I am glad to hear that you are willing to look at your mistakes and want to make changes. This is what will carry you far whether you two reconcile or not. I would encourage you to find an IC that can help you through this process, keep doing your GAL activities and 180s. If you can stay on course, over time, you will grow as a person and all of your Rs in life will be stronger. If your W does not come around and give you another chance, then you will eventually meet someone and have a better R with them. That is the silver lining in DB.
I believe this is true because you have been given a gift--the rug has been pulled out from under you--and you will not longer walk through life being blind to your unhappiness and how you may hurt others. There is no use in beating yourself up any further and that will not bring her back. And there is NOTHING you (or anyone) can do that justifies infidelity. If she chooses to go down that path then she will have to live with the consequences. My H is years down the road and still has to live with his shame and regret of his A. The grass is never greener on the other side of the fence, it's greener where you water it!
So how can we help you move forward? You are getting new clothes and that is great! Find some people in the store that are dressed well and ask for advice. Most people are happy to help a stranger in that way! Try and make a few fun plans a week to get your mind off this sitch, even if you are not motivated to, it is a great distraction. I think this is also the best time to reach out to family and friends that you may not be spending much time with--nurture those relationships now. I made some wonderful friends and strengthened several Rs during my separation--and I still have them. Most people want to support friends during hard times and they can help you reinforce the postive changes you are ready to make in your life.
This could be a long journey, but you will get to the other side. Try not to keep beating yourself up. Start pulling from resources to help you understand why you made those mistakes and how to prevent them moving forward. Stay on course and become the man only a fool would leave, not for her, but for you!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
So last night W came by to pick up some things that she had ordered for her new apartment. Before coming she asked if I would like her to bring one of our dogs that she took to live with her at the apartment (I kept the other 2 dogs for now and we agreed that we would swap them out from time to time). I of course excitedly agreed because I miss the little guy! So she came over and brought him which was really awesome. It was awkward that she knocked on the door when she got there, it was awkward when she asked if she could use the bathroom, and there were several other things that were fairly awkward...but overall not nearly as awkward as I had expected. After getting everything in her car she mentioned that she needed to go to the store to pick up a prescription and asked if I minded keeping the dog while she did that for a bit. I of course agreed but then she asked if I needed anything which I had a list of things that I needed. So she asked if I wanted to go along with her. I agreed to go along with her and we also decided to cook and eat dinner together. We came back to the house cooked, ate, and she left...simple as that. We were both very cordial and there was no R talk.
I know all of that feels good and seems like things are going in the right direction, but I think you are being used. She is cake eating. All of that stuff means nothing if she is still engaged in an A. If she is, you need to steer completely clear of her. If the A is still ongoing, you are only prolonging it by allowing her to cake eat.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I missed the post about her discovering your thread. You didn't change your name or anything, so are you posting as if she's reading it? We really need to know, b/c it makes a difference if she sees into your toolbox.
All that stuff you were so upset over and came back to add.....was this what "she" brought up, when she said you had not given a fair view of the situation and proceeded to remind you what you had done? If that's true, then you were not really seeing it for yourself, but you had her pointing it out. Is that right? If not, set me straight.
How were things left, after she discovered the forum? How did she discover it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
@LiM: I didn't see it as a feel good moment, I was just journaling.
@Sandi: I am not posting as if she is reading it, I really believe she wants nothing to do with it now. As for the stuff that I came back and added: Yes those are things she pointed out to me, of course I expounded upon them some but they were definitely her points and I did not come to those realizations without her help. So you are correct, she pointed out these things and I relayed them to you guys so that you have more of the full picture.
She discovered it because I accidentally left it up on my laptop at some point...not even sure when. As for how things were left: She moved out and we haven't really communicated about any of it since then.
I'm not sure you understand that when you decide to implement boundaries in a way that makes your wayward spouse uncomfortable, the [censored] literally hits the fan.
I'm sorry you weren't more forthcoming about your role in the deterioration of the marriage relationship. I often wondered how many stories on here are a bit glossed over in favor of the writer.
Your wife choosing to have an affair is indefensible in my opinion. But you should understand that from her perspective, this is NOT, I repeat NOT, some crazy knee-jerk reaction on her part. You denied her presence. For years. You showed her over and over again that you did not care for or value her input. That stuff leaves scars and tears a person down.
