Still an Awkward Situation

[Tate]

This is a continued thread:
Old Thread Here

Summary:
Wife backed off on her divorce request after her physical affair met its end.

Wife is continuing to have an EA with my brother in law (BIL), my sister doesn't know, and my wife has threatened to divorce me if I tell. She refuses to stop contact with my BIL.

I value my kids happiness and futures more than anything in the world, and my sister finding out will have a big impact on my kids and her kids lives.

Latest saga is that my six figure job will be terminated in about 60 days. If it weren't for my kids, I'd be tempted to pull the plug and take my dream job anywhere in the world and leave this all behind...instead, I'll look for something local and keep trudging through this mess.

Anyone else been in a similar situation?
Any advice on detaching and GAL with 3 young kids...and now being dependent on my wife in case I don't line up a job soon?

[Natus]

Put yourself out there mate. Send those CVs out, network, meet new people and dont be afraid of new exciting challanges. On the bright side if she divorces you she might have to pay you alimony

[sharong]

You should take some time and try to sort out things.

[Tate]

I like how you think, natus! Maybe I'll be a stay at home dad and constantly take the kids out of town without my wife!

On a more serious note, I'm guessing the whole GAL thing is impossible right now so once my life consists of finding a new job...

[sandi2]

I value my kids happiness and futures more than anything in the world, and my sister finding out will have a big impact on my kids and her kids lives.

As many times that you have made this statement, I assume this is your platform for not being proactive in your situation. I think I've asked once before, how do see the truth vs living a lie impact the lives of these children? Your previous answer was that they would not be able to see their cousins. That's not realistic, IMHO, unless someone moves away (which could happen even in good circumstances). As their father, you will have equal say (and if dvorced) equal parenting time. So, if you and your sister want your kids to see each other..........what would stop it?

Okay, so you are a loving father. As far as I know, every H on this forum feels the same way about his children. What I don't understand is.......what do you want from us? I mean is your MR doesn't stand a chance as long as your WW & BIL continue their A. So, are you asking for advice in how to proceed with living under the same roof with your WW, knowing the A continues and you have decided to quietly sit back and hope it dies out? Is your plan to stay with her, be a SAHD, and say no more about her A? This makes two A's in xxx amount of time. There will be more, if she gets what she wants and never suffers any consequences for her action.

I just want to know your intentions and what you are seeking from the board. I am not saying that sarcastically. It would help us to know your plan and how you want the board to help you.

[SH_]

Please respond to sandi after thoughtful and careful meditation of her question.

You continue to ask questions and for advice that you seem to not want the honest answers for. You seem hell bent on doing what you FEEL is right and you continue to place your feelings and reasonings on others, whether it be your kids or other members of the family.
Why is this?
Do you FEEL that if you "Nice Guy" your way through this, all will be well.
As I read your story I see an Ostrich with its head in the sand.

I see a person with an infected wound that thinks if they just leave the bandage over the disgusting injury that the infection will just go away and not spread.

I see a person with an emotional cancer illness that is refusing treatment and just hoping it will not spread, while it continues to spread.

I see a LBS in a most difficult situation caused by a WW that is holding you hostage whether knowingly or not, but will never respect you because your decisions while with Nobel intentions actually appear weak to anyone else from the outside.

I have followed your sitch and felt the pain as I read to the very complicated details, but I see that more pain is going to come of it, as you are avoiding the needed treatment and actions to stop the bleeding for everyone that it touches.

I am not sharing at this point to make you feel bad, nor to try and convince you of what to do, I share , because it is painful to watch and see how desperately so many folks that are seeing this from the outside and have experience and knowledge first hand of things that one should do to survive what you are going through, yet you turn away the suggestion for treatment.
To this I say, pull your head out and stop doing what you FEEL is right, and do what is RIGHT for yourself, for your children, and for all the other family members involved in this not so appropriate sitch.
Good luck to you Tate. It is going to take some very counter intuitive actions on your part if you hope to survive this as well as to protect your family.

[Surfer]

Tate. Even I can see, with my newbie eyes, that you need to get this sorted. What is wrong about what is going on? An affair (multiple?), your BIL..... You need to show her you are not going to stand for this. What do YOU not want to put up with anymore? Deliver it for you (and your kids).

On the job front. Ignore her. What would you do if you were happily married right now. Get another job with a good package? Then do that. Don't sit at home wallowing. When in the eye of the storm I moved to a very good job (from one to another). At the time of my W leaving with the kids I chose redundancy and set up the company I always talked to my W about setting up. Gave me something to focus on (GAL) and earnings are soaring. Happy and independent. What would YOU want to happen for YOU? Deliver it for you (and your kids).

[Tate]

No worries on the job front...and I'm far from wallowing. I'm going for jobs that pay 50 percent higher.

My lack of acting on outing my wife comes from the DB coaches I've talked to. One coach told me to not make waves until my wife came around. The other assured me that I needed to tread carefully now. So, these both contradict the general advice of this board. This brings me to another piece of advice that applies beyond this situation: if you're unsure of something, don't do it. Ticking my wife off right now could collapse what little marriage I have left. This also would contradict the concept that you cannot force someone to love you, stay with you. Instead you want to be the better choice...

So, you see there's a gap in approaches provided by the BD book and counselors vs this board...and since I'm not sure which approach is better, Im opting for the safe bet for the short term.

[Tate]

So, its been a year since I last posted. I thought things were improving...my wife and I were getting along great, I was spending more time with my family and growing closer than ever to my 3 kids. Then, came the slip up: a text message sent to me by accident.

I went to car races with my kids. My wife stayed home to catch up on school work...lesson plans as a teacher and homework since she started a PhD. The kids and I were watching the races when she sent a message to me addtessed to my BIL talking about her morning, then expressing how much she wanted to be with him on such a nice day someday.

She immediately tried calling me. I texted a reply saying we're done. She texted back that she was sorry for ruining my day with the kids, that this is just a reminder of how she really feels, that I should use discretion in talking to the kids and my family, and we could talk later. I responded that by having an affair with my BIL she is no friend to anyone in my family. Ee havent talked about it since it happened last weekend.

She crossed the line. I am planning on telling my sister and exposing the whole thing now. The fallout will be aweful...family get togethers will likely end, no more vacations for the kids and their cousins at the lake, devastation for my sister.

The question is, do I give her one more chance...she would have to stop all communication with my BIL and give me access to check her facebook account and phone records to make sure there is no contact. I know, this sounds controlling, but its the only way I could justify not telling my sister.

At this point I dont know that I care if my W divorces me. She talks about how the kids,wellness means everything to her, but she is still sending sweet nothings to my BIL.

Opinions?

[Tate]

Update to the update...my wife started a conversation with me asking if I am snooping around her accounts. I told her no, and that is the honest truth.

Once again, my wife slipped up and revealed to my BIL that I know about them. She did this to warn him, thinking that I had already told my sister everything. My W told me that my BIL noticed my sister acting strange around him. My guess is that my sister had a hunch something was going on and maybe even tried to access my wifes facebook account...who knows.

My wife used this as an opportunity to tell me she will never love me again and that our marriage is just a means to raise our awesome kids. She was more than willing to divorce me if I am not okay with this.

Summary: cats out of the bag due to my wife slipping up again. Wife still only wants to be roommates. Hard for me to GAL since I need to be there more than ever for the kids since wife is doing grad school and getting less than 4 hours of sleep every night.