wife of 14 years walks out on her family

[Raul]

Update:
It has been 2 months since I last spoke with WW.I had to give her my new number, but I have maintained NC for almost the entire 2 months.

Today she calls me out of the blue. She stated she needed me to come out. My heart dropped because I knew it would be so she can serve me the DP. She says her car wouldn't start and if I can help her. I immediately said yes and left work to help her. I worked myself on the way- I will show no emotions. I get there with butterflies in my stomach, excited to see her. I pop the hood and notice her battery terminals are filthy. I cleaned them and the car start up.

I then go downhill. I held her hand and tell her how I miss her. I wish we could work on our marriage. She says no and has no change of heart. She is seeing someone new. And said that she did not want to call me but at the time had no choice. I tell her I still care for her and then I kiss her hand and leave.

I had a moment of weakness. I don't understand why I can't get mad at her. Why I can't hate her. But I am also numbed about her seeing someone, like whatever. I don't understand my feelings. I was happy for those few minutes when I know I should have not helped her. But I don't regret it. And I want to too. I know that she could have called her tow service company, a co-worker at her job, or her new boyfriend. But she called me. And then told me to leave her alone. I feel pathetic, but I love her so much and I hate myself for that.

[AndrewP]

Raul - don't beat yourself up. You are a man who loves a woman. Perhaps find the Percy Sledge recording of that and remind yourself that you are a good man.

You are fairly early on the journey you will need to take to get to the other side - whatever that other side may be. It will take time.

[MrBond]

Don't beat yourself up about it. It happens. It's normal. If you haven't talked to her in a couple months, how do you deal with the kids?

[Raul]

Thanks AndrewP, now I have the song stuck in my head. But I think the song that would fit best is Heatwave, Always & Forever.

MrBond, it has been either communicated through our daughter or she would leave messages on my house phone.

[Raul]

Update:
5 months from D-Day: WS is still in her apartment living the single life. I STOPPED pursuing her exactly a month ago. It took her mocking me and telling me that her male "friends" think I am pathetic for trying to get back together for me to see how immature she is. It has been a whole month of no contact. I feel better, much better. I don't cry as much as I used to. And I don't miss her much either. I still have my daughters living with me. They are the only thing that keeps me going strong.

Get a life
I have made friends and have gone out a few times. Not looking to have a relationship but I realize that there are some good people out there still single or trying to go on with life like me. My daughter had a problem at first, but I had a talk with her. I reassured her that I will never leave them and that I will always be here. Daughter kept on asking if I was coming back home. She said she is scared that I leave and never come back. So I really don't go out often.

Co-parenting
I am so disappointed with WS. I would never in a million years thought she would pick the OM over our daughters or to live the happy single life. She started off by having our daughters twice a week to none. She still picks them up from school and has them for 3 hours until I picked them up after work. But on the weekends, my daughters don't get a phone call or no longer go with her. It has been one month since the last time they spent the night at her apartment. Ironic, our daughters don't ask about her much and refuse to spend the night with her. WS tried to have them spend the night 2 weeks ago. Daughters said no and called they don't want to be there and to pick them up. I thought wife would protest since she doesn't have them over night. But she did not and instead said if they are going to cry and whine to pick them up instead. Today I found out that she took an hour to pick them up from school last week. I thought maybe she had gotten out from work late, but daughter said she did not have uniform and was all dolled up. That made me angry.

Pending
She said she will file for divorce after the holidays. So she can start the new year fresh. That is what she said a month ago. She also said if I wanted to file to go ahead so she can save money. I told her if she wanted it, to do it. I decided since she is not helping with food, bills, mortgage anymore, I need to find a weekend job. I had to talk with my daughter that I wish I could stay home with them and take out to the park or visit family like we always do, but the bills are piling up. So my daughter is so understanding and supportive that she agreed to be okay with it.

Hopefully things will get better.

[fade]

Update:
...She still picks them up from school and has them for 3 hours until I picked them up after work. But on the weekends, my daughters don't get a phone call or no longer go with her. It has been one month since the last time they spent the night at her apartment.

...She said she will file for divorce after the holidays.

...I decided since she is not helping with food, bills, mortgage anymore, I need to find a weekend job. I had to talk with my daughter that I wish I could stay home with them and take out to the park or visit family like we always do, but the bills are piling up.

Uh, no. Dont get a weekend job. Get spousal and child support and take your daughter to the park on Saturday.

Look, you have enough to take your WW to the cleaners. She left and has no overnights - custody is calculated based on overnights. Sounds like she is not providing any financial support to the girls or the household.

Unless you have financial orders in place, then even if she left your WW is legally on the hook for half the mortgage, half the utilities, half the groceries, etc. You guys also jointly own the debt. All assets (house, cars) and debt (mortgage, credit cards) is half hers and half yours. This means you can stick at least half of this debt with her in a divorce. Or you can keep the debt and go for more support and then just declare bankruptcy and clear your obligations.

You need to put your foot down and make sure you are getting a fair deal in terms of custody, child support and financial support. Spend time looking up the laws in your state, gather all of your financial info and bills and get consultations with a couple of lawyers. You dont need to retain them, and this doesnt mean you will necessarily even divorce. But they will tell you you can do to protect yourself in terms of custody and finances. There is a very good chance you can put her on the hook for half of all household expenses since she left plus extra child support, but you need to hurry. You need this to take proper care of your kids, and her free ride will be over.

[Raul]

Fade,
I found a lawyer whom is known to take dead beat parents and cheating spouses to the cleaners. I accumulated so much debt because of her leaving. I am keeping records, timelines, receipts and waiting for her to file for the divorce. Thing is the attorney is expensive. My concern is the house we bought. She has not paid the mortgage in 5 months. But I am weighting my options.

Thanks for the advice.

[Bworl]

I understand that you love your wife.

But she doesn't love you.

If you had a best friend of many years, and one day they punched you in the face, golf you they couldn't stand your sorry butt, and they sent you packing, how many times would you keep going back to receive the same treatment?

I get it. She's your wife. But your behavior gives her all the control. Wouldn't life be easier if you chose to believe what she's saying and you took some control back?

Every time she reaches out in the smallest way, you leap for her arms...and get a fist in the face.

That makes no sense my friend...

Blessings,
Bill

[AndrewP]

Raul - I've been wondering how you were doing. You sound like you are being a rock and a safe place for your family in a very tough time.

Will your W discover that the single girl life isn't all it's cracked up to be? No way to tell that future.

You on the other hand, although you sound a bit down are doing everything that a good man could do. For people on the outside we may seem weak but they don't know the strength that it takes to stand firm in what you believe in.