You handled that great!! Good job betterm I think you are right on cue to put the 72 hour window into effect here. She is likely torn on her decision to file. She probably as friends or family pushing her to do so, but she may not want this in the end. If you don't want a D, then let her do everything. Yes you need to be prepared, but let her do all the heavy lifting when it comes to the process. You just keep working on the best you. If she text you or stops by just say you need to time to process all of this and that you will talk to her about it after that time has passed. Good job. Hang in there
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
You handled that great!! Good job betterm I think you are right on cue to put the 72 hour window into effect here. She is likely torn on her decision to file. She probably as friends or family pushing her to do so, but she may not want this in the end.
I don't want to "predict" too much, but I think you're right on with this. I know she spewed all of our MR problems to her friends and family and they soaked it up and fed it right back to her. I've read a lot about W's feeling "trapped" and so they don't know anything other to do than file for D. It's not uncommon that W's file out of pure confusion and influence.
Especially with her back and forth of leading up to this moment of "i don't want a divorce", "we have 60 days to resolve this", "i don't know what else to do, i feel like I've tried everything". etc etc. It's the common "trapped" feeling that forces a W to file.
However, I'm taking everything with a grain of salt during this. Her confusion, is not my concern right now, and I can't get optimistic that I can turn this thing around by influencing her one way or the other. All I can do is "do me" and if she thinks she has made the wrong choice before it's all said and done, we can talk about that when the time comes. But I don't think I'll be initiating any MR conversations.
I'm a little conflicted on my feelings of EA/OM. I quit thinking about it all together, thinking if she's going to do it, she's going to do it. I haven't snooped in over a week and it's been 100x more peaceful for me. Thanks for making me want to snoop again, doodler! Jk, I'm not putting myself through that anymore.
The EA was heavy back the week of 4/2. I saw some texts where she basically said 'I have to stop talking to you" around 4/10. It went dead for 3-4 weeks, other than 1-2 texts from him to her during this time (she never responded). Then, around 5/10, she was responding a bit, and shortly after, it turned to 3,5,10,15 minute phone calls. I haven't snooped since I confronted her, and don't plan on it anymore.
He's married, coming up on 2 years too, he's not 'handsome', he's kind of unintelligent, but he listened to her I'm sure. Him and his wife (and both families) are very 'christian value' religious. (Har Har Har!) I just try not to think about it for now. I've already "forgiven" her for whatever happened, and I'll take blame for creating the void in her that allowed her to stray. I don't forgive the action of the EA (or PA if it happened), but I do forgive the person committing the action (including myself, which I'm still working on).
I honestly don't think he's a MAJOR influencer, as I don't see him leaving his W, but you never know. I'm sure he is a valid influencer, as someone who's shown my wife she is worthy of being listened to, cared for, and respected by other men... His W's sister is married to a friend of mine, so I could always gather intel if I wanted to, but honestly, I just don't care about knowing that kind of stuff right now. That doesn't help me focus on me.
I was served D papers yesterday. Like I said, All I can do right now is do me. Not worry about what others are doing in life, whether right or wrong.
That is a great attitude to have regarding to that. Keep it up!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
That is a great attitude to have regarding to that. Keep it up!
Originally Posted By: betterm
I haven't snooped in over a week and it's been 100x more peaceful for me.
Cbt, I know you struggle with this, so if it makes you feel any better... the "day I stopped snooping", was also the day I threw my mountain bike in my truck, and went from place to place riding around where I thought she may be hanging out with OM... so, ummm, I'm not the best either. but, it was that night, that I decided to stop snooping. We all struggle with it, I guess you could say that was my rock bottom... i realized, 'this just isnt' right'... <sadface>, but betterm has come out aheaad since then!
oh yeah, did I tell you all, I received my financial/asset TRO yesterday, yet somehow, I'm buying a motorcycle tonight. vroom vroom!
I hope you're doing well today. I'll tell you, after seeing my lawyer yesterday I'm feeling a lot better. still not sure what I'm going to say when the petitioner drops the kids off Sunday. I'm going to try to say very little, I have a feeling she's going to try to bait me into something. I may just go with the "I respect your decision. I don't think divorce is the solution. I will continue to work on myself and I don't want to discuss this right now."
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
I hope you're doing well today. I'll say "I respect your decision. I don't think divorce is the solution. I will continue to work on myself and I don't want to discuss this right now."
I'm doing pretty good...better than expected, thanks for asking. I'm glad you found some ease after seeing your L. And your plans on what to say seem to be the go to mantra of the DB coaches and people on this forum. I've modified it into a couple different ways (with my other ball-buster coach), just because I was tired of sounding like a broken record. Same message using I statements, just different verbiage.
She will try to bait you in, but remember: You should feel that your in total control of everything. She's already in control of the decisions she's made, and the actions she chooses, it's your job to remain in total control of your decisions, your actions and your responses to others actions, no matter how crazy they are.
