We've been married for 22 years, together for 27. A year ago, my W dropped the bomb. She was done and wanted a D. Not a separation, a divorce. I didn't want it, but she was calm, clear, certain. So I embarked on a course of GAL. I stopped worrying so much about what she was thinking or doing and decided that I was going to use the opportunity to become the man I really want to be and that I haven't been for a long time.
Three months later, she did a 180. She looked at me and said, "I think I'm falling back in love with you. Who is this man? Where has he been?" Within 2 months, we had taken D off the table. We were going to give things another try.
But in hindsight, we did not treat our 2nd chance with the love and commitment it deserved. She still believed that it was largely my fault that we had ended in such a horrible situation. And so, she did next to nothing to look at her own part of the destruction of our marriage.
And yet, this May, she decided that she was done (again). I had not stepped up and she had lost all hope that I ever would. So we went ahead and filed. And now our divorce will be final this week. Since we filed, she has admitted that she did not do much to help restore our marriage in the last 6 months.
I do not disagree that our relationship had become toxic. I take full responsibility for my part of our failure. Only now, as things are drawing to a close, is she beginning to look at her part.
We are not enemies. We are not at war. Our 2 daughters are doing pretty well so far (as well as can be expected) because she and I have continued to be kind and fair with each other throughout.
I still am in love with her. And I see the inherent good in her. And I know that she is in a lot of pain. And we were both acting out of fear for so long. I'm so sad that it came to this. I may be naive, but I think we could still have a future together. If we can both grow up in the ways we need to, we could have a partnership so much better than what we had.
I ordered DR and waiting for it to arrive. But I'm wondering if the advice in it is mostly for those who are still together or are separated and not for those of us who are divorced. Is there hope even after the gavel comes down? We will be co-parents for the rest of our lives. She wants us to be good friends, but it is very painful for me to interact with her that way right now. Not because I'm angry, but it feels like she is trying to have her cake and eat it too. Even though I've been living in my own house for 2 months, she finds a way to talk to me more than once a day and even calls me "darling" and "sweetheart" (even though I had to finally tell her to stop, she hasn't).
So many mixed feelings, so many mixed messages. Sigh.
I'm sorry you find a reason to be here. I do believe that people can find their way back to each other even after it's over. I think there's even a thread for reconciling after divorce, but it's probably more active here.
Me: 29, H:28 Together 9 years, married 7 No kids BD/ILYBNILWY: July 9th, 2016
I know it's not unheard of to remarry your divorced spouse. I think the low hostility is an advantage. But it would be something she would have to decide to don from what you describe. I read a lot of posts here where the walkaway spouse seems to wake up when the left behind spouse really lets go...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you, Cadet. I've got DR ordered and I will keep it to myself.
Despite how painful this is, I would not jump back into this relationship "no matter what." Did that already once. First, we would BOTH have to choose back in of our own free will. The second is that I'm only interested in forging a new relationship, not kickstarting the old one.
_____________________________________ New day. New dawn. New life for me.
Tim Daughters--love of your life. Keep the focus there and continue on yourself too as this will come thru to not only your STBX but others of any changes.
I got to the site and DB too late but to me it is a bit counterintuitive but I think it works for alot...not all. Just another approach in my opinion on the delicate dance of marriage and relationships.
What I have gotten out of all of this is to focus on you and what makes you happy? You didn't give much detail on how you got to where you both are but many of the stories are the same. We drift, lose the person we were in the past in terms of fun, happiness and hobbies...and get in a mode that doesn't continue to keep the connection together.
its great you are not hostile and have a good relationship. if you both got to this point because of just losing the connection (not an affair) than maybe you can reconcile in the future. I forgot who posted this but divorce is just a piece of paper. treat it that way and you will be fine...
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Well, I got through D-Day and now I am a divorced man, single parent, and starting a new life.
Our day in court was full of sadness, tears, tenderness, and some healing connection.
It was an intense day to say the least. It's hard to see how relieved and even happy she is about it ending. But that is her experience. She is in a lot of denial about her part in things and still blames me for most of it. So be it. I believe that is the way she is coping.
In the meantime, I have a future ahead of me. And today I woke up feeling hope and excitement about that. As much as I still love her, I am moving into acceptance and looking forward to being able to detach with love.
And, of course, I have my beautiful daughters to raise and co-parent which keeps me going and growing.