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mustardseed #2710744 10/17/16 07:56 PM
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Mustardseed: I see a lot of places here where you are giving credibility to your ex. He should have appreciated your responsibility for the family resources but he resented it. He didn't share goals with you.

It was abusive of him to tell you that you don't have as many friends as you think you have. It was an attempt to isolate you so you couldn't hear contrary opinions to his. I know this because I lived it with my college boyfriend. I would challenge you to put everything he said (especially when you were fighting) into the manipulative gaslighting category and find out for yourself who your actual friends are.

In my sitch, Mr. Fantastic and I had a couple who were our friends -- they came cross country for my 40th birthday and in fact planned most of the events -- but they were his first. He abandoned them when we split up and they looked like they were loyal to me. But how it worked out was, they're in a place in their life where they want the couple friends, and no drama, and their friendship has fallen off. They aren't siding with him at all, but it isn't sustainable because the way our friendship was structured couldn't survive the death of our marriage.

That is to say, don't try to anticipate whose side anybody is going to be on. If there is someone you care about, give the friendship the opportunity to survive. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. You sound sane and caring. That will show in the people you're willing and able to be vulnerable with. It doesn't have to be a contest. Just be your own self and the quality people will gravitate towards you.

I do want to repeat, though: Break free of your ex's opinions. Fire him from your mental committee -- he doesn't belong there. He didn't say anything that was constructive to you. When you are with people who make you better life will become smoother and easier.

Finally, as a financial professional, I'd really like to encourage you to make saving, even a minimal amount, one of your budget line items, and not something you aim to create out of leftovers. INTENTION makes all things possible. You can move mountains with it.

I'm so impressed with how far you've come since I first met you. Congratulations on that! Keep moving forward, you've clearly got what you need to make an amazing life.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2710768 10/18/16 12:17 AM
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Brilliant on the goals and you now have actions that you can review in a month or so.

I like Maybell comment. With regards to friends of course you realise that these are isolation techniques of your XWH to control your environment.

Friends will happen Msd, just let it, the easiest way is through those with similar interests through an activity.

I dance and through that have made friends independent of The Giggalo. I also have some through the gym.

Lots to do for Msd.

Big hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Maybell #2712947 10/28/16 05:31 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
Mustardseed: I see a lot of places here where you are giving credibility to your ex. He should have appreciated your responsibility for the family resources but he resented it. He didn't share goals with you.

It was abusive of him to tell you that you don't have as many friends as you think you have. It was an attempt to isolate you so you couldn't hear contrary opinions to his. I know this because I lived it with my college boyfriend. I would challenge you to put everything he said (especially when you were fighting) into the manipulative gaslighting category and find out for yourself who your actual friends are.

In my sitch, Mr. Fantastic and I had a couple who were our friends -- they came cross country for my 40th birthday and in fact planned most of the events -- but they were his first. He abandoned them when we split up and they looked like they were loyal to me. But how it worked out was, they're in a place in their life where they want the couple friends, and no drama, and their friendship has fallen off. They aren't siding with him at all, but it isn't sustainable because the way our friendship was structured couldn't survive the death of our marriage.

That is to say, don't try to anticipate whose side anybody is going to be on. If there is someone you care about, give the friendship the opportunity to survive. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. You sound sane and caring. That will show in the people you're willing and able to be vulnerable with. It doesn't have to be a contest. Just be your own self and the quality people will gravitate towards you.

I do want to repeat, though: Break free of your ex's opinions. Fire him from your mental committee -- he doesn't belong there. He didn't say anything that was constructive to you. When you are with people who make you better life will become smoother and easier.

Finally, as a financial professional, I'd really like to encourage you to make saving, even a minimal amount, one of your budget line items, and not something you aim to create out of leftovers. INTENTION makes all things possible. You can move mountains with it.

I'm so impressed with how far you've come since I first met you. Congratulations on that! Keep moving forward, you've clearly got what you need to make an amazing life.


Thank you MB, Figuring out what is real and what is gaslighting is still a WIP with me.

Ex and I were talking about D and some of the Middle school girl BS she is dealing with-and our difference in perspective came out in the most obvious way ever. I even think he was insulting me in a way-but it was one of those comments that it wasn't until about an hour after he left that I realized he was. My perspective with that MS girl drama is that it is more important to have a few good friends that like you for who you are and makes you feel good about being yourself. Once you get into HS it all works itself out and trying to keep up with the crowd stops mattering.

