Return Trip for advice

[Bunches]

Hi,

I haven't made use of this site in a couple years now, but today I don't feel like I can turn to anyone I know personally so I come back here for advice from those of you who might understand.

My now X wife has been gone for nearly 3 years. Divorce was final last summer. X had been seeing OM for the first year she left but had stopped dating all together and had spent a long time alone. We've been spending time together each week when she visits for the last year. She only has a couple hours one day each week to spend with our son so we fell into a habit of meeting somewhere and making it a joint effort. We talk and she seems to open up at times about her life and whats going on without me prying, just asking whats up. I don't know when but I guess I had started to feel like things were healing and maybe on the road to...something.

This morning I received a large text saying that she didn't know how to talk to me about it in person but felt she owed me the courtesy of being up front about it. She has met someone, dating for a bit now and decided she wants them to meet our son. I feel like an idiot for even caring after so long but its really getting to me. I know DB tells me that she is on her own path now, to focus on me and my life. But the advice I need is about our interaction. I feel like if she is continuing back down this route then she has to loose this relationship with me and that I can't have this relationship with her for my own sake. I'm concerned if that is right. I get texts at least every other day asking how S8 day was or how he is feeling or how our day is going. Before it seemed okay to have dialog and just talk to her about it but now I just don't know. Most people would say just hand the phone to S8 and let her talk to him but he is non verbal autism and can't talk to her. She relies on me to include her and inform her of everything.

I don't have a great track record of reacting well with X and OM situations. Input or thoughts would be appreciated.

[Coly23]

Hi Bunches, sorry you find yourself back here.

I think it's a shame that your XW wasn't upfront with you to say she has started seeing someone rather than wait until she is ready for them to meet S. Your D so she shouldn't have felt she couldn't tell you in the first place. Did you feel your relationship with her was going beyond friendship?

I think you just need to continue to interact with her for your S but not for anything else. Why can she only see him for a couple of hours a week if you don't mind me asking?

[Bunches]

Hey Coly, thanks for responding. I'm not sure what I thought, maybe that we were getting to a place where we could talk about something else. It's always been an uncomfortable topic for us because of how she ended things.

A couple months back she called us to talk about S and ended up breaking down on the phone and crying. She apologized for the way things were. I didn't know what to say and maybe should have pressed it but didn't think it was a good idea. In the last few months it seems like she has been reminiscing a lot about things in our lives years ago. I guess I thought maybe she was thinking about trying to work it out. I guess not now...

She never has a lot of time for S8. She picks him up for her every other weekend without fail and drops by to spend some time with him once a week during the week but she often cuts those visits short because she is tired or on a tight schedule. To my knowledge, because I can't say I know everything about her life, but she works a demanding job so it keeps her busy. She rarely asks for more time though and never more than "I'll drop him off in the morning instead of tonight" kind of thing. She never takes him on her vacation time and when she has scheduled visitation for him around the holidays she has to arrange him to stay at her dad's because she can't take off work. She talks a lot about him coming first but I don't really see where he is ever put first.

I know that's more of an answer than you asked for there...sry.

[Coly23]

Hey Bunches, I think you need to be a bit less accommodating to her. Even though you are D she still seems to be cake eating.

Maybe you need to go back to DB principles and GAL. Ask her to look after S an extra night each week because you have a class to go to or something like that. Also rather than her coming to you to spend time with S suggest you drop S off to her and go out so she has no excuse to cut the visit short. Does she not have a place of her own?

I know it's hard not to know what is going on in their heads. I think sometimes we miss the signs but then are to cautious when we do notice them. It's a fine balance I think.

[Bunches]

Maybe you are right and I should be trying to get her to share the load better. She only keeps him over night four days a month currently. She has a one bedroom apartment so he doesn't have any space of his own when he stays there.

I always miss signs...I'm not good at picking up on the non obvious. Never have been.

[Coly23]

Whether she has a small apartment is really her issue. I assume she left the marriage? If so, she's made her bed and it's not up to you to accommodate her and make moving on easy.

IIMHO you need to take back control of your life because at the moment it seems like you she has you eating out of her hands because you are looking for any breadcrumbs that she might be offering.

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but you've got the right to a life as well but at the moment it all seems to be about what she wants and what she can get out of you to enable it.

[Bunches]

You're right, and it's not harsh...just honest...she has her life and her path. And I shouldn't be a part of it. She doesn't need me in it to spend time with S. She needs to carry her own load and I need to be doing my own things.

I think sometimes it just helps to have someone impartial to life to bounce these things off of and I'm glad to have somewhere to go where someone else understands. Thanks

She did leave after 8 years of marriage. It wasn't until 6 months after she left I learned about OM that she had left with. But that's all pretty ancient now. It seems everyone else that has a story of being left mustered their strength so quickly in comparison and got their lives together. Its taking me so long to get there.

[Sotto]

Bunches my friend!! I remember you back from 2014 when I was posting as Toots - now Sotto..and sadly D'd, but doing okay nonetheless.

I'm glad you are posting again, but sorry for the circumstances. I think it is really hard when you have kids together. XH and I didn't, but I do keep in touch with my SS & his Mum separately to XH, whom I haven't seen for a couple of years now. He's still with his AP as far as I know.

Anyway, I think the message from me is - it's best to try and separate out what is best for your S, and what felt best for you at the time you thought you might be seeing some early reconnection desire. My view is - the goalposts just shifted and we are back to purely what is best for your S and what works for you as a coparent. Who knows further down the line, but it is what it is for now.

As you guys are D'd for a little while now and she wants to introduce a guy to your S, I would think that's reasonable (though not nice for you I appreciate.) I certainly wouldn't make any objection to that. I also wouldn't make any major statement like - well you're doing that so we don't get to do this. I would however gently withdraw and be less available for her.

So, what about your own life Bunches. How have things been moving forward for you over the past couple of years? I particularly remember valuing your posts at a difficult time for me and would like to thank you for posting to me.

I hope this helps a little and I am sorry for the turn things have taken...in the much longer term who knows my friend, but do live your life for you in the meantime.

Take care and I hope you're having a nice weekend :)x

[Bunches]

Toots!!! OMG, yes I remember you. You were always such a supportive and influencial voice. Glad to hear from you. Things are okay I guess. In the last couple years I've managed to reconnect with old friends and get back to some hobbies. Gained some weight, then lost some weight....ya know. Mostly I've been focused on my S. I never took that job in NC, stayed in GA...which looking back was probably a mistake. I actually parted with my old company last month after 9 years of working for them and am taking some time for me right now. Catching up on reading, diet & exercise, and looking to get some certification from a local technical school while I can make the time without taking away from time with S. Heading to IL some time this week to visit my oldest sister and fam.

What about you? What's new?

[Sotto]

Yes I'm good thanks. I have a thread in the midlife crisis area of the forum now. XH decided to file for D, despite my DBing efforts. Now when I look back, ours was a shortish R with no kids together and geographical distance upon S too. I think the odds were probably pretty long for us...and I have mostly accepted things.

I got a new job, we resolved all the finances and I just bought a new house. I have done lots of GAL activities, and that has really helped...so life is pretty good. I don't hear from XH and I don't think about him all that much. I certainly don't particularly feel in pain about the situation, apart from occasionally.

So, generally doing fine & thanks for asking...hope you'll keep posting - it's nice to hear from you.

x