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Originally Posted By: Painter
Hi Jim,

I saw your reply - it was sort of moot since you have decided to give it some time.

It sounds like a very confusing time for you. I can see you have a lot of different moving parts to relate to, legally, practically and emotionally. Are you seeing an IC for yourself? I think it would be good for you to talk to someone and map out your options.


I have been seeing an IC. The same one who did MC for STBX and I. She has asked me to call anytime I need to talk and have multiple times. I told her I was going to take some time before the move and she understood that I would do it for the boys well being long term. Yes, still confused since there are many moving parts. The M is done, the question is how do I make it more positive without STBX wanting to still control me. How do I get STBX to respect me? I know how, it is just emotionally upsetting. If I move maybe (and that is a big maybe) it would be better.


Originally Posted By: Painter

I get your urge to go to court and be honest about how you feel about your M. I'm a little surprised that for the insane amounts of money you are paying the L, you're not getting better information and preparation for the process. Did the L not tell you that you and WW needed to be there for this? I'm sure you're getting charged for the L's time, right?


Yes, I am getting charged for L's time. Not all of it though as she is a friend, but still pricey.
I guess the way L and I saw it was that since STBX did not want to come down, STBX and her L wanted to push for my L and I to go and finalize things. STBX is the plaintiff and wants this D so she should be the one to close the case on record. I agreed with what my L said. My L tends to bring fear into the equation saying STBX will take advantage of me if I move to Canada and since the laws are different she cannot advise. So I do my own research.

Might be time to get a consultation with a Canadian L.

IDK, I could bring a whole new twist to this and say this is fixable to the judge and say my peace. I don't think that would change STBX's mind, but it would definitely not make her look good in the courts eyes.

Have to analyze and do some more research on custody in Canada. One day at a time.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Struggling today. Woke up in a sad mood. Exchanging the boys.

STBX texts me to let me know cell phone bill is ready. I thanked her and asked her to bring all checkbooks from joint account and to bring a check for S6's subsidy money for the month of October.

She asked status of Hyundai repairs. I stated again if she was concerned to call dealership as I have not heard a date. Then she asked about furniture and I stated I would review the list by this weekend.

So she write the following back about all this stuff.

STBX: OK just asking if you'd heard back about the car. Yes please review the list and get back to me this weekend the. I don't see any reason to discuss tonight or tomorrow about anything. The plan was to always save the boys subsidy for their future. You have control over that money. You will do what you want with it regardless of my input or feelings. You certainly didn't ask my opinion about using the $50K + we had already saved for them. I will see you at 1pm today as planned.

Now I get her perspective. I texted the following back.

STBX, I understand your position of saving money. Since we are going to be divorced, this changes the strategy and I feel that contribution needs to come from both of us.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Jan 2016
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JK- checking back in with you and sorry your sad but its probably about the exchange

This divorce stuff is all consuming and your situation is the most complex I have encountered on this site while I have been on

Question- what are you doing for yourself in all of this mess if there is time in the day/week for that?

Eventually you need to get to a place to start working back towards the sunlight. It is slowly happening for me but I don't have the complexity you do ....


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
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Well found out from the boys that they met new OM when I dropped them off on Friday night. I guess it was his motorcycle on the street. He was there when I even walked in the house a bit not sure where. He is a police officer. FML.

I do not even know what to say or do anymore.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 410
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Reality bites JK

It's the known which was the unknown before....I haven't seen in person the OM I have suspected but pictures and such which is enough for me. And the denial continues...

But I don't think that changes a thing except that you continue to protect your kids, yourself and do what you need to do in order to get through this...

I would also make sure that she is doing her parenting job and spending time with them when she has them and not having babysitters all the time. Not sure how you monitor that but bring it up to ensure you are "watching" & it would be an issue.


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Your WW has an OM and is determined to D.

You have 5 sons all small.

You are the stable parent and are considering destabilising to the whims of a wayward who no longer wants to be with you.

You know this and truly don't know this.


Jim, you are one truly wonderful father and man.

Please hold this thought to your heart with your boys.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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So I bought the LRT training videos. I also spoke to DB coach this week.

