be with the new her, EVER...
This seems silly. Like who knows how you and she will feel in another year and half. Just accept that you dont want to be with her as she is now and leave it at that. You can wake up and make the same decision another day.
Sandi2, if I misunderstood the meaning behind your post in another thread, please let me know and I will do my best to stop "assuming".
Kaizen, I agree, my exclamation of my statement about "never" wanting to be in a MR with her because of the person she is today, was wrong; it should not be assumed that my feelings, or her actions, will remain the same in the future. It was derived from the frustration that I have no legal rights where my son is concerned, and my feeling that she isn't living up to her responsibility as a parent (which I found her being a great mother to be very endearing in the past). Luckily he will be 18 soon, then he will be free and able to follow his own path. Thank you for pointing that out.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Got a call from a friend yesterday, he works at the company I left when I moved to NC (where my W works), he was just calling to catch up and shoot the $h!t a little.. I worked there for 15 years, so I have some close relationships with people there, and I call to say "hi" to someone there about once a week, but my W has never come up in any of my conversations.
Anyway, during yesterdays conversation he fills me in on a bunch of position moves that are occurring, and tells me that my W will be moved into the position that I left, working with him.
As soon as I heard that I knew she is not happy about that, and then he made the statement that it was all supposed to go into effect immediately, but she threw a stink about it so they delayed the moves for 3 months.
That was a whole lot of information for me to basically say this... I had the urge to text her today and let her know that I heard, that I know she doesn't want that position (she's told me in the past), but that I believe she will do great in the position because (add some words of admiration)..
I actually felt sorry for her.. not angry, not longing or love, just sorry that she was getting assigned to a position that I know she didn't want, and I wanted to try and lift her spirits a little.
I didn't contact her, and I won't, but I just thought it was awesome that I felt in a place that I could support her. At this point, I just want to be in a place that I can be around her for my son (at major events in his life), and there was a time that I didn't think I would ever want or be willing to, but now Im thinking that I may be able to let go of the bruised ego and just be there..
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Sandi2, if I misunderstood the meaning behind your post in another thread, please let me know and I will do my best to stop "assuming".
This made me go back and look, and somehow I had missed it. So, I did respond on his thread. No, you did not assume anything, and gave a better answer (cause it was short) than I did.
Thanks for having my back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm going to try and keep the background info short:
I introduced my wife to 2 of my high school friends that are married after we got together. I have known them for almost 30 years, so it was nice when my wife and my friend (female) really hit it off and enjoyed hanging out throughout our M. They weren't "best" friends, but would hang out or talk once a month or so.
Anyway, this friend happened to be the first friend that my W talked to about her A (after I found out about it), and this friend somewhat supported my W relationship with the OM. They would talk about OM and what was going on, she basically gave my WW someone to share that seedy part of her life with.
So it came to a head when I found out that my WW and this friend had concocted a story (that they were going to tell me) of going out together one night, so that they could meet up with OM so my friend could meet him. I heard my WW tell OM that she really wants to meet you.
Anyway, when I found out about this, I pretty much lost it. I tried calling my friend, who didn't answer, then I text her that I couldn't believe she was supporting my W having an affair, and that she really hurt me and I was disappointed in her.
After I text her, she blocked my number on her phone, and unfriended me on all social media, and we never spoke again. Although I've also been friends with her H since highschool, we don't hang out unless it's with other people, and just happens that I haven't seen him, or spoken to him, since that day.
I saw on facebook about 3 days ago that her and her husband moved to my state recently, and happened to move right next to my best friend from high school (the only person I knew when I moved to NC), and all 4 of us where friends back in high school, so they also know each other and hang out.
I go to my buddie's house for Sunday dinner often, his mother (who I also know very well) also goes over and we have a big family dinner. Last night I walked in the house and his youngest daughter tells me that my WW's friend says hello. I kind of just sat there because she used her first name, and I was trying to process if she was talking about her or someone else with the same name, and finally I said that's great, tell her I said hello. At one point the kids went outside and my buddies wife says that she's sorry that she said that, the kids aren't aware of any issues between me and that friend.
I wasn't going to mention anything to my buddy and his wife about what had occurred in the past with this friend, although I don't like the person my friend showed herself to be, I don't carry around any anger towards her and would just be cordial to her.
But when my buddies wife said that, I asked my friend what that was about (as his wife quickly went out back), and what friend had told them. He said nothing really, just that I had had issues with her because she was friends with my W after our S.
So I told my buddie that it wasn't about her simply being friends with my W, it was that she supported something my W was doing that was detrimental to our marriage. then the kids came back in the house and that was all that was said.
Ok, so here's my issue.
I'm pissed... I wasn't going to bring anything up about it at all, was just going to be cordial when she was around and not start drama. But now, she's told them we don't "get along", which is fine with me, but instead of telling them the truth about why, she made it seem that I was upset about something as petty as her picking my wife's "side" after our split.
My instinct is to just lay it out for my buddy so he knows the truth, but I'm still hesitant because I don't want to surround myself with drama, and I also don't want to create drama for my buddy and our other friends (his new neighbors).
Watcha think?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
real quick status update. My WW and I don't communicate except about son, I haven't seen her since I left my previous job (where she worked) in February and we haven't really talked about R or anything else since... well, honestly I don't remember.
I'm getting close to going ahead and filing for divorce... I know someone's going to say "how would that change your life right now", and I will reply that I wanted to buy a lottery ticket Saturday, but I didn't because the thought of having to give her half (if I won) made me vomit in my mouth.
Anyway, I haven't filled out the paperwork yet, but I've been thinking about doing it more and more often, so I know that indicates i'll be doing it soon.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
