I will deal with the issues raised at the end of my last thread soon. But first, I wanted to give a quick update.
I did not have s14 over the weekend. I also asked d18 if she wanted to come over during last week. But they did not respond to my texts.
Yes, I suspected W was the reason for the kid's failure to respond. But W started texting me today, and was a bit chatty. I learned s14 broke his phone, which explains his not responding. S14 stole d18's phone cord (to turn in to school), which explained d18's not responding to me. So my suspicions against W were unwarranted.
Today was d18's 1st day of work at a nearby mall for a large retailer. W invited me to pick her up (she does not drive) and we had a bite to eat together to catch up. It was really nice. My voice is coming back (low scratchy voice), and we were able to have a comfortable convo.
I went in making sure I was not going to ask about d18 living with W and om. But d18 freely shared:
- s14 and d18 have found a nice relationship together - d19 said they are ganging up together against om. I foolishly said, "oh a common enemy", which did not get a good response from d18;
- d21's pregnancy due in August is resulting in a number of baby showers. D18 said that W is not going to my family's shower or her own family's shower. W is back to fighting with her sisters, involving unsubstantiated accusations of W's theft from an elderly family member. This is so sad;
- we had a nice long talk about the "Bachelorette" I explained that I hated Jordan who is a former football player. D18 did not understand. I explained that Jordan's being Aaron Rodgers' brother (a Green Bay Packer) makes him more of a villain to me even than Chad.
My recovery from last month's hospital stay is going slow but sure. I'm feeling good.
A wonderful Friday here. Let's start it with a Lawyer's joke:
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors. The first is a young, health athlete who died in an automobile accident.
The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.
The third is an attorney who died after practicing law for thirty years. Which one do you want?”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. “It was easy,” said the patient.
Let me start with AJ's insightful comments from my previous thread. He said:
"...I'm wondering if in Wet's (opinion), it wasn't temporary. If, looking back it turns out that things weren't as good in the relationship for longer than previously expressed and thought.
Maybe. Maybe not. But I do feel it is worth exploring for the sake of perspective.
At no time do I believe that any of us are victims though. We always have choices. We often choose based on reference (what we view as "normal" whether FOO or societal norms) from what I've seen and experienced.
Come to think of it, what do I know anyway? smile
What do you think, Wet? AJ"
AJ, you've given me something to think about. I have always considered the first 15 years of our marriage as really good. We had our children, home, I discovered and then was growing in my Christian faith, W and I did church ministry together.
But underlying this was my choice not to focus on growing my business and to focus on my Christian faith and service. W loved helping out at out kids' schools, and kept herself busy with finding friends and family to help out with.
Now d21 told me early on that I, and not W, who was the one who took the kids to their sports games and practices, attended school events, and worked with the kids to make sure homework was done. W was more interested in socializing with other adults.
And again, I was the sole breadwinner and W cost us more than she brought in with her projects of photography and scrapbooking/making low-cost jewelry.
W would get stressed out when finances were tight, and made sure I knew it. But we fought rarely. She would just become stressed.
So AJ, I guess you are right. I masked the problems in our early marriage with the excitement of having kids, my new-found faith, and by serving at church. I wasn't paying attention to the problems I / we were facing.
One last interesting recent comment from my Mom. She said W and I did not bring out the best from each other. I see what my Mom is saying, as we had more 'playing' in our lives rather than making our lives work. Thanks for your stopping by again AJ.
First - Riddle: What do you find in the middle of nowhere? Answer - the letter 'h'
An observation: you've had quite the remarkable life and one that seems quite blessed.
I can relate but I would caution you to be careful of well-meaning friends and family that re-remember your past for you. While it may be true that you two didn't bring out the best in each other, I think it's a bit more important to understand if that's true or not from your perspective. I'd say you had all kinds of great things come out. Things that were important to you such as your kids and your faith. I do of course, wonder if you may have had an imbalanced relationship. I'm pretty sure I did, but then again that's looking back and I don't know that I can trust the lens.
As the old saying goes, you need to forgive yourself first. Do you see why I would say that, Wet? I'm quite sure you will if not already.
The other thing to remember - when you know better, do better. After listening after all these years, I don't ever recall thinking that you did less than your best in any aspect of your life, Wet. Based on your goals and beliefs, you're one of those people that walks the walk and talks the talk. Genuine.
If I may suggest, I think this is an area you may want to explore a bit more. I'll say that your W is far more friendly than mine and her H but that there are many other similarities in our stories. I suspect that in that difference (between the stories of our lives), you may find some of the areas that need additional thought and reflection. You may find some nuggets worth harvesting there
-AJM
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks AJ. I find helpful your suggestion that I not allow friends/family members to re-remember the past for me.
Monday was d19's b-day. Yesterday was mine. I took the youngest 2 kids to a movie. We finally saw 'Cpt. America, Civil War'. I brought the kids back to W's after the movie, but W did give me some left-over cheesecake from d19's b-day. It was delicious.
I then had a visit from d21. She is due in August and looking big. She brought me a grandpa shirt and hat. I'm just not ready yet to be called 'grandpa', so my response to her gifts was lukewarm at best.
Yuck! the divorce just got real. I just got off the phone with an intake coordinator for the mediators who will be deciding the custody issue for s14 in July.
He was asking questions that I wasn't really ready to answer: are there violence issues, drinking issues, my social security number (ha, I never give my social security number to someone on the phone!)
S14 and om have had run-ins, but things seem to be settled down now b/c s14 is hanging out with his friends. This may be a bad sitch for s14, but when I saw him yesterday he was opening up 10 Pokeman packs, so he still seems like the innocent geeky teenager to me.
I am ready to air all of om's dirty laundry, if W won't agree to joint physical custody like last August om broke in to W's place, hit/shoved W, and police were called). But it seems like a longshot right now for me being the primary home for s14. I am torn on how nasty to get.
If they ask you questions, be honest w/your answers...but you don't have to go over board in responding. You can also advise them that what you are telling them may have come from your son, etc., i.e., that you didn't witness the behavior of the om.
As for your social security number...you were smart in not giving that out. If they need it later, they can ask for it in person and explain why they require it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
