Don't know what to do

[stacey9]

Hi everyone

I've not posted in a while but could really use some advice. In a nutshell, H was living with OW in a lovely part of the country, living the perfect life. We had very little contact until a few months ago he asked to speak to me. What then followed caught me completely off guard, he was affectionate, giving me cuddles, kisses etc.

This carried on for the next few months and I was completely overwhelmed by it. Things moved quickly and got very passionate indeed, and I must admit I daydreamed of us getting back together.

During this time he admitted he wasn't happy and was thinking about moving back to our hometown as he missed the kids etc.

Then he moved back but his story started to change - he said he was going to be living on his own but still seeing the OW, as she was completely devastated by the split.

I told him I couldn't carry on with the snatched moments of passion (was this the right thing?), even though I wanted to, I could not be the OW, and if he wanted to talk about things in the future then I would be here to listen. Friends have told me I should have carried on with the kisses etc as it would remind him what he was missing, and I am still legally his wife, but I didn't want to make everything too easy for him.

Now I see him frequently and things are friendly and nice, but I know him and OW are back together again although she has not moved in. He has not shown me any affection since he has been back.

I feel such a fool for thinking we could work things out - everything just felt wonderful and I know he felt the same.

Now I'm back to feeling sick, stomach churning, can't eat etc, just like I was at the start.

Should I just carry on being friendly to him? Do you think he was just testing the waters in case things didn't work out with OW, then he had me as plan B?

I am an idiot.

[rd500]

Hi Stacey. You are not an idiot , you thought things had changed and reacted to it. We all might have done the same.

IMHO go back to DBing , I wouldn't be kisising or anything like that while OW is even a thought in his head

If your 100% sure he's back with OW then as hard as it may be to accept , any chance of a new R with you is not possible

Your two years into this and in one of cadets recent posts about MLC he said that it takes 2 years min and often longer ( I think he was talking about women) but the same goes for men

stay strong. Rd

[stacey9]

Thanks RD.

I was just so flattered that he seemed to notice me again. He was interested in my life, commenting on how good I looked and his face lit up when he saw me. He has shown no interest in me whatsoever since he moved back to town.

He was also reminiscing about the good times we had together and mentioned certain songs he hears which take him back there. He also mentioned going back to a place we'd stayed years ago.

Now he asks nothing about me, doesn't really make eye contact although he is still very pleasant.

He is definitely back with OW and I think he's besotted with her again.

You're right - I will need to stay strong

[Sotto]

Hi Stacey, I'm sorry to hear that happened - of course you made a choice to become involved with him whilst OW was on the scene, which I wouldn't recommend. I think your H has been cake-eating and perhaps not entirely sure where he wants to be - maybe wherever feels good at that point in time - before something else makes him feel better then off he goes.

I think you are quite right to have stopped any kind of romantic involvement with him given all present circumstances. And not as any sort of strategy, but because that doesn't work for you. When I read your post, it sounds as though you still think he is the prize here - and truly that is so not the case. Please remember that he would be very lucky if you were to consider reconciling given all that has happened.

I would strongly encourage you to forge forward and not even glance back unless he has an epiphany and wants to reconcile and will do whatever it takes to win you back. What GAL plans are you making for yourself at this point to help shift your focus from him? Also, do have a think about your boundaries - what is and isn't okay for you? - and try to follow a path that maintains your own self-respect and integrity....whatever he may be up to.

I hope I don't sound harsh and I do mean to help. However, I'm shaking my head a little that you are coming up to three years after BD and still sounding so attached to him when he is behaving so poorly....please do think about that. I found it really helpful to read Codependent No More, and I would recommend it to you if you haven't read it already.

Truly, if you met your H today, given all present circumstances, would you be interested in dating him or becoming an OW when he is cohabiting with someone? I'm not saying to give up hopes of ever reconciling, but please don't put your own life on hold for him for even a moment longer.

Take care Stacey and I do hope things start looking up for you soon :)X

[Zues126]

One thing I'm a big believer in is writing out what you'd need to see happen before you'd be willing to reconnect emotionally (or physically!) with WAS.

For example, for me I won't ever reconnect with WAS unless at a minimum:
-She tells me she made a terrible mistake
-She ends all contact with OM and all other men
-She tells me she would do anything possible to see if the M can be saved
-She is willing to go to IC, and agree to a complete transparency plan
-She demonstrates to me that this isn't a feeling she's having because things are tough or that she's lonely, but that this is based on beliefs and the realization that steering her life by feelings has been destructive to the family

IF all of those things happened, I would be at least willing to have a conversation with her.

Even still, I don't see myself connecting with her again. I can't even picture in my mind a universe in which I'd trust someone that would do these things. But while I don't think there's a snowball's chance of this happening, and if it did I still can't see me doing more than accepting her apology, I don't need to make grand declarations about what God may or may not do to my heart or hers in the future. I'm confident enough I don't need to burn bridges to feel safe.

But I can tell you one thing. I deserve more than being a plan B for a woman that is willing to destroy a family. And so do you. And there is no way I will do more than exchange monthly emails about kids' schedules for the rest of my days unless all of the above happened and I was convinced she was a totally different person than I knew in my former life as her husband.

OK, I get carried away. But what would you need to see from WAH before you were willing to open up again?

[Zues126]

That all said...I'd rather be an idealistic sucker that suffered from wanting to preserve a family than someone that would destroy a family and devastate others chasing a fantasy or temporary comfort.

[stacey9]

Thanks for your wisdom Sotto you are absolutely right he does seem to be cake eating and you have always advised against becoming involved while OW still on the scene. I wish I was not still so attracted to him after all this time but I am. I have been GAL and thought I had moved on but the reality is all he had to do was flash his smile and hold me tightly and I melted. I'm not proud of this but it is what it is.

And Zues thank you too for your insight. I always said if H was regretful and desperate to R I would be open to this. Unfortunately he is showing no signs of this. TBH I think him and OW hit a bit of a rough spot and he was looking for a bit of comfort. I met all his needs at that time.

While I'm not proud of how I succumbed so easily I cannot put it all on him. I probably wanted it more than he did.

I just cannot thank you all for your kind words. You have not been too harsh. You speak the truth and I appreciate it. This is such a long difficult journey that no one else could understand unless theyve been through it.

I do not post here very much but read the posts almost every day still.

Thank you all.

[SunnyB]

Stacey, I'm really sorry this happened. (((Stacey)))

I remember when you posted about this a few months ago and this is what I said then:

Stacey, I don't think you should do anything different at all. He might be testing the waters, or saying sorry, in which case, nothing's changed. Stay your ground, he still lives with OW, one kiss doesn't change that.

There's always a possibility he's ready to do something different, but that only reaffirms that what you were doing is working. It's too early to change anything yet.

I have to say I still stand by that. Go back to whatever you were doing at the time before you got sidetracked. Don't beat yourself up, it's in the past, live and learn.

As for your friends saying keep on acting like an OW to remind him what he's missing, that doesn't make any sense to me. If he's getting it, he can't miss it. Stand your ground.

[stacey9]

Thanks Sunny. I've just found out he's moving back in with OW. He hasn't said anything to me yet I found out from his sister. I'm devastated. They only lived apart for a matter of weeks. When he decided to move back to his hometown he told me before anyone else (apart from OW) but this time I wonder if he'll even mention this to me.

Whatever happened between them must have been pretty drastic to have him move, but all appears peachy now.

Anyway I will need to get my PMA back and get on with it.

Thanks again for the advice xx

[SunnyB]

Stacey, how's it going today?