Friday I call STBX and tell her that I am moving to Toronto after the D. She doesn't believe me and so the following texts occur later that evening.

This just solidifies in writing that she clearly is a person with huge entitlement issues and is bat$hit crazy.

I never want to be with this person again. So toxic. She admitted she puts herself first over the boys.

When I told STBX I am moving it was a huge weight off my shoulders. Not for her, but for me and the boys. I feel like I am in limbo and will save more money financially by moving up there since S4 will be going to school for free. I will live in a little place and continue to focus on my and the boys. I have dropped the rope with her. I now want this D as bad as she does.

Here are the messages:


Me: I called L and left her a voicemail. I will send an email also when I get in the office.

Me: Ok sent L an email. Will keep you posted on my transfer and how things play out with that.

STBX: Ok. Can you copy me and my L on the email?

STBX: When is the lease up on your apartment?

Me: L is out of the office. She will not be back until Monday. I will forward the email after I discuss with her if the change can be made.

Me: End of November.

STBX: Ah so now it's IF the change of custody can be made. See it's never a definite

STBX: You say one thing one minute then another the next

STBX: Whatever, as I said I'll believe it when I see it...

Me: You stated you weren't sure of it could be made before the 21st. I agree that it is in question whether we can change it.

Me: Maybe it will have to be after I dont know.

STBX: Well either way it can be changed before or after

STBX: But it can be changed

Me: Yes agree

STBX: Ok

Me: Enjoy ur day and have a good weekend.

Me: Also want to let you know that I did start my transfer over to Toronto and I will send you evidence as I get emails for it so that you believe me

STBX: That's all fine and good but you actually need court approval to accept a transfer and move the kids

STBX: Didn't your L tell you that?

STBX: We can ask the court on the 21st so you better get your ducks in a row before then

STBX: And no, under the circumstances I don't think it's appropriate I attend the baptism. Besides I have a prior engagement anyway.

Me: Ok I will try and get documentation from work.

Me: You taking the kids that weekend also since it is your parenting time?

Me: No need tell me about your personal life. Not interested anymore.

Me: My focus is on the boys.

STBX: It's not actually my parenting time

Me: Yes. Every other weekend.

STBX: I was going on ask if I could take the kids on the 21st since I'll be down there for court and bring them back to TO for the weekend

STBX: Meet you halfway in London on Sunday

Me: No I have things going on also.

STBX: It's not every other weekend. All it stated was 2 weekends a month

STBX: Ah well I guess it won't work

STBX: Ok

Me: Ok 2 weekends a month. We need to agree to a schedule if u cannot then it wont work.

Me: I am not here to schedule around your social life.

STBX: And for the record if we were following an every other weekend rule then the 21st would've been the weekend anyway not the 30. Plus you said you were taking them trick or treating

Me: Yes ur more than welcome to join in trick or treating if u choose.

STBX: No I already have plans that weekend

Me: Do u even really want the kids?

Me: Or am I moving there for nothing.

STBX: Ha! That's rich

STBX: I just fought for them

STBX: No you're moving here to try and control me again through the kids

STBX: You're moving here because you're getting transferred

STBX: All of a sudden you have this epiphany that I should have the kids? I don't buy that for a second

STBX: Of course I want my children

Me: I chose the transfer because the boys do not deserve to be trekked back and forth. As far as you and I are concerned I am not looking to control you.

STBX: But you made it so that I never see them

Me: There is no controlling you. That is clear.

Me: Yes Jen I made it that way. I get that is how you feel.

STBX: Again you make these huge decisions without consulting anyone

STBX: We haven't even discussed a change of custody agreement or anything but now you're moving and just dropping them off to me without giving me any notice of time to prep or anything

Me: Yes I make decisions without consulting.

Me: As stated we can work in the transition.

STBX: When are you supposed to transfer?
By Nov 1st?
Before the end of the year?
What is your move date?
Not that you should even have one because this move hasn't been court approved but anyway

Me: I have no idea. It is a process. I have immigration papers to fill out and work with a relocation firm

STBX: So it can be anytime

Me: Well I will advise the court.

