This used to be way easier - and a lot more fun!

[Vanilla]

I have been thinking about readiness for R following my EE course and putting into place my notes from that course.

EE is the Essential Experience course much talked about when I first came to the board and I set as a goal my desire to attend that course. I want shift.

You know I like scoring stuff?

If you read my threads you will see I do score, for instance Sandi 37 "rules" out of 10. To start with every week then every month.

And I scored the abuse on the abuse threads.

I have my own thriving scoring and goals out of 10.

So what about readiness to R?

I have identified what I think are 10 key R communication factors which I am sharing with you. You can ignore if you want, rubbish V it's ok.

Readiness to R and measuring partner in R (when attaching)

1. I know where I am and know who I am. I have identified my strengths and weakness and I have good boundaries in place. I am a constant work in progress but in general I am balanced. I like me. My partner has good boundaries.

2. I have identified generally what I want in a partner. I know which of the items are absolute deal breakers for me. One of those is that my partner must be authentic and another that my partner is loving. Health is more important than looks. I have a checklist which gets modified and changed.

3. I am free to be with a partner. This means unattached and I have the time to give to an R. My previous R is done. I am not overburden with other commitments or hobbies. Space and time are available to share with another. My partner is free with time to build an R with me, I will not be low on priority as the R develops.

4. I am physically well,a good weight and I take care of me. I choose clothes that suit me, I have good grooming and eat well. I have my act together with great personal care. If I am unwell or stressed, then extreme self care applies. I give myself space to let loose and I take breaks. My partner is healthy and glowing.

I am free of addictions, compulsions and obsessions together with the thoughts of them. My partner is free of this too.

5. I meditate and apply mindfulness, I am centred and calm when things happen in my life. I can get through most trials and use my resources. My partner has resilience and spirituality with good values.

6. I can be playful and I have friends, hobbies and things which have great meaning in my life. My friends are appropriate caring. I let go of friends who cease to be good for me. I have put right where I have damaged R with friends and past loves. My partner also has a great support structure of their own.

7. I have resolved my childhood issues and am working on the best relationships with family of origin. Where bridges have to be mended I have worked to do this. I have let go of family R where that is appropriate. I successfully completed parent or parallel parent my children, even if they are adults. I seek a partner who is also on this path.

8. I have build the skills I need to be in an R. I understand validation, abuse and listening. My heart is open and where I need to I have counselling and I continue to build on these skills. Seeing this as essential for all my life. I know how to approach someone I am attracted to, and I know how the stages of an R work. I am prepared to move slowly and to let go if that isuits appropriate. I am looking for my best match not just the first one. My partner is growing in these values and skills.

9. I can live alone without being lonely. I enjoy my own company and would like but do not need another to fulfil me. My life's path is clear to me and I pursue that which is important. I am flexible and alive. My dependants have a high priority in my life. My partner is in a good place too.

10. I am financially sound, my legal sh1t is finished. I know where I stand and am building forwards. I am independent and have ensured that if my ex is partly providing that I have insurance cover. I have appropriate transport and assets. I live within my means and I apply resources to my wellbeing and that of my children. I have wills and protection. I build my own future. My partner is sound financially.

Well those are my thoughts.

V

[Sotto]

That's a great list V!! Xx

[DonH]

I knew I was way past due for an update - didn't know it had been nearly a month and a half! Although I have been posting elsewhere around the board so it's not like I've not commented or updated here and there about my life. Anyhow, the problem now is there will be so much to update... It's going to be a long one. I'll try to keep it as brief as I can.

So I have tried to employ some of the suggestions made here. To that end I backed off from online. I've also tried to change my outlook and attitude - being more playful and a bit more "Doodler." I have most certainly seen some movement and changes although nothing earth shattering and I can't say it's due to anything I'm doing. I much more think it's just the natural ebb and flow of life.

