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A Message from Michele
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My story as a LBS of a MLCer #2706729
09/27/16 06:55 AM
09/27/16 06:55 AM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 617
UK
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Westo Offline OP
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Westo  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 617
UK
Hi,
I'm from the UK so I hope my language and style doesn't confuse too much.
My husband of 17 years (been together 29) dropped the bomb in March and we have been apart ever since.

I knew he hadn't been right for over two years due to the failure of a business venture that he had spent a couple of years working on. This venture was supposed to change our lives and pay the mortgage. He was hoping he could chuck in his job too, which he has been increasing unhappy about. He also turned fifty last year. After this failed venture he acted very out of character for him, becoming snappy, removing himself from Facebook,turning his phone off and working constantly.

Friends and family noticed too. Anyway, I came home one day to a typed note saying he had been unhappy for some time and that he no longer loved me. I was devastated. We had the most wonderful marriage up until then and I assumed he'd had a breakdown and would soon come home.

He has called only a handful of times and blamed me for everything. I had been a nightmare to live with the last year and I had come out with hurtful things, but tbh he had neglected me for some time and I was frustrated and didn't realise he was so depressed and looking back so was I. It was only after leaving he admitted to the debt we were in and always kept it from me. He admitted to feeling suicidal last year, feels angry all the time and snapping at his colleagues. Looking back he was showing all the symptoms of depression including erectile problems, insomnia, headaches etc.

He told me I was always going on that I was too old for this and too old for that, wore big knickers and had turned into a Gran. I must admit that since our daughter had her kids I've helped her a lot as she lives just opposite us. He had a wonder relationship with our four year old Grandaughter who was his world, before he left. Obviously this has also devastated her and she asks for her PP all the time.

He admitted that he had met someone and was having an ER with her. They have a great laugh together. This was after he promised to come home to try to work things out but he cried foul saying he had stuff to tell me. I haven't seen him for four months now and think I may have spooked him the last time he did. I was half drunk, was wearing little shorts and a top, fake tan, full make up and practically pounced on him. He actually said "so you look great and I look terrible". At first I thought it was a compliment but I now believe he wanted me to reassure him he didn't. I had told him he did in an earlier email.

He has admitted in an email a few weeks ago that he realises it was all his fault, doesn't blame me for it all, has been affected in some way since this venture and has been unable to do anything about it.

He is paying all the bills. I don't have a job as he said I could retire after my hysterectomy in 2012. The only money I have is lodge from our son. He had a payout of miss old PPI earlier in the year and this is what he's spending.

He has repeatedly said he will call but never does. He's redirected his mail to his parents house a few miles away. I believe his ER has now turned into a PA because we had a family wedding last weekend (his so ) which I didn't attend for obvious reasons. And He felt is was appropriate to text him to ask if he could take his 'friend'.

I was shocked that he could do this to our son that we have together. My stepson told him no (he wasn't even aware there was a 'friend') as it would be to awkward.

I was dreading Facebook and the inevitable photos of him in the wedding. However, I wasn't prepared to see what he looks like since I saw him in May. He is now fat and bloated. Don't get me wrong.....I didn't want to see him looking great either but I am shocked at his appearance. He looks like he's in H@ll.

I find it hard to believe that anyone would find him attractive now and want a sexual relationship with him. He has never looked so bad and. I am worried sick about his health.

Has anyone experienced a MLCer gaining such weight in such a short space of time, after leaving. I would have thought he would have lost weight with a new relationship only six months in. I now think this is why he's diverted his mail because he knows he looks so bad. I on the other hand have lost weight and look the best I have in years since he's gone.

I am in the middle of reading DR and stopped contacting him weeks ago. I'll send a very short email to him next month saying I hope he's ok. I feel sorry for us all going through this, his parents are devastated too but most of all I feel desperately sorry for him.

Thanks for reading.

Re: My story as a LBS of a MLCer [Re: Westo] #2706736
09/27/16 07:25 AM
09/27/16 07:25 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,792
Southern Maryland
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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,792
Southern Maryland
Welcome to the MLC Forum! I'm sorry that you are here, but you will get some great advice, suggestions and support here.

