ONJ -- sorry, that's just we old farts just having fun, taking up space on your thread. If you google "ONJ music", you'll see. I'm a product of the 80's.
STFU means don't engage him in relationship talk, don't criticize him, don't try to persuade, etc.
He moved out of your house, right? Then I wouldn't feel guilty about using any of the communal property. He chose all this. If he doesn't like it, tell him he's free to move back in.
If he's not interested in seeing his daughter at least 50% of the time, if he's not taking full responsibility while he has her ... he doesn't sound like such a great Dad to me. Sorry.
Many lawyers will do an initial consultation for a very reasonable fee ($0-200). This is a good way for you learn the basics of how a divorce works in your state, and a chance for you to ask lots of questions, so that you know what your rights are.
Be a great Mom. Be a great woman. Be a great person. Be kind but firm. If he still doesn't want you ... you deserve better.
Haha! All of these abbreviations have me a bit confused. Anyways... yes I would agree with you he might not be the greatest dad now that I think about it. It just seems like overall he just isn't overly responsible or feel the need to make a good choice. He almost always chooses the easy way. Honestly after reading a few posts on here I can't believe I let him make me feel guilty for living in our house that we bought together and driving our pickup that we also bought together. Why does he always get to me?? Wow!!! Am I dumb or what?!?!?
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
When I answered the phone he asked me what I was doing and how things were going. Is that a potential bit of progress or am I just grasping for straws?
It could be progress, it could be absolutely nothing, it could be just him feeling a little guilty. I wouldn't place any weight on it.
Don't feel guilty. He wants to break up the family, he left his wife and girl, house and car behind -- that's all on him.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
When I answered the phone he asked me what I was doing and how things were going. Is that a potential bit of progress or am I just grasping for straws?
It could be progress, it could be absolutely nothing, it could be just him feeling a little guilty. I wouldn't place any weight on it.
Don't feel guilty. He wants to break up the family, he left his wife and girl, house and car behind -- that's all on him.
Thank you for this. I am so glad I found all of you on here. Now when I think I'm going crazy I can vent and hash things out with people who totally understand what I am going through. Also, it is amazing how he [censored] me in to his manipulation. How do you stop being manipulated?
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
Good evening Zanadoo, You have met the welcoming committee and received much good advice today.
I have scanned your story and I am sorry you are here, but I can tell you, it is a good place to be under the circumstances. It literally saved me...
Your question is a good one
Quote:
How do you stop being manipulated?
The simple answer, is to identify when it is happening and to have pre set responses, or in worst case scenario, no response and walk away.... Simple right? I know it is not so easy though. I am a big believer that we have to put in much work to get through and heal after a BD, so....
I am going to give yo a little homework and ask that you share what you find and I can bounce your thoughts around with you. What do you say to this?
If you choose to accept, I am going to ask that you google your exact question here. you will find pages of strategies and information. Narrow down to some simple things that you can try. Use DB principles as your guide. Start with a beginners mindset. Know Wha you want. Stay out of cheerless tunnels Experiment and monitor. Keep track of the positive changes.
I will swing by tomorrow to see if you accept and your progress with putting in some work to heal, get stronger and manage your sitch.
Good luck. you are in the best place possible right now.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Zanadoo - I thought I'd pop my head in before work today and see how you're doing.
I don't know if you've ever watched any old westerns but I think the Calvary has just arrived.
You'll be fine.
I'll check in again a bit later. We're all here for you now just like I'm sure you'll be there for us.
Just to add a bit of extra homework and it's a few days away but the next time that H has your daughter - go fishing, or take that gun out for a hour or two and get rid of a few varmints - 4 legged kind only please - you don't want THAT sort of trouble
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Good evening Zanadoo, You have met the welcoming committee and received much good advice today.
I have scanned your story and I am sorry you are here, but I can tell you, it is a good place to be under the circumstances. It literally saved me...
Your question is a good one
Quote:
How do you stop being manipulated?
The simple answer, is to identify when it is happening and to have pre set responses, or in worst case scenario, no response and walk away.... Simple right? I know it is not so easy though. I am a big believer that we have to put in much work to get through and heal after a BD, so....
