Kaizen & Sotto, I respectfully disagree with statements regarding OW. First off, I do not think she has to "let go" of her anger towards OW. Why? I don't see how that anger is holding her back. What is holding her back are the interactions her W continually has with OW, not her opinion of OW. Sounds like the OW is morally bankrupt and unfortunately in a position of power at work.
Second, I do not agree that "demonizing the AP helps us not have to deal with difficult feelings we have towards our partner." Personally, my feelings of anger/betrayal towards my H and towards the XOW are two separate things and not contingent upon the other. If you know my sitch, you know that OW posed at a "friend" for many years. I do not believe that my anger/disgust towards her in any form absolves my H from responsibility to our M. They are two different people and the parts that they played in the A were not 50-50, they were different. She pursued and he went along with it. Period. Even understanding that does not help me forgive him or dismiss his part in any way; he had poor boundaries and was vulnerable to an A (if not with her than it could have been with someone else).
Ultimately what matters to me is the part that my H played and the choices that HE made that hurt our M and family. In terms of peicing, the focus should be on our S and not the AP. That however does not mean that we are not entitled to "demonize" or place more of the "blame" on the AP, because quite frankly some of them are deserving of that! If NYGal's W has to continually interact with XOW (who is in a position of power and not respectful of boundaries) then that appears to be a very difficult sitch for NYGal and W. I sympathize completely! As I said before, I couldn't do it!
Last edited by Cadet; 06/30/1706:36 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I think it's completely normal and human to feel negatively towards the AP. That said, I don't think the AP is ever more to blame than the spouse. The AP may be morally bankrupt and/or predatory, but they were not the ones who vowed to be faithful to you. That doesn't absolve them from basic human decency and respect for others marriages and relationships, but there are always going to be selfish others with poor boundaries. The onus is on the spouse, as the one who took the vow, to keep their promises. IMHO, if one is playing the blame game, vows incur higher culpability.
That aside, although negative feelings might be normal and to some extent unavoidable, focusing on them does more harm then good. At minimum, you are giving way too much space in your head for someone who does not deserve to be there.