That's the way it has to be. My W told me that he'd be 'better off without me' before we sold the house. At the same time she was threatening to move 230 miles away and said that 'the kids would get over it' and my S 'he doesn't know what's going on'.
You have to bite your lip and drink a STFU smoothie. Giving you parenting advice is a way of controlling you. Normally, my W will deliver her advice when she leaves, and then forgets all about it the next time she comes.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Quick kite flying exercise that probably means nothing, but my W has gone and got our old cat back! Yes, after 11 months, she has gone and rescued our old cat back from our old house! Maybe she wants to reconnect with the cat! W didn't tell me, but my SD did last night. Bizarre.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Quick update from me. I kinda treat this place like my blog right now - hope nobody minds!
Most people on here don't meet each other, but I'm glad to say that me and fellow forum member 'NDY' had a meet up and drinking session on Friday. It was good to catch up and discuss things face to face. Obviously there are things we can say off forum that I certainly wouldn't put on here. Needless to say, beer was involved!
W brought the kids over today. I've now got a healthy beard, which I know she finds really attractive, but she couldn't look at me, not once. I know she saw the beard when I was walking up from the station, but she bowed her head when she was talking to me, and even now, picking them up, she just couldn't establish eye contact with me. W was also unnaturally quiet, so much so, that she nipped in to the toilet whilst I was getting the kids ready to go, and then just left without saying anything to me. She couldn't even look at me when the kids were waving furiously from the car park.
Whilst I understand the guilt part, I don't understand why that communicates in to not being able to look.
Anyway, off to bath for a good soak. It's getting nippy here, so I've finally had to succumb to putting the central heating on. Not bad for up here, nearly then end of October is quite a feat!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Me and NDY were discussing the signs of MLC. We're both convinced that neither of our W's is showing the signs that others see. For me, I don't see any form of regret, frustration, despair or depression. All I see, and have seen is anger, although there was some depression at the start.
Instead, my W keeps telling my D that we can 'never live in the same house' (my D hid in my flat and did a drawing to give to W about wishing we all lived together and then hid it in her going home bag, so she could 'give it to Mummy') and has booked a holiday for herself and the kids next year.
Even now, when she picked up the kids, who were telling me how much they love me and miss me, she just skirts over the issue and walks away. In fact, she bundled them in the car and drove away at speed so they couldn't wave to me (it's dark here, so they normally stand beside the car park lights to wave).
Coupled with last weeks 'Daddy doesn't care about us anymore' line (I guess you know that's the farthest point away from the truth!), I'm just hoping that this is button pushing, rather than her deepest feelings.
I know a lot of this is guilt on her part, but I don't know how much more of this constant barrage on my senses I can take. I'm wrestling with cutting my losses, even though I don't want to. I have had a couple of days of anxiety dreams again (why do these bloody things pop up every few months!) and my sleep is erratic. I keep telling myself that I have done all the work to correct the list of things she said about me when she left (some is vanity for her, but I guess we all have flaws we don't notice)and I can't do anything else.
Just can't get rid of the pain in my heart. I have, as far as I can see 'let her go' and she's doing her own thing. I don't interfere in her life, call, visit or anything. I can see things that will crop up for her, financially, in the coming few months which I don't think she's thought about, but I'm just going to let her handle it. I don't see any warmth or feelings, it's hell.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy, you know what I'm going to say don't you...
Instead, my W keeps telling my D that we can 'never live in the same house' (my D hid in my flat and did a drawing to give to W about wishing we all lived together and then hid it in her going home bag, so she could 'give it to Mummy') and has booked a holiday for herself and the kids next year.
Even now, when she picked up the kids, who were telling me how much they love me and miss me, she justskirts over the issue and walks away. In fact, she bundled them in the car and drove away at speed so they couldn't wave to me (it's dark here, so they normally stand beside the car park lights to wave).
Coupled with last weeks 'Daddy doesn't care about us anymore' line (I guess you know that's the farthest point away from the truth!), I'm just hoping that this is button pushing, rather than her deepest feelings.
I know a lot of this is guilt on her part, but I don't know how much more of this constant barrage on my senses I can take. I'm wrestling with cutting my losses, even though I don't want to. I have had a couple of days of anxiety dreams again (why do these bloody things pop up every few months!) and my sleep is erratic. I keep telling myself that I have done all the work to correct the list of things she said about me when she left (some is vanity for her, but I guess we all have flaws we don't notice)and I can't do anything else.
Just can't get rid of the pain in my heart. I have, as far as I can see 'let her go' and she's doing her own thing. I don't interfere in her life, call, visit or anything. I can see things that will crop up for her, financially, in the coming few months which I don't think she's thought about, but I'm just going to let her handle it. I don't see any warmth or feelings, it's hell.
Huddy, do you think you have let her go, reading your post above. Are you lovingly respecting her wish not to be together and getting on with your own life without her? Are you letting her behaviour dictate your moods.
Truly, I think you are in a cheeseless tunnel here with all the thinking of.....I've done all of this....why doesn't she do all of that - it hurts.
Of course it hurts, and you only get to choose the first part, not the second. And the stuff you do, needs to be for you alone.
