I Guess husband is stuck in a MLC

[AmyTx]

Thank you Job. Great advice! I'm at a family reunion and it's just hard dealing with all the questions. I feel stronger when I am home in my daily routine. And I think it is hard seeing couples in my family interact. Remembering that is the way we used to be -- just not the last year or so.

It's just hard because like everyone else on this forum -- I honored my vows, I respected and loved my husband, I worked hard in the home and at my outside job, I was a good mother. But when people hear your husband leaves you -- it's always your fault.

[job]

Amy,
If people are asking questions, you can always say that you would prefer not to talk about it at this time and let's just enjoy the family reunion for now. I know how it is when you are sitting there and observing couples and how they are interacting w/each other. It does bring back a lot of memories, but keep the happy memories close and pull them out of the box periodically and know that it wasn't all bad. Okay?

Yes, I do understand that people will think it's your fault, but you know what? You can't control what other people think and you don't owe them an explanation about what is going on in your situation. The only person and feelings you can control are you and your own feelings. Many of those same people will put two and two together and come up w/four as time passes.

Don't allow them to push you to move on. They don't understand MLC and until they walk a mile in your shoes, they won't understand, they mean well, but they don't understand. They just want you to be happy and get over the situation quickly. They don't realize that what's happened is just as bad as someone dying unexpectedly.

Amy, you are stronger than you think. Have faith in yourself and the man upstairs.

[peacetoday]

I remember feeling such shame when My xh left and it was very hard to talk about with people ,except the women who had been through it

I think most people also understand ,so they won't bring it up
but it definitely hurt for a while especially seeing couples together and children and fathers

While its true, others may not always totally understand and no one really believes MLC is real until you experience it first hand-
WE know the truth, but they do see a strong woman picking up the pieces..People respect that-I

Today..It no longer hurts..I like my freedom and being a single working Mom -

Never thought I would.
..Many LBS do seem to turn their lives around for the better despite the MLC

[Coly23]

Hi AmyTx! I recently joined the MLC forum and just caught up with your thread.

I like everyone else am sorry that you find yourself here but I think you are doing great considering you are not long post BD. My H dropped the bomb between Xmas and NY 2015 and after a hellish 5 months eventually moved out at the end of May. I have only just started to feel human again in the last two weeks! If you check out my threads on Newcomers you will see how I ruminated, tied myself up in so many knots and the amount of tantrums I wanted to throw! I just felt so stuck in my own misery and pain I couldn't find a way out. All I really wanted to do was call H and shout down the phone 'I don't want to play this game anymore!'. So I know where you are coming from on the tantrum side!

I cried literally every day from the day he left and if it was the weekend all day. During the week I used to come home in my lunch hour and collapse in heap on the floor like I didn't have a single bone in my body and sob my heart out. Then put my makeup back on go back to work and cry in front of my two male heads of department! But as everyone says on here it will get better, I can go a whole day without crying sometimes now!

That knot in my stomach has now gone and my appetite is slowly returning. I know longer feel like I need my H to come home as I can cope with most things on my own and the two weeks I have gone dark has really helped. I would still love for my H to come home though.

I know you don't want this, none of us chose to have to go through this but at the end of the day we either get dragged Into their circus or we go on our own journey of discovery. I'm slowly getting there and you will soon I promise.....

[AmyTx]

Job -- you are so right. I can't control what people think. And I'm discovering I'm a people pleaser so this is an issue I need to resolve. Today I dwelt on the fact that my H was my best friend and knew my deepest secrets for 17+ years. I have never been closer to another human being and he left me. And today is my birthday -- he texted twice about needed cash out of our joint acct -- but that was all.

Peace -- I hope I get there .. When it no longer hurts. I am working to fix my issues and hope something good will come out of this MLC. All I can see is the wrong I have done. But I know it is my self esteem. Everyone keeps telling me I'm better off, but I just want him back. Lol. I don't want to be better off, I want the pain to stop. In my heart, I know I don't want his evil selfish twin .. But I just miss him desperately.

Hi Coly -- so sorry to hear you too have been experiencing this. I am trying the best I can. I am so glad to have found this forum or I would have lost it already. My head hurts from crying so much the last few days. I was doing much better .. But I guess I have cycled backwards.

[HTM]

AmyTx,

We all cycle and we all have those moments when we are picking ourselves up off the floor but those times do get fewer and occur further apart.

Just when I was moving forward, gaining momentum, bam! My best friend, unjustly, raises a Court order against me & I face possible eviction from the family home. It set me back & took a while to recover but I did, and I feel like I have grown a little more from the experience.

In spite of everything that is going on, happy birthday! Hope you have a little treat in store for yourself today.

Wishing you a great day and better times ahead.

[job]

Happy Birthday! Do something extra special for yourself today.

[AmyTx]

Thanks Job and HTM. I did have a nice dinner and a surprise party last night with my family. I was so emotional that I actually started crying. LOL! Yay me!

I had my weekly meeting with my IC today and even though she does not quite believe in a MLC crisis -- she did state that she believes the 40's are quite tough. We talked for a bit and then she stated she would help to make me stronger -- for whatever happens in life. She even gave me some reading homework-- The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.

I had one of my H's friends -- the one that helped him move out -- send me a message yesterday. He mentioned that he pointed out the mistakes my H was making -- but stated he knew my H had to figure it out for himself. I appreciated the fact that he reached out to me and that he stated he wished there was something he could do to help. It appears that others are starting to see. We have only told a few friends -- but I am sure more will find out eventually.

[AmyTx]

Ugh .. so mad at myself.

So I was in a text conversation with my H this afternoon. He is picking up D from school and we were setting up pickup times. He replied that he was truly happy. H also said he backed off the "tween" that he has been having an EA with -- so he could devote more time to our D. Since today is the first time he setup to pick her up or see her in 2 weeks, this must be recent.

H is also planning on moving his direct deposit in November (was suppose to do it this month) and then we can finalize the bills. I am still paying everything since his condo is rent free until January and he is putting his check in our joint account (my check has been going into my own account since he left). Also, he wants to start the "big D" stuff after the holidays.

H replied with the fact that he was sorry, but he will take care of anything I needed. I know I should not have .. but I replied .. "I am just reminding you that I'm not done fighting for us. If you and I both make changes -- our marriage would be amazing.". He replied OK.

[AndrewP]

AmyTx - I'm sure no harm was done. I haven't read back but I'm sure he knew already that you were wanting him to come home so I doubt that would have pushed him further into the tunnel. It's tough leaving them to journey alone - I know that full well myself. In my case I have had absolute silence from my W since August 26th (I just checked) and that was just with regards to our NetFlix password.

Try to stay positive and keep with the generally neutral tone. What I try to do is to come here and flush my thoughts and worries about W into journal posts just like yours above. It helps me find a spot to sweep those thoughts out of my head and into a safe place.