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#158550 07/08/03 04:36 AM
Joined: May 2003
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Things have improved a lot over the past five weeks or so, at least with regard to the frequency of sex in my marriage. My wife read SSM and found some of it helpful. Now we are averaging about twice a week, which is a huge improvement!

She told me that one thing that was hurting our sex life was that I would question her about what she enjoyed, how much she enjoyed it, and what would make sex better, after we had sex. It made her feel performance anxiety, and that she wasn't meeting my expectations.

She has made it clear that we are not to discuss our lovemaking, especially with regard to how good/bad the experience was. Of course, during sex she will say "no" to certain actions, such as a change in position or touching her breast. I asked her to try and say "please" to certain actions that she wants (whatever they may be), but she is not comfortable with that.

So, while I am happy with the frequency of sex lately, I am not sure how to make things more interesting and pleasurable for both of us.

Right now it is very easy for me to follow the recipe that I know works. As long as sex is very, very predictable and repetitive, she is happy. And I am okay with that for the time being, but she is right about one thing. My expectations for the quality of sex are higher than this.

So does anyone have suggestions for how to gently and safely add a little more spice to our sex life? Or should I just be happy to bake the same dessert every time?

Advice from low-desire women is especially appreciated... thanks!

#158551 07/08/03 04:44 AM
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As a formerly low-desire woman, I have something to say that probably won't help much. She has to find her sexuality when she's ready, and there may not necessarily be anything you can do to make that happen before she is ready. I was such a landmine of anxiety, that there was almost no right thing for my husband to do to help things. I'd say he wasn't doing this right or doing that right, but now I know that I was an unpleasable person. My needs were a moving target. It may really have nothing to do with you. My husband ended up leaving me, and that was what lit a fire under my butt. For me, it was untreated ADHD (I know I had it, but I didn't know how much it was affecting my ability to be intimate.)

I don't know your wife, and whatever is causing her anxiety could be any of a million things. It may be out of your control to make her get better. I would say be gentle with her. Perhaps the best advice I can give is to say the serious conversation about sex for a time other than when you're having it. Plan what you're going to say, use I-statements (I feel frustrated when...) rather than accusations. At the same time, being honest with her. Especially if your feeling is starting to be "Why not cheat?" as your handle implies. She may not realize that it's coming to that. She deserves to know. Not as a threat, but as a possible reality.

OK. Hope that give you something to think about and maybe it will help some.

#158552 07/08/03 06:22 AM
Joined: Feb 2003
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Egads, man. It's an epidemic!

"That was fun, thanks" is about as far as we get afterwards. It is bad form to critique performances afterwards, at least for sex anyway :-)

As for unleashing that sexual monster trapped inside your wife (seen only after liberal doses of particular solvents), don't waste your time. The only reason alcohol seems to work is that it causes her body to release a fair amount of testosterone into her bloodstream. Add to that a dash of euphoric inhibition and the real fun starts - well, sometimes anyway.

'Sexy' is a state of mind, and a turned on woman, of any size or shape, is a sight to behold.

I have wasted thousands of dollars over the years on jewlery, frilly things and anything that she even remotely expressed an interest in. Two Christmases ago, it was about $900 at victorias secret. I think she finally wore a couple of the bras. The rest are still in the original gift bag. Recently, I bought some nice stuff from Fredricks (if you can call it quality, what do I know), then I purchased some really nice gold ankle bracelets/chains, and a gold waist chain. They are still in the original packing. She liked them, but she won't wear them.

We have been waiting for 27 years for her self-image to improve, yet she is already a stunning woman. Go figure.

Like I said, 'sexy' is a state of mind, and nothing short of an epiphany, is going to change my wife. No matter how hard I have tried, I have been unable to phone one in.

I hope you and your wife fare better, but don't give up on the formula.

-NOPkins-


I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.

-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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