D and MLC

[Sotto]

Hi Cil, I'm always struck by how well you and XH seem to get along. That's a good thing as long as you can accept that he may not have much to offer just now. And I do think you accept that and are feeling pretty good within yourself.

I always think the best measure is whether you can have these interactions and then let them go. You seem to do that, after a little reflection - which is all good I think.

I find your updates really positive and am pleased you are doing so well.

Xx

[bttrfly]

Hi Cil ... just want you to know I'm thinking about you and wishing you a peaceful holiday xoxoxoxo

[ciluzen]

Hey bttrfly! Thanks for checking on me! I wish I had a peaceful holiday, too. In some ways it was, but in others...well, a lot went on.

I can't even begin to remember the chronology of the whole thing, but I'll try to go over the "highlights" for the sake of journaling. ITS GOING TO BE A LONG POST!

My mother flew up on her birthday and at her pre-arranged request, I took her straight from the airport to a beautiful restauraunt with a view of "the Falls" and the river. My D26, her H, D24, her boyfriend, me and mom were all able to celebrate her 80th birthday together. It made her very happy even though she was extremely exhausted from her trip. My D24 was showing signs of a barely suppressed anxiety attack, however, and she and her boyfriend left right after. This concerned my mom quite a bit so I ended up explaining that although D is in treatment, she isnt very consistant with self care or taking her meds.

I really didn't study while my mom was here...every time I'd pick up a book or turn on my computer she'd start talking to me, which was fine. Usually about H, which got a bit tiresome. Mostly questions I either couldn't answer or that I really wanted to shout, "that's none of your business!" instead. I didn't; I was a LITTLE more tactful than that. She really kept dwelling on the fact that she had gotten him two presents for Christmas and kept hoping out loud that he'd like them, almost as if there was some magic in giving him a Taco Bell gift card that would bring us back together again. Ahhh...hopefulness.

H called quite a bit for various reasons. He wanted to give me money towards D26's present, but forgot that we had both contributed to her H's present in cash, so had gotten him a gift card. He had also gotten something for D24 as had I. Basically, it came down to him wanting to pay for all of the kids' presents, but have them be from both of us. Which was interesting. I then told him that I was planning to send his parents a floral centerpiece for Christmas (I do so every year because they love them) and he thought that would be great. He then asked if it could be from us both. So, I made sure it was.

My mother got to meet a few of my friends as they dropped by with holiday gifts...that made her so happy! We also drove around the area so that she could understand where in the city my apartment was...the lay of the land, so to speak. She really loved the beautiful snowy drives through the state park and the holiday lights. The neighborhoods of older craftsman homes really excited her and she felt like she had gone back to the Christmas times of her youth.

Christmas Eve day my D24 informed me at 3 in the morning that her boyfriend (who had spoken of marrying her) had cheated on her and she was struggling but had to sleep and then go to work. I had to force my self to honor her request to let her "deal".

Christmas Eve another friend came over for dinner with my mother and I and we had a wonderful time! We talked over appetizers and I kept running into the kitchen (thank God for small apartments)but didn't miss a word. I love to cook, so along with salad and scalloped potatoes I made a medley of scallops, shrimp and rock lobster tail with broccolini, asparagus, and green beans in a white wine and herbed butter sauce, wrapped in paper and cooked in the oven. Dessert was spiced pears and a brandied carmel over vanilla gelato. I really enjoy creating enjoyable food, so cooking for these two ladies and making them happy was a great present for me.

Christmas Day at about 2am I recieved a text from D24 that she was being taken to a hospital for a psych evaluation by a friend and the boyfriend. I let H know, so we ended up talking through the situation and texting throughout the day until D24 was sent home. We honored her request to not come to the hospital. As two "control freaks" this was a big deal. She just wanted to sleep. I let my mom know a little bit without giving up too much info, because D24 was supposed to come over Christmas morning and now couldn't.

Christmas dinner was just me, my mom and H at my D26 and her H's house. It was very nice. She is becoming a very good cook (both D are) and had made a very good turkey that she had "wine-brined" for two days. We all got to meet her Christmas puppy (she got him a few weeks earlier)- 13 weeks old and already a pretty big Aussie Shep/Border Collie pup!