So... here's where I'm at. When I last posted here I was into a bit of a funk and was heading out of state for Thanksgiving. I had a GREAT time and I mean GREAT. It was so much fun on multiple fronts (music performance, seeing old friends, meeting new) and I met several new people and connected more with someone I previously knew. Clearly GAL works - at least for me. My challenge is setting up the GAL activities. This one was actually my doing and I am good at it but don't do it often these days. Met a typical online dater - self professed by her (of course from a different state than me). She's the daughter of an older musician friend of my's new wife. He's widowed and remarried rather quickly after his wife's sudden death. Anyhow, if this daughter is typical of the type of women I'm meeting online (but never meeting in person) it's no wonder and I'm fine with not meeting them. Not to say she was not nice, fun, pretty good looking, just very much like the WW or WAW we talk about here - at least I thought so.

Then on the last night, I connected and yes made out (no sex though) with someone I've known for a while, just not well. Remember how I've got them all over the USA but not here near me? There is Arkansas, Virginia, and now add Canada to that. She very much pursued me - which is often what it takes for me. We've been in touch very regularly although, here we go... I'm very turned off by her CONSTANTLY being there. Good lesson here for all of us. If I text, she responds in seconds - no matter what time of day. If I don't respond, she keeps texting. If I so much as pick up my phone and turn it on, evidently she can tell as she's there in minutes. HUGE TURN OFF. I was attracted to her personality and intelligence, less so her looks, but I'm proud of myself on that actually. I've always had to have personality and intelligence over looks - although it is a package. So I don't think this is me being "love avoident" near as much as she's just not for me as I get to know her more. Yet, I want someone to travel with, do things with, etc. She invited me to go somewhere for her birthday but I just can't. She seems like head over heals for me and I just don't feel it and again I have to just admit, it's a turn off for someone to be that into me after one weekend together, but much more so clingy. It's the lack of space, the pursing, the constant, I don't know, pursuit? Folks, these DB principles work in other than DB situations. It's the same in dating.

Then, I don't know if the moons have just aligned or what but I've been connecting with ladies in a casual way all over the place. Well perhaps not all over the place but way more than usual for me. Is it something I'm doing different? I don't know. I'm in a store, see someone interesting, end up in check out line together and she starts talking to me. At a restaurant with my mom and dad, single women comes in to purchase a gift certificate, I smile at her and said something and she totally has a conversation with me while we all waited and makes a point of saying goodbye and wishing me a Merry Christmas on her way out. Thought I saw a wedding ring though?

Then, there is this... Two years ago on Christmas eve, again with my mom and dad at church, this very pretty, but perhaps a bit too young for me single lady comes in. Of course the church is packed and she needs a seat. She ended up right in front of me and would you not know it, not two minutes later a nice but 85+ year old woman gets seated next to me. I joked after with my friends how bad my luck is with the hot blonde getting seated ahead of me and the grandma next to me. So anyhow, I got her name when she wrote it on the communion card - very unique name. Talk about cyber stalking LOL it took me less than a minute to find her on Facebook. I sent her a short message "You sat one pew too far forward in church - just sayin. Hope you have a very Merry Christmas." I figured that was safe to do. Again, that was two years ago. I never heard anything. So one week before Christmas this year - yes two years later, what do you think I got? "I literally just saw this now! Was this the church in [my town]? Hope you are well." Now because FB previously did not deliver messages unless you were friends, heck they used to charge $1 to send a message to non-friends for a while, now changed the rules again, I'm sure that's part of why she never saw it before and just found it. Yet she replied two years later. We've been texting a bit but not a lot. She does want to meet for coffee or a drink after the NY. She's a bit young for me. I'm 53 and she just turned 42 or 43, so not too bad. Divorced 4 or 5 years with no kids. So we'll see. We've both kept things pretty light although she although she responds quickly if I message her - we've just not talked a lot. I figured I'd save it for in person if that happens - esepically since she's not been overly talkative on text.

So that is the fastest update I can provide. Lessons learned/re-learned: GAL really does work for making ME feel better. I just need to push myself to do it. Sometimes trying less gets you more. Smile, start conversations, etc. Be a little bit (just a little bit) more like Doodler. And perhaps most of all, I have no control over it. Just as I had a rather long dry spell, things will heat up after a while. It's not on my time table.

