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Wow, I'm amazed that you are still going strong months later....!


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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Jim

I have fostered difficult teenagers. And a couple of younger children.

The kids take their lead from you.

Please stop this tussle with WW. The stress in you is distress and hurting you.

I have the most enormous admiration and respect for you. I am probably one of your greatest fans and silently cheer (and now not so silently) on the sidelines. I read your posts and truly I want to see you detach from WW. I want you to stop the ping pong interactions, as it seems that you may actively seeking these as a way of maintaining contact. Let go.

I will keep saying this over and over, have an online calender remove much of the stress and hence the distress.

A more chilled Jim is my desire so you can truly enjoy the energy these little mischief makers bring to your life. You have such gifts and an amazing amount of love.

I truly respect you for that.

This is important Jim, please let go, detach and find sensible ways of interacting with your WW. I simply don't think this is assisting YOU.

Hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Cnut,

Thank you for the suggestion. I plan on signing the boys up for swim lessons, karate and other things as soon as I move to TO (short for Toronto). We had them signed up before.

I have my meeting with HR on the 22nd to discuss the logistics of the transfer.

XW has not called all week to talk to the boys.

GAL has been better, I went out for a nice dinner on Friday with a friend. Saturday S8's godparents came to visit and we had breakfast and then went to an indoor trampoline park. Bought all day passes so we went back in the evening after nap time and then had dinner and we all went to bed! Today is clean up day around the house. It is windy and very cold so good to just stay in and be lazy (pajama day).

Received another email from S6's teacher. I sent XW an email this morning to get her approval to take him to therapy. Awaiting response back.

V,

I thank you for the continued support! I know someday I will be detached, I just truly do not know when. I continue to work on it though.

I am much more calm and chill, I do enjoy my boys immensely! As crazy as things can get with them, they are great!

Maybe I am misinterpreting the tough love also. IDK, I can see where XW sees it as punishing to her. Amicable and being friends to be the best co-parents to these boys is the easy way out for her IMO.

I am trying to prepare myself mentally to get there, especially when I move up there but it is a difficult pill for me to swallow.

I feel like I have to transform into a person that has no feelings or emotions to get there. That is just not me.

I am not even sure if the judge has even signed the judgment yet. There has been a backlog of papers in her court and I have not received confirmation from my L, LOL! It is kind of insane how long this whole thing has dragged on with delays.

Oh well, life goes on! I will do the best I can with the time that has been given to me.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Jim - If you have questions about Toronto let me know. I lived there for a number of years and one of the offices that I shuttle between is in the centre of that city.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Thank you Andrew! I will not be shy to ask for help if needed.

On another note, XW will not agree to let me take the boys to therapy. She continues to state that they keep saying they want to live with her. That I am wasting money on daycare, cleaning ladies, etc.

Ugh! Did not respond.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Do you know how she responds to them when they say they want to live with her? If so, what does she tell them? Do the boys ever tell YOU that they want to live with her?

Unfortunately for her, the courts ruled that the boys are better suited to live with you.

I still don't understand why you are moving to Toronto.

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Neither do I.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: JimKao


I gave him lots of hugs and said that we both love him and things will be ok and that if the anger comes back that he can come and talk to me and we will figure out how to get rid of the anger. I told him I will always be there for him.



Try not to speak for your ex-wife here. Her cheating and abandonment of these fairly recently adopted children is a pretty good indication that she doesn't really love them all that much. I'm not saying disparage her --- just don't speak for her when you say "we both love him". Instead it's just "I love you - I will always be honest with you and I will always be there for him".

I know sometimes you think giving in and "being the bigger person" might be helpful but consider the fact that your ex-wife cheated and abandoned you AND those children as a pretty good indication also that you truly are the only parent (and person in the world) your children are ever going to experience as "always there for them".

Remember what I said earlier on this thread. Toronto is just a couple years temporary assignment and then you are going back to michigan. Never indicate that you might have the option to stay or extend it. Never say "we'll see how it goes" like this is a trial for a possibly permanent thing. Sure, you may be able to quit your job (and give up benefits and all that which would be silly to do with all those children) or you might be able to make the stay longer through your company --- but that is a decision to weigh all by yourself several years down the road. I've seen way too many of these situations where the wayward divorcing spouse never becomes a healthy normal respective parent or co-parent and I believe consistent exposure to such unhealthy parent (as opposed to almost vacation type exposure to them over summer and holiday breaks) is much more damaging to children.

For example, after visitation, your kids come back tired, angry and unruly. Their whole ritual has been interrupted and mom has pumped them full of insidious lies and mental poison. It's very difficult for you to handle things for several days or even a week after but soon the ritual returns and the consistent loving environment brings about a normalcy.

I think you'll find being in Toronto will bring about a never ending stream of unsettledness and psychological stress upon your children AND YOU as you exchange custody of the children several days a week and try to coparent with a terrorist.

Maybe things will get better later - much later and that would be more likely to occur if and when she ends her adulterous affair; but, until then she'll remain a monster that will never appreciate or give you an ounce of credit that you moved to her country so "her" kids could be with their "mother". I can't already hear her telling people you did it because once you found out you couldn't control her by taking custody of the kids, you couldn't handle custody alone and didn't really care all that much about the kids anyway so you moved there get her help (and grandma's help). She also thinks you are doing it because Princess Narcissist thinks she's God's gift to the world and that you are chasing her.

Again - you are the only "PARENT" those boys have. One parent is better than a crazy mom and a dad half in the bag trying to cope with crazy mom TOO (they are gong to have to put up with her emotional abuse a lot longer than you).

Listen to others - parallel parenting. Online calendar. No more debating during emails. The kids shouldn't live with her because that's not a nice thing to do to those children. Do not waiver.


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Do you need her agreement?


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Dream

Do you know how she responds to them when they say they want to live with her? Unfortunately no I do not know how she responds to them. If so, what does she tell them? Do the boys ever tell YOU that they want to live with her? The boys do not mention who they want to live with anymore, other than S6 saying that he wants us back together, there is very little conversation about who to live with.


Unfortunately for her, the courts ruled that the boys are better suited to live with you.

The courts did not rule anything. This is what she and I agreed upon and the courts are signing off on.


I still don't understand why you are moving to Toronto.
It works for me financially and the boys get to see their mom every other weekend.


GB,

I am sticking to the plan you posted earlier.

I will also not speak for her to the boys as you said.

We will see how things go the next couple of days as we clean things up with the D.

I also have the same concerns that she will make excuses and that I need her and grandma to help. As you said before, it is her issue on how she builds her relationship with the boys.


Painter,

Yes, I do need her agreement, we have joint legal/physical custody. Today my L called the psychologist who did the family eval and the psychologist suggested we file a motion.

XW and I have scheduled a phone call at 9 am tomorrow to discuss S6's behavior. I need to prep for this talk and jot down some notes. We will have to see where things go from there.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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