Anyone have guidance on how long to do the last resort technique? I am new here. Married 23 years - Separated now since May 25 2016 when I took a job transfer (600 miles away) and she said she was right behind me and then did not come. Apparently planning this all along. We still text occasionally and are still friends/civil but no phone conversations. Sent a letter of "moving on with my life" on August 12. Discovered her first affair 2 years ago. Suspect she is currently involved with another man. Was a sexless marriage.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you! I have read MWD's book and am working my ways through the threads. Very encouraging. I am concerned that the LRT may not be effective in my case as I was emotionally distant in or M. But, anytime I try to talk about repairing the M, she immediately goes into gaslight mode. So, I am not sure what to do. Any ideas?
Me: 49 She: 44 Married: 23 years No Children Separated: 4 months
thank you, Cadet. I have read that post 3 times and I totally am convinced it is right. MY question was related to other comments I have read on this subject that a LBS who was emotionally distant (or perceived to be) might find it backfires because it is perceived as "same old situation by the WAW.
Me: 49 She: 44 Married: 23 years No Children Separated: 4 months
How was the majority of the marriage? When did it start getting worse? What would your W say the issues were? How long was it sexless, and who's decision was that? Why did W have an affair last time around? Why did she end it then? Did you two try to make any changes at that point?
Lot of questions, but I think that would help us all understand the dynamic a bit more.
Until then read everything you can, and don't make any major moves until the dust settles.
PS- I am reading my kids LOTR! I read it as a kid, but now it is totally different, and reading this with my S12 and D9 is making it my favorite book. We read the last chapter tomorrow, after over a year we are finally finishing it! I can't believe it! My S12 pointed out to me it took us as long to read as it took them to go on their journey and back. Anyway, love the screen name.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Majority of marriage was seemingly to me, fine. Last 3 have been a room mate situation. She left the marriage emotionally about 3 years ago I see now. Both of us are classic pain avoiders and I controlled the marriage - I see now that was digging my own grave. She had an affair about 2 years ago - went to counseling but she had already checked out (and I was just getting a clue to the damage I had done by being emotionally/physically distant).
The lack of sex drive was on my part (a lot to due with her weight gain - horrible I know - but just being honest). I Never had a strong libido but did not realize until recently how much resentment I was causing. I always let her initiate and occasionally declined. She never said a word about it until she was already gone (pain avoidance).
W would say issues were sex, emotional distance, controlling on my part (e.g. I handled all finances, rarely soliciting her input).
W had affair (I suspect - she never would talk about it) because of someone made her feel sexy/attractive.
She said she ended it because I hounded her for 5 weeks to do so and I think she partially hated herself for it but could not let go of OM because she felt loved and cherished and sexy for the first time in a long time.
We muddled through the last two years as room mates but when I tried to initiate intimacy I could see her wince. That led me to back off and we were right back into the same pattern.
So, that's why when I read that the LRT may backfire if the LBH has been emotionally distant I got worried that as much as I think this is EXACTLY what I need to do (and has given me confidence and hope) it may be the wrong approach for my situation.
I did pursue her pretty strongly when she did not follow me here to Dallas for my new job. But it was mainly in the form of letters expressing my love for her and my willingnes to work on the marriage. But I found out that this "escape" was the plan all along. And so I stopped the pursuing in mid August when I wrote her a heart felt "I am moving on with my life - if you ever sincerely want to work on our marriage you know how to reach me" letter. She said, "Thank you that was helpful" and that was it. So, I have stuck by LRT religiously since mid-August. No sign of change but no talk of D either.
Thanks for asking, I have tried to be brief! Would appreciate any counsel from those who have been through this. Already learning SO much just reading the threads all day!
Me: 49 She: 44 Married: 23 years No Children Separated: 4 months
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I was very similar to you. I've been emotionally detached for a very long time. I thought I was working hard to support my W and my family by ensuring that I provided for them financially but I put to much of my time and effort into my work and not into my W and family. My priorities were completely out of whack. On top of that, my work made me MISERABLE so when I was home, I wasn't pleasant to be around. I was constantly stressed out, anxious and irritable. Who wants to live with that!? It wasn't on purpose, but I made everything about me and my issues. I neglected the emotions and feelings of everyone else. And I came across as very controlling. Again, not on purpose. I was trying so hard to control the stresses in my life that it affected every other relationship in my life and in effect controlled how they could behave around me (walking on glass). So I can understand why you think the LRT would backfire. But if your W is having an A and is currently "done" with the M, it doesn't matter what you do to try and be more emotionally present right now. In fact, that is the last thing she wants. What did I do? I deployed the LRT and went dark. I began working on my issues. I 180'd and GAL. I started becoming more emotionally available to my daughters, friends and family. I left my W alone. I let her stew in the mess she created for herself and spent that time working on me. When my W and I started piecing, she told me that it bothered her that I wasnt pursuing her (while she was having an A!?!?!?!?!) and complained about it to a friend. The friend told her that if I had pursued, it would have only pushed her further away and my W agreed with that. If you detach, 180 and GAL, and if you are genuine about the changes you are making in your life, your W WILL notice, even if those changes arent directed at her. If you are making those changes only for her benefit, she will see right through it. You must be making these changes for YOU; so that you are a better person for YOU. Read and follow Sandi's rules. Read and absorb all of Sandi's reflections. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
