My Girlfriend and my Divorce

[MoveFrwd]

we are still legally married, we have both been dating.

For my personal input to the people that tell you it's too fast. I started dating about a month before my divorce was finalized. That said, the separation agreement was signed, and all that we were waiting for was the judge's decree. With so much still in the air with regards to custody, Im not sure I would have been in a position to open myself to inviting other members of the opposite sex into my life. I suppose thats in the past now, but I think that you set yourself up for this kind of trouble by rushing into something new.

About 4 months ago, I met a great girl, athletic, beautiful, funny, etc etc. She has a 7 month old, and just got done with her own nasty divorce / custody situation.

So not only were you only a few months out, she was only 3 months clear of giving birth to someone else's child? I understand that neither of you were still seeing your exes on any kind of romantic level, but I fear that you likely both still had some level of emotional entanglement with them (as seen from some of your postings here back in June.

Regardless, things with this girl started off great. We had instant chemistry, kissing on the first date, and having sex on the second, great wild kinky ****ing awesome sex. We instantly started spending at least half our time together, and within a month or so we were even staying together with all the kids.

I will agree with the kind ladies that posted on your thread already that some of this seems rather fast. From my personal experience, however, I will say that I went through a similar phase in my own current relationship. My only caution is that I would have advised to keep the kids separated for a longer time (especially in regards to overnights). Your children are very young, and I worry that they wont really understand why you are having a woman over for the night that isnt their mom if you arent in a very committed relationship (and Im not sure thats really possible at a month). Again, from my own experience, I allowed my kids to spend some time with my new partner after we had been dating a few months and then didnt allow any overnights until after we were officially "moved in" together.

Then about 3 weeks ago, my baby momma’s proposal came through, and it was clear that they were not serious about getting done with the divorce soon.

No clue, but I wonder how much of this is related to your new relationship. For example, how can you possibly say you have the kids best interest at heart when you are "playing house" with a woman you met only a month before? Well, I suppose you can say it, but it cant possibly ring true to anyone that is listening. Im not saying that you cant ever date in the name of the 'best interest of your kids', but I am saying that going through the dating milestones at warp speed is likely confusing to them and both you and XW have to deal with that fallout.

Note that I am NOT saying that she is a saint in all of this. I cant remember exactly what her sitch is, but I assume theres some amount of OM also proceeding at light speed. If thats the case, then I would advise you to be their rock and their advocate while XW navigates through her own tumultuous time. Bringing a new woman into their lives at a time when there is a lot of chaos anyway is very hard on them.

She told me that she felt like my not being divorce was causing her a great deal of stress and she was feeling overwhelmed because she had hope that my divorce would be final right now.

So how did you use what you learned from the first time to have this discussion? Did you validate her concerns? Did you actively listen?

Or did you try to convince her/bargain with her/defend yourself or all of the other things I used to do before I learned how to better communicate?

My baby momma has said some nasty things about the gf, further adding stress to the situation.

Of course she did. Just because she doesnt want you doesnt mean she wants someone else to be with you.

While she said she was still in love with me, she said it was clouding her feelings towards me, and felt like we needed to back off and just hang out when it works.

She told you what she wants.

So did you? Will you?

Part of me feels like if she was attracted to me enough she would deal with the baggage

This is a really interesting take, and I fear it's really key to your problems. Did you read DR? What did you learn from it?

My understanding is that yes, attraction is important. Of course, you likely arent going to even start dating someone that you arent attracted to. That said, attraction only lasts for so long - a month or two, maybe a year, but thats when the real work starts.

Do I pull back? Right now I really am just focusing on getting myself in the gym, looking as good as possible, and staying busy, without contacting her. Is that the best play? I see some of the mistakes I have been making, too much phone / text, jumping in too deep too fast. Is it salvageable now? I don’t want to lose her. I’ll be ok, but I would rather not.

So how did you maintain your GAL activities once you started seeing GF? How did you maintain the changes in yourself that you fought for during your separation? Are you truly different today than you were at BD?

Yes, Id pull back. Way back.

I think you need to sort yourself out before you can have this kind of relationship.




Keep posting!

[CRW]

Well, first off, 'baby momma' means no disrespect. I just don't know exactly what to call my hopefully soon to be ex wife, so I thought it was just a humorous take on that. I apologize to the women here, I did not mean it in a bad way.

