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qt4x11 #2707640 10/01/16 03:07 PM
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Sorry today had been a bit of a tough one for you. The early days truly are the worst, and occasionally we all might have a down day, we're human after all and this is our spouse, our family and our m being torn to pieces.

As awful as it is to go through this process, it's unbelievable how much of a script they follow. As hard as it is, try not to focus too much on her right now. She will be all over the place, and there will be mood swings galore. Please keep in mind, this probably has absolutely nothing to do with you, it's just her mind is all over and they have no spew filter. The best thing is to focus on you and find your place of calm, then her actions and moods won't affect you quite as much. Then you can stay steady, and validate her spew.

Hang in there, I promise the pain does begin to ease slightly. I'm glad to hear you're focussing in your D. What are you doing for you? What are your personal goals?


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
qt4x11 #2707745 10/02/16 06:47 AM
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I get it man. Right now as hopeless as it feels, I feel that I have to try for the sake of my daughter. My wife and I don't have the finances to maintain our home without each others salary so wed have to sell the house and move. My daughter already suffers from anxiety and I'm afraid that the divorce and move would really send her over the edge. So I have to at least try.

If my wife is hellbent on divorcing, regardless of the consequences, one day she'll have to explain to my daughter why she didn't at least try.

I'll survive and move on. I'm a fighter. My only concern is my little girl.


Me: 46, WAW/WW:44
Kids-D 12y/o
T: 20
M: 15
BD: 9-20-16
msp710 #2707751 10/02/16 07:57 AM
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You've got a good grip on things with focussing on your daughter. My children are my absolute priority, I don't know how I'd make it through the day without my S (and bump).

My wh tried to steer me down a path of how WE would explain why WE decided to D. I told him I would play no part in the murder of the m, I would not help him do it, and I absolutely won't lie to save face for him! It's hard when you are feeling all these emotions but you don't want your child to see, but it is do able, I don't want him to see him mama cry, I also want to be calm and make him feel loved by me. Unfortunately there's not a lot else we can do for them really except keep routines as normal as possible and to show them love. Unfortunately the wayward is unable to consider anyone else's happiness other than their own.

Hope you've had a good weekend so far.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
msp710 #2707758 10/02/16 08:51 AM
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Originally Posted By: msp710
I get it man. Right now as hopeless as it feels, I feel that I have to try for the sake of my daughter. My wife and I don't have the finances to maintain our home without each others salary so wed have to sell the house and move. My daughter already suffers from anxiety and I'm afraid that the divorce and move would really send her over the edge. So I have to at least try.

If my wife is hellbent on divorcing, regardless of the consequences, one day she'll have to explain to my daughter why she didn't at least try.

I'll survive and move on. I'm a fighter. My only concern is my little girl.


Go ahead and try, I did. You have to have a bottom line though, where you realize that R is not going to work. I am really serious there is only a 2% chance, this board is all about building up hope for a R - you will read stuff that if you only 'do a 180' and 'work on yourself for you' or something, maybe some magic will happen where your W has a lobotomy and decides to turn it around. Realize that if you are on this board, most likely you are already f***ed. Go into it that way, decide on what your bottom lines are - and then when you hit that bottom line, turn your attention to protecting your assets and your D's best interests, and then moving on.

I held on for too long, and it caused way too much damage to me personally. It took text messages where my W was calling me a m***f***er straight to my face where I realized that it would be a miracle if I could turn that relationship around. I wish I would have just decided from the first day of separation that I was moving on and not even tried to work on the relationship.

The process of working yourself and becoming a better person, maintaining your self worth and protecting your self esteem, children and financial assets. And the process of 'trying to win your wife back'. They are the EXACT same process.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

qt4x11 #2707766 10/02/16 09:56 AM
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msp710 Offline OP
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I hear you brother. Thankfully we're not at a point where we're cursing and fighting with each other I wouldn't take that either. The problem with my marriage is that we didn't fight enough. We never respectfully disagreed. We both just kept everything inside. Not a healthy relationship.