Oh, and my favorite lady, the widow from Arkansas is still in the picture. We've been talking and texting more again. She's on vacation with her kids right now. I am for sure planning two trips next year and will casually invite her to be part of either of them and see where it goes. Thing is, among our discussions in the past month, we both very clearly have no intention of moving. Other than that, she would still be at the top of my list.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and is looking forward to the new year. I know I'm in a different place than most people here on this board (other than the Surviving section) so it's a rough time of the year for many. At least if you somehow are still on a roller coaster, it's the kiddie coaster at this point - the ups and downs are very minor when compared.

[Ginger1]

Don, looking at you making out with the chicks!

You are exuding a confidence and an approachableness and that's attracting the women to you. You are feeling good, and they know it. I love it!

As for too young? 10 years younger is not too young at all. I have been dating men with a bigger age gap since the D and it has to do with where you are in life, not what the number is.

And lets address the texting all the time. It's a strange way we communicate this modern day in age. it is really confusing. We know when we text we can instantly reply. I have a hard time not instantly replying because it's right there in front of me and it's easy to do. But I don't want to be available all the time like that. And yes, there are things that goes through ones head when there isn't a reply. We have to play a guessing game. It's annoying. I kind of miss the day of the phone call. Someone calls, they pick up the phone, have the conversation, and it is over until the next time. ANd it generally happens once a day. With the capability of being in constant contact, that's what is expected these days. ANd it is annoying. I would hesitate to even call it pursing. It's just the way it's done these days.

So, you have options. And you will have more options. Enjoy it all with an open mind and no expectations.

[trumpet]

Ginger1,

I agree on the texting.

I was avoidant of cell phones, even though I needed one for work, and I'm a techie. Just wanted freedom.

Now, if I don't get a text from my date, after an hour I start to wonder. We BOTH have lives, and I want her to have her life without me, and vise versa. But with texting comes expectations the speed of communications. Life would better if we could all just slow down...

As Don would probably agree, communicating via pressed lips is a lot better than text.

[ericmsant2]

Don - check fb.

[DonH]

Looks like I'm way past due for an update again. Time just seems to fly by. For it seems like ever, I've always had a very busy start to the year with three separate events that I'm involved in. It's great for GAL but makes it hard to keep up with other things. The last of the three happened this weekend in a suburb of Chicago.

Feeling a bit down today after a bunch of punches in the gut - or at least that's sort of how it feels sometimes. I also saw the down-side of what I think I want again with other couples which always give me both a bit of clarity and some pause. Read on for details on what I'm talking about. Once again, this post is pretty long. I hope you'll take the time to read it all, but if nothing else, go to the ////// lines below to skip over the individual gut punch details.

So... the punches in the gut... Where do I start? My favorite woman to date lives about 10 hours away (by car) and I totally get that's not workable. Still, I'd love to date her more, but for the most part, she's not wanting to even try the long distance thing. Shot her a text as I was heading to Chicago as that's where we've often met as she comes for work every several months. The last time we talked as after Christmas, and it's normal for us to go several weeks or even a month. Again, it's not an ongoing R. Didn't hear back, which is not typical of her so I checked, which is when she said she's started seeing someone and didn't think it would be a good idea to date someone else - or me. Really hit me harder than I thought - at least for a little while. I totally know it would be super hard with the distance but even so, some other guy now will get what at least I think I want. Punch 1.

Number two was no real huge deal as someone I met over Thanksgiving showed up at the event this weekend with her mom and step-dad (seems odd saying that at this age). I partly wondered if it was because she knew I'd be there? Again, long distance this time about 4 or 5 hours by car. Saw her a bit on Friday but as I'm sort of working (band gig thing) was not able to spend a huge amount of time right away. No big deal I figured, as we would both be there for several days. Well, she never came back Friday night and near halfway through Saturday I sent her a text asking her where she was hiding. She went home! I'm like really? I get some "not a good prospect" vibes from her anyhow so no real huge deal but I'd certainly have liked to spend some time with her. Perhaps she will work on her issues - Half a punch on this one.

