Just checking in here to journal a bit. I've admittedly been reading on MLC alllllll morning and afternoon to get perspective on where his head may be at. I know, I know...my attempts at guessing are futile and pointless, but I think it's something that I need right now.
A couple things- a few weeks ago he mentioned moving away with a friend to a specific location and during our convo 2 days ago he mentioned moving back home to where his family is. I know he doesn't know WHAT he wants and maybe plan A fell through, but it is interesting to think he may go back to his childhood home... Even if it's a fleeting feeling for him. He hated it back there.Always complained about his family. According to him, they were horrible people and he dismissed many of them throughout the years.
Of course I'll never know what's going through his head and heart, but I wonder if he's wanting to reconnect or if he misses family in general. The only family he had here was my family. They accepted him, accommodated him, and welcomed him in with open arms. They felt the loss of his exit and were extremely sad to learn we were no longer together. Technically, he's been without family for almost 2 years now.
The other thing he mentioned during the convo was how he didn't expect the papers to get filed the day he filled them out. He made a comment about how he wasn't sure about filing that day, but the office encouraged it. What I got from it was there was a very brief hesitation about filing right then and there, but he thought it was best to help us both move forward so he did it.
Honestly, I don't know if I'm looking for a needle in a haystack here..... It's just clear that he doesn't know what he's doing and I have no idea if any of that uncertainty lies in me or the marriage.
Any thoughts or observations as an outsider looking in?
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
As you are already aware, they don't know which end is up and their minds change very quickly. I know you need to understand what is going on, but you are definitely searching for a needle in the haystack. We all have been right where you are and can understand the "need to know/understand".
About him moving back home, he needs to go back to where it all began and if that means moving back there, then he'll do it. It also means reconnecting w/the people he complained about. What you will find interesting, when he moves back, he will think that they are all great and what he disliked before has been thrown out the window. It's their way of trying to relive their past lives and yes, back to the time whereby they were stunted emotionally. It's very sad, but they have to do this to better understand themselves and also to find themselves.
For now, I would try to keep my anxiety level on low. What he's doing is very normal for someone in MLC. I would continue to try to focus on yourself and keep moving forward. Right now, he's exploring a world from his past and no one knows what he'll discover while there. We can only hope that he finds his answers and begins to grow up and want to return home to his family.
I don't think anyone can tell what he is thinking, including himself.
Feyth I wish was there was some magic answer, but there can be no insight or observations or breakthrough really. In my case my H is supposedly honest with me now about what he wants and how he's been feeling. Apparently he is "done", he never loved me, he needs to find himself etc etc. Who knows how much of that is true. If he never loved me he sure went to great lengths to show love for 16 years, so that makes him what? A liar? A sociopath? Who knows. I gave up trying to understand what goes on in his head. I'm not where I should be in relation to detachment or GAL, but I know that I cannot believe a word he says, because he doesn't know what's going on in his own head anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is go with the trusted "believe nothing he says and half of what he does" motto, and just look after yourself xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Feyth, it's so difficult, isn't it. I, too, am wrestling with the notion of trying to understand and knowing that it's impossible to understand the irrational.
I guess for me what makes it so hard is that my MLC'er was once so rational. He was thoughtful and seemed to thoroughly think through the consequences of his actions. But now? Well, he tells me he is thinking things through, but his decisions are so self-centered and selfish it is difficult to understand.
Thanks for your input job, esame, and fight. I AM searching for something (aka answers) as if there was something I can do about our looming divorce. It's so surreal to me.
I had a blast tonight.... To be honest this posting may a little bit beer induced, but I'm so happy and had a great night. It was a bowling charity event with some NFL players. Didn't think about my sitch once. As always, a welcome reprieve.
However, I did think about it for most of the day prior to my event this evening..... I'm so freaking scared of standing my ground with him. Let's be real, he's in MLC so he made me a rediculous (I mean rediculous) offer that equates to less than 2% of our assets. I'm kind of afraid of saying anything further, but no matter what, there will be a fight even if I'm fighting for equality and not a dime more. It freaks me out. I know he's going to think I'm a nasty person for opposing him at all ( kind of how it was for the whole marriage ). Regardless, I don't want the fight but I have to stand up for myself regardless if it's going to make him angry. Ugh.... I hate this. Why do people get divorced? This is so awful!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hi Feyth, the early formula I came up with was we take our total assets. Then we each take what we came in with and we split the rest 50/50. XH suggested various things and I used to get anxious whenever I stood up for my own interests.
However, in my mind I also felt I didn't want to get cheated on and screwed over in a settlement. So I quietly stood my ground, worked through my L and ours was a low conflict and polite D.
Glad you had a good time at the bowling Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hey Feyth. 2% of your assets? Unbelievable. Except during D. Sitting through mediation and getting each proposal brought in from the "other side" was infuriating. I kept thinking, "who is this guy?" and remembering I actually was head over heels in love with him, and at one point actually trusted him with my life.
I'm glad you had a fun time bowling. GAL, GAL, GAL. It will make this so much easier.
I'm still cycling, searching for reasons, analyzing every detail. I keep getting new info or stories from people about H (now and in the past) that cause me to see something differently. Its getting easier, but still, as you said, very surreal. We just don't get to control any of it; only how we react to it.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I'm not being forced through a D but Mediated Separation instead.
One appointment so far and already my W is saying I'm being unfair, she has a very strange idea of what equates to 50/50! To avoid getting too emotionally involved I'm going to engage my L & obtain an objective perspective on what the split of assets/custody should be. Then if my W says I'm "trying to screw her over!" or I'm being bitter/nasty about the separation, my proposal will actually be the L's recommendation; don't know if you can do the same to try and remove yourself from H's firing line?
Nice to hear you're still having some fun times during all this.
Me 50, ExW 49 T21, M13+ S15, S13 BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY) Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts Oct-2016 W petitions for D Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed Jun-2018 D'd
On the D/Mediation front I think the thing that makes me grin the most is "Amicable" which I have learned means the MLCr gets their way.
Nothing wrong with standing your ground, in my sitch I did not want D, she finally filed as I would most likely never would never have done it. So now that she has .. that's fine ... enter the DB "Im sorry you feel this way D is not want I want". However if this is what she wants there is a price that comes with it, call it reality but it is what it is. Any dollar I leave on the table in my mind is a dollar I just gave away on my sons behalf. Even if I did not have kids I would be rewarding her, her MLC and the bad behavior that came with it .... Its not bitter, its business at this point.
Hello, Just a quick check in. I appreciate all your posts and insights so much. I really want to return the favor, but I'm needing some selfish time to process things. I'm having a hard time keeping up on threads.
I did have a good laugh at your comment, Cali. Yes, absolutely! Amicable is amicable only if we concede to what they want. Eeeesh.
My GAL is on steroids for the next two weeks and I need to find some time to continue to train for my marathon and still get my d paper work in order. It blows my mind how quick my lawyer is. Holy smokes. Its moving soooooo fast.
Think about h a lot. I wonder if there's any part of him that is second guessing this. Doesn't do me any good.... But I wish I knew.
That's all for now. Be well.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