But Ex was telling her that she needs to separate herself from certain girls who come across as "exclusive"--but not the mean girl kind--the isolated from the "in crowd" kind. The kind of girls that don't care about the rest of the school politics and just enjoy their genuine frienship. Then he made a comment about how I probably was when I was a teenage. He knows my HS friends, they are still the ones I consider my best friends--AND, he is related to a few of them. I did just fine--thank you very much--but I never tried to be one of those girls that had to prove something and didn't need to be. I think this very obvious difference in "status" ideals is a huge barrier for us. Always has been. I wonder if he thought that I was one of those girls when he married me, then he realized I wasn't ashamed of my nerdy side--I have no interest in fashion, or status or putting people down--and I can be a shrinking violet when I am around girls like that. I weakness in his mind I guess.

I am really disgusted to think that this man in his mid-40s is now trying to Middle School status-shame his ex-wife and train his daughter to be phony so she won't be like me.

Maybe the difference is that because he is teaching middle school, he never left it. Time to grow up, buddy. I hate that he can suck me into it though. I think because I have to be at the school for the kids--and he has more prominence there than me because both him and his mistress work there--he feels he can still play that game. Typing it out right now makes me realize how ridiculous it really is. I also think he wants her to distance herself from some of those girls because the moms are friendly with me. They are friendly with everyone, but he knows that the lies he tells them doesn't hold up when I open up to people about what really happened. So he is trying to dictate her friendships.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
mustardseed #2715031 11/09/16 02:30 AM
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Moooooooose

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2722824 12/25/16 09:46 AM
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It's been a while. Not really in the right frame of mind to catch up on my sitch and to be honest, it has consumed me much less lately. That is a sign of progress.

This lonely Christmas morning--first Christmas morning I woke up without my children under the same roof--I can't help but be drawn back to the boards.

I wanted to see how far I have come so I read through my very first thread. The washing machine issue that I was dealing with during the time of first BD struck a chord. That stupid washing machine. My aunt and uncle ended up buying us a brand new one. Guess what--when I finally got to move my things out of the marital home a few months ago, I mentioned to him that he could keep the washing machine because I have one in my new place. And he told me it was broken anyway. 3 years and it is already broken? It was a brand new machine. He doesn't take care of anything. He hated that my family helped us with that sitch--he is the one who ended up benifitting the most from it. And he broke it.

It is also funny that he blamed me for the last broken washing machine because he said I overload. That machine lasted us 7 years not as long as I'd expect, but certainly a longer life then 3 years. That wasn't the only broken item in the house. The chairs to my grandmothers dining room set were broken. Kids admitted to being the ones who broke them--but he never bothered to fix them. Just locked them in my bedroom.

He also got rid of a lot of the kids old toys without telling them or me. I know that stuff probably wasn't considered marital property, but it broke my heart when my daughter was reminiscing about her American Girl Dolls and said she has no idea what happened to them. I told her to ask him--but I know they weren't there when I was able to finally get my things. He (and OW) pretty much packed up the whole house for me, but he obviously got rid of a lot of things because even the attic was sparse.

He has no respect for property especially when it belongs to someone else or given to him from someone. Good riddance.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
mustardseed #2722829 12/25/16 11:06 AM
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My plans for this mostly childless holiday week:
Today: Christmas with my big crazy fam--dancing, drinking and some good old fashioned fighting over gifts.
The rest of the week, I have one set in stone date probably indoor rock climbing but if the weather is as nice as it is today I will probably suggest we do something outdoors instead.

I have 3 other possible dates--nothing written in pen yet-so we shall see.

Movies with my kids one day this week.

Girls day paint party at my house.

Clean and organize my bedroom closet.

Start working on my goals for 2017.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
mustardseed #2723009 12/27/16 09:29 AM
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Merry Christmas, ms!!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2749329 07/02/17 12:36 AM
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It has been a while. The divorce is final and I feel good about it. I have been trying to compose a thank you letter to my lawyer who really did such a fantastic job of validating while putting things into perspective. He never sunk to dirty levels and stuck to his ethics--while they buried themselves in game playing.

I will say I am so much happier now then I have been in a long time.

There is loneliness. I have been dating to get out of the house, meet new people, and try new things--but I am still not ready to try and find a partner and at this point in time I'm not sure I will ever be. But that is ok.