Punch 3 was couples, couples, couples EVERYWHERE! And many with new girlfriends. Again really? One guy had a super awesome wife. He's a great guy too. She was very pretty, fit, a long distance runner, very smart, very nice and died suddenly of a brain aneurysm that burst. That was 2, perhaps 3 years ago, but I really think 2. I've seen this guy multiple times since (again he does not live in my state) and so imagine the somewhat surprise when he arrives with a girlfriend. If I had to guess, she's way more into him than he is into her and she is nowhere near what his wife was, seemed at least 10 years younger too, but certainly seemed friendly and nice enough. Life goes on and in this case I'm very happy for him as were others. But... 2 years widowed and finds someone at least worthy of a weekend getaway as I went back to my hotel room with a big king size bed, of course, by myself. Gut Punch 3.

There were others as well, including our drummer, who had a really nice girlfriend last year but for whatever reason, that didn't work out. He brought his new GF of about two months. It seemed nearly everyone, but me... You get the point.

So I figured, I need to perhaps cast a wider net, not be as picky. Drummer's latest GF brought a friend, who seemed interested in me and flirty. Not really my type, quite a bit younger, but nice enough and I figured at least fun enough to hang out with as we checked out some of the room parties following the end of music. She was less interested after I showed some interest. Really, I'm now getting shot down by... Better not say it as I'll likely get flamed but wow, I can't even connect (and I don't me sexually) with someone that doesn't even... Again you get it.

I still had a very good time, played some great music, saw at least 50 people/friends that I only get to see a half dozen times a year. Got home Sunday, really tired, watched the Super Bowl while getting caught up on email, texts, Facebook, etc. (since that Packers were not in it, I only had half interest anyhow) Which is where I see yet another past women I dated and her new boyfriend. This is the one I talked about a while ago who's son started college this past year. I talked with her friend that set us up a few weeks ago and she said she's not heard from her at all lately either. Guess we know why. Gut punch, what is it now 5?

And that was just one weekend. Not sure if I posted about the woman I met in church and messaged? She got the message two years later, seemed flattered and suggested we meet. I thought, yeah, that's fine. We both decided it would be easier after Christmas as we were both busy with the holidays. I check in after Christmas for her to tell me she "met someone" at a Christmas party and didn't think we should meet after all. I call BS on "meeting someone" - I think it was just her excuse. She said we could still meet for a drink as friends - which is honestly all I was going to do anyhow, Still, it's not happened, and it's now February. Not sure if I'll try again or not.

Then there is the event I did two weeks ago. Again, saw perhaps a hundred people I know (it's a very big event of 5 days). Saw someone I've not seen for a long time. We've known each other for nearly 25 years, flirted but never dated. She always gives THE BEST hugs and I tell her that too. She was very excited to see me, gave me a GREAT hug and we caught up - including her getting married. Okay, so much for any thought there. Still great to see her though.

I also met someone who I would have put down a $1,000 bet that she was flirting with me. Very smart, great conversation, seemed fun. I would have asked her to go to dinner with the group of NINE I went with - four couples and me of course - but I could not find her anywhere. We come back after dinner to go to the evening dance. This is where I meet a guy that's now on the fire department I was on for near 25 years. My friends had told me about him at dinner and how his wife died of cancer a few years ago. I'm sure you already know what I'm about to say. Yep, he shows up with a girl that is TOTALLY my type - at least looks wise and I mean TOTALLY. They seemed to have zero chemistry. I could have thought they were brother and sister - honestly. She seemed to be interested in him but he's very shy and would not touch her - at least not in public. I'm never the kind of guy to hit on someone else's date, but c'mon. Plus, I thought there might be promise with the lady flirting with me. Not totally my type looks wise and I did wonder a little bit about her. I messaged several friends including Ginger, who asked me if it was a problem because "she looked her age?" Wow, Ginger is exactly what I need to help me see things more clearly and I really thank her for it. Not sure if that's what it was, but it helped me to decide I'm going to ask her out. So I call, we have a GREAT conversation although she was less flirty on the phone and it was mostly "business" about the event. My primary reason for wanting to ask her out without knowing her better is very often I won't see someone for another year until this event happens again. It's not like I thought I'd see her in a few weeks or something. So I asked her out, she was flattered and very nice about telling me she's already dating someone and doesn't want to date more than one person even though they are not in a full R. She also said she has a "dear friend" - not a boyfriend but a dear friend. Finally, she said we could still go to dinner and wants to do that. To be honest, I'm nearly positive that's because it's a girlfriend, and not a boyfriend. The signs were there all along, I just figured, again, I need to broaden who I consider. Perhaps that's a wider net that I should cast. LOL So in other words, that's what it's come to, I think lesbians and hitting on me and then ask them out!