I am going to give yo a little homework and ask that you share what you find and I can bounce your thoughts around with you. What do you say to this?
If you choose to accept, I am going to ask that you google your exact question here. you will find pages of strategies and information. Narrow down to some simple things that you can try. Use DB principles as your guide. Start with a beginners mindset. Know Wha you want. Stay out of cheerless tunnels Experiment and monitor. Keep track of the positive changes.
I will swing by tomorrow to see if you accept and your progress with putting in some work to heal, get stronger and manage your sitch.
Good luck. you are in the best place possible right now.
I accept the challenge! I will get to doing my research. Thank you.
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
I hate to say it but I have one more task to add to the pile you've already been assigned. It may seem like a silly one, but trust me, this may be one of the most important things you do. Buried waay back in the reading that Cadet gave you which I encourage to get to is one important thing that made a huge change to me and may for you too.
Every day. And I mean Every day, I want you to take time in the morning to make sure you spend some time on yourself, making yourself look good. As your day frazzles you make what repairs you can as the day progresses so you are always looking your best. I'm not talking about getting all dressed up as well as you can, I'm talking about a busy young Mom who might be expecting a visit from her Uncle Andrew for a cup of tea and a chat. Milk in the cup first please with a drop of honey for sweetness.
In my case it used to be that when I was on vacation or on the weekends I used to skip shaving for a couple of days, would wear the same shirt a few days in a row and if I was working in the garden would have some stained old shop clothes that I would wear. My W never seemed to care unless I went into town in my old clothes (the rubber boots were a horror to her) so I allowed myself to be sloppy and not the best that I could be.
Now - every day even earlier this week when I was off sick - I get up, shower, shave, put on after-shave, make sure my hair looks nice and put on clean clothes that fit properly - or at least as properly as some of them do after dropping 50lbs because of stress / depression. Then I look at myself in the mirror and say "I look great today". When I started doing this I will admit it was to impress my W but it didn't take long for me to realize that I'm doing it for me.
I know it's tough with a little one but I'd like you to make this same effort. Not to impress your H (and he will be impressed) but for you. If you need extra motivation and perhaps as a joke if your H asks you why you are "dressed up" you can say that you thought your Uncle Andrew might be stopping by for a cup of tea and a visit.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Good morning! Thank you for checking on me! I will try to make sure I get up and make myself look nice. I've been doing that for a while. My husband left me in January as well and during that time I really didn't clean myself up in the beginning and then finally started and it made me feel so much better. Do you really think he notices me anymore? He acts like he wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. And I never notice him looking at me like he used to. Its weird...its like I'm a leper to him or something.
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
Andrew, I second this, I think I added this into my long welcome.
I'm a busy mom, and carer for my mil, but I always take some time to fix my hair, put on nice clothes, maybe a spot of make up and ALWAYS a good old spritz of perfume. It does make you feel good about yourself, as does a good brow wax or visit to the salon for a good haircut/colour. Though I do have elbow length hair- so it needs some extra love.
My wh has noticed, and compliments me. Even spewing he sometimes slips in there that he thinks I'm a beautiful woman. I just like to feel my best for my confidence. Him noticing is an added bonus.
I hope you're feeling a little less lost. My good friend SH gives fantastic reading and ted talks to help. And if you're one with a runaway mind it does help. My ex (before wh) was a bit of a nasty character, he was verbally and occasionally physically abussive. Looking back, I have no idea why I stayed with him, if you saw me before him and now, I was the last woman you would think would stay with a character like this. But he ground me down so that I felt like a timid mouse, after one of his episodes he would come out with apologies and ask me not to leave. I guess maybe I felt sorry for him, maybe I thought I could help him, idk.
It was only when h dropped this on me that I realised how damaged I was, and I found lots of ways to take control of my thoughts and build me back up. To be fair, a good lot of our r, my h was a lovely supportive man. Very caring (maybe a rescuer), and he helped and encouraged me to get stronger.
You will get there, a lot of patience is needed for db, it's a long journey.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
