Confused on What to Do 3

[Eagle11]

Eric,

1) How has it been going and
2) Can you give me more detail on WHAT you are doing or scenarios on where you are applying what you learned?

1) I feel it is going much better. I honestly didn't realize how bad my confidence and fear was before. I mean I knew I was lacking in both but after reading the book, I realized I was basically letting the fear and lack of confidence control me.
2) Well the first thing I have done is not be scared to do things on my own. I have done things like go to the golf course, taken a couple of walks and in general made sure I have not spent as much time around my W. We still see each other but I have been making an effort to show her that I have a life without her. The couple of walks I have taken were not in the neighborhood, but at a park. I didn't tell her where I was going or when I was going to be home. The other night she came home and was sitting on the couch watching tv and I get the feeling she expected me to come sit with her, but I told her I had to go out. Trying not to mind read but she seemed a little disappointed. I have also been doing things that historically my W would do like switching our Internet providers and I went to my sons parent teacher conference instead of her. Usually she would do this stuff but I decided I was going to do. It might seem small, but it is out of character for the old me.

GOOD! What was the disagreement if I may?

The disagreement was over her going out of town. She went back to Ohio to visit her family today and is going to be gone until Monday. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she was going to be back Sunday morning. It was minor but by her taking the extra day I lost my chance to do something for myself this weekend because I will have the kids all weekend. She said she told me she would be back Monday but I know she told me Sunday. It didn't get heated or anything like that, but I did stand my ground and told her I didn't appreciate her taking the trip that took up the entire weekend without asking me first. She actually apologized to me (In the past I would be the one apologizing), so that was different.

How are the kiddos?

Kids are doing great. My S6 anxiety seems to be doing much better. I talked to his teacher about seeing the counselor at school again and he hasn't cried at school this week. Previously, he had been crying 2 or 3 days a week when I went to drop him off and his teacher said he broke down in class one day last week and started crying.

[Eagle11]

Another thing I forgot to mention is that I went to my IC on Tuesday and discussed my W's drinking. She has basically been drinking about 1 to 1 1/2 bottles of wine a night. To go along with the drinking my W also takes her daily dose of Paxil and Xanax. On Monday night I took my S6 to cub scouts while she stayed home with our S2. We were gone about 2 hours and when we got back I saw that she had drank over a bottle of wine while we were gone. I didn't say anything to her that night but expressed to my IC that I didn't feel comfortable with her being at home for long stretches with the kids if she continues to drink like this. My IC and I talked about what to do and ran through a couple of scenarios. My W was going back to visit family this weekend and we thought about me contacting her mom, but I decided against that because I don't know how that would come across. Basically I didn't know if her mom would believe me because I don't know what her mom thinks of me right now. I finally decided that I would just talk to my W the next time I saw her drinking.

When I got home from the IC on Tuesday evening I was in the dining room eating dinner with the kids when my W came in and asked how my therapy went. I told her it was good and then she asked if I could asked my IC if she could recommend a therapist for her. I was shocked because my W has told me she doesn't need a therapist anymore and she can take care of herself. Anyway, I told my W I would email my IC that night. The next my IC got back with me and gave 3 recommendations which I forwarded onto my W. Then Wednesday night my W told me she had contacted one of the therapists, which shocked me again. She might not stick with it but I hope this therapy works out. I'm not really concerned about the marriage right now as much as her relationship with our kids.

Finally, on Wednesday she opened a bottle of wine started into her drinking. That is when I decided I had to talk to her. I think I did a good job of explaining the drinking to her. I told her I was concerned about her, especially mixing this drinking with drugs. I told her that if she didn't stop the drinking I would not be taking our S6 camping in 3 weeks because I couldn't trust her with our S2 to be home with him for 2 nights by themselves. I just can't take the chance if she is drinking like this along with her drugs that they will be safe if I'm not home. I worry about something could happen to my son and she will be too drunk to help him or something could happen to her and he obviously wouldn't be able to do anything. I told her I am no longer buying any alcohol for her and she needs to stop. She actually agreed with me and told me she knows she has a problem. We will see in the next couple of weeks if she is taking this seriously or not.

[Mach1]

Another thing I forgot to mention is that I went to my IC on Tuesday and discussed my W's drinking.

Why the f%#& are you spending YOUR IC time, talking about your wife...???