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I will stop there as I'm sure many of you have stopped reading. For those still going, how in the hell can this not at least be partly me? It just has to be. It's as much them and life in general but I have to be doing things wrong. How is it I rarely get or want a second date? Hell, it's hard enough to get the first date! What is it about what I'm doing or about me? Is the fact that I'm not sure what I want myself showing through? I'm attempting to connect with a very wide range of women here - younger, older, tall, short, professional, blue collar, I mean I'm giving near everyone at least a shot. Even when they appear interested, they are gone as fast as they arrived - like the one who came this weekend and then left, the girl from church who seems excited to meet me, until I say yes, then doesn't want to. The lady who says she wants to go out again, but then ghosts me then gets a boyfriend. On-line was the same deal - actually worse. I've certainly met more women in person than online.

I've now been divorced for over 10 years and have not had what most would call a GF for about 3.5 years. On the other side of the coin, I also saw the down side of all of this. Couples arguing, wives bitching about their husbands drinking too much or staying out too late in room parties. One guy, who I never in a million years would think could get a GF (he's my age, never married, never lived with anyone, only had like 1 or 2 GF in his life) and here he is with a GF for over 6 months. Well... She's still MARRIED, with her husband dying of cancer, as she makes out with a keyboard player from one of the bands with this "BF" in the other room. Yeah, I want zero part of any of that so it explains what the real truth is.

All that said, down sides and all, there is just no way I cannot be playing some role in all of this. I have to be. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong so how can I change it? To make things worse, I think I'm ready to at least have an actual GF. But will I want it if and when it even happens? That really feels like a 50/50 proposition right now. Still, what I have [censored]. For the most part I just roll with all the punchs and keep going but it's very hard to do after getting punched in the gut time after time after time.

[Maybell]

Don, have you made a list of what you want a relationship to look like? Not just her looks, age, etc., but how you would spend your time together, how you would fight, how you would make up? What would a great relationship look like to you?

[DonH]

I have not, partly because I've not thought that far ahead. It's sort of like living in my parents house and thinking about how I'd decerate my own home, how I'd fix things that broke, how I'd mow the lawn, etc. - rather than about what kind of house I could afford, what city I may want to live in, how large I'd like the house to be (or his small) etc.

That said, I could rather easily create a decent starter list like you are talking about. I know very well what I want, or at least what I believe I want and perhaps more importantly don't want.I think that is in part why I reject or don't peruse many of the women I encounter as they dont appear to meet much of what would be on that list.

I'm guessing that really the list is in my head in great part. I'm happy to write it out on here if it will help. Tell me, what would I do with it if I wrote it out? I'm not sure what you're driving at but would love to hear.

I could totally supply the blue prints for my perfect women. I just need someone to build her, or just find her and deliver her to my door. I'd really love that!

[Maybell]

You can't look for "the perfect woman" and "a great relationship" at the same time. Looking for "the perfect woman" leaves YOU out of the equation. It just measures up a woman according to a set of checkboxes without taking into account what she might want from a relationship. It doesn't take into account how you contribute to the relationship either. If you want walks on the beach and she wants to go antique shopping in Paris (extreme example) then even if you check every one of her boxes and she checks every one of yours, then it's not going to work. Casting a wider net without knowing what you want and what you bring to the relationship won't get you any different results.

I can't find it right this minute but I'll try to dig up my old list in the next day or two to show you what I mean. I didn't know in the first couple of dates if My Guy fit the bill, but I did know within about three months. I do remember I put a geographic distance limitation on it, because I didnt' think I could learn much from my first post-marriage relationship if it was long distance; I did have a minimum height expectation on it (My Guy misses it by one inch, so it was a "nice to have" not a "have to have")' and the rest of it was things like "he wants to get out and do more than see a movie" or "he holds my hand."

There is something about the way you write about the women you're interested in that makes it sound like a constant audition for your attention, rather than a search for a partner. I also rarely hear about you showing interest in local women, so I wonder about that.

Is that enough for a start?