I appreciate the feedback, very good stuff here as is to be expected.

I can see why she is pulling away right now, it makes sense.

I forgot about those parts of DR regarding attraction. Thank you for the reminder.

Like I said, when we decided to go have a beer that initial date, I didn't expect us to fall quickly. I do feel like the time we've spent apart has cleared my head, and my GAL has never been stronger. (regarding GAL, i had to have surgery on my other knee as well, so my whole summer has been kinda limited, which sucked!)

[MoveFrwd]

Like I said, when we decided to go have a beer that initial date, I didn't expect us to fall quickly.

Fair. But you did put yourselves into the position for that.
At a time when both of you were vulnerable to an unhealthy relationship.

my GAL has never been stronger. (regarding GAL, i had to have surgery on my other knee as well, so my whole summer has been kinda limited, which sucked!)

I want to be clear that by GAL, I dont just mean going to the gym. I mean the activities you are doing to help you break out of your codependent tendencies. For example, Before I met my current partner, I had one activity I do weekly and a second I do twice a month. Every bone in my body told me once I started dating again that I should stop these to spend more time 'as a couple'. But I realized that these were things I needed to continue to do for me to fill voids in my being that I wouldnt (and shouldnt) expect a significant other to fill. Quitting those events would put too much pressure on the relationship to fill those holes.

So Im asking you about your GAL. What did you do to 'date yourself' during your separation? How have you maintained that self-sufficience in this new relationship?

[MrBond]

" I didn't expect us to fall quickly. "

This is the reason why we ALWAYS tell newcomers to work on themselves so they are not dependent on another person to make them happy. You were needy and she was too based on her literally just having a kid. That emotional intensity you felt was just limerence which never lasts. How are you with your W right now?

[DDJ]

I like what darknes is saying. I'm learning to date myself, we're getting along well, going to movies, coffee and eating out. Haven't gotten to second base yet but it's only been a few months so in time i'll push the envelope. LOL

But seriously, it is simple co-depence. NO point in detaching from STBXWW and then detaching to what really is a "baby momma".

Find yourself - ALONE. Give STBXWW the kids if you must, live your life by yourself - cos you are going to die alone, and that's ok. It's ok to be alone. It really is.

[CRW]

" I didn't expect us to fall quickly. "

This is the reason why we ALWAYS tell newcomers to work on themselves so they are not dependent on another person to make them happy. You were needy and she was too based on her literally just having a kid. That emotional intensity you felt was just limerence which never lasts. How are you with your W right now?

We are getting along 'ok'. We have mediation scheduled for 3.5 weeks from now, I think if we can get an agreement done we should be able to co parent effectively.

I guess I see the part about co dependence, but gf isn't the first girl I dated. There was and is something about her that I am really attracted to.

As far as dating myself, that is an interesting concept. I am going to give it a try. Honestly though, my biggest focus right now is in the gym, trying to get my legs back so I can get back into sports and stuff. I'm also getting my MBA, so that takes a lot of time as well.

So, when she contacts me, do I respond? Right now we pretty much talk all day everyday still.

[doodler]

As far as dating myself, that is an interesting concept.

One of the big advantages is that if you get an STD or if there's an unwanted pregnancy, you know for certain you've done something wrong.

[DDJ]

Lol doodle, so wrong, but it feels so right!

As for contacting her CRW, start taking things slow, the new girl already has. Sandi always said that girls like a guy that plays hard to get, not one that wants to get married on the first date. Now i've been known to quote Sandi incorrectly before, but thats the gist that i got.

But be yourself, you have your life ahead of you.

[CRW]

Right now my focus is going to be on getting the divorce finalized and kids settled, then move forward from there. She really opened up to me today about her previous marriage kinda out of nowhere, which ended with her ex cheating on her. I think it outlined to me her insecurities, which I made worse with some weak behavior regarding the divorce.

I'm not going to force conversation, if its there I will, if not, fine, I can date myself (hopefully without making a mess).

[MrBond]

"I guess I see the part about co dependence, but gf isn't the first girl I dated."

How long did you actually try to DB your M? Your timeline says you only came here in April and already you had two relationships.

"As far as dating myself, that is an interesting concept."

It's not dating yourself. It's GALing. I know you say that you read DR, but did you actually follow through on it?