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A Message from Michele
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Now I know #2706312
09/24/16 12:51 PM
09/24/16 12:51 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 4
VA
B
btrfly3 Offline OP
New Member
btrfly3  Offline OP
New Member
B
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 4
VA
This is my first time posting. I've been lurking for quite some time and this site has saved my sanity more times than I care to admit. Some background on my marriage. We've had some ups and downs through the years. My husband has cheated a couple of times, each time I confronted him he lied until he had no choice but to tell the truth. That has always been his MO, he lies until I call his bluff.

In June he told me that he just wanted to be alone. This was after I tried talking to him about why he was pulling away. He had stopped wearing his wedding ring, was hugging the side of the bed, spent most of his time at home in the bathroom. I asked him if he wanted a divorce, and he couldn't answer me. He said that he just wanted to be alone, that it wasn't me or the kids.

He moved out and said he was moving into a basement with a room in a town about 45 minutes away. He had lived there for about 5 months last year when he moved out. Last year he moved out at bomb drop 1 when I got the ILYBINILWY speech. I thought we worked things out when he moved back in last August.

I felt like something was going on this time. I kept telling him I would like our daughter to spend time with him at his new place or even maybe I could come over just to see where he was. I even joked that I just wanted to make sure he wasn't living with an OW (the one he supposedly had a ONS with last year). Every time I brought it up there was always an excuse on why we couldn't come over. Then he started saying he was working every weekend. He's never had to work weekends. Then it was working later in the evenings. I noticed he was always checking in to see what I was doing.

During this time since he moved out in June he's been telling me he loves me, he came home and got his wedding ring and snapped a pic of him wearing it. When we met for lunch he had it on.

Well, anyway this past Tuesday I finally just said I wanted to come over. I got excuse after excuse why I couldn't. He kept saying the people he was renting from wouldn't let him have people over until he "cleared" it with them. I ended the conversation with "well clear it and let me know when I can come over". On Thursday I was telling a friend of mine the story and she agreed it sounded very shady and wondered if he could be living with OW. She was able to find her address. I drove by her house, which is in the same town that I live in and sure enough there was his car. This is after he texted me at 7PM telling me he was taking his medicine and would be knocked out. I went to the door and her daughter answered. She said that he wasn't there and that they were at a local bar, less than a mile from where I live. I called his cell and left him a message that I was coming to the bar. I'm guessing he didn't get the vm.

I went to the bar and as I walked in she saw me first. I stood next to him, he saw her looking at me and turned to see what she was looking at. I just looked him in the eye then walked away. I could tell he was drunk. This is a man who in all the years I've been with him got drunk maybe 5 times in 20 years. His dad was an alcoholic so he's always been very careful of that.

I haven't spoken to him since then. He tried to call me twice yesterday morning. I just don't understand. This whole time he's been talking about our future. He even said something last weekend about coming home and what it would take. I can't believe he has lived in the same town with me this whole time. My friend found a pic of them on her FB account, clearly at the same bar and drunk, even then.

I know from reading this site that most of this is classic MLC behavior. I can hear job saying "there is no making sense of them" but I hate this pain. I keep telling myself it's better to know the truth and what I'm actually dealing with.

I went online and downloaded a separation agreement and emailed it to him today. I kept it very simple. Told him I didn't want to talk to him and to please stay away. The OW is a lawyer and I told him to have her look it over. I told him it was over.

I've been working on GAL but after this hit I truly just want to lock myself in a room and cry. I'm normally really good about keeping my emotions locked in but for some reason this time I'm struggling with it. Maybe because this time I know it's over. I don't think we can come back from this betrayal.
I'm sorry for rambling so much.

I truly admire all the brave people on this site. Many of you have been an inspiration to me and one of my escapes has been following your journey. I hope that I can one day look back at my journeys and be proud of how I made it.

Last edited by job; 09/24/16 03:10 PM. Reason: Put in carriage returns for better reading

M44 H44
M18 T20
D18 D15
BD ILYBNILWY 4/7/15
He Moved out 4/8/15 Moved Back in 8/15
Move out again 6/16 - says he just wants to be alone
PA Confirmed 9/16
Re: Now I know [Re: btrfly3] #2706338
09/24/16 03:24 PM
09/24/16 03:24 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,792
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,792
Southern Maryland
btrfly3,

Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.

Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting:
OK so that means MORE homework.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

_________________________
Me-62, D30,S28


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Now I know [Re: job] #2706377
09/24/16 07:26 PM
09/24/16 07:26 PM
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 236
T
tfish08 Offline
Member
tfish08  Offline
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T
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 236
I'm sorry you are going through this. Vent..Cry..Yell..then keep going. Stay Strong and keep posting

Re: Now I know [Re: tfish08] #2706484
09/25/16 05:30 PM
09/25/16 05:30 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
1
123Gwen Offline
Member
123Gwen  Offline
Member
1
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
Let me add my support for you during this tough time. This situation is painful and irrational and confusing. Be kind to yourself and know that the people here are truly compassionate. This is a safe place.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.
― Maya Angelou



Re: Now I know [Re: 123Gwen] #2706492
09/25/16 06:31 PM
09/25/16 06:31 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
peacetoday Offline
Member
peacetoday  Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
You have a lot of strength
and your decision to let him go
hang in there-

it definitely gets easier and you will be ok--


MLC and addiction sometimes go together for some
and addiction has its own set of issues


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Now I know [Re: peacetoday] #2706502
09/25/16 10:09 PM
09/25/16 10:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,551
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,551
Sorry you're here.

