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job #2706387 09/25/16 12:00 AM
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Job,

I know you're right. As Jack_Three_Beans advised previously I need to do better with my anger/resentment, use it as a shield rather than a sword. If I'm feeling the same way when she arrives home later, will make a quick escape and go off to the gym or go whack some tennis balls.

BTW Job do you ever sleep or take a break from the board? smile


Me 50, ExW 49
T21, M13+
S15, S13
BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY)
Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts
Oct-2016 W petitions for D
Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed
Jun-2018 D'd
HTM #2707880 10/03/16 07:14 AM
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Friday evening W finds out I have an appointment this week to speak to my L. I’m somewhat detached but still too emotionally embroiled in all this to deal with splitting finances/custody objectively, feel it best to confirm my legal position ahead of the next Mediation meeting.

W starts on about her sizeable pension, as she did in the first Mediation appointment, and keeps saying/thinking I’m going to ‘screw her over’ when splitting finances because of it. I’m approaching this with no ill will, just after a fair financial settlement to ensure Ss & I don’t suffer because W wants to separate. Even the Mediator explained to both of us that pensions are joint marital assets. If W had done her homework, rather than just listen to hearsay from SILs/friends/etc., she’d be aware of this. As you can imagine some of this talk causes W to spew, on a couple of occasions I walk away, managed to validate a little but still get drawn into some of it.

I get up the next morning, go into the kitchen for coffee and notice W at the bottom of the garden on her mobile; probably reporting back to a sister/friend about the discussion the evening before. When she comes back into the kitchen the topic of mediation/separation comes up again, this time I handle the situation better; no anger, no retaliatory remarks, validate plenty and even apologise for my true failings in the MR when the opportunity arises.

During this longer discussion W mentions -en passant- my change in attitude/action wrt domestic chores over the last nine months; good to know some things are getting noticed without me bringing it to her attention.

On the downside, W is now throwing in threats about me losing shared custody of Ss if I don’t play fair -read: ‘do what she wants’- wrt split. Even though the court order against me has been discharged, I think W feels she has a stronger legal position because it was in place at some point; I’m not so sure but will check this w/ my L.

Going into observation mode during this discussion, I note W keeps using the words ‘mine’, ‘hers’, never ‘ours’ as I do when referring to joint finances, the house or Ss. Also, this is the first time we discuss last months mediation appointment but I get the impression W thinks the Mediator is on her side!

As the talk of finances meanders, W brings up loaning me money years ago when I had some credit difficulties while at Uni. I don’t ever recall her giving me any money at all. I dealt with the situation myself by negotiating with the bank to freeze the interest, took out student loans and worked two part-time jobs to pay off my debts.

I really can’t account for my W’s memory and where she digs up these allegations. Earlier in this crisis I would have been so confused as to doubt myself/memory but I’m getting wise to this now.

Over the remainder of the weekend W is mostly pleasant. Sunday afternoon she even sat with me & Ss in the lounge to watch TV; very rare since BD. W still spends a lot of time in MBR napping or watching TV, or I find her in the lounge with the TV on in the background w/ head buried in her smart phone. However, have noticed that when sleeping in the same bed W isn’t always balancing on the edge of the mattress as earlier in the crisis. Sometimes the slightest little accidental body contact would’ve had her turning away and back to the edge of the bed, but not so over the last few days. Anyway, not trying to read too much into this behaviour and trying to keep expectations at 0.


Me 50, ExW 49
T21, M13+
S15, S13
BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY)
Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts
Oct-2016 W petitions for D
Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed
Jun-2018 D'd
HTM #2707882 10/03/16 07:33 AM
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HTM,

You are handling your situation very well. Yes, everything becomes "theirs" and they do come up w/some humdingers along the way. As for her continued to say/think that you are going to screw her over...it's normal thinking for them...but it is also what she's thinking of doing to you, but verbally saying you may do it to her. Guilt has a way of making them talk out loud too. So, listen very carefully to what she's saying because MLCers do love to talk.

She thinks she's got leverage over you and that you will be over backwards to leave her pension, etc., alone. They love to use custody and visitation of the children as leverage when it comes to money and doing what they want. Check out your situation very carefully and do not tell her what you discover. Keep that info close to the vest and when the time is right, you can reveal it...but from what you've posted, she may not have a leg to stand on in that area.

Your wife's memory is a bit muddled if she thought she loaned you money. Maybe she loaned it to someone else or someone loaned her money, but whatever the case, if you did got your loan and paid it off, then it's nothing but rubbish thinking.

Don't doubt yourself. They do make us question ourselves and they do become very good at gaslighting us along the way.

Hang in there!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2707929 10/03/16 11:15 AM
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You know, of course, that's mainly bollox being punted by your W? Here in the UK, everything gets split 50/50 (that's everybody's pension) and unless there are particular issues with one parent having the kids, custody is also 50/50. A judge will decide at D, if you get there, and will always act in the interest of the children, not the parents.

All that nonsense about loans is another way of whacking you with a stick. If it's not noted that you had to pay it back on account of a D, it's history.

Stay strong and hold tight!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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Thanks for your support Huddy, know you've been down this path to an extent. I'm actually wondering if I'll make it past the 2nd mediation meeting w/ W expecting to keep all that she thinks is hers & then have half of what's mine too; not going to happen on my watch. The perspective you offer wrt custody is reassuring, especially as I intend to stay in & around the area for schools/friends/family and can’t imagine Ss would want anything else; W wants to move away and seems to think nothing of uprooting Ss to this end.

Yep it's nonsense Huddy, W was just lashing out when bringing up lending me money. Even if she had helped me out all those years ago it would have been well before we started living together and could have no bearing on current financial separation.


Interesting remark from my W this morning...

Bedroom TV is on in the background while W gets ready for work and I’m awoken by a loud slanging match between two sisters on the Jeremy Kyle show -British equivalent to Jerry Springer. W apologises for it being so loud as to wake me up, then says “It makes me feel better about my life!” Of course, I could retort in numerous ways along the lines of...”Well your life is the result of all your own choices & decisions!” but I'm using LBS duct tape more & more these days.


Me 50, ExW 49
T21, M13+
S15, S13
BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY)
Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts
Oct-2016 W petitions for D
Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed
Jun-2018 D'd
HTM #2708546 10/06/16 03:25 AM
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Having one of those bad days...

W's birthday tomorrow and usually we would have gone out to eat/celebrate as a family or meet up with ILs -just as she is planning to do on Saturday but no invite for me. I would have bought some nice thoughtful gift like years before but this time I have only bought her a card; instead of signing it 'always & forever yours' I've just put 'All the best', still deliberating whether to give it to her at all.

As well as this, I go into the family bathroom this morning to find W didn’t rinse out the bath after trimming/shaving ‘downstairs’. W obviously making herself presentable for when she meets up with OM for a birthday treat over the next day or two; torture!

Ok I know this would be a very bad thing to do but hell do I want to email or text her the following...

I know you want to look presentable downstairs but can I ask that you rinse the bath out after trimming/shaving please? I don’t want to have to answer awkward questions from either of our boys.

Does your other guy know you're still sleeping half naked in my bed?

Would appreciate you not using the joint debit card when you are out seeing your other guy, thus making it obvious where you are!



At least I have a two-day course with a friend this weekend to distract me a little (GAL), might be a useful addition on my CV too.


Me 50, ExW 49
T21, M13+
S15, S13
BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY)
Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts
Oct-2016 W petitions for D
Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed
Jun-2018 D'd
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