my s31 sent me the Rhianna video of her song "b1tch better gimme my money", so that I'd be more motivated to get appropriate spousal support (as opposed to the zero h is offering).
The video is hilarious in context, and is now my new fighting song. You may want to check it out.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Mighty, my sweet, you know this is a process. It takes time.
I'm at 5.5 years, 2 years post divorce, and it's just now starting to feel like normal is once again achievable.
Grief and PTSD are my old friends. They live on either side of me. We have learned to do things together, as opposed to my pretending they don't exist. I took them to this cool champagne bar/used bookstore last weekend.
I think we have scars from this journey--scars that prove we loved hard and we didn't take it laying down when our spouses went wackadoo.
I can't wait to see what good things are around your corner. Asheville is only a short drive away :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Seriously. SUPER FUN. Mimosa and weird champagnes and coffee and other stuff in case you don't drink. All in a old building packed with used books. Battery Park.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
We have a "yarn" shop that now has a liquor license. People go in, knit, crochet, etc., and can indulge while they are there. I think a used book store w/an assortment of liquor as well as coffee and some snacks would be a hit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
And if your h can hurt the people who loved him the most, and emerge unscathed, then he is not one to feel anything in depth. Or authentically.
And if he is haunted by what he did and simply won't ever tell you or tell anyone, then so be it. I mean, it's sort of either or. Maybe I'm only saying this to console myself (and I for sure am partly for that!) I have no secrets in my life.
I cannot make sense of this type of behavior in another way. Your h can have those haunted feelings every time there is a big event, good or bad. Graduations, weddings, funerals, and other life events, -
every time he has one big event only with his new life/new fan base, he knows it's not the "original" one. That it might have been with the "real" family, but for his choices...so he can have a life filled with second guessing.
And if you all share a family event with him, he will always be the one who left, who knows that he blew up the original family and - for what? Her greatness? Ugh...
or More money?? Oh wait, about that money, some of is what he withholds from you and the kids you share...
when the day comes that someone (you) actually calls him on it, it might be the first time it occurs to him that he's selfish and oblivious. Oh well.
But to be clear, there's a better than even chance he just won't go there at all - keeping his observations shallow. There is a good chance he cannot look deeply within and face the wreckage he created, and thus he must hide a part of himself even from himself.
I think the best second guessing is what he'll do when he knows you are happy and content.
Thank you 25 for this ^^^.
This is "stuff" is one of the pots that simmers on my backburner. All. The. Time.
It is incomprehensible to me that someone can be disconnected from themselves that they can look away from the carnage they have created. My therapists assures me there are those out there that do this and do it rather well.
The denial or self absorption or inability to reflect or lack of insight, whatever it is, runs so deep, as does the pain, that they just cannot do it.
I often wonder how this translates to other areas of their lives?
One of the great things about detachment is it does eventually help you step back from 'how could they do this' to 'what kind of person would do'. I think when you're reeling from the rollercoaster, it is hard to see the wood for the trees. Or to remember the normal bell curve of adult behaviour...we literally forget what normal looks like while we are trying to make sense of our spouse's words and actions.
It isn't normal or healthy to make life-changing choices without thinking of the effects on you and others. It isn't normal or healthy to create carnage and think it is someone else's job to tidy it up. It isn't normal or healthy to blame others for the consequences of your own actions. It isn't normal or healthy to hurt people and feel no need to say sorry or take actions to stop or make amends. It isn't normal or healthy to think that only your needs matter or to walk away from people who love you with no remorse or empathy.
People do it because they are not normal or healthy people. Might be just for a while, might be for ever. You and me couldn't do it, and that's why this stuff is so hard to understand, because we are essentially normal, healthy functioning adults. My H has been seeing a $350 an hour psychiatrist for almost 2 years. He claims this week that he has 'vanquished his demons' and gained 'insight'...evidentally not because his behaviour is still a million miles from a normal healthy adult, even one that has created carnage and is now trying to deal with it. What's that work out at? About $20000 roughly. If I were him, I'd be asking for a refund!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Wow! Like a big hug from old friends... Thanks, guys. I'm smitten...
Ellie, thanks for that reminder. You told me to let go or be dragged many moons ago and it def helped me. The thought of being dragged behind that hot mess express was more than cringe-worthy, and I dropped it quickly!
