Zanadoo - How are you doing on your homework from SH_ and mouse extermination?
Originally Posted By: SH_
Narrow down to some simple things that you can try. Use DB principles as your guide. Start with a beginners mindset. Know Wha you want. Stay out of cheerless tunnels Experiment and monitor. Keep track of the positive changes.
PS - I quite liked the name you picked too but unlike some others who are hung up on the female disco idols of their youth .... my mind went to Samuel Coleridge's poem "A Vision in a Dream - A Fragment". Yes - I'm the Uncle AndrewP from "that" side of the family
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Good evening Zanadoo, You have met the welcoming committee and received much good advice today.
I have scanned your story and I am sorry you are here, but I can tell you, it is a good place to be under the circumstances. It literally saved me...
Your question is a good one
Quote:
How do you stop being manipulated?
The simple answer, is to identify when it is happening and to have pre set responses, or in worst case scenario, no response and walk away.... Simple right? I know it is not so easy though. I am a big believer that we have to put in much work to get through and heal after a BD, so....
I am going to give yo a little homework and ask that you share what you find and I can bounce your thoughts around with you. What do you say to this?
If you choose to accept, I am going to ask that you google your exact question here. you will find pages of strategies and information. Narrow down to some simple things that you can try. Use DB principles as your guide. Start with a beginners mindset. Know Wha you want. Stay out of cheerless tunnels Experiment and monitor. Keep track of the positive changes.
I will swing by tomorrow to see if you accept and your progress with putting in some work to heal, get stronger and manage your sitch.
Good luck. you are in the best place possible right now.
Hello! So my focus needs to be on me not on my marriage or my husband...thats what you're saying right? And you want me to do some research on manipulation right?
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
Zanadoo - How are you doing on your homework from SH_ and mouse extermination?
Originally Posted By: SH_
Narrow down to some simple things that you can try. Use DB principles as your guide. Start with a beginners mindset. Know Wha you want. Stay out of cheerless tunnels Experiment and monitor. Keep track of the positive changes.
PS - I quite liked the name you picked too but unlike some others who are hung up on the female disco idols of their youth .... my mind went to Samuel Coleridge's poem "A Vision in a Dream - A Fragment". Yes - I'm the Uncle AndrewP from "that" side of the family
I'm just starting to work on the homework now We will see how it goes.
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
Hello! So my focus needs to be on me not on my marriage or my husband...thats what you're saying right? And you want me to do some research on manipulation right?
Yes... Sounds simple right? And it is... But the task at hand will not be easy, so brace yourself... You have a great support group here and we will be here to hold your hand, give pointers and those ever dreaded but needed 2x4's.
Quote:
I'm just starting to work on the homework now wink We will see how it goes.
I look forward to hearing what you get from it and the plans.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Manipulative people need to be in control, and this desire for control often masks underlying feelings of insecurity. Manipulators often compensate by appearing to be self-confident and powerful. Their motives are almost always self-serving, and they have little regard for how their behaviors impact those around them. They need to feel superior and powerful and seek out people who will validate them by accommodating their manipulative, passive aggressive behaviors.
Your own emotions are your best tool for recognizing the problem between you and a manipulator. Examine your emotions to see if you feel defensive, shamed, guilty, angry, or sympathetic toward the other person. Do you find yourself making excuses for their behavior or compromising your own beliefs and choices to accommodate them? You may not recognize these negative feelings in the immediacy of the moment, but later when you revisit the situation, these emotions might emerge.
If you suspect you’re involved with an emotional manipulator, then now is the time to do something about it. Speak with a counselor to validate your suspicions and to see if there’s any hope for the relationship. The longer you remain in this unhealthy dynamic, the more of your authentic self you give away.
Just found this on the interwebs....wow....
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
So I don't know if this is want I should have done but I looked at our phone records...there was a number that my husband had been texting like crazy...it was a girl. I called it and left a message and said that I would appreciate it if she would stop talking to my husband. Then I confronted my husband and he said he was so sorry and would stop. I feel like I want to beg and plead again that we fix things. Someone help me!!
