M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I have debated in my mind all day as to whether I should journal and share today… I have much emotion and feelings flowing, and truth be told, I am not in a place of control where I want to understand it, nor tussle with it further…
But as I sit here preparing to go to sleep, (sleep is much needed as I find myself up till late hours engaged in thought provoking research and reading,) I know I need to dump some of what rattles in the chambers of my head.
First, I want to address my dear Phoebe…My dear Phoebe…return to the MR thought of the day and look to the Buddha…the thoughts to clarify “an enemy”, and our thoughts, are in the comments and pondering… Once you have returned, we can then continue the conversation over tea. It is such good news to hear you are in a good place. There is more to experience and enjoy… look to the Buddha.
My dear Sara, What is it of my journey that may help you? I would be honored to share anything that may benefit…
I have tried to focus on my internal journey, as there, is where I will create my awakening; connect the dots that are my thoughts, my words and my actions.
Now, much of the daily details of the journey are made up of meaningless routine, discouraging encounters with my STBX, challenges in overcoming poor habits…and my attempts to re engage fully into life.
I have been reading and learning of the observer mode that our dear friend Vanilla has discussed. This has its benefits in managing myself. It also has its drawbacks in how I observe others. It can be an energy drain as I learn to manage the full potential of it all.
To be honest, I have found it to be draining to focus on the details that do not bring peace, progress and joy in the moments…I have had to pull back from the forums as it saddens me to see many trapped in a pattern of fruitless repetition of depressed thoughts, conversations and patterns of behaviors.
I mean no disrespect in this thought, but I am having the experience of 2 friends now, Both with a wayward spouse… I shared MWD and DBing with each of them… Both read it… One put it into immediate action. The other drags feet. Without all the gory details, I can honestly tell you, that the one actively engaging in DBing, is in a much better place…with self. Both MR appear headed to an end. One in a messy fashion. One in a cordial manner. DBing works if one puts it into practice with the details as they learn in their heads, But more importantly as they put it into practice with belief in their hearts. Seek out James Allen’s explanation of Head belief versus Heart belief. Very sound principle.
On that note, I will provide some updates on my journey… I have in the works some writings of my journey…in a different format than that of spelling out details that really are of little noteworthiness and benefit to anyone that reads them… But until it is written, as I would like to see it, here is where I am in my journey.
I have fallen into routine, and am not proud of this…it is a useless waste of time, and I know this as no one really knows what time we have left. Urgency is a thought that pushes against me…whispers to me to get moving and stop simply existing. Why should I lose time that can never be gained moping around feeling sorry for myself…there is no benefit. The Stockdale paradox is the principle that comes to mind often. I push on.
I may be experiencing a mid life crisis of sorts as I engage in activities…big over the top activities…why do I do this? Perhaps it is to dig into my core and see if I can actually feel…feel something deep…feel alive…feel free…feel free from fear. My IC early in this process told me that maybe I should take meds to help with the depression. He had tried to avoid meds as he said they can dull the potential to feel happy…but as I appeared to sink further into the darkness, he advised to take them. He said, perhaps I had never really felt the high points of happiness and so the meds would not hinder, but they could keep me from the depths…
The meds may have helped calm the storm for me…at least I felt as if I was on solid ground instead of the sinking sensation of the months of hell I was in.
I have since weaned myself off of the meds…there were some early side effects of odd physical sensations and emotional agitation, but as they have cleared my system, I have felt more upbeat, less agitated…and in search of a high feeling of happiness and thrill…
Let me share that I am becoming a true believer in that happiness comes from with in and is a choice…I am learning the art of this now as we speak. But the rush of feeling alive is that which I hunt…and may have found with my recent activity. Those that have been with me know I have struck out and tried a number of thrill seeking activities over this past year…
Today is my 20th anniversary…a bittersweet day it has been. I inadvertently, or possibly subconsciously scheduled several things this past weekend to stay busy so as not to focus on the date.
A wise friend has told me several times, “A date is only a day that we put expectations on…it will be as good or as bad as I allow it.” I was choosing to allow it be a great day!
I chose an activity that I have wanted to do since I was young…voices in my life and in my wife told me it was dangerous and encouraged against it…I believed the hype and shied away in fear…
I jumped from an airplane Saturday morning. There was never a moment of fear nor anxiety leading up to doing this from the moment I committed and set out to it. I learned a lesson that has moved from Head Belief to Heart belief… Fear is not real… Preparation for the jump was step by step. No thoughts of anything except the next step in the process. Put your foot on the edge… Grab the harness… Tilt your head back… Slide your foot over the edge… Jump…
For a second, my body screams in sheer terror…What have you done? It shudders as I fall…The body has never let out such a desperate sensation in all of my life…
Then in the next second my mind focuses on the next step… Tilt your head forward… Bend your legs backwards… Let go of the harness and spread your arms out like wings… My mind then says to my body… “Be still…be calm…You are flying…and it is the most freeing thing you can do right now. Embrace the moment!”
