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A Message from Michele
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Re: Maybell 40 [Re: Zues126] #2711283
10/20/16 05:19 AM
10/20/16 05:19 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,186
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Ginger1 Offline
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I'm sorry you are so tired and stressed. I know when I get exhausted I get completely overwhelmed and I can't handle one more minute of it. But then when things calm down again, I feel like I can again take on the world.

I can give you some suggestions on how to make it easier, but eh, I don't think that's what you need right now.

So I'm going to tell you to hold on tight. let the things go that can. Your house can be a mess as long as your kids are fed and clean. The family could eat some crap food until thing calm down a bit.

Fine, I will make one suggestion, and it's helped me. My D would like me to be at everyone of her football/cheerleading games, even on her dad's time. I take atleast 2 in the season where I say I'm sorry, but I can't make it. She gets over it pretty fast. Maybe if your ex will be at the tournament you can step out for a bit, do something nice for yourself and let him root them on.

Zues, villages used to raise kids. When I was talking to my IC, she said to look up some local single parent groups where everyone kid of takes turns doing things. Someone will cook dinner for everyone at night, someone will take care of all the kids while one gets stuff done. I've been thinking about starting something like that locally.

I hired a cleaning service for once a month yesterday. Something had to give for me too. And after work, school, kids, activities, I just don't have it in me to scrub toilets. So I hired someone to do it. If you could budget in a little bit of help, it might be worth it.

Hang in there. You've got this.

Re: Maybell 40 [Re: Ginger1] #2711295
10/20/16 06:07 AM
10/20/16 06:07 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Zues126 Offline
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We used to stay in marriages too wink

That would be cool G.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re: Maybell 40 [Re: Zues126] #2711297
10/20/16 06:12 AM
10/20/16 06:12 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,186
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Ginger1 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Zues126
We used to stay in marriages too wink

That would be cool G.


You popped into my mind this morning, Zues.

On the radio D9 and I heard that Vanilla Ice and his wife are getting divorced after 20 years of marriage. I said that's so sad. She said "20 years? That's a long time! They are probably too used to eachother now"

I wanted to cry. My daughter does not believe marriage should be forever. I told her when you marry someone you should both do the best no matter what, to stay married forever, because that's what marriage is. Unfortunately, she's only know marriages to fall apart. Her parents, her grandparents, close friends......

Her solution? She says she doesn't want to have a husband and she is going to adopt a child. (and she says I'm going to help her raise the child)

I can't tell you how heartbroken I am that she feels this is the way things are.

Re: Maybell 40 [Re: Ginger1] #2711313
10/20/16 07:30 AM
10/20/16 07:30 AM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,623
Midwest
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DonH Offline
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Posts: 1,623
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Perhaps I'm going too global here but it's not just your D. It seems like more and more the world has just decided that the norm now days is D and you don't stay together. I've watched the married at first site series as while I'd never do it in a lifetime, the concepts are interesting to watch - how love is a choice and M is hard, hard work! The thing is, one lady wound not even try for more than a week - never mind the six weeks it's supposed to be, she was out after a single week! Another had a fight and she moved out three weeks in. Just ran away - while still saying she was committed!!! Even these people who claim they want M more than anything are out at the first struggle. That's just how the world has gotten. It is so sad but even more sad it's not just you D. She could very well have parents and grand parents still happily married and still have these feelings. And you will help her raise a child - yep that's right out of today's playbook as well.

So I'm likely not making you feel better but at least know it's not you or what you have done - it's way more wide spread than that.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Maybell 40 [Re: Zues126] #2711315
10/20/16 07:51 AM
10/20/16 07:51 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
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SunnyB Offline
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SunnyB  Offline
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Posts: 2,685
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Originally Posted By: Zues126
Maybe we should all move next to Sunny?
Hey, I'm up for that if you are. Maybell and I have talked about getting a duplex. It's really not a bad idea. LOL

I'm about to take a new job, it's the equivalent of the job I wanted all those years ago when I became June Cleaver instead. I really don't know how I'm going to do it, I'm looking to you guys for inspiration. And help with the laundry.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Maybell 40 [Re: SunnyB] #2711483
10/21/16 04:59 AM
10/21/16 04:59 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline OP
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I appreciate everybody weighing in.

Zues, I'm not salaried -- I'm commission only, and I've never held a sales job before. Taking this on has stretched me WAAAAAY out of my comfort zone. I am one of a very small number of single moms in my organization in the COUNTRY doing this job, and and with less family support than most.

I am fortunate that my settlement was generous enough that I can afford things like childcare and cleaning help, but there are things that can't be delegated -- like homework oversight, etc. -- that I'm struggling to keep up with. D13 and I have agreed that if I sign up for a meal service like Blue Apron she and the boys will help prepare more dinners so we can have planned family meals rather than scavenging the fridge at the last minute because I'm too tired to cook what I had intended.

