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Looking at you like a leper is normal, my h has looked at me like this for a while. Then there's occasions he will notice. He even came onto me and told me he finds it difficult to be in the same room as me/look at me because he still desires me in THAT way.

Personally I see it as guilt, but that's me mind reading and we all know where that gets us!


Me 26 H 25
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So how do you get them to not look at you like that? I had a friend yesterday tell me that they think my husband is having an affair but I really have no idea. She said that is probably why he has no interest in me. I've asked him several times but he says no...not saying I totally believe him because he isn't the most honest person to begin with. But wouldn't I be finding little bits of something or something would kind of be going around town? My friend told me to look at phone records and I don't want to snoop. I seriously don't ask him where his is or what he does and I don't spy on him. We have barely any contact.


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Zanadoo,

Look back at my post about your focus..... wink

Mind reading....
Trying to predict the future....
Cheeseless tunnels....

Where is your focus today?


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
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WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Zanadoo - A couple of important things here that may be hard truths.

Originally Posted By: Zanadoo
I had a friend yesterday tell me that they think my husband is having an affair but I really have no idea.

Yes - your H may be having an A
No - there's nothing you can do about it unless you want to be the one pushing for a D. You can't control him.

Originally Posted By: Zanadoo
But wouldn't I be finding little bits of something or something would kind of be going around town? My friend told me to look at phone records and I don't want to snoop.
I live in a small village myself where the rumours run rampant. Just because you're not hearing about it doesn't mean that it's not being talked about if it's happening. "The spouse is the last to know" is often true. If people push you with rumours about your H, just say "He's a big boy and doesn't listen to me any more and can make his own messes" or something of that sort.

Snooping is something that we all do and it's something that we all regret. It twists you up no matter if you find anything or not. In fact it will give you gut punches when you are least able to endure them. Don't snoop. P.S. - Yes I do still snoop on what my W is up to myself by looking at her Facebook page and yes it hurts.

Your friends and family will all mean well and will all give you lots of advice on what you should or should not be doing. By coming here I can assume you want to reconcile with your H, reunite your little family and build a new marriage together. If people are giving you advice to not do that, then thank them kindly but say that you have made up your mind and appreciate their love and support.

One image that might help you is to imagine that both you and your H are lost in the fog. You are both wandering around in your own paths. What you need to do is to stop wandering and build yourself into a lighthouse. A shining beacon of a great Mom and a firecracker of a woman. It will take time for you to build this lighthouse. You'll need a good foundation and lay on courses of stones before finally lighting that beacon on the top. Your H and other people will probably wander by as you're doing this and think "Hey - a lighthouse!" and then wander off. He may even try to move in to the lighthouse before it's done. Once you feel confident and whole in yourself your beacon will light for all to see. Then and only then can you allow your H inside but first he'll need to make sure that he will abide by the rules of the lighthouse, not track mud on the floor and help polish the windows. Buried in the reading is the "Lighthouse Story" which I quite like. There's a corollary to it though - remember - you'll be the lighthouse, not the tugboat. Lighthouses don't run all over the island looking to be seen.

And yes - I write long stories with weird metaphors. I hope you get what I'm talking about. This is not an overnight process or a quick fix. I'm sorry my dear, but you've started on a journey that is going to take some time. How much time? No one can say.


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Andrew I love all of your information! I want to become the lighthouse that you speak of but I don't really know how. I guess maybe I'm wanting it to happen instantly and that is just not how it goes. It bothers me that my husband has absolutely no interest in me and I'm not sure how to gain his attention. But maybe that isn't the point? I feel like I always try to keep myself looking presentable except last friday I answered the door right after I got out of the shower. But it doesn't seem to do anything to him. Its just frustrating.


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Originally Posted By: AndrewP
take that gun out for a hour or two and get rid of a few varmints - 4 legged kind only please - you don't want THAT sort of trouble wink


This forum really needs some "like" and "love" buttons


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Originally Posted By: Zanadoo
Do you really think he notices me anymore? He acts like he wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole.