STBX: Ok well the house won't be ready till Feb so maybe we should aim for then

STBX: Also I am asking for 2900 a month in child support

Me: We can discuss when I know more when I have more info.

STBX: Seems there's lots to discuss

Me: Good luck. It will be whatever the formula calculates it to be

STBX: Well then good luck because I won't be abo to support the kids on anything less

Me: You can ask all you want. I have done the calculations a million ways

Me: Thats on you

STBX: No actually it's not
You have physical custody of the kids

Me: Goodnight. Not talking about this anymore.

Me: It is joint physical and legal.

STBX: Nothing to talk about it seems. It's all talk with you. When it comes right down to it, you'll never do the right thing for these kids

Me: You have 100k paid back to ur parents they can help to.

Me: I will pay what I owe.

STBX: For you infer that my parents should support our kids is ridiculous

STBX: I don't have to accept any changes then
You can stay there or move here and support the kids as you have

Me: So dont. S4 can still go for free and i will pay less in daycare

STBX: Ok then maybe that's best
Run the numbers
What can I say? I ran the numbers for me and that's what I would need to support the kids here

Me: Wow cant wait to put these texts in front of the judge

STBX: Ok well I'm the only one being fiscally pragmatic

Me: ZTBX u want this divorce so here are the consequences. You need to figure out how to pay for things.

Me: Yes u are fiscally pragmatic. Agree.

Me: With my money that by any law canadian or michigan there will be a limit.

STBX: I have figured it out thanks

STBX: You can agree to pay more than what is calculated

Me: I choose not to. Sorry paying the legal requirement only. Welcome to life.

STBX: I'm not trying to gouge you. I waived alimony. But if I have to clothe and feed and support these kids then that's the amount

Me: After divorce.

STBX: Ok well that's fine then we don't even bother making any changes

Me: Well guess what you would not get that much alimony either.

STBX: Well I still waived it. I always said I would
This is about the boys

Me: Fine. I will keep them in my custody then and at least we can kill the daycare for Jacob and all I need is daycare for Evan.

Me: Yep. Just took my 45K. Worth it for me.
Prepaid alimony.

STBX: Anyway sleep on it. Run the numbers for here in Canada vs. US. Maybe it is cheaper since Jacob would be in school for free. Maybe you can find a proper nanny or au pair like you wanted

Me: I sure will. And I have. Thanks. I have managed this long.

STBX: I get that you're angry and don't want to pay me child support. Or "do me any favors" as you put it

STBX: Ok well as I said think on it and see how it works out

Me: I am not angry. I am done and have moved on STBX.

STBX: Ok

Me: I provide for the boys like you said. If I choose to give more that is my choice.

Me: I have to establish myself again also. Hope you understand that.

Me: No matter how the custody arrangement is.

STBX: Not sure what that means exactly...establish yourself...

Me: Well sleep on it. If you still don't understand I will try and communicate more clearly tomorrow.

STBX: Not really sure what you're getting at with this but ok


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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I pray for your sons with all of my heart.

I hope you can both come out of the fog...reading the text exchange is very painful to do.

JK...
I hope you can step back and see your role in this...
You are reacting on emotions...
MWD has shared what is needed to control these...
There is no winner when emotions control what is said, done and acted upon.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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SH,

This is no longer on emotions. I will save money financially by moving there and the upside is the boys do not have to travel. I will have my job and will be fine. S4 will go to pre-K for free and in 2 years S2 will go for free. I am not going to change the custody arrangement at all. It will be status quo and let her be bitter and emotional.

I just want to get out of limbo and live my life. I can't wait for this D to happen.

One thing I did hear during the LRT videos is that one man stated that LRT may not have saved his M but it did save his sanity. I feel that is what it has done with me.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Posts: 18,666
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So you are not going to wait a year before moving up there?

You recently told a poster that you made the decision to not move (the first time) b/c it was cheaper to live in Michagan. Now, it's cheaper to live in Canada. confused

Why do you think that moving closer to her will get you out of this limbo?

Have you told the lawyer you wanted to cancel the divorce?

Can you share some of the advice you received from your DB coach? Did s/he think you should move?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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