Additionally, I did only move a year ago. My house is still a work in progress. My routines aren't set in a way that makes the household run smoothly. If that were all in place, I'd be way better off.

I spent the first three months in this profession failing. I'm about to conclude my second three months and while they're significantly better, I still have a long way to go. I'm not accustomed to failure and there has been a TON to learn as I'm expected to be a top producer at the same time. I'm poised now to take off. But I am so tired.

On a slightly different note, D13 was telling me how one of her best friends (also 13) recently broke up with her boyfriend because he was pressuring her to start kissing him -- because his friends were teasing him that they hadn't yet. She told me that she felt really badly for him because he's diagnosed with depression and takes medication for it and that he was extra depressed because her friend had broken up with him. He asked my girl to intercede for him (thankfully she had the sense to decline). I told her that there would always be that pressure and that a girl should never acquiesce to something she wasn't ready to do herself. That the boy was going through something all boys would go through and that his depression couldn't be an excuse for giving him what he was asking for. That she should be prepared to see that pressure happening for the next thirty years and that she needed to decide how she wanted to handle it for herself.

She said: "Thirty years? I'll be 43! You don't expect me to be, like, married, when I'm 45?"

So not everybody expects life to go awry. I'm glad she still has faith in the institution, although it's clear that her faith in her dad has gone down the toilet.

I laughed and told her I had no idea what her future held, because she is so much her own person.

Sometimes things go ok. I will get a little rest this weekend, even if it's not enough.

Thanks for letting me vent here.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: Maybell 40 [Re: Maybell] #2712170
10/25/16 09:23 AM
10/25/16 09:23 AM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Denver
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Maybell,

I come offering hugs and coffee (or tea). It wasn't terribly long ago that I was in your shoes and feeling hopeless and full of despair. The important thing is that you have emotional support - if only to say we have your back and you're gonna be okay.

So, the only thing I can do is tell you that how you're feeling is completely understandable and normal. You're ok. You're not imagining that a 13 year old girl is hateful one moment and loving/helpful the next. Dare I say to make a mental trip back to 13 and recall how you were? My sister says it best: we were trolls. Hideous, awful trolls. The only reason my D22 was not a troll at 13 (she was delayed LOL) was because she was so in love with volleyball at that age and her devotion to the cause eclipsed everything else. Once that devotion was behind her (you know, the blind devotion), she became a troll. A hideous, manipulative and mean troll. Five short years ago, I probably cried more than I ever cried in my life.

I also understand the pressure you have at work. I'm self employed and I pay everyone else before I take anything. I haven't paid myself all year, thanks to predictably horrible corporate purchasing (or lack thereof) during election years. crazy Going 100% commission takes balls, and I wish I could find someone like you to come work for me. So swing those balls around with confidence, because it takes a confident and capable person to make that work. Give yourself a little time to kick into gear, and once you do, you're gonna kick ass. Hopefully, your employer has your back as well.

I moved less than a year ago and my house (and furnishings) are not settled either. There are days when I feel motivated, but most days I'm too tired to continue. I hire a handyman when my list exceeds 4 items that overwhelm me. I'm at that point again myself.

I keep a clip board of paper and write down stuff that needs to be done. When my D22 was at home, I deliberately kept it out in the open so she could see what chores were present just to keep our family going. When she was feeling helpful, she'd do some stuff on my list - like mow the lawn. You've got 3 kids, so perhaps your list would get some more assistance? It surprised me at how much happier I was at home when I felt supported.

The last (and most important) thing I want to say is that you absolutely MUST schedule some time for self care. It's a disciplined way of creating balance in your life - mainly the balance of staying sane with 3 kids and nourishing yourself.

I might have mentioned here at some point one of the best penance assignments I ever received. It was Christmas time, and I told my pastor in the confessional that I was a lousy mother... that I lost my temper too often and took my stress out on the girls. When I finished going on about how unhappy I was about the job I was doing (or not doing), he looked me in the eyes and said, "When was the last time you scheduled some fun for yourself? And I don't mean scheduling around your XH's schedule. I mean prioritizing yourself over everyone else." I told him that I couldn't remember. Instead of 3 Hail Mary's and 3 Our Father's, my pastor told me that my penance was to hire a babysitter and go out with my girlfriends and have a damn good time. When I looked at him with a WTF expression, he said, "In order to be a balanced person who can do the job you're doing, you have to not only show yourself that you know how to take care of yourself, but you teach others that you're important too."

I've never forgotten that, Maybell. I can't be a martyr and expect balance and fulfillment. Besides, you and I didn't sign up for martyrdom. All we want is some breathing room.

BTW, since abandoning my menu due to lack of time was my strong suit, I developed an extreme fondness for my crock pot. I have a couple super cookbooks devoted to the crock, and my BIL and I share recipes all the time. I have a timer for the nights where we get home later so things don't dry out. It's a lifesaver! If the recipe requires chopping anything, I do it the night before... when D22 was home, we'd use that time to do it together and catch up. Even when we weren't talking much. Right now, I use the crock pretty much every Sunday so that I can have the day off from cooking, and we have leftovers for Monday night. It's a winner!