I suppose every once in a while I walk over to that wretched rope and start to reach for it. You were like the momma bear reminding her cub- DANGER! Don't you even! I ran away. Thanks for that. I know I can count on you.
Hi Cali! Great to hear from you. And I agree, I think progression is good to keep an eye on. For awhile I thought, "Wow! how do some of the posters get over it?" Then I got really ahead of myself and thought, "Wow! How do some of the posters still feel like they cycle after so many years?" Now, I get it. You get over it... but.... yeah.. Hope you are well, my friend!
25- Whoa. I read your post a few times. You nailed it. Some good stuff there. And you certainly refreshed my thoughts with some good old fashioned perspective.
I often think, he's gotta be a pretty lonely guy inside. He's lost a lot, regardless of whatever monetary gains he thinks he can use to fulfill... but I'm not entirely convinced they will do the trick. But it's all speculation on my part, and none of it should or does even matter. I am living a good life. I'm def happier and doing things the old me would have pursued, prior to the stifling marriage I participated in. So that's a good thing. (See Ellie! I'm doing it, girl!) However, part of me has simply died, I think. Things I used to love to do, I just don't anymore. And I can't explain why. I want to, but I just don't find enjoyment in many things. I have tried to revitalize my feelings there, and it's dead. Ugh. That stinks. But thanks, 25, for the thoughtful post. I appreciate your time and thoughts. And yeah, get it Rhianna! This will be my wedding gift to him.
HEATHER! You aren't going to believe this! I was invited to Asheville this fall! My aunt lives there. My cousin has a business 2 miles from Battery Park! OMG! Girl, I have an email for you, but I think it was through your previous employer. Hmph... gotta work on this. Oh! and you sound so fab. I wouldn't expect anything less. You are awesome.
Fighton- sorry you are struggling. And yeah, how they can carry on with the disaster left behind. Unreal.
I recently thought about the literal disaster left behind. On top of the family destruction, our house was torn up. Roughed-in additions, untouched. We didn't have insulation for 3 winters. Where I live, that unreal. We went without a kitchen for a long time. We kept a fridge in the garage, but no oven or stove or even kitchen sink. We kept dishes in a laundry basket and washed them in the bathroom. Pretty different life then the one he was living as he and hww were setting up shop and playing house. How he can live with that is beyond me.
Treasure- you are right. And I did spend a lot of time reading into his actions, thinking of the why's and how's and even making assumptions and worse... excuses. Fact is, it is what it is.. and I just would never put up with that from anyone. Just took me awhile to decide I wouldn't put up with it from him either. He's sick. She's sick. They can have each other.
Meanwhile: xh was going to take d16 shopping yesterday. No shocker there. Although she has tempered down the mall excursions with dear ol' dad, he was using he opportunity on various levels.
He said he was taking her 3 hours away to the biggest mall in the state. She was like, alright, whatev... The day before he said hww and her son were going too. She was like, no. He said the whole trip was actually her idea and she arranged it and they are spending the night. He just never relayed that part to d16. Turns out, her son will be starting kindergarten, so of course she has to take him to the biggest mall in the state and spend the weekend shopping for a 5 year old. BC.... that's how they roll. Everything I want my kids NOT to be.
So, d16 asked if they could just spend the day together doing something else. Just the 2 of them. She even offered to go to his house and just hang out since no one else would be there. He said no, he's going with them. So, another opportunity to spend a day with d16, and he opted out- making a choice to spend a day in over-indulgence with her son, buying $50 dinosaur tee-shirts or something, over spending some real quality time with his daughter. Eh, some things never do change. D16 spend the day fishing, instead. Yeah, my kid has a fondness for fishing these days. Not sure where this comes from, exactly, and I find it humorous. But, she did inform me, "Ya know, mom... how you like to go by the water and think and have some peace... it's like that. I like to go there too, but I like to fish too because it gives me something to do while I'm there." It's entertaining.. and s20 and I get a kick out of it. If you saw d16, you wouldn't necessarily imagine- fisherman! But, go girl! Do you!
Turns out, her son will be starting kindergarten, so of course she has to take him to the biggest mall in the state and spend the weekend shopping for a 5 year old.
Seriously? A 5 year old? WTF happened to going to Target or Kohl's?
OK - now you KNOW that your ex is going to end up broke and in debt if he marries someone with these financial priorities. And you can just laugh all the way to the bank when you're enjoying your well-deserved stable retirement, when the time comes.
