CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 10 1 2 8 9 10
Re: Life is kicking my butt [Re: mvgfwd2] #2725455
01/12/17 08:49 PM
01/12/17 08:49 PM
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Q
qt4x11 Offline OP
Member
qt4x11  Offline OP
Member
Q
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Originally Posted By: mvgfwd2
Clearly she has had some advice on how to get as much as she can from you and what to say to the court. They will lie to the court especially when there is no evidence to the contrary. Document everything. Communicate via email and text to get the conversations documented as much as you can.

I would also respond to her custody proposal and add something like the following:

"It unreasonable for you to offer so little overnights, especially after I put them to bed every other night. With that in mind it is only fair, to me and the children, to have 50/50 custody and equal overnights. It is what is normal for them"

This does 2 things. She may contradict herself in a reply in regards to the every other night issue by acknowledging it which you can show the court at the proper time. And it gives credible reason for 50/50 custody.


We sent over our own request for discovery - which is basically equivalent to testifying in court. Questions like - how often did qt put them to sleep? Isn't it true every other night? Did he not take them to school every day? Pick them up and take them to the doctors and activities all the time? Who actually did the housework?

If she answers truthfully the real pictures comes out - I worked my a** off, but I was far from a workaholic guy who comes home puts his feet on the couch and asks his family to serve him. I was involved as a guy working 60 hr a week could be, in addition to paying all the bills. She could lie throughout the whole thing, though. Who knows - she's obviously desperate. She's driving Uber part time I hear from the kids.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

Re: Life is kicking my butt [Re: qt4x11] #2725685
01/14/17 02:35 PM
01/14/17 02:35 PM
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Q
qt4x11 Offline OP
Member
qt4x11  Offline OP
Member
Q
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Iím still on your first thread but just some observations. I am stuck that youíre freaked out by your sitch and Zeus126 - you of all people - are acting like your typical newbie to this board:

-full of guilt, blaming the divorce entirely on yourself, still in love w your W
-brainwashed into her narrative of itís some disfunction or addiction on your part that caused the entirety of the D
-she is not to blame for anything - Ďsheís a saintí in your words. This is BS. Youíre not perfect, but noone is entirely to blame. And letís remember, she took VOWS. This was til death do us part, not til Ďshe gets tired and not wanting to work things out, and decides to fleece you for CS moneyí.
-other people in the thread just as shellshocked from their own sitch, Ďthankingí each other, spouting off DB platitudes like 180, GAL, etc. Pop culture psychology, ugh.
-Everyone acting like spiritual gurus all of a sudden, as if that will bring their X back. I wonder how many people continue this spiritual path after realizing itís not going to change anything. They should be close to nirvana by now.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

Re: Life is kicking my butt [Re: qt4x11] #2725697
01/14/17 05:14 PM
01/14/17 05:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Q
qt4x11 Offline OP
Member
qt4x11  Offline OP
Member
Q
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Ah I'm on the second thread now and your wife's ... episode. Looks like you realized a lot about her from that situation.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

Re: Life is kicking my butt [Re: qt4x11] #2725750
01/15/17 08:49 AM
01/15/17 08:49 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Zues126 Offline
Member
Zues126  Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Thanks for the feedback qt. Yeah, that was a tough time. That's pretty understated but words can't really describe anyway.

The positive is that was what it took to wake me up from my denial. It's like we want our M to work so badly we feel that it is impossible for the universe to not allow our love to continue. It takes a lot for us to acknowledge that our M is over. For me these events were helpful in coming to grips with that, and realizing that I had to really detach from this person.

I then had to process an awful lot of anger. But also this is the beginning of some difficult logistical questions about managing children through this more permanently. I need to reread these threads, I swear I blocked out a lot of 2015, but my gut tells me my most significant progress was the decreasing number of imaginary conversations I had with XW in which my brain obsessed with things I wished she'd understand, or questions I wish I could ask, etc. Little by little that faded away, and my brain no longer seemed to care. That was a relief.

