The only problem is ... based on what people write her about their spouses ... most of the spouses are fools.
How is that a problem? Not sure how that should change that the approach of the LBS should stay focused on becoming the person that only a fool would leave... I would say the point is a good one as many threads now are missing that in the advice... Lots of focus on countering every little move of the WAS...not really good DBing...
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
The only problem is ... based on what people write her about their spouses ... most of the spouses are fools.
How is that a problem? Not sure how that should change that the approach of the LBS should stay focused on becoming the person that only a fool would leave... I would say the point is a good one as many threads now are missing that in the advice... Lots of focus on countering every little move of the WAS...not really good DBing...
Bingo! Becoming the spouse only a fool would leave doesn't mean you change to meet everyone of their demands. It means becoming more comfortable in yourself, the way you handle conflict, communicate, and compromise. Let's face it, we ALL could do better. This is a true learning experience. It doesn't mean changing who we are to the core, but becoming a healthier version of ourselves. I am sad sometimes I lost my "innocence" in all of this. That we just get married, love eachother, and live happily ever after. It takes work!!!
Completely agreed that countering every move of the LBS is not DBing. It really becomes a power struggle and a pissing match. Doesn't bring anyone closer to their goal.
Well, I messed up pretty good this past week. A little back story first: Over the past 2 years my W and I have become pretty good friends with one of our neighbors. We talk all the time, play board games, have dinners together, ect.
Well here is where I messed up: The day after my W moved out (last Monday) my neighbor asked me where she was. I completely broke down and rambled on and on about most of everything that was going on with our sitch while sobbing my eyes out. I immediately regretted this breakdown but it was too late at this point. Well, I specifically asked her to keep that private as I shouldn't have done that. This weekend apparently she told another neighbor who happens to be the drama queen of the cul-de-sac that we live on...well this neighbor then proceeded to call my W and tell her that she needs to be careful who her friends are and told her that she knows some things about the sitch now. Obviously my W is furious at me for blabbing (and I'm furious at myself for this one seeing as I have a couple friends and my mom to talk to) and I am mad at my neighbor for betraying my trust. Now of course W says that if she decides to come back it can't be in that house,Which I understand to an extent. So that will just add another level of complexity to our sitch if/when that time comes.
It was a decent weekend until all of that unfolded. I'm so disappointed in my so called "friend". Now it will be very awkward that it will be a strictly professional-like relationship with the neighbor.
It is time for you to quarantine yourself to a safe place... Read, read and re read and then find some "SAFE" persons to help you practice.
I know it is hard... Mistakes will happen ad have happened to all of us... You are your own worst enemy as you continue to run back into the game in spite of your coaches objections that you are not ready...need more practice...more understanding.
No more focus on the mistake now...jot down the few lessons that you learned from it...then the few actions you will take to avoid doing it again.
Sometimes the best action is to sit still and stop moving.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
My impression is that most spouses who leave won't admit there is even a theoretical possibility of coming back.
ForGump - I'm not sure of that. Each situation is different as are the reasons for the spouse to leave. A "walk-away-wife" certainly is determined to be gone and never come back. A wayward may be just a spoiled brat who feels that they can do whatever they want but still have a safe return. In my MLC case, my W is (I believe) lost and confused about what she actually wants. In my case - which is not the case for everyone - my W has never talked about D and only talked about a long term relationship with OM in the most general terms. How they feel and what they say in the heat of the moment may not be the way they feel later. I think it's even in the "rules" to believe none of what they say and only 1/2 what they do.
As they used to say in the advertisements "your milage may vary". I have read here and other places of each "type" of spouse coming back. Quite a few don't but some do.
Originally Posted By: lostasf
It was a decent weekend until all of that unfolded. I'm so disappointed in my so called "friend". Now it will be very awkward that it will be a strictly professional-like relationship with the neighbor.
lostasf - we all "screw up" in some fashion at some point. Don't take it too hard. In fact you can treat it as a positive in some ways because you don't have to hide like I do. In my neighbourhood there are I believe 3 people that I've talked to at all and they only know that W has left and that I'm distraught. For the rest of the world I feel that I have to put on a bit of an act which is tough when you are hurting inside so badly.
The future of whether your W comes back or not is in the future and is not part of your present. For the present know that around you are very likely people who are kind and sympathetic (as well as the rumour mongers, fire-starters and the just plain useless). Be careful about who you trust and keep things fairly close even when pressed but you no longer have to lie or conceal. If your W does come back, then that is a story that is yet to be told. If you make sure that when you talk about your W to your neighbours that you don't talk her down then very likely while it will be awkward for her to be in that neighbourhood it can be a place of acceptance as well.
Good luck and keep your chin up and chest out. Don't look at what happened as a mistake - it's just a step on the journey.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Are you getting tired yet of having the success or failure of your day depend almost solely on the reactions, actions, words, or lack thereof of another person that you seemingly have no influence with?
Seriously...
You can only affect you. You can only change you. You are responsible for your own happiness. You have no control over another person.
So why do you keep living like those statements are untrue? Why do you give one good damn what she does, doesn't do, says, or doesnt say right now?
Has she not made herself clear? You know, part of the reason these walk away spouses get so angry with us is that our actions and words make it clear the WE ARENT HEARING THEM! She moved out. She does not want to be married right now. She wants to see if someone else can make her feel good about herself.
She has no reason to believe 1). That you care what she thinks or feels 2). That you will actually cut the cord with her
The result is what you've got - a cake-eating spouse, living a new life potentially on your dime, and you frozen in time, paralyzed and unable to move on with your life.
There's nothing for her to run back to.
Are you tired of this yet?
Blessings, Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