We all took turns opening gifts. H was surprised that my mother gave him gifts. After much debate, I had bought him a Christmas gift, as well. Back story: I'm horrible at giving people gifts. Last year I gave him nothing...in fact, we didn't even see each other at Christmas. I finally, after seeing the terrible shape his ski gloves were in, realized I could actually give him a great gift that he'd love. I got him a pair of very nice ski mittens with built in gloves. He was surprised...and very, very appreciative. After a lovely night of good food and good conversation, I even got a very nice, "old H" bear hug with his face against the side of mine (not quite a kiss, but close). He stayed to speak to D26 about her sister while I took my mom home. H did call to let me know 2 days later that he used his gloves and that they were wonderful. MLCer is poking his head out for the holidays...

I've gotten a call almost every day, two yesterday. Once again, they start off with a wierd reason, but take an hour...mostly him talking, venting, etc. Pretty sure its loneliness and the fact that he has taken time off. I know he has a houseful at the vacation home over New Year's because D26 was planning on going and he was going to have to sleep on the couch. The house sleeps 16 comfortably and more on couches and futons in the "rumpus room". I may offer him the blowup mattress I got for my mom. I actually dont feel so left out anymore...those people matter less and less to me since I havent seen or heard from them in about a year and I have friends who actually treat me as a friend. Big difference.

We did manage a gift exchange with D24 the night before my mom left. She seems to be doing ok. We will see. She still lives with the boyfriend (they have separate rooms) and two other people. I hope she can find some inner strength to get healthy. H and I will be meeting to discuss a unified approach to how we deal with this...and her. We should.

[Pax_luv]

Wowza! What a holiday you had! I'm so glad you were able to spent qt with your mother... As well as friends and family. I'm so sorry your D is going through this traumatic endeavor. I hope she'll be ok.

More interesting peek outs from h! Keep being you....!

[Rouky]

Ciluzen I'm really sorry to hear about your D but you know too well that we can't help our kids as it's their journey. It looks like you had a good Xmas, and I'm so pleased for you.

[ciluzen]

Pax, yes more interesting peek outs. XH has a lot to work through. I think he is trying though. Reports are that he is throwing himself into work and interestingly enough, he has decided to actually start taking some more classes in a specialty area that is of interest. For years he treated the continuing ed as a horrible inconvenience, but now he is using it to further an interest! He once told me years ago that he felt lost, as he had no more goals...he had the education, career, family, and house. But nothing to work toward in the future. I think this fueled his ensuing depression. Just the other day (brew-fest), he mentioned while telling me (sheepishly) of a great achievement at work, that he was too old to be learning new things. I laughed and said, "please don't say that! I'm trying to get into a program to START a career...and I'm only three years younger than you!" He stared at me like it had just struck him that I was actually doing this! I'm glad that he is actually going to study groups and lectures. He's also attending with his two assistants that I'm friends with.

I did offer him the airbed via text. He called after work (I've noticed he no longer texts a "may I call" message first as he had been). He told me he had gotten off the phone with D26 and didn't feel he needed it, but was very appreciative of the offer. Not sure if D26 is still going up, but I'm not going to pursue that. He is very warm in voicing his thank yous to me lately. I think my being kind is kind of throwing him for a loop. I understand that me being angry is expected both due to my past behavior, his past behavior, and the fact that he D'd me. But I still care for him. My 180 is to give up my attempts to control of HIS choices...set him free to figure himself out. I did wish him a very happy New Year, and told him to have a good time as I knew he'd have a house full. He got very quiet and then said sadly, "I don't know. I'll try." I was light and told him, "Oh you will. It'll be fun!"

So fun events since right before my mom left...my older brother apparently collapsed at a store on the 23rd and nobody knew he was in a hospital ICU until my nephew filed a missing persons report when he didn't show up at Christmas dinner at his mother's (he's my half brother...12 years older). He was located on the 26th, heavily sedated after surgery for a blood clot, which was when my nephew called to tell me and my mother. My siblings are all half-siblings and 10, 11, and 12 years older than I. We are not close at all. But it was difficult to watch my mom receive this news before she headed home. She is already dealing with the hit that my older sister is in stage 4 breast cancer. My other sister, due to mental issues, has cut herself off completely from everyone. Her daughter is our only way of knowing how she is. I think my mom, who has lost many of her best friends in the last few years, is really fighting to keep a positive outlook. She has said that she has taken a cue from me and tries to find new social groups (she plays bridge) and reach out to more people that she has things in common with at her volunteer jobs. I know she is somewhat depressed, and these latest circumstances with my siblings are weighing heavily on her.

It seems that a lot is going on around me, but I guess I just am feeling like it affects me more on a shallow level? I am realizing I care and want to be there for those who I see need comfort, but I feel each thing is not something I have any control over so...I am not devastated by it? Does that make sense?