Me: 46, WAW/WW:44
Kids-D 12y/o
T: 20
M: 15
BD: 9-20-16
msp710 #2707772 10/02/16 11:10 AM
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Quote:
Making the changes to myself that will allow our relationship to thrive. No more holding on to petty or benign annoyances that I allowed to fester. Telling my wife why I love her and why she's still such a special person to me.


Don't make changes just for the MR to thrive. Make the changes for yourself, or they won't stick. I think you need to hold back on telling your W why you love her and why she's still such a special person to you. This is what a man might do if he was dating and falling in love.....maybe wanted her to M him. However, that's not the case in your situation. The woman wants a divorce! She is fed up with you and she's done. In other words, she doesn't want to hear all that stuff about why you love her. The point is that she doesn't feel it for you!

Women consider this type of talk as pursuing, and she won't respond favorable right now. She's likely to tell you it's too little---too late.

Yes, work on changing yourself into a better man. That has to come before changing into a better H. If she thinks you are trying to become super H........she's going to resent you even more. My advice is don't tell her you are working to improve yourself. Just do it. You don't have to announce it.

The other area I will caution you is trying to become super dad. I see a lot of men who completely over-kill by suddenly trying to devour the kid's time & attention and being some kind of Santa Daddy.........and it looks anything but authentic. It looks as if he is trying to win the kid's love, as to spite the W (at least, that's how it appears to the W). For sure, stop nagging her and being a pest!

Your W is not emotionally in the same place as you. You have woke up and are ready to work, but she is done. So, don't be getting all frustrated if she doesn't do cartwheels over your changes. It can actually cause some W's resentment b/c the H waited till she wanted a divorce before he decides to change.

Resentment is like cancer. Over time, it will eat at that person until not much of anything else remains. It is a relationship killer! If your W has carried around the same old resentments for years......then that will kill her loving feelings for you. She has to forgive and let it go.

The other big killer in a MR is disrespect. I suspect you W has has had some level of disrespect toward you for a long time. Maybe she has tried to hide it, or maybe it has shown in her attitude, talk, etc. There are many ways a W shows disrespect for her H. And, here's the thing.......disrespect kills her loving emotions for her H. She can't desire him until she respects him. That's the way women are emotionally wired.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2707777 10/02/16 12:41 PM
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Sandi,

I haven't told her that I love her since she told me she wanted a divorce. I haven't asked her where she is or where she's been. I've acted like a good roommate. I've stayed out of her way and given her space. No badgering or following around. I've been following your 37 rules to a tee.

I realize at this point that there isn't much I can do. She's agreed to go to counseling which is a bit of a surprise considering that week ago she said no way. I can't imagine her mindset going in is going to be "I want to save my marriage". Perhaps she'll have a change of heart. Or not.

I'm doing my best to be a good dad. The rest will follow.


Me: 46, WAW/WW:44
Kids-D 12y/o
T: 20
M: 15
BD: 9-20-16
msp710 #2707970 10/03/16 02:25 PM
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Sounds like you are off to a good start. Your actions and mindset sound pretty good for this happening so recently. Hang in there!


- m and ww in 30s
- s4
- m 11 yrs, t12
-ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM
- bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa
- 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Jug #2707988 10/03/16 04:56 PM
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msp710 Offline OP
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Is it normal, while applying Sandi's 37 rules, for the spouse to turn angry? I've been working on myself, both physically and mentally, while trying to work on my relationship with may daughter. I've been nothing but pleasant towards my wife. Is she pissed off because I'm not crouched up into a ball in the fetal position lying on the floor?

The last few days I've decided that I truly love her and I want this to work out, but I'm not going to be a pushover.


Me: 46, WAW/WW:44
Kids-D 12y/o
T: 20
M: 15
BD: 9-20-16
msp710 #2707992 10/03/16 05:16 PM
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Good job msp710 on your decision to try and work this out. Read DB/DR over and over again. The books will help you in being effective with your choice.

Yes, her agreeing to go to marriage counseling then out-of-nowhere your W's anger toward you, can be normal.

In MLC, 'anger' is one of the early stages the MLC spouse goes thru. It may get worse so buckle your seatbelt! You have my best wishes.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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