[ericmsant2]

Eagle

You’ve mentioned that she drinks 1 to 1 and half bottle of wine a night. Is she really drunk after that? I am not suggesting that a bottle and a half are acceptable.

I told her that if she didn't stop the drinking I would not be taking our S6 camping in 3 weeks because I couldn't trust her with our S2 to be home with him for 2 nights by themselves.

Mabye you should consider finding a baby sitter for S2. Think about it…. “okay W if you do not stop drinking – I will refuse to NOT have fun with my son to punish you”. What is the consequence for her?

Aside from the above, I would be a bit careful here…. Do you really believe that she will be unable to take care of s2 OR is that a passive aggressive way to show HER that you have changed?

My W was going back to visit family this weekend and we thought about me contacting her mom, but I decided against that because I don't know how that would come across.

First she is 36 years old – YOU running to tell her MOM is probably not going to give you the desired results that you seek. As for you not buying anymore wine – IMHO, you do not need to “announce it” – Just stop buying it. Period.

Think about it…. “I am not going to purchase your wine anymore” sounds a bit like “You have not behaved so I am going to punish you”.

Eagle – you are not her father – you are her partner.

I told her that if she didn't stop the drinking I would not be taking our S6 camping in 3 weeks because I couldn't trust her with our S2 to be home with him for 2 nights by themselves

This ^^^^ is a form of a boundary or ultimatum. YOU have now set one. YOU’ll need to stick to it. So…..if she continues to drink….you have now made the commitment that you are not taking your son camping. Not the type of boundary I would have set – at least not now.


The fact that she is willing to speak to a therapist maybe a good thing. I would not get your hopes up high, which leads me to a question.

Have you read up on EXPECTATIONS?

You mentioned drinking and “drugs”…what kinds of drugs?

I just can't take the chance if she is drinking like this along with her drugs that they will be safe if I'm not home.

Regarding this ^^^^^^

I can totally understand how you feel. You will NOT always be able to be home. Regardless of the outcome of your sitch – she is their mother and therefore has every right to spend time with the kids WITHOUT you. Unless she is a drug pushing mother that beats her kids – she WILL be able to do what she feel she wants to with them. If she is a stumbling drunk…..I would have a slightly different view.

How is the journaling going?

[Eagle11]

Why the f%#& are you spending YOUR IC time, talking about your wife...???

I was with my IC for about 1 1/2 hours. I spent 20 -30 minutes on my W's alcohol/drug abuse. I had to figure out how to approach her about this because it could affect my kids. My IC also helped me understand what the alcohol is doing to her and how it is effecting her when she is mixing it with the Xanax. I honestly didn't realize what type of drug Xanax is and what it could do when paired with alcohol.

[Eagle11]

Eric,

You’ve mentioned that she drinks 1 to 1 and half bottle of wine a night. Is she really drunk after that? I am not suggesting that a bottle and a half are acceptable.

It's more the effect of drinking the alcohol and taking the Xanax that has me worried. I didn't realize what kind of drug Xanax is and what it can do to you if paired with alcohol. My IC explained they are both central nervous system drugs and they both work the same way. I guess to make it simple my IC told me that if she drinks 1 bottle of wine but also takes a Xanax she has basically doubled her alcohol intake. So instead of 1 bottle of wine she has taken the equivalent of 2 bottles of wine. She is also prone to blackouts where she doesn't remember anything from the night when she has been drinking. Just in the last couple of months her and I have had serious discussions while she has been drinking and the next day she doesn't remember anything from the night before. This also might explain why she says she can't remember what happened some nights when she has been on work trips and had a lot to drink. I always assumed stuff happened and she was just keeping it from me, but she really might not remember.

She has taken the xanax for years. All I knew was that it helped her anxiety and she would take one when she thought she might have a panic attack coming on. I have noticed that she takes one every night before bed now possibly to help her sleep, but I don't know if she is taking any more throughout the day. Obviously, the more xanax she takes the more alcohol will effect her. If she went on a serious drinking binge mixed with the xanax, then I was told she could OD and end up in a coma or worse. She hasn't drank like that around the house (the most I can remember is her drinking 2 bottles of wine), but she did tell me when she was in New Orleans a couple of weeks ago she had 3 glasses of wine at dinner and then went to a bar with a lady she works with where she had "many drinks". Then she doesn't really remember anything else. She also has told me she drank so much wine in Vegas (it was free and they kept bringing it to her) the night OM #1 kissed her back at the end of July that she doesn't really remember anything. She told me she remembers going to and ATM machine to try to get money out to gamble but she couldn't remember her pin #, which is the same numbers she has had since I've known her. She says she doesn't remember how she got back to her room either (although I have always wondered if she had help).