The body then reverses the terror signals that is sent through and replaces it with a physical high that I cannot explain.
This was the conscious understanding of the separation of emotions and feelings…My head belief transformed to that of Heart belief.
Fear is not real! Happiness is a choice! Anger is a reaction to fear, yet if harnessed much good can be had. Sadness is okay! Shedding of tears can benefit. Moping and whining is a reaction to sadness, and has little value. Action is imperative to all that we want and desire to achieve. The emotions come of the bodies intent to protect… Actions are from conscious thought…or poor habits…we choose. What we choose can benefit…or be of detriment.
Today, I awoke same as any day, except I did not go for my morning run. I stayed up late reveling in the fun and joy of the weekend I spent with my daughters. When I awoke, I was a bit agitated…I observed this, and focused to not be snappy with my sweet angels. As I drove D6 to her mothers for drop off, sadness rolled in…I fought it at first… poor emotional habit…I then acknowledged it…it rolled more…I spoke with D6 to distract myself…still flowing in. I feel angry…I will not let sadness rule my day as all that I did was to choose that this day is good. I drop of D6…the scowl on STBX face is…is…is the same as every other day. I drive off…reach out to my brother and friend to see how they are doing…I arrive at work and engage in my daily routine… The sadness passes and here I sit and journal…
I feel lonely. I feel sad. My heart breaks to see the behavior of WAW continue down its path…and spills onto my daughters. I have moments of red anger…
But… I pause… I choose… I engage with friends that share compassion and the straight honest truth… I take action…
I push forward as life has so much to offer and I choose to seek out that which I may find peace, growth and TRUE love.
Good night my tribe and dear friends. You have provided much for me in this journey. I pray that I have been able to share something in return to others in this.
Remember… You only lose that which you cling to.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I'm still following you, friend. I can tell that you are facing challenges every day and choosing to be positive. And I can tell it's not always easy. I think one day you will wake up and it will be easy for you. I appreciate you are very proactive about trying to be positive and applying what you've read to your life. Thanks also for always supporting me.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I'm still following you, friend. I can tell that you are facing challenges every day and choosing to be positive. And I can tell it's not always easy. I think one day you will wake up and it will be easy for you. I appreciate you are very proactive about trying to be positive and applying what you've read to your life. Thanks also for always supporting me.
Thank you my friend.
I do not pray that it will be easy...I pray for the strength to push through it. A very important lesson that I have learned in this, is that through resistance, struggle and challenge...there is growth, wisdom and beauty.
I have asked myself much of late, "Where did the belief that if I do certain things, life would be easy and perfect...history shows this to be a false belief...all great things that are good came from struggle and a place of pain...then why should I not endure the same flames in order to be that which I can become.
I thank you for your sentiments qt...they come from a good place in your heart, i do know... For now, my prayer and goal is to continue to grow in strength and courage... I have people depending on me... People that believe in me... People that love me...
I shall not let them down... I shall not let myself down.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I wish I have more to offer you in terms of comfort.
My dear jksd, thank you. Please do not feel that comfort is needed for me. I am embracing it and i will grow and be strengthened by it all.
I would prefer the friendly and fun banter of the days not so far in the past for us... The pole dancing and visions of Tarzan and Jane... The stuff of smiles and joy...
You are a wonderful lady and I will be eternally grateful that our paths have merged in this life...no matter the circumtances...
Your friendship means much to me.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Now that we're on the topic of pole-dancing, I will like you to know that your recent skydiving experience has motivated me to lose my fear of inverted poses on the pole.
Because, what is pole dancing compared to skydiving?
So now, I have finally mastered my handstand. Just today.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
And here I thought I was a dare devil taking a ride ona motorcycle. Here SH is skydiving and Dory is pole dnacing upside down, I am such a nerd, lol!
SH, I am going to put in my two cents. I think you may becoming a bit too cerebral, meditating to the point of naval gazing. I have trouble following your thoughts as they tend to become very poetic and somewhat esoteric. You may need more time outside your head, so you can live in the now, mindfulness, ya know?
In psychology we call this defense mechanism intellectualizing, dissecting the problem until all affect is removed and you feel in control of the problem. It's a mature defense mechanism but still a defense. While I am a big fan of researching and reading I do find sometimes you have to blaze your own trail, use what works and throw out the rest. After all, these are other's ideas and thoughts and not necessarily a hard science. Again, no offense meant, I just want to "hear" your voice again and I feel like you are drifting away.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I see you popping up on others threads, but not here. How are you doing? What are you doing?
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
