Anna 2.0

[annab74]

I haven't had a thread here in about six months since I asked to have my original deleted because of privacy concerns. The chaos in my life has largely subsided by this point, so I don't know how much I'll actually have to post about, but wanted to make a new thread to answer some posts from another thread rather than hijack the OP.

Would you have H back (if he had genuinely changed)?

That is a difficult question because I value family above anything else, and I have always been the one to never give up, no matter what. I would have never walked away of my own volition if H had not forced this situation on me, no matter how unhappy I was. That said, with detachment has come a lot of clarity, and I can see now that what happened in our current situation was not an isolated incident but a pattern of behavior. H has a very difficult time processing intense emotions, and a history of checking out (by cheating or leaving) to avoid doing so. In 19-years of marriage, he's left me three times and had multiple EA/PA's. That said, there is a part of me that knows his family history and can understand why he is the way he is. I feel sorry for him, and I do think he loves me in the limited way he is capable of loving. At the same time, this is who he is, and I feel like permanent change is unlikely. At this point in my life, I'm really tired of fighting to be loved and just want something healthy. Someone capable of real intimacy and closeness and who will stay. I don't foresee that ever being him.

Have you dated, been tempted (I have not yet, doesn't feel right, I am married), but the attention would be a boost...

H and I physically separated over two years ago. I am dating at this point, but did not start seeing anyone until after the papers were signed. I think it's definitely a personal choice. I waited till the papers were signed because I never wanted anything to regret if we eventually worked things out. That said, dating definitely helped me move forward once the decision was made, and I feel a lot better about myself. Sometimes I still find myself surprised that men are paying attention to me, wanting to spend time with me, or are interested in what I have to say. It's a very nice feeling.

My biggie at the moment. WW has a lot of money - she raided an account I set up for her (trusting fool!). I am paying a monthly sum - what I used to pay for food, shopping etc. Not formal, just what I used to put into the joint account. My wife is cake eating big time. I am not asking what I should do, what would you do? - you are not advising me - stop the payments, tell her the money she has is enough for comfort for at least 2 years, or what? I feel she is the Pillsbury Doughboys best friend at the moment.....I could of course, just think, see you in 2 years, when all the cupboard are empty of cake.....

I'm not really sure on this one. Do you have kids? If there are children involved, I would not think it would be a good idea to stop providing support, regardless of what she's managed to take already, but that is purely a guess. I think your best option would be to talk to a lawyer and see what they advise for your situation. You don't want W to get away with cake eating, but even more, you wouldn't want to do something that might make you vulnerable to accusations of neglect or abandonment, particularly if there are children involved.

[Cherry]

I think you're going to be a great asset. I do hope to reconcile, but there would have to be serious changes. Just like your h, mine has a tendency to dip in and out of the M.

I admire your strength and your values, especially m with regards to only dating once the papers were signed. Your advise will be valuable to a lot of us dealing with this very difficult situation.

[ForGump]

Sometimes I still find myself surprised that men are paying attention to me, wanting to spend time with me, or are interested in what I have to say. It's a very nice feeling.

Of course you are still attractive to men. Attractiveness is more than just youth -- in fact, youth and immaturity is unattractive.

I'm glad you saw your H for what he is.

[JksD]

Anna, I am not a man (I am sure you know that) and I find you insanely attractive. Gorgeous, kind, intelligent and a great mum! I really do think that you have quite the whole package.

[BluWave]

Anna,

I don't recall the details of your sitch, but your advice is sound. I am glad you are here and hope you will keep posting!

I agree that sometimes we don't see things clearly until we have detached and time has passed. When we act based on emotions, there is often fear and anxiety in play. That is why I always tell people that this is a long road and takes a long time. Rarely do we see immediate results, even if we DB "perfectly."

You are correct that we do not want this person back if they are not willing to truly look at themselves, process their own emotions, and make a commitment to changing. It's a lot for some and many cannot do it. We cannot ask our S to do that, but we can do it for ourselves and hope that they will for themselves.

My H did a 180, has taken responsibility for his actions, and is still working on bettering himself. Still into 16 months of piecing I am working on forgiveness. Once we "get them back," the hard work begins of restoring a broken M. It takes two strong people.

So you are wise to let him go and move on. I wish you the best!

