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I'm following this closely as my situation is very similar. The resentment is very bad and results in "fighting."


- m and ww in 30s
- s4
- m 11 yrs, t12
-ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM
- bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa
- 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
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Originally Posted By: RSG
This is so well said. I'll come back to this when I have time, but this is so important to think about. I'm in this for a multitude of reasons, and they're intertwined. The thing about kids is, at least for me, really a paradox. My S is the reason I really got in gear and decided to fight for my marriage. But if I didn't have a child, I think my W and I wouldn't have lost focus on ourselves and let things deteriorate to the rate they did.

Again, this was a great post and I'll come back to it....


RSG I agree. Is would never wish to imply that my son contributed to the S butt the stress of it all. Not sure it would have gone down this way. Bit, not much benefit to those thoughts.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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Originally Posted By: Coly23
Gumbo


Funny. Thanks.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 523
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So, being able to put a little more time into this....

Generally speaking, both spouses have to work in order for paths to re-cross. One of the issues is, we usually begin changes sooner and put more into them. For various reasons. The biggest being, if the wife doesn't believe she needs to change then there's no incentive for introspection. She will believe that, while she may not be making the right decisions on her own, she wasn't the one who ruined the marriage. And that, once D is final, she'll finally have the "space" and time to be happy again.

The bigger question albac poses is, why do we do this? I believe the initial motivation is the same for us all. We want our M back. But, as things go on....our reasonings branch out. Some days, it's for children. Sometimes it's for the M. Sometimes it's for self. Sometimes it's just to show that we are survivors, and that we don't NEED the W/M. I think this is natural. Different situations lead us to find different reasons to stay on the path.

If we get to our best, we realize that the most important thing is to work to not only be the man we were when our W fell in love. But to be even better than that, and to be excited and confident (but not complacent!) in who we are and what we have become. And to realize that, if our W don't want that amazing all around man, then we'll not only be ok but we can eventually find someone who does.

I've said before, the worst day of my life was when my W sabotaged me at the park with my S and said "I can't do this anymore, we're separated" and literally ran away from home. My S inspired me to pick myself up off the deck, to figure out the best way to fight for my M and our family. Looking at it objectively, it felt like a stab in the back but the God's honest truth is that if she DIDN'T leave we would be likely be divorced right now. The more I read from people living an in-home Separation, living apart seems like the only way to come back together.

I find it so much easier to work on myself without her here. And, I suppose I'm lucky in that my W is using this time to actively work on herself as well. I never thought she'd admit she needed to work on herself enough to go to Counseling. But she is. She's reading a book on how to create happiness within herself. And I've seen some changes in her speech/behavior. I can feel the changes in me, and I think they come out effectively. I know sometimes I use situations as a chance to practice some of the things I've been learning, like validation and listening.

I feel like I'm a better man already. I'm for damn sure no longer a doormat. And everyday is a challenge to be a better Daddy than I was the day before. I'm not where I'd like to be, but I'm confident I'm on the right path. I think if the W and I continue down this path, reconciliation IS possible. But that's the rub, you can't lose focus....you've got to keep the focus on you and your child and let your W continue on her journey.

Why do I do this? Because I don't want to be a good man, I want to be a great one. I want to be the kind of Daddy people use as an example. I want to find that happiness within myself. Because I love my S unconditionally, and I want him to know Daddy stood for his family. And, yes, because I love my W.

Long post, but I think everyone can get something from it. This journey isn't easy for us. It's not fun. IT IS WORK. But nothing worth working for is easy.


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
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Wow, RSG, what an excellent post. I think we get so lost in the day to day drama with our WWs that we all lose focus on what the goal of this thing is. It seems like the quicker we get back to that focus, the easier everything is. Slowly learning that lesson on my end thanks to all of you.

Be the best man possible and if WW still doesn't come back it's her loss. Easy to say, tough to do. We should all be working our butts off to get there though! Again, great post!


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
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RSG - that was so good, I do not even know where to begin or where to end. You are going to make a fantastic old guard one day. Spoken like a true "been there".

ForGump, hope you are alright my friend.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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I'm tired, man. Tired of everything. Tired of trying. Which is not to say that I'm going to file for D. I don't have the energy to file for D. I don't have the energy to DB, detach, GAL, etc. At least not in a very deliberate way. I'm just living my life, day by day.

I love my kids. I don't have to be deliberate to want to spend time with them and enjoy it. And I like exercising, music, friends etc. So I don't have to motivate myself to do those things.

So I'm just going to live. I'm just going to ignore her requests to work on the D papers. Ignore, ignore, ignore til she gets freaking angry. When it becomes utterly unavoidable, then I'll do it.

Had a decent weekend. Lots of time w/ kids, took some time for myself to go surf with a buddy. But I'm not feeling good.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 703
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I hear you on the energy side of things FG. It's easy to get exhausted during all of this, especially when the emotions are on overdrive.

Glad you got some time to surf and enjoy the kids this weekend. That's what life is all about. Spending time doing things you enjoy w/ people you love.

I'd offer that living day by day is probably, in essence, DB'ing so long as you're not focusing on things you can't control. Hang in there brother. Keep up with the folks here bc they're excellent support to help you through this thing.

By the way, I tried surfing one time and it was an absolute disaster. think I got up for like 2 seconds one time and having no balance I plummeted right back into the water. Good thing I'm a decent swimmer bc I'm positive that surfing and I don't mix!


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
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Posts: 638
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I know all about that exhaustion, Gump. I just got back from a trip out of town. It didn't help my sitch at all, but it was nice just getting a break from things on the home front. Do you have any ability to take a long weekend away?


Me: 46
W: 44
Married: 17
Together 21
D13; S10
BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you)
Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage
Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
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Hey FG,

We all get to feel like how your feeling. It does go away. Just feel it acknowledge the way your feeling and let it go.

Yes doe the things you love, the stuff that is easy to do. That is a good place to start you moving.

As for the work to D, let W do it, ignore if that is what is best for you and your kids. When the airplane is having trouble you put your oxygen mask on first so you can be there for those kids.

When she does get angry tell her you are doing what is best for you and your kids right now, what she wants is not a priority for you right now.

I think you are doing good. The down days come with the good days and by doing things you want to do you will have more good days.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
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