I still have some demons I am still working through. I still don't accept Ex's R with OW. I tolerate it, but I don't allow myself to be exposed to it. I deal with him, not her. And when people ask I am honest. No reason to pretend for the sake of the comfort of others. For the sake of the kids I keep things civil. Don't need them choosing sides. They are the ones who still have to deal with their father's moodiness and ego, and they don't need to have to worry about my feelings while they are navigating his moods.

In a separate post I will post an letter I wrote (not sent) to try and unpack the things I wish I could say to her.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
mustardseed #2749330 07/02/17 12:38 AM
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Letter to the woman who stole my husband
First of all, I’d like to say thank you for taking a sociopath off my hands and for finally giving me the thing that I wished for—and thought I had for so long—to finally know the man I married fully and completely. I know he is Mr. perfect for you, he was for me too. I know that a love like yours has never felt possible before and is the true meaning of “soul mate”. Yup, that was us, too. I know that you see me through his filtered lens, and him with the mask he wears for you and think—there is no way in hell those two were ever compatible. They simply weren’t right for each other the way we are—and that illusion helps you justify what you did to my family. What you don’t get to see—as his current target—is the mask he wears with you is just that. It is designed specifically for you—and is nothing like the one he wears for me.
I say wears rather than wore, because you see, he still has that mask. Once I stopped being the “good little supply source” I saw him exposed. It was terrifying. I think you know what I am talking about. You probably see glimpses here and there but it flashes by so quickly you think you imagined it. If you react to it you are probably met with a stream of word salad that leaves you feeling both relieved and unsettled. Assured in your connection to each other, but cut down and unsure about your own state of mind. You are left feeling fortunate to be loved by him, and guilty for ever suspecting anything less—you like yourself just a little bit less and make a commitment to become better—because he deserves someone who is better.
Yes, once the mask was off as he prepped the scene for the perfect leading lady exchange that was when all of those unsettling and confusing moments were confirmed. I was not crazy. I did see what I was seeing. And who the hell is this man and what did he do to the man I had been married to all this time? You may or may not have seen that person while you two plotted against me, but it was aimed toward me and not you, and because you believe the things he says about me, I’m sure in your mind it was justified. What you probably don’t know is that his old mask that is intended just for me is back on. That is the reason why he will never be in the same space when he knows the both of us will be there. It is too difficult for him to wear both masks at the same time. And if he allows himself to be unmasked in those public settings then everyone will know the truth about him. So he is absent.
This leaves us both in the same space. Neither of us with full claims to him—which is just fine with me. Under the curious eyes of those who have heard the stories, trying to figure out the truth. We do our best to not play the roles he has cast us in—scorned wife and desperate mistress. Everyone watches trying to figure us out. Are you the evil mistress making a public play for a married man at the expense of your children and mine? Am I the pathetic wife who can’t accept the fact that my husband has moved on to someone else? We both show up with our heads held high. Taking a quite assessment of where the other is and carefully avoiding each other while both still holding on to our position in this sick world he has created—both of us committed to showing the world that we are not those women he wants the world to see us as.
I see how he is draining the life out of you. I recognize those eyes—see them on myself from old pictures back when I was “happily married to the man of my dreams”. I see the uncertainty and strain of jumping though the hoops that he keeps moving in those eyes. I see how desperately you need this to work because if it doesn’t you really were just selfish home wrecker. I know you believe him when he appeals to your need for things to settle and stabilize. How he pretends that is what he wants too. One thing I learned about him—he can’t handle stability. He thrives in chaos. And while he has you convinced that this is all a transition, and the lack of stability you feel is all due to me, the ex wife who won’t let go—who he has to coparent with and give money to, and that soon all of that will be in the past and you can finally have the happily ever after that was promised.
What you don’t know is that he will always find a way to create just a little bit of chaos—and blame others for it—even you. The more things stabilize the more withdrawn he will become and the more you will scramble to try and bring him back. The more you will try to push back just to get a response. The more you will want to get back the fairy tale that you thought you had—but you never really had it because that very notion was hidden within the turmoil. That fairy tale was just an empty box he kept out of your reach buried within the chaos. Trust me, once he lets you have the box he will have already created a new empty fairytale box with someone else. Right now he is holding that box hostage. All you need to do is believe it is really there despite never quite having access to it, and you will play his game. I remember the comfort in just knowing, believing it existed. Once we cross this hurtle, once this piece of life is settled, once these awful people leave him alone we will have it. I finally got to open the box—he threw it right in my face. And there it was—empty while he walked away with the life we built together, with you laughing by his side.