It's also the reason why such spouses get so pissed off when we have finally come to the realization that we have screwed up our marriage. It's what she wanted for a long time, but it never happened. When she finally decided to seek happiness somewhere else, and take advantage of your obliviousness to her presence, THEN you decide to care and want her back.
And now, when she asks for space, you want to make it uncomfortable? How dare you?!
You've got work to do here. And for what it's worth, I think this relationship can actually be saved and restored. But being an ass by acting as though you are the innocently wounded party is not the way it's going to get done.
Take ownership. But also refuse to be cuckolded. You're willing to do everything you can to repair, rebuild, restore your marriage. But you're not going to do it while she keeps a man in waiting on the side. If she's moving out, then you're willing to go it alone, but that means really going it alone. That means protecting EACH OTHER financially. That doesn't mean I suddenly become an ass and pretend that I'm incapable of doing something nice and helpful to another human being if I can.
I don't know lost. Maybe I should shut up since today is the first day I've known anything about your story.
But I think you're going about this wrong...
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
By the way, for the rest of the people out there...
What happened to the council that used to be given about making yourself the more attractive option?
I've read through four different threads today and not seen anyone mention that even one time.
In many of these stories, there is a path to reconciliation that is powered by becoming a better version of the person that they once fell in love with.
Just wondering...
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
So, first dental surgery was done yesterday and went well. It was strange not remembering where I had been all day or what i had been doing when I woke up.
Anyway, W did ask me how things went, and I said they went well. She also said to let her know if I needed anything. She also checked on me again today. So at least I am still a thought in the very back of her mind. Either way I'm almost certain that she is still continuing her R with OM even though she was supposed to go NC with both of us. I can't control her though, so somehow I need to convince myself to just let that go. Got several things planned for the weekend with people...so hopefully that takes my mind off of the situation at hand for the weekend.
My Visa for the China trip is scheduled to arrive on the 20th and I leave on the 22nd so it is really cutting it close. This is of course adding to my stress level! But hopefully the plan all comes together.
Thanks for your response Bworl. Could you please enlighten me as to how you feel as though I am going about this wrong? I don't disagree with your statements, I'm just curious what leads you to that conclusion. At this point there is very little contact between me and W and we are separated. She is still talking to (and probably seeing) OM. We have not officially split finances, we did more of an informal split of finances where she took a little, I took a little and we agreed to leave the big pot alone for now.
By the way, for the rest of the people out there...
What happened to the council that used to be given about making yourself the more attractive option?
I've read through four different threads today and not seen anyone mention that even one time.
In many of these stories, there is a path to reconciliation that is powered by becoming a better version of the person that they once fell in love with.
Just wondering...
Bill
Bill - I agree. I've "only" been on this forum for about 7 months now but have noticed that the advice given tends to cycle through different philosophies. I'm sure that I speak for everyone though when I express my gratitude for the consistent messages coming from people like sandi2, Cadet etc. My own philosophy largely matches the general message of the board about being the person "only a fool would leave". We all arrive here with a certain amount of damage and baggage and before we can be any good to anyone we have to spend some time examining ourselves honestly and becoming that person that we can love ourself and then we can be that person who our spouse can love as well. Even though I desperately still want one, I do believe there are no "quick fixes" or easy answers that will be sustainable for the long term.
lostasf - I think what is being asked here of you is are "you" being the best that you can be? There is darned little that any of us can do to affect our spouses or what they do in a positive way. We can fairly easily annoy them but we can't force them to love and admire us again. I will confess that I haven't read through your thread recently but am a bit familiar with your story and like most of us you are very focused on your W and what she is up to and hoping to influence her. Heck - I did that myself 3 days ago. I'm not suggesting that you try to compete with OM - heck in the greater majority of the cases out there OM isn't worth the air that they breathe and there is no comparison. I and I believe Bworl are suggesting that you work on being yourself - and that that self is someone you can love and admire and is a person who your W can also. OM and the A may very well be temporary. From what I've read and seen in real life they often are. You need to be ready for when she turns towards you for her to see what a great guy you are - by being yourself and the best lostasf you can be. Then and only then can you start building a new MR with her putting the past behind you both.
We now return you to your regular thread - sorry for the interruption.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