Z-- he just turned his own world upside down by leaving you and your girl, and is doing a lot of mental and emotional acrobatics to make HIMSELF feel like he isn't a total assohle. So yeah, he can't stand to look at you, because in his twisted mind you are the source of all his problems -- and you are, because it makes his conscience wake up.

At least that's what I imagine is happening.

Look, if you're not violent, if you don't have a substance abuse problem, then he should have worked things out with you like a mature, caring adult. He should have treated you with some respect, if not as a spouse and the mother of his child, then at least as another human being with deep feelings. Don't settle for anything less than that. Don't set the bar lower.

You'll see in this forum that it's very common for the one leaving to blindside the one left behind. The left-behind spouse (LHS) is baffled ... "What? But we were just very loving and affectionate?" "What? Just yesterday you kissed me so warmly." "What? We just made love last night."

Be a great Mom, Z. Be a great woman.


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Originally Posted By: Zanadoo
I'm not sure how to gain his attention. But maybe that isn't the point?
You answered your own question - bonus points!

One of the advantages that we have living in small towns is that you don't need to gain his attention. Everyone around you will see the changes in you and your confidence and will tell him. As you shine brighter and brighter he'll see.

You've already got a good foundation that just needs a few cracks patched. That young firecracker of a woman that you once were is still inside you - you just have to chase the mouse out.

One thing to remember as well, the goal here isn't to draw him in like he's on the end of a rope. You want him to come back of his own free will because it's what he wants to do. I know you've spent time around cattle. Which cow gives the best milk? The one that walks into the parlour and munches her feed while her over-full udder is emptied? At the end of the milking she feels like she's gained something, not given it. Or the one you have to drag and kick into the stall?

When you are ready for him he'll be knocking at your door. There is a chance though that he might not, or you might decide that he's not right for you. But you'll be a stronger, better you and I'm sure there'll be a line at the door waiting to come in.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Originally Posted By: Zanadoo
I'm not sure how to gain his attention. But maybe that isn't the point?
You answered your own question - bonus points!

One of the advantages that we have living in small towns is that you don't need to gain his attention. Everyone around you will see the changes in you and your confidence and will tell him. As you shine brighter and brighter he'll see.

You've already got a good foundation that just needs a few cracks patched. That young firecracker of a woman that you once were is still inside you - you just have to chase the mouse out.

One thing to remember as well, the goal here isn't to draw him in like he's on the end of a rope. You want him to come back of his own free will because it's what he wants to do. I know you've spent time around cattle. Which cow gives the best milk? The one that walks into the parlour and munches her feed while her over-full udder is emptied? At the end of the milking she feels like she's gained something, not given it. Or the one you have to drag and kick into the stall?

When you are ready for him he'll be knocking at your door. There is a chance though that he might not, or you might decide that he's not right for you. But you'll be a stronger, better you and I'm sure there'll be a line at the door waiting to come in.


haha! Thank you Andrew for the farming analogies! Love it! We don't have milk cows but I totally get what you are saying. It makes me think of my husband and I trying to get a heifer to take a new calf this spring. We had her tied off by her head and her back feet to let the baby nurse. She finally acted like she had accepted the calf while she was trapped in the barn but once we turned them loose out in the pasture she wouldn't let the calf within 10 feet of her.
I think what you all are trying to say is stop focusing on my husband and focus instead on myself and my daughter. I guess I have just felt so lost and worthless for so long being with him that this "finding myself" feels like uncharted territory that I'm a little afraid of. I'm not sure how to go about it. Thank you for all of your encouraging words smile I'm so glad I'm here!!


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Originally Posted By: ForGump
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
take that gun out for a hour or two and get rid of a few varmints - 4 legged kind only please - you don't want THAT sort of trouble wink


This forum really needs some "like" and "love" buttons


I also love this! I haven't gone out and shot anything in a long time! I used to love shooting groundhogs and birds! I was kind of a tomboy but still liked girly stuff as well and my husband never wanted me to come along when he was doing "Man Stuff" like shooting things and whatnot. I remember they had coyote hunting tournament a few years ago and I begged him to take me with him and he just said no he already had a partner that was one of his guy friends. They totally sucked out too! Haha!


Me: 27
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