Yes it was painful, but it was also freeing. He thought he gave me an empty box, but what he gave me was the most valuable lesson I never would have learned otherwise. In the box was my dignity, my value, heart, my self-worth, all of the things I didn’t realize he had stolen from me. And getting those things back and I learned to never let anyone take it away from me again. So yes, in some ways, it was my happily ever after in that box.
I have no respect for you. I think if you were young and naïve I might be convinced that you truly believed in the fairy tale. You are aren’t either of those things. You also were a wife, you are a mother, you are middle aged, slightly older than me—there is where our similarities end. You are full of yourself. You are selfish. You are dependent—wrapped around a tough girl exterior. We are opposites in that. I represent weakness in his eyes—because I always see the good in people. Because I trust and don’t give up on people. Because I stand on the sidelines and wait to be invited. Because I am open and honest when I probably should be more guarded. I lacked boundaries, and was easily confused into reacting in ways that were turned against me. I have grown in how I handle boundaries and with my emotional responses, but I have not changed who I am at my core, because kindness is not weakness—it is strength. And kindness does not mean accepting poor treatment or denying my feelings for the comfort of others.
You are hard, tough and gruff, you speak up loudly at every perceived slight against you and have no problem inviting yourself into other people’s situations, you then complain about not being treated like a welcomed guest. In his eyes that takes balls—refreshing after his quiet, always see the bright side ex-wife. He sees it as strength, when both you and I know it is desperation and weakness. He only sees the exterior and is only concerned with the image of who we are—actually he probably knows full well how weak and broken you are inside but he is valuing this perceived strength you mask yourself in to use it to build you up and while tearing you down behind the scenes. These men always go for the complete opposite of what the leave, so I take it as a compliment that you are who he chose. His next source of supply will probably someone I like, and my heart will break to know what she has gotten herself into. But for you, I kind of enjoy watching the show—I just wish the kids weren’t in the middle of it.
So, enjoy the consolation prize while it lasts. You have a choice to allow yourself to be tortured into keeping that so-called prize to maintain the image that you were not just a desperate home wrecker, but actually found your “true love” and rescued him from his “pathetic wife”. Or you will receive the real gift, like I did. And open the empty box while he walks away with the next target. And if you can see beyond the “loss” you will find the true gift. In that moment you will reclaim the pieces of yourself that you sold for an illusion.
I really don’t care which of those paths you choose. Your happiness is not my concern. Either way you will get what you deserve. But there is some part of me that thinks I will finally receive the closest thing we will ever get to closure when it comes to loving a man like him. You opening that box and feeling some honest and humbling remorse for the role you played. I have no hope for him to ever be accountable for anything, but I guess I hold you to a higher standard. The day that you say, “I am so sorry, I had no idea,” will be the day I can finally feel closure. But I am not holding my breath. You might just be as awful as him and will somehow find a way to make yourself the victim. You will see the empty box as just that—and turn yourself inside out. You also won’t have a support system because the mistress is always a mistress even long after becoming a wife. I am learning to move on and grow without that closure, but it would be nice to get it.
It is an awful future you have accepted for yourself, and maybe as I continue to grow and rebuild I will come to the point where my heart will go out to you for the pain you will suffer. But I admit, I’m not there yet.

sincerely,
Mustard Tree


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
mustardseed #2752529 07/22/17 03:26 AM
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I'm feeling some anxiety over my financial future. Rent is going up again. My work is satisfying and paying the bills, but there I no longer am covered by Ex's health insurance and I can't afford to pay for the marketplace options. I have a spot on my face that I need to get checked out but I'm scared to. If it is something I don't know if I want to spend the money to take care of it so I'd rather not know.

My parents are not happy with my stance on that. Even my dad who rarely worries about things and complains about having to go to the doctor--would avoid them all together if my mother didn't make him go--commented about how I need to get it checked out. I should have done it while I was still covered but I couldn't find the time. And I'm realizing I need a job with insurance. It's time to start looking forward and setting goals again. I am passed the transitioning phase and now I have to look forward again, but I am having trouble being clear on my goals.

I noticed I am worrying a lot again and sinking into my old immature habits of ignoring rather than dealing. Not good. The thing that broke me of that was going to church and giving my fears to God so that I could clear my head enough to do what was in my power to do. I haven't been to church in a while and maybe it's time to make time for that again.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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