It's been a while, and things have obviously changed for me!
I have a pretty complicated situation that I hope you can help me with.
So with that, let’s get started.
I am in the process of divorcing from my wife. We have filed papers, but are at an impasse as it relates to custody of our 3 children, Rowan (2), Ruby (3), and Jaden (15, the hopefully soon to ben ex’s from a previous relationship, I adopted him). We have been separated now for nearly a year, so while we are still legally married, we have both been dating.
About 4 months ago, I met a great girl, athletic, beautiful, funny, etc etc. She has a 7 month old, and just got done with her own nasty divorce / custody situation. She, however, is out of the situation, and building a decent co- parenting relationship with her ex, vs myself whose scenario is very contentious and stressful with my own baby momma.
Regardless, things with this girl started off great. We had instant chemistry, kissing on the first date, and having sex on the second, great wild kinky ****ing awesome sex. We instantly started spending at least half our time together, and within a month or so we were even staying together with all the kids. It is important to note that when we started dating I was pretty optimistic that my own divorce / custody scenario would be done soon. The ‘I love you’s’ were exchanged around this time, and we both meant them. We talked about long term plans, buys a house that all our kids would be in, etc etc. Really then for about 2 months things were great
Then about 3 weeks ago, my baby momma’s proposal came through, and it was clear that they were not serious about getting done with the divorce soon. Things with my girlfriend seemed to change at that point. She started pulling away, and seemed less into me and the relationship. She started cancelling dates and time we were going to spend together with all the kids. Finally, I confronted her about it a week ago. She told me that she felt like my not being divorce was causing her a great deal of stress and she was feeling overwhelmed because she had hope that my divorce would be final right now. My baby momma has said some nasty things about the gf, further adding stress to the situation. While she said she was still in love with me, she said it was clouding her feelings towards me, and felt like we needed to back off and just hang out when it works. Well, over the weekend, neither of us had our kids, and we still didn’t see each other. Needless to say, I didn’t handle it well, and sent her some stupid ‘do you love me?’ type of texts, which just put more pressure on her. She responded and said she just wanted to let some of the drama clear away, but I just kept picking. Then yesterday she asked me if I was calmed down from the weekend, to which I said yes, I was fine, and no worries (this is the truth). We were the kind of couple who texted all the time. Past couple days has been minimal on her part and mine.
My question is this, is it really just my divorce pushing her away, or is it the fact that perhaps the divorce was causing me to exhibit some needy and weak behavior, simply causing her to be attracted to me less? Obviously there are a ton of moving parts here. Part of me feels like if she was attracted to me enough she would deal with the baggage, but part of me gets that she just went through it herself, it’s hard to deal with it all over again.
Do I pull back? Right now I really am just focusing on getting myself in the gym, looking as good as possible, and staying busy, without contacting her. Is that the best play? I see some of the mistakes I have been making, too much phone / text, jumping in too deep too fast. Is it salvageable now? I don’t want to lose her. I’ll be ok, but I would rather not.
Thank you in advance for your advice. I truly appreciate it.
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. Your previous thread 87 postings. However, I'm going to link your previous thread here and Cadet may opt to merge the two threads together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. Your previous thread 87 postings. However, I'm going to link your previous thread here and Cadet may opt to merge the two threads together.
I think her concerns are quite valid. The guy she sees a future with is still married and dealing with custody. She's got a baby, and is divorced and wants to start her future.
I don't think it's a matter of not being attracted to you enough. That isn't what keeps a serious relationship together. She just wen through a divorce and has her and a baby to worry about.
You both went real fast. There is a reason why they usually say wait until your actually divorced to get serious with someone. It becomes complicated especially with so many young kids involved. maybe she needs to step back and evaluate the situation to make sure it's the best choice for her and her baby. Give her space. I sure do agree with that. don't appear needy or desperate. focus on you and your kids and the current situation you have at hand with the divorce and custody. That probably should be number one right now.
Your "baby momma"? I thought you were M, so why refer to her as though she had your kids illegitimately?
Frankly, I can't blame your GF for wanting out of that drama. And, yes, you have shown very weak and unattractive behavior. IDK, some guys just never learn. It's not the fault of your divorce,.....it's YOU.
Having kinky sex on the second date and quickly moving in together (with a house full of kids).......when each of you are on the rebound of divorces, spell disaster. If she's running for the hills, be thankful.....and pray she's not pregnant. But if she is......then you can call her your baby momma.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's probably best for your long term happiness if you let this relationship die.
You need time to focus on you and learn to validate yourself and be responsible for your own happiness.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
