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Eagle11 Offline OP
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2Lady,

Originally Posted By: 2Lady
I am seeing a pattern in these forums. Many of the MLC spouses seem to have alcohol and/or Xanax problems. I have to give you credit for recognizing these as factors in your problem because most people seem to describe them as if, for example, it is totally normally to drink so much that one passes out.


It did take me some time to realize getting drunk was my W's new thing for handling what was going on. I'm not sure she understood the severity of mixing the alcohol and xanax until I told her what my therapist told me. She has only been home for a couple of nights since we talked about it but she hasn't had any alcohol. I also saw that when she filled out forms to see her new therapist yesterday she listed alcohol as her way of coping. It's up to her to stop but at least she is aware of her problem and maybe with the help of her therapist she can figure out how.


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Originally Posted By: Eagle11
Originally Posted By: Mach1


Why the f%#& are you spending YOUR IC time, talking about your wife...???




I was with my IC for about 1 1/2 hours. I spent 20 -30 minutes on my W's alcohol/drug abuse. I had to figure out how to approach her about this because it could affect my kids. My IC also helped me understand what the alcohol is doing to her and how it is effecting her when she is mixing it with the Xanax. I honestly didn't realize what type of drug Xanax is and what it could do when paired with alcohol.



Eagle....I get why...

I was looking for the deeper why, the one that involves you not trying to fix her with YOUR IC time...

The one where you LEAD your family through this without sacrificing yourself to do it....

What else did you work through ???

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Eagle11 Offline OP
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Quote:


Eagle....I get why...

I was looking for the deeper why, the one that involves you not trying to fix her with YOUR IC time...

The one where you LEAD your family through this without sacrificing yourself to do it....

What else did you work through ???




We spent most of the time working on my ideas of me being selfish. We spent time on getting me to do things for myself and talked about how I need to take time for myself. We also talked about my relationships with my family which are strained right now.

I looked at this as an opportunity to learn about addiction or just the effects of the Xanax and alcohol. I really don't know much about alcohol abuse or addiction and I could have read up about it on the internet, but I thought talking to someone who actually knows what they are talking about when it comes to these addictions because she deals with it with patients everyday would be a opportunity for me. My IC explained the dangers of mixing the Xanax and alcohol I feel better than I could have gotten by reading something online or out of a book. She also gave me ideas about how to approach my W with these concerns which I feel worked. My W and my conversation about the drinking went way better than I could have imagined and I have my IC to thank for that because I didn't know how to approach my W with my concerns before talking to my IC.


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Hi Eagle, I'm glad you managed to be assertive about her drinking. Hopefully she will realise the negative effect alcohol has on the body, especially to those in stressful situations. I know I now personally avoid drinking at home, and only rarely (once a week at most) will be out in company. The effects with other drugs involved must be frightening too.


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Eagle

Quote:
We spent most of the time working on my ideas of me being selfish.

And what have you learned about YOU being selfish? Do you think you really are selfish OR do you feel that maybe you are assuming that you are because W said so?


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
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Eagle11 Offline OP
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Eric,

Originally Posted By: ericmsant2

And what have you learned about YOU being selfish? Do you think you really are selfish OR do you feel that maybe you are assuming that you are because W said so?


I've learned that I am not really a selfish person and that I need to do things for myself. I've had selfish moments in my relationship but we've all done selfish things from time to time. My IC and I talked about how I have hobbies and things outside of my marriage and my W doesn't have those. So when I go out and do my hobbies she would often feel jealous and like I was neglecting her and that I was being selfish. It's not really me being selfish it's more my W being dependent on me for her happiness. If I take 4 or 5 hours on a Saturday for myself to do something I enjoy doing it's not being selfish. It's more my W's problem that she doesn't take that time for herself and I should not feel bad that I do take the time for myself.


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Hi eagle, your post about your W sound like the way my MIL behaved around my W. Could this have been one of the issues that pushed her into crisis? I don't know but it certainly isn't healthy either way. Sorry for thread hi-jack


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Originally Posted By: Eagle11
Eric,

Originally Posted By: ericmsant2

And what have you learned about YOU being selfish? Do you think you really are selfish OR do you feel that maybe you are assuming that you are because W said so?


I've learned that I am not really a selfish person and that I need to do things for myself. I've had selfish moments in my relationship but we've all done selfish things from time to time. My IC and I talked about how I have hobbies and things outside of my marriage and my W doesn't have those. So when I go out and do my hobbies she would often feel jealous and like I was neglecting her and that I was being selfish. It's not really me being selfish it's more my W being dependent on me for her happiness. If I take 4 or 5 hours on a Saturday for myself to do something I enjoy doing it's not being selfish. It's more my W's problem that she doesn't take that time for herself and I should not feel bad that I do take the time for myself.


I do not like when people call doing things for themselves "selfish" It's not in the context in which we understand the work. It's called self-care. Selfish is when we do what we want, when we want, even if it has a very negative consequence. That's my definition anyways.

You cannot serve from an empty vessel (quoted by someone famous and important many times, and I can't recall who)

My ex and I did almost everything together. Actually, until he was cheating on me, I can't even remember not going to bed at the same time (I did work night shift, so he did get to go to bed without me 3 nights a week). It wasn't me making him, or him making me, it just happened that we did almost everything together. I realize that was pretty unhealthy. because it was mostly me doing things he enjoyed, and with his friends. It's great to have outside interests and things personal to you as long as you balance it with time spent with your spouse. I swear, I learned so much from my bad M and just being alone about how to be healthy in an R. I've really taken the time to step back and observe other couples.

Anywho, I digress. I think you are correct in your assessment. Self care is important and healthy. Relying on your spouse for all happiness is NOT healthy.

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SRT,
Originally Posted By: srt
Hi eagle, your post about your W sound like the way my MIL behaved around my W. Could this have been one of the issues that pushed her into crisis? I don't know but it certainly isn't healthy either way. Sorry for thread hi-jack


I'm not really sure what brought my W into her crisis. She had a lot of childhood trauma and also experienced trauma while in college. She also has severe self esteem issues which to me might be her biggest problem. She started therapy this week and from what she told me it's pretty intense. I hope she sticks with it because she hasn't in the past.


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Ginger,
Originally Posted By: Ginger1

I do not like when people call doing things for themselves "selfish" It's not in the context in which we understand the work. It's called self-care. Selfish is when we do what we want, when we want, even if it has a very negative consequence. That's my definition anyways.


I'm learning this. Still I have a hard time sometimes. My W asked me this morning if I had plans this weekend and I told her I was going golfing on Saturday and I still felt a little guilty even though I know I shouldn't. It's not going to stop me from going and I will have a good time but I guess there is still a little of the old me in there.

Quote:

My ex and I did almost everything together. Actually, until he was cheating on me, I can't even remember not going to bed at the same time (I did work night shift, so he did get to go to bed without me 3 nights a week). It wasn't me making him, or him making me, it just happened that we did almost everything together. I realize that was pretty unhealthy. because it was mostly me doing things he enjoyed, and with his friends. It's great to have outside interests and things personal to you as long as you balance it with time spent with your spouse. I swear, I learned so much from my bad M and just being alone about how to be healthy in an R. I've really taken the time to step back and observe other couples.


I still did my things but my W basically gave up her things to spend time with me, which I never asked her too. My W had a group of friends that she hung out with when I met her but within a short time she dropped them to spend her time with me. She wanted to do everything with me and I think she became jealous when I would do things without her. There was a time when we lived in AZ for 4 years that it was better because she found a group of girl friends that she could do stuff with but then we moved away and she never really found any friends or hobbies for herself since then.


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