I just don't think you've got it yet....truly...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Apologies, have missed A LOT!!!!! Just skimmed the intro and last few posts. Surprised you are here. She must've been one hell of a woman.
I cant advise you at all sorry mate. Only wish you all the best.
You know (probably) only 1 in a thousand people here end up R their M. Overall (probably) 99% of BD scenarios end up in D.
One reason is that 99.9% of BD recipients dont even get here. They simply go with well meaning advice to move on, blah, blah, blah. And thats what they eventually do. Do they grow as much as DB "forces"? No. But there must be some growth anyway right. ( actually I'm just reminded of a sitch where he is on M #3 and no growth at all - so not always. )
My life is pretty dismal so I shouldn't really preach, but MLC or not, occupation by alien zombies or not, she is not the same person you are waiting for to come back. If she does, and you are free, open to it, then great.
Otherwise chalk it up as great while it lasted, right at the time, whatever. It [censored] that we even have to force this, but we can and we do. Don't let Huddy go to waste. Make Huddy your first priority. I know you will say that you are, but you are still contemplating and posting what your W, ex, is doing etc. which suggests that you are actually not. I'm not free of this my self so I am not criticising demeaningly.
There are (very broadly speaking) two futures. 1 - where your W comes to the party. 2 She doesn't. The odds are on 2 my friend. Heavily. Very heavily. Sure - you can do what you can to increase those odds in your favour - but at what cost?!?!? Rokmantically I love the notion of soul mates and one true love, but realistically I think that is BS. And that is not a negative thing. I honestly believe that the vast majority of people in the world are good. Its no surprise at all then that there are more than one out their for us AND ..... AND ..... in itself this is crap. So what are we doing - "we will be happy when...." This is BS. Be happy now. How is another question.
In my sitch, the reality is that she doesn't make sense, she probably never did, and their is a definite probability that she never will. Even if one day she "sees the light", the water under the bridge excludes any R. IF, if one day she "sees the light", then the W i thought I M'd would be too ashamed to R. (In my case that wont happen because of her mental condition (another years worth of [censored] that Ive had).
The future options above, - if this is going to happen, ever, it will be NEW, after the old R is buried. So you have no choice really - 1. it will never happen, and 2 - it wont happen while you are waiting by the phone.
Dude, I know how hard it is with kids in the middle, but take a break. From DB even. Still thinking of you.
Pyrite
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Everyone that comes here have the odds stacked against them. Otherwise we would not need to be here. But being here improves those odds. We stop doing what pushes them away and do what could attract them back. Plus we have a support and advice network to get us through the harder moments.
Being here helps, but it is our actions that make the biggest difference. Some people do everything right and fail to save their M. Right now I think the best thing you could do is to let go completely. That does not mean shut yourself off from reconciling but living as if it won't happen.
Since we have been here, every single turnaround had that detail. Look at poohbear's thread for another example
I would like the vets opinion on the stats above.
I know a M saving program where the guy states that if you continue to do the right things that eventually it is inevitable that you get t9 reconcile.MMaybe he is right but I doubt most people keep standing the years it may require. It is up to you if you wait, but how you wait is most important.Embrace life. Live.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Some people do everything right and fail to save their M.
Roist, there is another on the end of this rope we can choose to hold and sometimes (like mine) they have thrown it away, burnt it, and denied there ever was a rope. People talk about a post BD script, and I absolutely agree that the BD perpetrators routinely invoke this script like defence. Really it is nothing more than a typical defence and not so remarkable at all. As time goes on this becomes ingrained, MLC or not. In my case ex is as happy as a pig in [censored]. There were no consequences to D, she's living with A partner, and I get to pay her share of rent and bills.
IDK what the stats might be, but I do know that at best 1 partner can only ever have 50% at most say in the direction a R is going to take. So even even if "we" are 100% committed forever - the balance will never be tipped unless THEY come to the party. Given that there is likely so much animosity post BD, and the fact that there was a BD in the first place suggests that this is very unlikely.
I deeply value the support and advice I have received on the DB forums, and I truly believe that this "experience" is an opportunity (and even possibly a great an unparalleled opportunity) for personal growth, but one reason I am not here much anymore is that I can not reconcile that with giving people hope that this is a situation they can change. As you even suggested - it is the hope that you can change this M-BD-D situation that locks you in and prevents you from moving forward. At best (not me), "Be open to R, not waiting for it" - but there is a very fine line here and most people WILL fool themselves that they are indeed not waiting just so they can hold onto that hope.
It's just like that - "i'll be happy when .....__________". That's crap. Like the cheesy cliche - Happiness is not a destination!
-Py
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
You envoke many good points and surely valid ones. Without judgement I hear bitterness in your posts. I am sorry your W treated you that way and she appears to have a better deal than you.OOnly time will tell which of you fares out the best. I wish you luck.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Good to see you! Sorry to see that your W has taken you to the cleaners in addition to everything else. Hope your kids are OK and that you're OK in OZ.
Yes, she is my one, so she is special. Yep, I'm still here, but I think I will be taking a break. I don't think my commenting is helping anybody and may be detrimental to newbies seeking a sense of hope.
I'll still be reading some threads and I keep in contact with NDY (hey, we only live 45 miles apart) but for now, I'm just weighing up my future plans.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
