Out of in house S - On My Own (11)

[vise82]

Hey,

I had a long weekend as I took Friday off because the sitter wanted the day off. Stayed home with the boys watched movies and just spent time with them in the house. The next day was more busy, took kids and dog out to the park then did kid drop off. I go to leave and W stops me in the street to ask about something that we already texted about.

Had my sister visit after. Was a good visit, got ice cream and went to a Greek festival. Had a good talk also about the dating world now as she is single and had a lot to say about it.

The next day I was down a little as some of the talk was about my sitch. Just took it easy and slept most of the day. I did not have soccer.

The day after that I had issues with my washing machine and then headed out to my brothers for a BBQ dinner. One of my other brothers was there. Had not seen him in three years. He mentions the date of last day he saw me. He was unsure but opened up and showed some understanding later into the night.

W texted about kids water bottles she needed and wanted me to drop off or she could pick them up. I dropped them off and left them in the mail box.

So feeling better. still feel like the rope is dropped. see how it goes moving forward.

[vise82]

Hey,

Looks like detaching has helped me,

Yesterday boys start going into how their mom needs to get a truck so that when they sleep over OM house in the country in the winter they wont get stuck. This is the fist I heard his name. SO I ask the kids who? They repeat then say that their mom is going to show more pictures of his house and that he has a 16 year old son that is going to give them rides on dirt bikes.

The news was unsettling but it did not affect me that much.

I am guessing she has just met this guy, kids know about him, She has told me nothing.

So I text her asking about him and who he is, she asks why. I reply Really?

She asks me to be more specific. So she is not wanting to tell me. I ask again in your life who is he to you. She asks again why.

I tell her what kids told me and that W and OM must be serious if he is meeting the boys and that I wanted to know why its ok for this guy who she just met can visit with the boys but my brother and his new baby cant.

She down plays it saying she is just talking to this guy and its nothing serious, that the kids just read a text and that how they know about him.

Well kids did more then that, and they told me more but I did not tell her that.

She is lying to me again. Why who knows.

I did write another text say that she is lying and that kids did tell me more and that this is not how I should be finding out stuff from her through the kids.

But I have not sent it.

Part of me wants to get angry but why, there is nothing to get angry about we are no longer together, She can date who ever she wants. The only sticky part is we still are technically married. But I don't know if I even see us as married right now.

If I had the money I would let her know that I was going to put in the paper work to get that piece of paper. The whole three people in the marriage thing doesn't work for me, but she does not even see us as together anymore so that would be a formality.

Do I still see us as married? sort of. Practically no we're far from it. It depends on what is the proper way to act during a separation? Is it to be single and date and have relationships or is it a time to be by yourself to reflect work on yourself and make a decision on weather you want to go to that final step of ending the MR?

So I want to use this fact that I know that she is dating and has told me to talk to her about us. Confirming that it is the end as she has started dating. I know what the answer is, but to get it out in the open and to end it on her actions. I don't think I will do the talk but its tempting.

I think I have realized that I don't want her anymore but I don't know if that is me telling myself that to protect myself from heart ache. That is what I feel. And its sad because I read about so many that are fighting for the MR. I feel I have done that, and have left no stone unturned.

So W asked me to give her the class list to her because she is having a party for S4 with all his kids in his class.

We talked about it and I said no to us throwing a party together , I don't have the money to spend on that right now. So she is going ahead with it. Now it would have been better if she agreed with me but no now that makes me look bad. Even when we were together we could not afford it.

So it looks like he is going to get 3 birthday parties. One from me, one from W and one from W parents.

[rich4j]

V-

The reality of it may hurt but you knew this already in your heart I think.

I don't know what state you live in but where i live infidelity could be part of a divorce filing that is "with cause" If you can prove it and helps in the divorce itself

BUT forget the legalese for a minute. Personally, if I had my d7 visiting with my STBX other guy I would require I know more about it and that the lying stop. I would demand it.... its actually something that in a custody discussion woudl be a big issue. I think its time for you to put the hammer down!