But, most importantly to you, I must have done some things right, because in the end I got the custody arrangement I wanted and deserved, finalized the D, and have a non-adversarial relationship with XW. My kids are safe and loved. I am hoping you can say the same things when you are a little further down the road.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re: Life is kicking my butt [Re: Zues126] #2725939
01/16/17 06:22 PM
01/16/17 06:22 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
MrBond Offline
Member
MrBond  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
" I wonder how many people continue this spiritual path after realizing itís not going to change anything. They should be close to nirvana by now."

For a newb you sure assume alot of things. People on here use many ways to help cope. Spirituality being one of them. It's very condescending that you put those people down.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Life is kicking my butt [Re: MrBond] #2725980
01/17/17 06:01 AM
01/17/17 06:01 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,928
G
Ginger1 Online
Member
Ginger1  Online
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,928
Originally Posted By: MrBond
" I wonder how many people continue this spiritual path after realizing itís not going to change anything. They should be close to nirvana by now."

For a newb you sure assume alot of things. People on here use many ways to help cope. Spirituality being one of them. It's very condescending that you put those people down.




What Bond said. GAL, 180's, spirituality, aren't platitudes. They are ways of improving yourself, to find what you enjoy, to live a life independent of your spouse which is probably something all of us forgot to do. I coped with GAL. And by GAL, I mean spending time with friends, going to the gym, doing things I enjoy. it kept me from being angry and bitter made me a better mother for my daughter, and a better me for ME.

Your only focus is getting your wife back. And it didn't work, so you are still angry and bitter.

I did not get my spouse back. I watched him marry his AP. I share my daughter with his AP. I could sulk in my bed, me angry and bitter at the unfairness of it all, but instead the higher level of understanding has saved my life. Had made it so that I have not been angry and bitter in the last 9 years. I made a life for myself and my daughter without him.

It's your choice if you want to wallow in the misery and unfairness and only DB to get your wife back. That's why you are sadly disappointed in the process.

Re: Life is kicking my butt [Re: Ginger1] #2725992
01/17/17 07:17 AM
01/17/17 07:17 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,928
G
Ginger1 Online
Member
Ginger1  Online
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,928
Just to add,

I get the stress. I can imagine the custody situation is stressful. But you can get what you are seeking. Zues did, I know many who did. But being bitter and angry and condescending is going to make that path much harder.

There is a lot of change going on in your life, but a lot of it is good change. Do a little focus shifting right now, you'll see it.

Re: Life is kicking my butt [Re: Ginger1] #2726262
01/19/17 02:27 AM
01/19/17 02:27 AM
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Q
qt4x11 Offline OP
Member
qt4x11  Offline OP
Member
Q
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Not sleeping well, I stay up all night worrying about things going on in my life. The divorce situation is very much on my mind, I wonder why my ex wife is literally trying to drain me financially and deprive me of the opportunity to spend time with my own kids. I donít understand how someone could be so cruel, sheís not only hurting me but sheís hurting her own children. What is the motivation? Is she that angry at me that she would cause so much damage and break up the family? This is literally the worst thing thatís ever happened to me, I feel violated after all the lies spread about me, the litigiousness, dragging me to court and wasting my kids college funds on lawyers, throwing me out of my own home that I paid for, and now taking away the kids. What did I even do that was so bad? My friend Lís husband dealt drugs, cheated on her and then blogged about it, and hid a million dollar check from her - and even heís getting treated better than me in divorce, way better.

My daughter had a breakdown today, she wanted to know why, I told her that I was going to see them more often now that Iíve moved five minutes from where they live. I told her - because they wonít let me. I told her that I miss them every day and Iím fighting to see them more often, but right now they wonít let me see my own kids 50% of the time. I told her Iím fighting, and maybe soon I can see the more frequently - but maybe I will lose and I wonít be able to see them as often. This made her cry even more. I told her if that happens and I lose - remember itís not because I donít love you because I love you more than anything in the world and it breaks my heart more than I can say. Itís because they wonít let me. What kind of world is this where they can drag a man out of his own home based on lies, and take away his right to see his own children? My wife can leave me and that alone is a heartbreak that will never heal - but what sheís doing now, itís horrible. Itís the worst thing a person can do - Iíd put it up there with rape and murder. Yes. People who initiate divorce for no good reason are selfish monsters.