So, as you stated, Rouky...yes, my daughter and everyone else is on their own journey. They all are. I can helicopter around and get in the way in the name of "helping", or I can just let them know I am there when they need to talk, vent, or actually ask for help. I check in with people I love. With XH, I just let him know that its ok for him to call. I think he might be getting that. I'm learning that just listening and validating are the most helpful things to those in crisis. Listening because they need to talk and validating the positive thoughts and actions they come up with because they are guideposts for them to find their own path, while being reassured that someone still hears them and that their actions or thoughts are "ok". With my D24, she s going to have to feel the pain of some of those paths she takes, but also the pleasure of some of the others. How else is she going to know what is right for her? How else is she going to realize her own strength and trust that the most reliable person in her life is, or should be, her? Same with H. Same with me.

[Esame]

Ciluzen I'm sorry about your daughter's issues. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you to not turn up the hospital. I hope she is doing better.

Reading about your conversations with you mum reminded me of my chats with MIL over Christmas. On several occasions I had to remind her that H wants his D, and nothing we can do can change his mind now.

I wish you and your family a happy new year xxx

[HaWho]

Ciluzen - Just want you to know that I have your daughter in my thoughts. And as a mom, I am feeling it for you. With time I am hoping she successfully will navigate those waters. She have been a great example of strength!

I wish you the best in 2017.

[Lifes Twists]

Ciluzen,

It is amazing how when the focus on the divorce is removed that some finally start to work their way slowly out of the tunnel. Don't be surprised or hurt if there are periods of him pulling back and going quiet. All you can do is be patient and keep moving forward with your own life. You are doing great. Always remember that this is a marathon. It can take a long time for them to work their way out. It can't be rushed. You can see from others postings here when rushing has just sent things back to ground zero. Happy New Year!

[ciluzen]

Thank you, LT, HaWho, Esame and Sotto (I missed your post, somehow!) for stopping by to visit and offer your support. As I said, D24 is on her own path. I can only really touch base with her and let her know I love her and believe in her, but she needs to do the work to get healthy. I'm here for support and I think she knows that when she needs help, I will help her.

My brother is still in ICU, but is showing some signs of improvement. I am in communication with my nephew and my mom is also keeping me updated.

On the H front, I haven't heard from him since I told him to have fun on New Years. I had to send him a form to have him transfer a portion of an account as per our D agreement. He hadn't done it and I understood with all of what he's been going through with family, holidays, etc. that it wasn't a priority to him, and I was trying to be nice. I was worried about his reaction (how will he view that? Am I being insensitive? Will it make him angry at me?), then I realized...our D was final in October. His mom went missing after Thanksgiving. Its January. He's had time to ski each weekend and spend a weekend with a house full of families. I need to get better at this "living my life for me" thing. I 99% don't care about his reaction...it is part of our agreement and should have been done immediately. I sent the form, my part filled out, yesterday.

So, along those lines, I have a question for those who have adult children (or who were adults when their own parents split). As I've said, my D24 is struggling with a lot right now. But my D26 is actually the one that is really starting to cause me pain. She is showing a lot of anger (below the surface, though) in her interactions with me. I've said before, when her dad left I leaned heavily on her because I really had no one. She had to deal with "her rock" becoming a sobbing blob of goo for a bit. She confronted me, told me I shouldn't do that to her, created some boundaries and little by little I pulled up my big girl panties and stopped. Heres the problem now, though. She sees how XH and I interact together, (we were fine at Christmas)and I am fine when she brings him up. But she keeps not telling me when they get together and then lets it "slip" at a later time, with a "I told you that, didn't I" when she actually went to great lengths to cover it up or lie about it. She will also start to talk about him, then when I say "yes, he told me about that" and start to tell her what he said, she bristles and tells me he talks to her a lot and that she's insisted that he not keep things from her, and acts angry...at me. She seems to be very possessive of how he shares his feelings and troubles with her...as if shes angry that he is burdening her but angry at me for not being the one he's talking to, but then angry at me when I tell her that he does speak with me. She has begun to be very condescending toward me and talks about how she and her husband communicate so well. As if to make a point. I want to shake her and say, "but we were just the same for YEARS!" I literally got of the phone with her last night wanting to tell her to just go F herself (not something you say to anyone, much less your own daughter). I know she feels shes in a tough position; she's a fixer like both her dad and I, but this is getting very hard to deal with. Any thoughts?