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Don, I get the same thing...when I find a woman of my faith (which is rare), who loves photography and humour etc. I eagerly point out what we have in common and usually get nothing back and think WTF! I think sometimes it's just that maybe physically we don't float their boat. How many women do we sail past because we just don't feel the physical attraction? Probably lots. Sometimes it's also because, as I said above, they aren't that committed to meeting anyone but are just sticking their toe in the water to see what bites. I've also talked with many women and felt things were going well and they just disappear. It's always good to look back at what you've said and how you've said it but often the outcome has little to do with you. It's stuff you have no control over. It certainly can be discouraging sometimes.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

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DonH Offline OP
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Thank you everybody for you thoughts and comments - especially Maybell for digging up your list and posting it.

While I think I understand some of what you are all saying, I know I'm still not getting it with lots of other pieces. I also sence some of what I'm saying or how I'm saying it is causing confusion - For example the OLD piece. I agree very much with whatitis, which is why i pretty much gave up on OLD a while ago. Just mentioned it again to let everyone know I've tried it and got what I got ending in a whole lot of nothing. I also just tossed out that top of my head list of examples of mostly who I am and what I do's but I could just as well have listed women looking for someone who is honest, likes to hold hands, is a great kisser, enjoys going to sporting events or whatever. Those are actual examples I've seen posted and very much dis fine me. Even though I'd put all of these high on the list of who I am, even if they said they wanted these and little rise, I'd get back the "I don't think we're a match" if I got anything.

My first confusion then comes in you (Maybell) saying what people think they want, and thereby list, is only what they may think they want but not really want. If that's the case and they don't even know what they want, how the hell can I know what they want? All I can go on is what they say or write.

I believe I know very well what I want - I simply can't find it! I have a list much like yours in my head. This list is not nearly as much filled with blonde or tall or pretty as it is with honest, out-going, smart, conservative (or at least not liberal - sorry) likes to cuddle, kiss, hold my hand, etc. I can give you 15 or 20 more. I just can't find this or even get to know someone well enough to even figure them out.

I'm picky. I won't deny that. I want it all. If I can "give" on anything, it's looks. I don't care how hot or pretty or exactly my type she may be looks wise, if she is dumb as a box or can't carry a conversation, I just cant date her. To address the too picky concern I've been trying to give everyone a chance so I don't overlook someone. Turns out, they often don't want a chance.

The point you are making that I think I am getting is I'm looking too much at how they meet what I'm looking for rather than me looking at how I meet what they are looking for. Am I right? If so, does not much of that happen or get figured out as we get to know each other? If so, there in again lies the problem in that I'm not even being given the chance for that to happen.

In some ways I feel almost like some of the comments would be more true if I were cutting these women loose and refusing to give them a chance. Not the case - in fact it's the other way around! Maybell, You say that I'm going to have to invest some time getting to know them. You also stated how you were not sure about your guy and had to spend time getting to know him. EXACTLY! I could not agree more. Thing is, you were willing to give your guy a chance and invest the time. I have not even found that lately! So how do I fix that. What made you willing to give your guy a second, third, fourth date? Ive listed examples of this six months ago and you responded then. it's hard enough to find someone I want to ask out. If I do, many are are already in an R, live too far away or don't want to date - sometimes me, sometimes ANYONE. I can list 10 that fall in these categories in the past 18 months. A few others I again am very willing to invest the time, many say they want to go out again yet it never happens! This is in part how I learned what the term ghosting meant!

And then finally, if only this "dry spell" had only been going on for a year - try since the summer of 2013! I think I've said this before, it's not like I ever had multiple women chasing after me but it's never been like this. Women friends tell me they don't at all get it, I'm smart, fun, treat women very, very well, have the means to do pretty much whatever I want, financially secure, reasonably good looking. I just don't get it but it has clearly put a hit on my self astem and self confidence - which doesn't help either. I'm am a VERY confident guy or at least used to be. I still am in most things non-dating

If someone could tell me what to do or what to change I would in an instant - at least to the best of my ability. For the first 5 years after my D I could have cared less if I had a date. I have always been great at being alone. Careful what you wish for. Interesting how our drummers father, who I've know since I'm 15 said to me as we were both leaving the event last weekend, "don't do anything stupid" to which I laughed... Then he continued "like get married." Interesting comment certainly no damaged of that!

One last thing Maybell, can you more explain what you mean by:

"But what I hear from you is a guy who looks for surface qualities and hasn't really been willing to see WHO a woman is before deciding if she's "Perfect" or not. That's probably how you're showing up for these women and they can see it. If they're quality women, they don't want to be judged that way and they're dodging you."

I think I may get it but not totally. Blunt is okay if that's the only way I'll understand. Perhaps give me an example. If I'm doing it, I'll stop as best I can. Are you saying they are sensing that my only interest is in their looks? If so, do you really think that THEY ate thinking that? Or is it the impression you've of me?