My first thought.... Get a lawyer. No downloaded papers online. You've been married too long, have kids...... You NEED a lawyer to protect your financial interests.

My second thought...... Third time's a charm. This is what I realized about my ex. His first affair early in the marriage, I forgave as a youthful mistake. His second when the kids were preteens, I came here, DBd my butt off and we reconciled and were better than ever. His third episode, several years later..... He moved out and I realized at that point, there really wasn't ANYTHING he could do that would make me trust him again. (Not that he ever attempted to come back, but it was helpful for me to realize at that point that even if he DID come back begging, I would never be able to trust him again).

Third- whether YOU are done yet or not is totally up to you. No judgment here. But the most important work you need to be doing right now is your own personal growth. And part of that growth is figuring out why you settled for less than you deserved in your marriage. Then think about what dreams of yours have you set aside for your marriage? What do you secretly dream of doing ? Its time to create the life of your dreams; if your H comes running back to join you in that fabulous life , you can always decide then whether he has done sufficient work on himself to be worth considering back in your life.

(Btw...... I know what you're thinking, and I agree.....worse than the infidelity is the prolonged lying about it. Yup. Been there, got the t-shirt.)

Re: Now I know [Re: kml] #2706508
09/26/16 12:27 AM
09/26/16 12:27 AM
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 59
UK - London
H
HTM Offline
Member
HTM  Offline
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H
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 59
UK - London
I'm sorry this has happened to you btrfly3.

I agree with kml get yourself a lawyer especially if your H has a the advice of one on tap!

I wouldn't have believed how far my W would go but with a Police Officer SIL whispering in her ear she raised an unjustifiable court order against me. When I engaged a solicitor he advised/noted that the legal document was a downloaded template, poorly completed by my W, and ultimately meant I was in a strong legal position to challenge it.

I'm not as experienced as some of the DBers/vets here so the advice I can offer is limited but will be rooting for you all the same.

Wishing you better times ahead.


Me 50, ExW 49
T21, M13+
S15, S13
BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY)
Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts
Oct-2016 W petitions for D
Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed
Jun-2018 D'd
Re: Now I know [Re: HTM] #2706518
09/26/16 05:03 AM
09/26/16 05:03 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,792
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,792
Southern Maryland
I agree also about retaining a lawyer. Whether you are in agreement w/the terms and conditions that he has proposed or not, using a lawyer is the best way to go. Whatever you learn in the lawyer's office, please do not share it w/him. Knowledge is power and the more you know about your legal rights, the better.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Now I know [Re: job] #2706530
09/26/16 06:16 AM
09/26/16 06:16 AM
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Washington
C
ciluzen Offline
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ciluzen  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Washington
Hey, B3! I'm so sorry you've had to come here, but this is a very good place to find support, help, and advice.
I couldn't agree more about finding a good L. I was pretty shocked at how my H acted (there was good and bad) during the course of our D. Not sure how much was H driven or L driven, but that's why you need someone on your team with knowledge and experience.

Stay strong!


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Re: Now I know [Re: ciluzen] #2706562
09/26/16 09:22 AM
09/26/16 09:22 AM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 4
VA
B
btrfly3 Offline OP
New Member
btrfly3  Offline OP
New Member
B
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 4
VA
Wow, thank you all for taking the time to respond. I will into finding a good lawyer this week.

I know you're right, I can't predict how he'll act in this situation. I need to keep repeating that this is not the same H I've known and loved for so many years.

KML - You are so right, I will never be able to trust him. I don't ever want to be in a marriage with someone I don't trust. He was supposed to always have my back.

I'm really struggling with keeping my focus off of him and wondering how he's doing and taking this. I've always tried to make things ok for him. Even when he was wrong I tried to make it ok. I've been reading CDNM and turns out I'm a classic co-dependent.

I keep having conversations with him in my head. Every time I catch myself doing it I try to pull the focus back to me and my journey. I'm tempted to try the rubber band trick to keep reminding myself to stop focusing on him so much.

My homework this week is going to be to make some goals for myself and to stick to them. By the end of this week I am going to let go of the hate. I never want to have hate in my heart for anyone. I think I just need it right now to keep upright. If only I could go numb for awhile. I thought about going on AD but I truly want to just feel this once and move on from it. I'm afraid if I go on AD's that I will just prolong the process. I'm not looking down on anyone that has used them, and I am open if I do need them, but my hope is I can get through this without them.

I bought some candles at a Natural Living expo this weekend. One was for Healing the other was for Inner Peace. I burned the Healing one last night. Not sure how much it helped but I will try anything at this point.

Thanks again for all the reply's. I appreciate them more than you know.


M44 H44
M18 T20
D18 D15
BD ILYBNILWY 4/7/15
He Moved out 4/8/15 Moved Back in 8/15
Move out again 6/16 - says he just wants to be alone
PA Confirmed 9/16
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