I had a long talk with my daughter and I said, I donít want to get divorced from your mom but she is too angry and wonít listen to me. When I got married it was forever, even if I was unhappy. Because I loved them and I made a promise. What else is there. People say Ďitís better to divorce if youíre not happyí - in that case, why make it ítil death do you partí? Thatís hypocrisy, and itís not right especially if thereís kids involved. If there are kids involved, then you have to try to find a way to make it work. Giving up shouldnít be an option - otherwise donít advertise it as being Ďforeverí. I hate my wife for doing this to our kids, and for giving up on our marriage so she can Ďlive the single lifeí (subsidized by me). Of course she will say that I was a horrible person and I deserved it. She has to make me out to be a horrible person so she doesnít feel so guilty about breaking up a family with small children. At this point I feel like she probably believes it.

Itís 3am and here I am, I canít sleep again and I have work in the morning. Work Ö itís actually doing spectacularly well, I wonít go into the details, other than Iíve been receiving kudos from supervisors and colleagues. Thatís a great feeling. Work is going well, Iíve grown a lot closer to my kids through all of this. Iíve become a better person in a lot of ways. I told my daughter, Iíll always be here for you, theyíll have to kill me to keep me away. That girl, I donít think Iíve ever cried in front of my kids before.

My lawyerís been calling a lot with requests for paperwork, the way he portrays it is that - despite what even her own lawyers think is realistic and fair - my wife is stubbornly pushing this thing through. She wants to take away my decision making rights, and limit my time with my kids to 4 days a month, which is horrible. Her lawyer is asking that the court appoint a ĎChild Representativeí, so here we go with Ö more lawyers, psychologists, judges. Itís been 9 months already. At this point I just want this to be over, I donít even care about getting my wife back. But I have to fight to be in my kids lives. Itís going to cost a lot of money and take a lot more time now. I had a nervous breakdown over the summer and was hospitalized, I donít know how Iím going to handle it.

Yes there are things to be grateful for. Aside from work, there are other good things. I love my new apartment, small as it is. Itís mine and I set it up pretty cool. Iíve written a ton of new mobile apps. Iíve had to learn how to do things like plan out grocery shopping and keeping better track of my checking account - both things she usually did in the marriage. Iíve started eating better and going to the gym. The social side could use some work, my friend J has been very patient with me. He keeps asking me to go out - I do sometimes but Iím never good company. Iíve been in touch with this woman I met, L, whoís now a good friend. I told L, when Iím in a better place, Iíd like to hang out more. I could use a few more Lís, maybe next week when I donít have the kids Iíll try going to a meet up group. Iím good at making protein shakes now. Me and my daughter have started a little project - I helped her set up a video gaming youtube channel, sheís basically the star and I do all of the animation and editing. Me and my son have been playing a lot of chess.

Mostly though, Iím just a workaholic. I know itís not a balanced lifestyle but I lost my job recently because of this crappy divorce situation, maybe Iím overcompensating because I never want that area of my life to fall apart like that again. Youíre right, I have to find a way to be more positive and take better care of myself. I just havenít made that type of thing a priority lately, Iíve been pushing myself so hard.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

Re: Life is kicking my butt [Re: qt4x11] #2736565
03/29/17 03:41 AM
03/29/17 03:41 AM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
MrBond Offline
Member
MrBond  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Still here or are you still making false assumptions?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Life is kicking my butt [Re: MrBond] #2736580
03/29/17 06:46 AM
03/29/17 06:46 AM
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 634
J
JRuss Offline
Member
JRuss  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 634
Continuing down the spiritual path . . . changes EVERYTHING. I hope you've broken through to the other side, qt.


Me: 46
W: 44
Married: 17
Together 21
D13; S10
BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you)
Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage
Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Page 10 of 10 1 2 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004