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
Zanadoo - Just stopping by - I hope you're having a good day. It appears you're doing a lot of hard thinking which is fabulous.
One thing that I've noticed with depressed people is that their posture will often suffer. Maybe take a few minutes and play a game with D3 of doing the old charm school trick of walking around with a book balanced on your head. It will be a bit of silly fun but I'm sure if you look in the mirror while you do it you'll see a bit of the old you in the twinkle in your eye.
I see you've done some of the homework from SH_ Have you had a chance to go visiting beyond Cherry's place? Have you done anything for you today? My W and I are a big fan of a self-help site called FlyLady (Finally Loving Yourself). One of the big things she suggests for people is to take one thing - she suggests shining the kitchen sink - and make sure you accomplish at least that every day. You can get a lot of satisfaction over small accomplishments and yes - my sink is shiny. No clue if my W has shined her's or not though.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
So I don't know if this is want I should have done but I looked at our phone records...there was a number that my husband had been texting like crazy...it was a girl. I called it and left a message and said that I would appreciate it if she would stop talking to my husband. Then I confronted my husband and he said he was so sorry and would stop. I feel like I want to beg and plead again that we fix things. Someone help me!!
Sweetie - this is why we asked you not to look. All we can do is give you a big hug.
On a good note - feel proud of yourself that you stood up for yourself and for your marriage and it worked - at least for now. You were lucky - for many people that sort of thing only makes it worse when their spouse refuses to stop like mine did. No matter what though - snooping will hurt you and you've been hurt a lot already.
Part of what we talk about here is detaching and letting go. Not because we want you to stop caring but so that you can have the space and room to heal and grow without getting hurt over and over again. You still have a lot of healing and growing to do.
Your Uncle A is sending you a special "you'll be OK girl" hug.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Looking at your phone records seems fairly benign to me. Confronting your H is OK too, I think. To let him know what is acceptable or not to you. The fact that he was sorry about it says that all his talk about filing D is ... at least he hasn't completely decided. Which is good.
But here's what you have to do: decide what you're going to do if he resumes. Or if you see some other evidence that he's cheating on you. You can confront him again, sure. But then what? If he crosses that boundary, what are YOU going to do? You can't force him to stop seeing other women. What can YOU do that is within your control? I'm not saying it will come to that -- but you have to think about it, so that you don't just make empty threats. More importantly, you have to make this into something that YOU are controlling about YOURSELF, rather than you trying to control his behavior.
Simple, but difficult.
And all easy for me to say as an armchair advisor.... I know this stuff is really hard to live through.
Be an excellent person, Z.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Looking at your phone records seems fairly benign to me. Confronting your H is OK too, I think. To let him know what is acceptable or not to you. The fact that he was sorry about it says that all his talk about filing D is ... at least he hasn't completely decided. Which is good.
But here's what you have to do: decide what you're going to do if he resumes. Or if you see some other evidence that he's cheating on you. You can confront him again, sure. But then what? If he crosses that boundary, what are YOU going to do? You can't force him to stop seeing other women. What can YOU do that is within your control? I'm not saying it will come to that -- but you have to think about it, so that you don't just make empty threats. More importantly, you have to make this into something that YOU are controlling about YOURSELF, rather than you trying to control his behavior.
Simple, but difficult.
And all easy for me to say as an armchair advisor.... I know this stuff is really hard to live through.
Be an excellent person, Z.
Thank you for this. I totally know what you are saying as I am wondering the same thing. He says he will not talk to other women anymore and he does sound genuine..more genuine than I've heard him sound in a really long time but he is also quite the liar so I don't know if I should really believe it or not. I didn't really threat with an ultimatum I just said that this was crap what he was doing and that something needs to start happening and I suggested counseling and he agreed to talking with the counselor. I know I have no leverage on him so I really don't have anything to threaten ya know? I just kept telling him that no one in this world is going to love him or work as hard for him as I will and that I've proven that through all that has gone on. I made sure I said this not in a begging way but I matter of fact stern way. That could be totally wrong as well. Could I count this as my "Ask for what you want" thing?
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