I'm going to paste in Cadet's Welcome Message because it has a lot of homework for you to read. But, first, to answer your question about the weight gain...yes, they can gain a lot of weight or lose it. They will look terrible for a time and may even be ill often...this is caused by the depression and in some cases, the weight gain is from drinking and/or eating a lot of fast food or junk food.

So, here's Cadet's Welcome Message:

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-62, D30,S28


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: My story as a LBS of a MLCer [Re: job] #2706737
09/27/16 07:28 AM
09/27/16 07:28 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,792
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,792
Southern Maryland
Here's a thread that has MLC and Depression going hand in hand:

In Tandem--MLC and Depression


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: My story as a LBS of a MLCer [Re: job] #2706739
09/27/16 07:30 AM
09/27/16 07:30 AM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 617
UK
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Westo Offline OP
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Thanks for the welcome job......I have read your link above. I think I've read all the links over the last few weeks.

Made sure I did my homework before posting!

Re: My story as a LBS of a MLCer [Re: Westo] #2706796
09/27/16 11:12 AM
09/27/16 11:12 AM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 617
UK
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Westo Offline OP
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Westo  Offline OP
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Also......if and when he does eventually call, do I ignore the weight gain?

I'm sure his mum will have already said something as his dad has type two diabetes.

Re: My story as a LBS of a MLCer [Re: Westo] #2706800
09/27/16 11:18 AM
09/27/16 11:18 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,792
Southern Maryland
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Southern Maryland
I wouldn't say anything about his weight/appearance. I would keep the conversation light and friendly, if he should call. I would be civil and listen to what he has to say. You have to remember, this is his journey and he needs to figure things out for himself...also, you are not his mother and for the moment, he fired you from being his wife.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: My story as a LBS of a MLCer [Re: job] #2706804
09/27/16 11:36 AM
09/27/16 11:36 AM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 617
UK
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Westo Offline OP
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Posts: 617
UK
It's just as well I saw the photos or the shock would have shown in my face. Any idea why he would have piled on so much weight, so soon?

Could the thought of me looking so much better make him feel worse and made him even more depressed?

He looks like a boozer now but he doesn't like alcohol and can't drink due to his job. He has random checks and would be instantly dismissed.

Re: My story as a LBS of a MLCer [Re: job] #2706815
09/27/16 12:19 PM
09/27/16 12:19 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 4
VA
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btrfly3 Offline
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Posts: 4
VA
Westco, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I don't have any advise but I wanted to tell you to hang in there. I know how confusing this time is and the not knowing what to do or say makes it so much harder.

One thing I'm trying to do is not think about him or how I will respond if and when we do ever communicate. I keep reading that we need to keep the focus off of them and more on us. A challenge for sure, but one that I think will pay off once we figure out how to do it. smile


M44 H44
M18 T20
D18 D15
BD ILYBNILWY 4/7/15
He Moved out 4/8/15 Moved Back in 8/15
Move out again 6/16 - says he just wants to be alone
PA Confirmed 9/16
Re: My story as a LBS of a MLCer [Re: btrfly3] #2706848
09/27/16 02:17 PM
09/27/16 02:17 PM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 617
UK
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Westo Offline OP
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Westo  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 617
UK
Thank you btrfly, it sure is hard. Especially seeing someone you love so much obviously going through this.

I'm doing really well in looking after myself and as you know have good and bad days.

I will try not to think of him too much but like you say, it's so hard. You hang in there too.


___________________
M55 H51
M17 T29
D33 S25
BD 3/7/16 left same day

Re: My story as a LBS of a MLCer [Re: Westo] #2706861
09/27/16 03:20 PM
09/27/16 03:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,792
Southern Maryland
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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,792
Southern Maryland
Westo,

He is on his own journey and right now...his focus is on himself and keeping himself happy. Sometimes stress plays a role in packing on the pounds. But, I suspect your h is eating stuff that probably isn't healthy.

I know you are concerned about the weight gain, but many of them pack on the pounds and some will lose it as they continue down their own crisis path. There's nothing you can do to help him except to pray for him and hope he finds his way out the other side of the crisis.

You will get tired of me saying this...but keep the focus on you and what you need to do in order to move forward. I know you love the guy, but you can't fix him because you didn't break him and he is the only one that can fix himself.

Hang in there!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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