[JRuss]

Just a newby here, but I think your 7 and 4 year old on dirt bikes with a 16 year old is a legitimate topic of discussion and something you can likely put your foot down on and prevent if you think it too dangerous. It should be because of genuine concern for the kids, though, and not an attempt to drive a wedge between kids and W or even kids and OM because it would enmesh you back into what you've worked so hard to detach from. Also, your W could use it to drive a wedge between you and your kids (i.e., dad's the mean one, I'm nice, etc.).

[vise82]

Hey

Thank you for the input rich4j and jruss.

At this point the custody is already agreed upon in the seperation agreement. We put nothing in the agreement about dating and new parteners and whe they can spend time with the kids. Somthing I am wishing I put in.

Also with the dirt bike worry, I canot do anything about it. Her time is her time with the kids, Unless she leaves them longer then 4 hours with someone I cant say a thing.

She has done that with her brother and did not tell me anything about it. I told her she has to tell me. She brushed it off saying they go every year basicly telling me she did not have to tell me because of that. I find that disrespectful of the agreement and me.

So now that she has asked me to send her the class list to her. I send it and then I ask is that her way of telling me she is having a class birthday party even though she asked me, I said no and she is going ahead with on anyway?

I also said that those type of parties cost alot of money that I dont have right now and I dont see how she can have that type of money.

Right now I am temped to continue with this discusion as she emailled me back saying that yes she is going ahead with the party with out me and thanked me for the list.

I am so mad right now.

So she asks me and was going to diregard what I said anyway. she clearly just wanted me to help pay for it. Kids dont need to invite the whole class for a birthday party.

She says S4 has been asking all summer for a party and she is going to give him one.

I want to reply that since when does the kid tell the parent what to do?

Also tonight I see on my kids Ipad that some reason her recipt for the app tinder was CC to S4 IPads mail box. Is this normal? I dont have ipad phone so not sure if this was done by her or did apple do this?

It was dated two months ago. 27.99 a month for the upgraded package charged to her CC.

Ok So I want to send another email to her asking if she met this OM on tinder. Then ask her if she is on tinder. Then tell her I am going to divorce her as from what she told me she needed the seperation to figure things out and had no interest in dating other people. One month after we both moved out she gets the app. I will not be in an open MR.


But I know the answer to all this. Show her by actions. try to keep dark. Focous on me and my kids. I will talk to my S4 about the party I have planned for him his brother and me. I will tell him that is the best I can do at this time, and we are going to have fun (taking him to build a bear).

I am seeing my lawyer about putting in the offer for the house I am renting now. When that is all done and if I have extra money I am going to look at finishing the paper work to divorce my very WW. I just need to keep that frame of mind right now to help me move forward. Will i do that? I dont know.

I keep telling myself I deserve better, I can do better.Things for me and my boys are going to get better.

Had a great day with the boys today, did some fishing and we all caught fish, was all of ours fist time catching a fish.

Then tonight I put S7 to bed and I lay ther next to him for a bit in his bed just looking at his face, and good flash backs of me doing that with W show up in my mind. Its amazing how the two years of all the bad stuff that happened between us and the good stuff finds a way through like the bad stuff never happend.

[vise82]

Hey,

I have the kids again now. And my time with out them I found I was not grounded, I was floating, I was connecting to a couple of friends and my sister and brother but they would not reply right away also they are in other cities. I feel kind of lost. Like I am swimming but getting nowhere.

I guess I am still not comfortable on my own yet. That I was too co dependent on someone else for a lot of things.

So having the kids I am better and focused. S7 was again telling me about OM and how they are going to visit him and his kid. He said he lives like 20 min away and that his mom visits him when ever she does not have kids at her house.