Blu

[Surfer]

Thank you for you responses. All sensible stuff and aligned with my own thoughts.

[annab74]

Thank you all for the very kind words...

Anna, I am not a man (I am sure you know that) and I find you insanely attractive. Gorgeous, kind, intelligent and a great mum! I really do think that you have quite the whole package.

JksD, you are always such a sweetheart... Such a pretty and kind person, and definitely the whole package yourself!

Of course you are still attractive to men. Attractiveness is more than just youth -- in fact, youth and immaturity is unattractive.

ForGump, I think what I was trying to say was less about physical attractiveness, and more about interest in me as a person. Getting male attention for the physical assets is pretty easy for females in general, I think. But H never showed much interest in me as a person even before things got really bad. At best, he tolerated me. If I came in from work and wanted to talk about my day, he'd look bored and tell me to call my mom instead. If I offered an opinion about something, I was always wrong..."for such a smart person, I don't know how you can be so dumb." I didn't fold his laundry correctly, or cook or clean properly. By the time things really got bad, he was deliberately verbally abusive and acted like it was painful for him to even have to hear words from my mouth. So at this point, having someone *want* to talk to me, spend time with me, or care what I think and feel is pretty incredible.

My H did a 180, has taken responsibility for his actions, and is still working on bettering himself. Still into 16 months of piecing I am working on forgiveness. Once we "get them back," the hard work begins of restoring a broken M. It takes two strong people.

Blu, so happy for you that you are working towards a full reconciliation. Forgiveness is hard, but it's as much for you as it is for him. It took me two years to really come to grips with H's first PA and begin to move on mentally and forgive. I think we have a tendency to want to hold on to things because we're so afraid of letting go and risking being hurt again. But that kind of pain is such a burden to carry in your heart... Kudos to you for doing the hard work to come back together and making it work!

[Cherry]

Those comments that you say about never being able to quite do something right really made me think. My ex (before wh) was every type of abusive their was. After breaking off with him, a little down the road, I got with wh. And it was a million times different. He said all the right things and treated me like a queen.

The past year or so, I've heard comments exactly like what you say..
I don't iron properly
I didn't put the clothes away properly
He never would ask me how I was and how was my day. Instead we would talk about his, whenever I would mention something about mine, it would be met with "you always make everything about you" "it's not all about you"
Food wasn't done quite the right way
Or something wasn't ready when he wanted it.

And I never thought he was abusive..

[Surfer]

Oh dear. This a very sad situation, but we have all probably done this and had this done to us. I was the guy who didn't talk at the end of my hard day. I just wanted some peace. I feel bad for this. I was never the one who attacked though. This was my W. she could win the 100m olympic nag/moan/arguments gold medal, with hurdles (massive ones)!!! Every time. I truly loved (and still love) my W, but as her sadness (potentially MLC in their too - now 40) developed it turned to anger. Even at sadness I was lost, because the person I tried to understand was talking a different language. I wish I had seen 'its not about the nail' and read etc about validation much more prior to this point. I could have potentially stopped things getting to a point where she detached and had an EA - I could have stopped the nuclear war!! Bu tI didn't, I regret this. As a LBH, be careful not to assume that he didn't care. I bet he did. We just sometimes don't communicate so well.Yes actions to have an affair, leave etc are all actions that I certainly don't approve of, but they probably come along because we are not communicating properly.

I almost texted my W, just now, to say:

"I have been thinking about those times when you just needed someone to talk to and I didn't fill that space. I just wanted you to know, I am so sorry. If I had understood how you were feeling more at the time and what you needed, I would have been there. I am just wanted to say I am so sorry for this and the loneliness you felt as a result."

However, I deleted it. Doesn't feel very detached. Not sure, perhaps I should just say this to her. I don't want to open up the door and hand be a stick to whack me with.....

Done that plenty.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Don't get me wrong, my washing up, dishwasher loading, cleaning....etc even how I put toothpaste on the kids toothbrushes soon became the problem. In fact, it might have always been I am not sure, she has always been 'right'. She also needs so much validation and to be right, I think that's part of the problem too.

No point in me being all sorry and her not changing too I guess.

Perhaps I am just better showing her I am listening, when she talks....

Surfer.