And good for you for listening to your D13's stories. I can't stress enough how it might be a lifeline later in her teen years to know that you listen. My D22 is now going through something that has her questioning everything in her life, including her BF of 3 1/2 years. It's super hard to watch someone you love be so unhappy. But my job is to coach her as she figures it out. I wound up recommending a book on fear by Susan Jeffers, and she got started reading it yesterday. Anyway, it didn't get to this without a whole lot of stuff in between.

I have an air freshener in my car that has long lost the freshening capabilities. It's an owl with a saying that I love: Love the life you live. It's kind of a constant reminder to live in the moment.

Good luck and hugs to you!

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: Maybell 40 [Re: Underdog] #2712172
10/25/16 09:38 AM
10/25/16 09:38 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,041
NY
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Posts: 13,041
NY
Originally Posted By: Underdog
My D22 is now going through something that has her questioning everything in her life, including her BF of 3 1/2 years. It's super hard to watch someone you love be so unhappy. But my job is to coach her as she figures it out. I wound up recommending a book on fear by Susan Jeffers, and she got started reading it yesterday. Anyway, it didn't get to this without a whole lot of stuff in between.

Me thinks Volleyball withdrawal, she is in transition having graduated from college - I have faith in her that she will get through this transition too!


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: Maybell 40 [Re: Cadet] #2713578
11/01/16 10:38 AM
11/01/16 10:38 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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I'm struck by your feelings for Mr Fantastic because I've something similar for XW, although maybe not as strong. But I feel slighted and resentful, that's for sure. And, like you, I want to let go.

I've realized that when I have small arguments with her (or with anyone), I get most upset when I can't admit that I'm also at fault. I spin my strong arguments, somehow trying to stretch them to cover my faults.

I wonder if that's what I'm doing with my D: I spin on how that she did wrong, including the cheating, hiding and lying. And I'm right about that. But it also prevents me from thinking of what I did wrong. I'm no fan of Mr Fantastic, so it's hard to see what you did wrong, but perhaps it's accepting his behavior for so long? Letting him hurt you way past a reasonable point? Staying there, exposed to his abuse, when you should have run?

So what if, instead of forgiving Mr Fantastic, it was a bit about forgiving yourself?


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Maybell 40 [Re: Mozza] #2715840
11/13/16 08:34 PM
11/13/16 08:34 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline OP
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Maybell  Offline OP
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Mr. Fantastic's sister's family is coming up for Thanksgiving. I'm going out of town with My Guy for the week but will be back the evening before they leave to get my kids. D13 wants me to arrange to spend some time with my former SIL. She's even offered to put it together for me. I am not averse... but I don't know how to do it, because I don't want to include Mr. F at all. And I don't want to spend a whole meal with my former SIL, partly because I will have spent about 10 hours that day driving and partly because, well, it's been 2 1/2 years, with one phone call and a few FB messages in all that time, and I just don't feel the need to stretch for her.

Mr. F's family took the news of his desire to split very much in stride, in spite of all the reasons they should have had to question him. My former SIL called me the week before he moved out and listened to me sobbing on the phone and never once followed up. I love my daughter and I don't want to hurt her, but really, it is too much to ask that I maintain a relationship with people who were ok with my being thrown over like a piece of moldy cheese.

That being said... I have been really looking forward to Thanksgiving with My Guy. Things with him are cooking along pretty nicely. We had one big argument over Halloween which we patched up the next day. I like that our arguing gives me the opportunity to see where I'm being unreasonable (and therefore to grow) and also gives me the opportunity to say, This is really important to me and here's why. I don't know if he's my One but I love being with him and the relationship thing is becoming more comfortable.

D13 will be starting with a therapist tomorrow. Three weeks ago things got REALLY bad and I threw in the towel. I saw the therapist myself a week and a half ago and liked her. Today I broke the news to D13 and said, this is necessary because we can't be fighting all the time for the next five years. We need to know how to get along with each other. That's why we're doing this. Some of the time it will be my girl and some of the time it will be me and some of the time it will be the two of us together.

Work is sometimes easier and sometimes harder. I'm trying to create more systems and routines for making my life work more smoothly and some pieces of it are coming together. My next area of focus is exercise. I haven't been exhausted to the point of debilitated in the last two weeks so hopefully I'm turning some kind of corner there.

Not sure how to close this... I want to kind of shout "I'm in love!" But on the other hand that's not exactly how I feel. I am in love. smile But it's this very nice, quiet kind of love, companionate and also passionate at the same time, fun, but supportive. Not even the way I wish it could be but our situations are totally uneven because of the kids. So I'm doing the best I can. Which is not bad at all.

I may change my tag line back to "All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well." That was my first tag line here, and back in 2014 it was a statement of faith and hope, not of conviction. Now I'm starting to see that it's true.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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