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This is Thread #2. Thread #1 is right here --> Keep Wearing Wedding Band?

I think a brutally honest and expanded recap of my situation is apropos from the vantage point of Thread #2, twenty days into my posting in this forum:

My W says,

- I'm sexually unattractive
- I mother her
- I suffocate her
- We are like brother-and-sister
- "I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life"

I strongly believe my W suffers from *some* levels of borderline personality disorder (BPD) and/or narcissistic personality disorder and/or obsessive compulsive disorder and/or anxiety & depression. I emphasize "some levels" because I don't want to overstate my certainty about the diagnosis, nor do I want to give myself a free pass. But my belief is based on her own W, her account of her life history including childhood trauma, some professional opinions, opinions of others who know W, and my own research.

My faults in the marriage ... I am still in the process of trying to see and understand those in myself, with the help of a therapist and this forum ... but so far as I understand, I believe my role in this failed marriage have been:

- I did suffocate her with too much attention.
- I did slide into a mothering role by helping her with everything she could not do for herself.
- I did emasculate myself by avoiding conflict w/ my W.
- I did emasculate myself by not letting my own character stand strong.
- I also failed often to tune into her emotional life and connect to her emotionally.
- I also failed often to tune into her sexual needs and connect better sexually.

Could I have avoided D by not doing the above? I don't know. I believe the dynamics under which we first fell in love and married was strongly driven by her BPD-like personality, so some *type* of mismatch or conflict was inevitable. If I had not emasculated myself into a mothering role, we might be facing a D for other reasons, such as too much conflict or simply MLC driven by her own personality/history/biology. I accept that as a known unknown.

Where does that put me in terms of DB? I believe my W is a mix of WW and MLC, with a splash of WAS. But, again, this is not something I know with much clarity. I believe the general prescription for what I need to do is is the same: detach, GAL, and 180. But I believe there are nuances to how to detach, GAL and 180 that need to be sensitive to each situation and timing, especially since we are still separated in-house.

What has happened practically?

- I decided to keep my wedding band on for myself.
- I've stopped pleading/reasoning, and have detached & GAL.
- W is taking small incremental steps to independence and filing D.

I expect more hell to break loose, as my W slowly and incrementally realizes the practical consequences of a D.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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From the end of my previous thread:

Originally Posted By: albac
How are you going today Gump,

I went for a run this morning and when I got back home I sat on my back deck in the glorious sun that is very rare in the middle of winter, I closed my eyes and felt the most at peace I have in many many months.

It's the little things.


Albac -- thanks for asking. I was actually going to post something EXACTLY like this myself two nights ago.

I went for a relatively long run, and it totally felt meditative to me, and the last couple of hundred yards, where I was drenched in sweat, I felt at peace with my own situation. I was not free of sadness, but I felt good that I was doing everything within my power and within my awareness to deal with this tough part of life, and that felt good for me.

Yes, it is the little things ... that help you see the big picture.

I hope you are doing OK my friend.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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Quote:
- I've stopped pleading/reasoning, and have detached & GAL.


Gump - Thanks for the update...hang in there

Have you noticed any small changes from W with your detachment, GAL and/or 180's

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Hi Gump, sounds like your GAL activities are working for you!

When you say hell will break lose when she realises the practical consequences of D, I would have thought that as she wants D she would be aware of that by now? Do in think she is just looking at the legal/paperwork side and not what this will actually mean to you as people/couple/family?


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Originally Posted By: SmithyC
Have you noticed any small changes from W with your detachment, GAL and/or 180's


Very small changes. She has actually commented on some of the changes -- in some cases, she has noticed on just a superficial level that I'm doing some things differently. Me detaching from her has resulted in a bit more friendliness and chattiness. Has it done anything to change the overall course of D? No. But it has helped me see that our old marriage was doomed and dead, and that I need to move forward. Easy to say, not easy to actually live day by day.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
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Originally Posted By: Coly23
Hi Gump, sounds like your GAL activities are working for you!

When you say hell will break lose... Do in think she is just looking at the legal/paperwork side and not what this will actually mean to you as people/couple/family?


Yes, GAL is working for me, but it ain't doin nothin for the marriage. (But the old marriage is dead, anyway, right?).

Re: hell breaking loose ... I don't think she has a realistic view of the consequences of a D on her/our finances, our daily schedules, and on our kids' mental/emotional health. Right now, she is in a heavy fog, created by the need to jettison the source of her unhappiness (me), and find the next guy(s) who will bring her excitement and happiness.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
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(((Gump))), I think I've heard it said here so many times but we don't want our old marriage back anyway and that's what I keep telling myself. This is a chance for a brand new relationship to build from the foundation up. Get rid if all those crumbling bricks of your old marriage this is what we are all aiming for.

I must say although you end on a negative the start of your post does sound quite positive, especially if she is noticing the changes. If she is like me she might be a bit stubborn and so it may take a while for her to admit those positive changes are making a difference and maybe that's why she is ploughing on with D.

I wish I had your strength to carry on with all GAL activities, at the moment I'm struggling with it all and instead of it getting better I think I'm getting worse (my stubbornness coming out again!). It could just be a symptom of going dark as I actually feel like some sort of drug addict having withdrawal symptoms (never taken drugs so not sure if I am just trivialising how withdrawal feels!). ! I know that's probably considered as codependency but it's so damn hard to shake it off....

Keep doing what you are doing because you seem to be getting some small results. As they say baby steps....


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Gump,

The way you explain what has gone on so far and the causes for your current sitch sounds so much like mine it is scary.

We both need to move forward and be strong. Hopefully our W's will realize what they have destroyed and want to make it work, either way we can only work on making ourselves ok with either outcome so we can truly be at peace.


When I think about it hard right now and ask myself what I want more, my W back or my sanity and to be at peace? I know what the answer is straight away I want to feel alive again.


ME- 31 W-25
T-5 M-3
D2
ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16
W seeing someone else - JUL16
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Coly23, I appreciate your note. Every little support & encouragement helps.

Originally Posted By: Coly23
I wish I had your strength to carry on with all GAL activities, at the moment I'm struggling with it all and instead of it getting better I think I'm getting worse ...


I don't think my GAL has been all that great. I just take more time to do little things -- going for a run or playing music or running a small errand for myself. I'm just initiate for myself more, and do it more frequently. Though they are little things, I just think about what *I* want to do, rather than thinking about what W might want me/us to do. I have been trying to set up some bigger GAL outings, but hasn't quite worked out due to the schedules of my friends.

Still working on it... (but seriously, I don't expect my W to be affected much by this. It's for my own mental health.)


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
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Originally Posted By: albac
Hopefully our W's will realize what they have destroyed and want to make it work...


That is a really alluring thought, and I still wish that to some degree. But there is also a somewhat different wish: I hope my W will get to a mentally and emotionally healthy place. And from that healthy place, she will still see me, and that I will be a healthy, attractive person to her.

Probably too much to wish for...


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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