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Vise,

Don't rush the dating thing, please. I understand being lonely but you're trying to fill a void right now and all a new woman will be is temporarily self-medicating the pain away. It will cause you more pain than the M has done if done at the wrong time and it could hurt her also.

You can be alone for a while and enjoy being single. I promise its not as bad as you think. You get to learn who you are and enjoy life in a way you never have before. Be a single adult and heal from this before you jump into something new.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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Hey Sotto, rich4j and fogg for checking in on me.

So a bit of an update,

I will start with WW and her continuing to expect me to look after the boys on her days. She has been asking still like before and I am not able to help her out. I told her that if I can I will if not I wont. She has taken that as me being unreasonable and has contacted her lawyer to follow through with going after my pension. We had a verbal agreement that she started herself and reinforced it three times with me that she does not want any part of my pension. Was not in writing and now she is going after it. I see my lawyer Friday as she is forcing me to act on it.

I have asked to talk to her in person on this and divorce and kids access to my family, first she refused to meet said nothing to talk about, then she agreed, she wanted to talk about her dad taking kids to his hunting lodge on part of my days.

So via text I further agreed to the weekend for the kids with her dad, then when it was time for the meeting she did not want to meet. She wanted to talk over text.

So I reluctantly agreed, sent some texts about how I was willing to give her the space she wanted apart but I wont live in a open marriage and seeing how she was involved with OM that kids know about, I was going to move ahead to divorce. Then told her about my family, we clearly disagree and I will be going forward with the resolution process and with my pension I just told her I cant trust her anymore with the amount of lies she is telling me. And that I want nothing to do with her with all this lying.


She did not respond to anything.

I did go an another date with another woman. I am not doing anything physical right now. But I can not sit at home, I need to get out there to and use this time to push me in the direction that I will be heading ready or not. I seem to have some momentum socially and I am using this energy to help me

This week end was another disrespectful treatment from her, I have the kids on Sunday and was to bring them to her on Monday. SHe text me in the morning that she will be at her house at 3:00 in the after noon. She did not ask just telling me. Well kid drop off is noon and I had to be at a dinner two hours away. Told her this . In the end she was still late and lied to me saying she was in traffic, she was at a fair that she goes to every year and even wearing the same outfit she wears when she goes.

I told her I have a life too. She just shrugs her shoulders. The toxic relationship from the MR is now spilling into the new dynamic of co parenting.

She is pushing the limits of what she can get away with. I wont be walked on as she is still trying to walk over me. She did not care I was going to be late for my dinner with my family. She was lying to me right to my face. What happened I asked, She tells me traffic. One word and one big lie, with a shrug again, sort of saying I am going to lie to you and don't care on bit.

So I am going ahead with everything, this is the reality, I don't plan to get into a relationship but if it happens I am ok with it. I think the key for me is the divorce. I choose not to live in limbo. I choose to be around people that care for me. I have gotten more caring from strangers then her. There is hope out there for me. Many great people that I can surround myself with including some on this forum.

This forum is about saving your MR but I accept the reality that I don't have one anymore. You cant be in a MR with yourself. It is also known that this forum and DBing can do something even greater, save yourself. I feel I have. I feel I have left no stone unturned. I feel I have lived in limbo long enough and life needs to be lived. I need to move forward.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
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Vise,

I'm sorry to tell you, but the D won't solve your WW's disrespect or changing pickup/dropoff times. That is who she is now.

Set enforceable boundaries, call her out when she's late, telling her it's unacceptable. If she continues to make the handoffs really difficult, could you find a place, friends or family, where the kids get dropped off and you can pick up, so she doesn't make you late?

She's not pushing limits, she's doing what she wants, and isncake eating you. You ARE getting walked on.

Moving on isn't divorce. Moving on means grieving, detaching, and putting time and distance between you two. I'm still grieving. I think it will take at least another 6 months - in counseling, and while I have accepted my singleness, and like it, I'm still grieving the loss of the family.

Would you get angry if someone besides her did this to you? If so, what would you say to them? Treat her as such.


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
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Sorry things are getting nastier and agree with trumpet. I think we have the same stories

The divorce is a piece of paper as many have said on this site.

In terms of the handoffs and being late etc....document things officially to her. I can't recall if you have any legal custody agreement yet in place but if not, get it done. And when she is late or does this type of stuff, send somethign via email saying you are documenting violating our agreement. Put the hammer down...

I have stepped up my distancing myself from my STBX although we only live 2 blocks away with things like this. I push back on things I used to cave in on and it sounds eerily similar to yours. Example is about going to a teacher conference together as my daughters teacher offered separate sessions...I grabbed it. She freaked out and said it was disrespectful....I didn't respond as I also don't want to sit in the same room with a liar.

The family loss won't go away for a long time. I still get bummed out about the family unit but not about her if that makes sense.


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
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Vise, how are things going?


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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