I think he must over hear this stuff and for some reason he is telling me word for word what he hears. He told me once that he likes when grown-ups talk because he listens but they don't think he can hear them.

I have already confronted WW about this and about not exposing the boys to him unless they are in a serious relationship. So I don't think I need to mention anything again right now.

I was thinking of talking to S7 and ask him why is he telling me this stuff about his moms guy friend. I was also thinking of telling him there is nothing I can do about who she visits or is friends with. That its his moms choice not to be with me right now also. That I would much prefer to be together as a family it is just not an option right now.

I don't know if that is too much info for him or what but I think he is telling me this stuff so that I do something about it. And I don't want him to look at me and think I just did not fight for the MR or his mom.

Also WW is forcing the agreement that we made that I would pay for morning day care. But it is bothering me that I did not fight that as I agreed because she was going to otherwise fight for full custody. It was early and some how it made it into the agreement. My lawyer never said anything about it and I did not ask. I feel like I was bullied into that and now I have another expense that only I have to pay for that is kid related.

So some advise when making your separation agreements fight for what you believe is right for you and run it past your lawyer and listen to your lawyer.

[rich4j]

v-

You can always amend a custody agreement but the cost to do so may outweight the morning day care payment :-)

I would not get too deep with the S7 on the other guy. My STBX digs into my D7 and asks what i am doing, who was I with, where did you go? My advice would be to just say your mom has friends and if she wants to spend time with them that is really her choice. Just my 2 cents

I have crossed over into saying the family thing before to my D and then felt bad as she doesnt understand that her mom screwed this all up. But ...I think she knows that anyway ....I bet yours does too

[vise82]

Hey Rich4j,

For the morning care I am just eating the cost, I adjusted my work start time and its realistic right now that gives me time to get them to school and me to work on time. Any more adjustment would be a rush and would rush being late and with how kids can be being rushed is not a good thing in the morning.

As for other stuff I have spent more time with my brothers going to auto races, keeping in touch with my sister were planning to meet up again. Soccer is almost done now and I signed up for the winter season.

I decided to get out into the dating thing. My sister was nudging me. Talked to a bunch of girls on line, met up with one of them. I have mixed emotions, was very unsure if it went well as I have nothing to gauge it against as it was the first woman I met.

After the date the confusion got to me and my emotions as my marriage mind set is really blocking me from enjoying this. I felt the need to get approval from WW before moving forward. I was wanting confirmation that she yes is done and has no interest in us at all. Her actions all indicate that but when I asked her about the guy she is seeing she down played it saying they are just talking. I wanted the truth even if it hurt me to help to mentally move forward.

In everyway we are divorced but with out the official paperwork. And that was stopping me from enjoying myself with this woman that was throwing herself at me to some degree. I did not expect it, did not expect the sadness of the loss of the MR. Did not expect the missing of WW. I resisted the need to reach out to her. I want to break free from her and I think talking to her would just set me back.

Maybe its just a bump on the road that I need to get over on my own. Or its sign I am just not that ready, but I do want to see her again, I want to get to the other side of this. To live and be happy.

[Sotto]

Hey Vice, do you think you are ready to date given all you've posted above? It doesn't sound like it if your W is so central in your thoughts. If I was the girl you went out with, I'd be really concerned about that, and if you are in this place it may be fairest to wait a while.

I never saw a single person post - Oh, I wish I hadn't waited so long to start dating - but I have seen many regrets about starting too soon.

[rich4j]

V-

Your just not ready my friend which is Ok. Especially from what you wrote about not being able to enjoy the date etc... For some I think it takes a while...a friend of mine took 2 years before she could really go out and date.

Everyone is different. I think you need closure and not to be in limbo so much. Not fair to you. Personally it killed me for months, lost weight. sleep, was miserable..... Now...while I do miss my daughter not being here all the time I am adjusting to the new life and really have thought deep/hard about what is important to me as a person and for who I choose to spend time with in terms of any new relationship. you will get there!