Here we go again....

[sandi2]

I just really thought that we had an awesome story.. got married the first time.. that didn't work out so we divorce. We remained good friends and parents. We decide we want to get back together and get married again.

Well, you've got the good friend & parent part down, pretty good.....it's the M that seems to be the stumbling block. What were you like, during the time you were divorced from each other? Did you act like a confident man who had his b@lls firmly attached? If so, then that was the main ingredient that attracted her back. (If she was indeed attracted, and did not have another reason). I'm not saying that other things are not important in a MR, but I am talking about a man and woman attraction factor. Not standing up for yourself is a sure attraction killer in a relationship.

Its eating me up that she is just seeing me as a friend/caretaker/etc...

So.....change it.

[matw]

Well, you've got the good friend & parent part down, pretty good.....it's the M that seems to be the stumbling block. What were you like, during the time you were divorced from each other? Did you act like a confident man who had his b@lls firmly attached? If so, then that was the main ingredient that attracted her back. (If she was indeed attracted, and did not have another reason). I'm not saying that other things are not important in a MR, but I am talking about a man and woman attraction factor. Not standing up for yourself is a sure attraction killer in a relationship.

Yeah you are right... Back when we got back together the 2nd time she was impressed because I started being confident, doing things for myself, living my own life. She said that's what attracted her to come back to me. But now I am questioning all that.. recently she has told me the only reason she came back was because it was easy and I was so comfortable. Part of me wants to believe that is the part where you aren't supposed to believe anything they say and only half of what they do. I guess that's why I feel defeated today... Its beginning to look like no matter what I do we will be heading to a divorce.

I know I am sounding whiny and not confident today... which is surly unattractive. Its time to go and read, follow the rules, and start living my life for me and my kids.

[TxHubby]

All these revelations point to your wife needing some serious individual counseling. She doesn't know who she is and what she wants so in that quest to find out she engages in very self-destructive behavior. I feel at this point in time working on your relationship is futile. She is incapable of being in a healthy relationship. She really needs individual counseling to figure herself out. Until she does that there isn't much else you, or anyone, can do. As for OM's they don't care. They'll just say whatever it takes to get in their pants.

[matw]

Yeah TxHubby I agree. She is seeing a Individual Counselor that she found back in April when she first dropped the love you but not in love with you. Then we used him for a bit of couples counseling. Which led us to having a great summer together. Then she had this breakdown where she didn't know if she wanted to be with me again a few months ago. He requested to see her individually again. He did tell me in private that this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. Now she is seeing him individually again. She hasn't been since early September but has one next week with him.

I have decided I myself need to go see a counselor and made an appointment for next week. I really do need to figure out how to stop being the "Nice Guy", stop caretaking her, and as I have been told in this thread a few times - GET MY BALL$ BACK! I think today has just been really hard because I am coming to the realization that the marriage I knew is over and won't be back for a very long time (or ever!). From my earlier posts you can tell that I was hoping beyond hope that she would change her mind about moving out... now I am realizing in order for me to heal I need to be alone (obviously with my kids). I am also realzing like you said that isn't going to be much I or anyone else can do. Since I have such a habit of being a Nice Guy and FixIt type really messing with me but I need to get the skills to put matwgood first. I guess we all have good days and bad.

[Bworl]

I personally don't think your wife is bat-[censored] crazy. I just think she has issues with being in a committed relationship. Not saying she wouldn't benefit from some counseling, but I don't see the malice...

Is there any reason why you can't set the tone here, and do it nicely? Seriously, that email to you was incredibly honest and kind. There was love in that email. She knows you're a good man and she cares about you.

There's no OM, right? Can't recall.

You're not looking for a parenting friend. You're looking for a wife who is committed to your life together. So tell her that. And if continuing to be involved in each other's lives as just friends is impossible, tell her that too.

I remember my Ex telling me once just prior to her divorce being final that she just knew we wouldn't be like other divorced couples - that we would still go on trips with our boys, share meals with our boys, etc.

Disbelieving, I looked her squarely in the face and said, "That will never be happening. I'm not interested in being your friend. I want to be your husband, nothing else."

Of course, I wound up divorced too. There's that...