Agin, just so I'm not misunderstood here, Im not trying to dismiss anything being said. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of it all and change what I can. My level of confindece used to be that I was a guy many would love to date if I was not married. Perhaps that was never the case other than with my ex W


DonH
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OMG!!!!! I think I get it now, but while you guys, mostly Maybell, plugged the light in, it got turned on by reading an OLD profile - no, I'm not trying that again but the comments had me looking to verify what a few said about women's profiles. (I simply love to learn so was doing just that) anyhow, I ran into this:

"I take care of myself and feel physical appearance is very important. I exercise and try to eat right. I hope you will give me a chance to get to know me! Life is too short and while I enjoy making the best of every day it would be nice to have someone to enjoy life with me."

Wow! It's as if God put that posting in my path. It's all about her! She hopes her guy will get to know her - not she know him! She doesn't want to share her life with a guy, she wants said guy to share her life! It's all me me me and I I I

Is that what you're trying to tell me Maybell? If. So, I get it now! You planted the seed for me and this profile drove it home!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Wow, Don, I don't know you really but reading your thread is enlightening! As usual, maybell has come along and illuminated the room and I am AMAZED at your most recent discovery just above.

Amazing. This place is amazing. I wish you could all see my face. My mouth is wide open and my eyes wide. Amazing.


Previously known as ss06
Kid: D9
M: 12 yrs together 18
D final: pending

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"I hope you'll give me a chance" is negative...it tells the reader that she's not that good a catch and that there may be things she's hiding. Online dating fascinates me because every word a person types can have effect. I once coached a lady not too long ago who was asking, on the dating site, for some guidance 'cuz she was tired of the crap emails she was getting from guys. I told her to lose the negative stuff like "if you don't comment on my rack I won't suggest we send a search party to find your teenie weinie". She spent 2/3 of her profile talking to the men she DIDN'T want to attract! I told her that those guys don't even read your profile so why give them your energy! I gave her a few other tips too...nice lady (She actually asked me out after that ha ha ) Anyway, make sure you've got humour in your profile Don. Everyone loves to laugh. Don't have a long list of attributes you are looking for 'cuz that scares people off. NEVER sound negative...like "smokers turn me off" (even if they do...it's in their profile stuff anyway so no need to say it).So that's what I've got for you this morning. Oh, one thing that makes me move to the next profile is when a lady writes "I'm straight forward" or "I say it like it is" 'cuz that says to me "you piss me off and my boot will be so far up your butt it'll take a week to get it out" (My drill Sergeant once said that to me...with a few more profanities thrown in lol) Anyway, have a good day!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

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Originally Posted By: DonH
Agin, just so I'm not misunderstood here, Im not trying to dismiss anything being said. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of it all and change what I can. My level of confindece used to be that I was a guy many would love to date if I was not married. Perhaps that was never the case other than with my ex W


Don,

If it helps, I want you to know that I'm attracted to you.

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laugh laugh


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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DonH Offline OP
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I give up.

As for every word meaning something, I just can't agree. I see it everyday in my work that people simply don't read. They don't. If anything they skim. In fact, I'll prove it with the comments about what I should do online dating.

IM NOT ONLINE DATING!!!!!! And have not for many months. I wrote that several times. I was only using past examples and then looked at some profiles to see how many talked about the examples listed. I've not done well IRL lately but I've met way more people off line than on in the past six months.

NOT OLD


DonH
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Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
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Sorry, I must have missed that part. That said, I do read because when I approach a woman I want her to know that I did read what she wrote and that puts you ahead of a great many guys. Anyway, enough re: online dating smile


Divorced February 27, 2012.

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Originally Posted By: DonH


"I take care of myself and feel physical appearance is very important. Superficial! I exercise and try to eat right. So is it health or appearance? 'Health conscious' would have been better - that's important information because it won't work for her to be with someone who doesn't care about staying fit. I hope you will give me a chance to get to know me! She sounds defeated and self-centered all at once... Life is too short and while I enjoy making the best of every day it would be nice to have someone to enjoy life with me. Should have left out 'with me'. Also, 'making the best of every day' doesn't sound like she's really enjoying her life."

Wow! It's as if God put that posting in my path. It's all about her! She hopes her guy will get to know her - not she know him! She doesn't want to share her life with a guy, she wants said guy to share her life! It's all me me me and I I I



In an online dating profile you have to write about yourself to give someone an idea of who you are, though, so there will be a lot of 'I' and 'me'. But I would write about things I enjoy doing with a partner, what I'm looking for in a relationship, what I contribute.

I think the best profiles are 20-30 lines. It's short enough to read, and long enough to give a real impression of who the person is. And there should be something in there to make the reader smile or laugh - something a little surprising or witty.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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