It has been a heck of a year. I've tried to DB as best as I could. I think I have done OK and WW has been making moves back towards over the last few months. I'll open this thread with my girl Feyth's quote from my previous thread:
Originally Posted By: Feyth
Hi Pinn, Good plan. I agree with Sotto. Just sit back. No pushing.
It seems like you had a nice weekend. Yeah!
Here's a nugget to just keep under your hat for now. She is wondering why you are not pursuing. But why would you? After BD and all the messiness around it, why would you? You both haven't had the R talk and it's no place to bring it up yourself right now. But seriously, after all that went down, you are supposed to pine after her with no discussion about the sitch and no remorse expressed by her? Really?
We know DBing and we know that we have to treat them like a scared squirrel and get them to come to us so its not appropriate (right now) for you to be placing emotional boundaries at all. Right now the goal (if you want to R) is to build that friendship... But I think it's interesting that she is openly wondering why you are not pursuing even after she behaved so poorly a year ago. I would like to see her express a little trepidation in approaching you... After all YOU are the prize. You've done the work. Has she?and is she worth it?
Again, no action is needed from you right now, but don't act just because she wants you to. That seems like it would be taking one tiny step back into your old habits. Overall, however, I think you are staying true to yourself through this process and no matter what happens you'll be better than fine. Sit back... Keep letting her come to you a little bit longer... Keep being a friendly neighbor.
Great post Feyth... always making me think! I appreciate that.
That is a great point! Why should I pine for her? I actually want to say that to her, but that probably would not be a good move. You are right, we have not had a serious R talk yet and I am certainly not going to bring it up right now. I think she has shown small tid bits of remorse here and there, but certainly not enough. I think it could come with time though.
I am not sure if she has done the work, I don't think I can ask or make demands at the moment. The only thing I know that she has done is that she read the 5 love languages after I suggested it. Besides that I've told her it would be a ton of work. I think she would be fine with consuling. I think she would be fine with no contact in regards to the felon. He is not of concern to me, that was never going to work. Future OM2 or 3 or 4 is what concerns me. I think she would be hesitant to a transparency plan. So in terms of work, I guess we will see if she wants to put in the effort or not. Worst case is that I am in this same spot 2-3-5-10 years down the road. I would rather get divorced now.
Is she worth it? Not sure. I am certainly tired of dealing with this over the course of the last 20ish years.
Yea I think I will let her pursue a bit more. Maybe I am taking a small step backwards, not sure. She has been aggressive lately but we'll see if it continues. I think a serious R discussion will have to happen soon. Either way I'll keep on keeping on. Half marathon sunday!
Heading into the city with WW again tonight. Moving too fast? Moving too slow? Am I doing the right thing? Does this even mean anything?? I try not to even think of any of that right now. I go, have a good time, see a bit of the girl I married, come home and keep moving forward. I just focus on the time and not worry about the future. No expectations and I really don't have any. I feel like her asking to move back in and her asking to move forward with D are equally likely.
Things have been pretty much the same this week. The contact is about 65/35 at the moment, her being the 65. I still maintain my plans and do not plan around things with her in mind. I have a half marathon on sunday and have plans to go hiking one day next weekend.
I do think we have entered a new phase though and I think I need to re-read divorce busting with this perspective in mind. When I read it the last time, I was in a completely different mind set and being in this position was so so far away.
Oh yea, tomorrow is the anniversary of her moving out... go figure.
Dinner was good once again. WW looked good. She was being more physical this time which threw me off my game for sure. Nothing major but things like interlocking arms, hand holding etc which does not seem like a lot, but when you have not had that for 13 months it is strange to have it back. It definitely made me feel awkward and a bit uncomfortable to be honest.
Anyway, we had a nice dinner and then sat outside watching a crazy lightening storm for a while talking. It was funny she was talking about her car and how she is ready for a new one. She goes you know I like to switch in and out...I was like yea I know you like to switch things up. She was goes what is that supposed to mean? then I just changed the subject.
I walk her back to her car and she gives me a real tight hug and hits me with a pretty good kiss. Not overly passionate or anything, but a kiss nonetheless. I was thinking about doing it all night... it would have been a good 180 but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
Now I guess I just keep doing the same thing right? I feel like we need a relationship talk but I don't want to bring it up. Just keep going slow and know that one has to happen if anything is going to really change in our situation.
Year anniversary of WW moving out... Pretty surreal. Any thoughts on where I am at currently. I would love some opinions to make sure I stay grounded. Enjoy the weekend dbr's!
ugh as a person who has just begun his separation. Ugh, I dont need this sappy, positive lovey thing. Keep it up!!
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Thank Dark.. I am not really looking to change anything. I am just looking for some feedback if I am doing that sends out red flags to the DB'ing community. Or maybe some advice. K The worst worst worst case scenario is we get back together only to be back here in a few years. I'd rather get divorced now but I do not have a crystal ball. It is a weird spot to be in. LRT etc was easier in some ways.
I guess one thing to do is to really think about what it would take for us to get back together so that I am at least ready for the conversation, not that I would expect that.