From the above, I would be a bit careful here…. Do you really believe that she will be unable to take care of s2 OR is that a passive aggressive way to show HER that you have changed?

If she is sober I have no doubt she can take care of my S2. My IC and I talked about if something happened to my son and he got hurt. He is into climbing on things now and what happens if he falls and breaks his leg or something? Can I trust if she can get him help if she has been drinking? I don't think I can.

First she is 36 years old – YOU running to tell her MOM is probably not going to give you the desired results that you seek. As for you not buying anymore wine – IMHO, you do not need to “announce it” – Just stop buying it. Period.

Yeah, this was discussed and it was one of the reasons I chose not to tell her mom. It was also discussed that I talk to her brother because he is a recovering alcoholic but I decided against that too. I also chose to tell her I was no longer going to buy her alcohol because I feel I was enabling her drinking and I would not be a part of that anymore.

This ^^^^ is a form of a boundary or ultimatum. YOU have now set one. YOU’ll need to stick to it. So…..if she continues to drink….you have now made the commitment that you are not taking your son camping. Not the type of boundary I would have set – at least not now.

I am fine with what I told her. I will not put up with her possibly putting our kids lives in danger. I can live with the consequences and if she doesn't stop then we won't be going camping. My son will disappointed, but he will get over it. If she wants to drink on her own then she can do that but not when she is supposed to be watching the kids.

The fact that she is willing to speak to a therapist maybe a good thing. I would not get your hopes up high, which leads me to a question.

Have you read up on EXPECTATIONS?

No, but I will. I'm not looking for a miracle at this point, but I did see it as some type of positive that she wants to seek help. I know it might not last. She has told me that she has seen 7 therapists in the past and they obviously have not helped, but maybe it will this time. She did tell me a couple of nights before asking for my help with the therapist that nobody could help her and that she was broken, so I was surprised that she came to me a couple of days later asking for help.

I can totally understand how you feel. You will NOT always be able to be home. Regardless of the outcome of your sitch – she is their mother and therefore has every right to spend time with the kids WITHOUT you. Unless she is a drug pushing mother that beats her kids – she WILL be able to do what she feel she wants to with them. If she is a stumbling drunk…..I would have a slightly different view.

I want her to spend time with the kids. I actually wish she would spend more time with them because when she is at home in the evenings she usually spends it either watching tv, doing work or she is on her phone. With each of those activities there is usually alcohol involved.

If she wants to drink her life away then that is her decision but I become involved if it starts to effect the kids.

How is the journaling going?

I've been keeping up with it everyday. It has been good to write down my thoughts for the day. To actually get pen to paper and I guess see what I am thinking has been good.

Thanks

[ericmsant2]

Thank you for responding Eagle.

Just popping in to say Hi. How was your weekend?

[Eagle11]

Thank you for responding Eagle.

Just popping in to say Hi. How was your weekend?

The weekend was fine and uneventful. My W was out of town Friday and Saturday visiting her family but then surprised us by showing up Sunday morning. She was supposed to be back on Monday but there was some family drama involving her younger brother and she switched flights to come home a day early. I spent Saturday with the kids. I had to take them to get flu shots and then we went to the park and out to eat. On Sunday I took the kids to a different park where we found some trails to explore the forest. The kids seemed to enjoy it and I did too. Since my W was out of town and I watched the kids I didn't get to go to the gym but I've made it the last 2 mornings. I also started a new book last weekend. This one isn't a self help type book but a book I'm reading for fun.

I hope your weekend was good and thanks for checking in on me.

[2Lady]

I am seeing a pattern in these forums. Many of the MLC spouses seem to have alcohol and/or Xanax problems. I have to give you credit for recognizing these as factors in your problem because most people seem to describe them as if, for example, it is totally normally to drink so much that one passes out.

[ericmsant2]

I didn't get to go to the gym but I've made it the last 2 mornings.

Good for YOU dude!