Blessings,
Bill

[matw]

Hey Bworl,

I agree I really think that she has a big issue being in a committed relationship. The therapist even told the both of us that when things get Real for my W she shuts down and pulls away. In therapy one time she explained a lot of hurt/pain seeing her mom fighting with her husbands and the happiest times were when her mom was leaving her stepdads. She was crying explaining all this to the therapist and I. I could tell it was causing her a lot of pain. My W didn't have the best role models when it came to stable loving relationships.

There isn't another man that I know of. There isn't the phone games, unexplained absences, texting someone all the time. I do think there might be more of an emotional affair be it either fantasy or reality. I really don't snoop a whole lot because I find that when I have done that in previous relationships it consumes me and I hate the man I become. I figure I will find out about it eventually one way or another.

I do think your right on setting the tone here and need to do it nicely to her. I like your wording here and will use it in the future. I think right now I am going to chill on all relationship talks. She obviously needs to work through her issues and the more I think about it the more I think we do need a separation for the both of us. I hate to admit it but I have become so co-dependent, niceguy, MR Fixit, wimp... on her and I need time to find myself again. So right now the plan is to continue status quo but with more confidence, detach as much as is possible, continue reading, and work on putting myself first.

[matw]

So yesterday I was not in a good place. I was just thinking about the marriage, it being over, the kids, etc... I decided I needed to go see some friends that I haven't seen since April of this year. I used to do kickboxing for many years and these guys were my trainers. They are the sort of guys that will always be there for you and genuinely care about your happiness. They both know my W as well (we used to kick box together).

So I showed up at the gym unannounced just to hang out with them. It was so nice just talking and having fun. Explained my sitch to them and while they were sad because they had both been to our 2nd wedding. They were extremely supportive and told me they were always there for me no matter what. Saw a lot of people that I have not seen since I love the 50+ lbs. I won't lie it felt good to have so many people tell me I was looking good, what was I doing, wishing they could lose that much.

Now the part that made me feel like I really do need some help is I felt guilty being there. I felt guilty that I needed to take out time to reconnect with some friends. Something normal people do all the time. My W didn't know I left work early to go see them and I didn't tell her. She goes out with her friends why should I feel guilty going to see mine. It was during these thoughts that I realized how far I have fallen from being a man. I wasn't doing anything wrong yet I felt like I was. I have just as many issues as my W does.. they are just different ones. Ones I need to work on for myself if I ever want to have a relationship that I am true to myself.. either with my wife or someone else.

[Bworl]

It's good when you begin to catch honest glimpses of yourself.

Now you know what people are talking about when they tell you to examine and reflect on yourself as a man in order to consider how you might like to make some personal changes.

You can't change her, but you can change yourself. And don't tell anybody, but...that's even better.

Blessings,
Bill

[MrBond]

It's not your shortcomings of being a man. It's just that you had gotten used to sharing things with your W when in a M. That's the way it should be. But now things are different. You're no longer in that mindset. It takes some getting used to again.

[matw]

So last night we finally told our S9 and S10 that my W would be moving to an apartment in November. My S9 is pretty sensitive and started crying right away. About broke my heart. When my S10 was alone with me he started crying as well. I could tell this is hurting them both. My W and I decided to get them a cell phone they could share so that they are able to text/call each parent whenever they want. They were pretty excited about that and we told them if they can share the phone for a month and be responsible we would get them another one so they can each have one.

After we told them my sons just wanted to hang out with me. They came upstairs and helped me pack my gym bag for the next - I workout at 430am then shower and head to work. Then we went downstairs and watched some football. Both of them were very clingy and wanted to sit next to me and hold my hand. I love them so much and feel bad that were are doing this to them.

W called me this morning and felt it went really well. I told her that they were both extremely sad and will probably hit them in waves. She seemed annoyed that both our boys wanted to hang out with me and made the remark - Looks like they are worried about you. Seemed like an odd remark but maybe its true... I have always been extremely close to my sons and has even been a bit of an issue with my W because of that.

Anyways I am glad we told them and let them know what was going on.. I was sick of hiding it and they deserve to know. She is set to move Nov 10th into her apartment so we will have a few weeks to observe them and make sure they know that we both love them.