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Joined: Sep 2011
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Agreed - find one or two close friends to discuss with. Maybe an Alanon friend.

I am glad I wasnt discussing my sitch all over town 5 years ago, now 5 years later I am catching up long time friends regarding what happened. It is much easier now discuss and its a much clearer story, much less muddled by emotions.


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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TabD Offline OP
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Thank you everyone. I am back, took a week to i don't know what to do. I would say be me, but that wasn't it. I don't know what this last week was. GRRR.... well our C cancelled on our, got an appointment with H's addiction C and then as I was pulling into the parking lot he cancelled and said he just wasn't ready to meet with her AND me. i told H that I wouldn't go. H said he isn't ready. i went to the appointment and filled the C in on the happenings since she last saw him, which was Dec 2015. she believes H started drinking again at that point, maybe not full force but enough that he was starting his addiction mind set again.

this week was my bday week. i tried REALLY hard not to talk to H at all... but things i think got out of hand. OW was out of town this weekend so H came to the house to spend my bday with me. things didn't go well at all... he had anxiety so bad it wasn't even enjoyable. he had anxiety because H told OW he would take care of her dog. i told him go take care of the dog. Then when H got back we had to talk finances and i BLEW up.... i was yelling screaming, crying, etc. I have not done any of that since all of this crap started. Yes I cried to myself and not let him see but I just lost it and I don't know why.

Then Sunday my family threw me a surprise 40th party. I really enjoyed myself... i was shocked i had NO clue. But as I was pulling into the parking lot of the party my H text me that I broke up with OW. I hope you are happy. I didn't respond as I didn't think it needed a response. H went to friends house to talk and H was all worked up because I wasn't talking to him. I just don't know the right response. am i happy , yes, should i be, yes. will i let H know. I don't think so. it wasn't a game I won (yes my H is the prize i hope to get back) but right now is not the time. H did text again that night stating he wasn't doing good. I called H due to he is depressed and he has attempted suicide before. I talked with H for about 1/2 hour and got H calmed down. Then yesterday didn't talk to H much, but then we ended up at the same friends house to watch basketball... I tried really hard to be his Friend. I just wanted to hug and kiss him and tell him it was going to be ok.

i am working on detaching and i am struggling with that.


wife of an addict
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Happy Belated Birthday! I'm glad that your family threw you a surprise birthday party. I'm sure it was a very nice party w/family all around you.

As for your h, he may have broke up w/the ow, but it's not over for them. He still is dog sitting and that's a tie w/them for now. His withdrawal from her is going to take a while and if he can cut all contact w/her after the dog sitting chore, that would be great...but that's on him to do this. Of course, he's going to blame you for his unhappiness and also the breaking up w/the ow...but that's not your worry right now. He's got a lot of work to do and you can't rescue him because he's got to hit bottom before he can rise to the surface again. Will he hit bottom? Time will tell.

For now, your focus has to be on you and taking care of you. Be a good listen to your h, but don't try to fix him...you can't. He will need to make the move to see an IC and possibly go into rehab to get a grip on his addiction.

Fasten your seat belt because it's going to be a bumpy ride for quite some time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Job,
Thank you! I know in my mind i can't fix him, i am currently working on reminding my heart that I can't. I have to let him hit rock bottom.

dog sitting is done with. it was just for this past weekend. it was done when H text me that he broke up with her.

H has found a place to stay, i am in a tizzy about it. not to him, but to myself. I don't want this, but i can't stop it. as it will be worse if I try!


wife of an addict
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I wonder if he's going to stay w/friends, rent a room or an apartment...watch the financial side of things from now on. I hope that I am wrong, but he may very well begin spending a bit of money to furnish his new place and on himself. They do get the "entitlement bug" along the way.

No, you didn't want this, but you can't stop it either. The only things that you can do is pray and protect your finances/assets.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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H told me he found this place on Craigslist. A guy is looking for a roommate. No lease no deposit just month to month.

I'm trying to protect my/our finances. H is starting new job tomorrow. worried he won't put check into our account to help protect his kids. I cannot afford our home without his check.

I lost it when I got home today and went to our bedroom and saw the almost empty closet. I know that we can come back from these things as my H and I have in the past. But never like this. H has never left our gamut home before!


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How are you TabD? I keep checking if there are some news from you but no. I hope it's what they say: no news good news.
I can relate how you feel about almost empty closet in the bedroom. When this happened to me I filled it up with his stuff which were in another room. Mostly winter stuff that he didn't need. Felt better :-).
I second everything Job said.
Sending some strength your way.
B.


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I've been out of it. I lost track of reality. My D graduated high school should have been one of the happiest days of our lives. It was the straw that broke the camels back. That was a week ago Sunday. Then on Monday I tried to have myself admitted to psych ward here in my town. Buy since I wasnt a threat to myself or to anyone else they would not admit me. I have been put into an outpatient program! I have been diagnosed with an "adjustment disorder". I'm on meds and I start seeing a counselor this upcoming Monday. I went back to Al-anon this week and I have been reading quite a bit of literature from them as well. It has helped some. I am trying to take one day and make it about me. I do have to make sure I'm taking care of D that still lives with me at home.
I have been not responding to H text messages and if I do it is not immediately. Now I picked up some of his meds today (nice I know) but now I'm getting text messages about how he needs them and he can't believe I didn't bring them to him and how he is starting to resent me. Wow that one hurt. I just ignores them. I know or am most certain that H is drinking and lashing out at me. But words hurt.

I am trying. It's hard after almost 20yrs together where I did everything for him and picked up the pieces and made everything work out to not do that now is hard. It takes so much to NOT fix things or bend over and let him have what he wants. I would have said needs but nope I think it's more wants than needs. He is hurting and needs to blame someone. I'm that someone. He can't blame himself or accept the blame for his actions so blame me! Take it out on someone who has always taken it and never left.


wife of an addict
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I am so sorry to read that things haven't been going well for you. I know that the outpatient program isn't what you had hoped for, but it's a start and now you have some idea as to what you are dealing with. Hopefully, in time, you will feel better

It's best not to respond to your h's texts because all he's doing is blaming you and the entire world for his problems. I would slowly cease doing things for him like picking up his meds and running errands for him. He's a big boy and can do those things for himself. After all, most places are open until 8-9 PM each and every night. If he needs to grow up, accept his faults and work on himself and as long as you continue to do things for him, he's not going to do that. I know, you've done this for him the entire marriage, but right now, that old marriage is a dead one.

It's time to put yourself first and get well. Your h needs to face the consequences of his actions and you can't help him...he has to do it himself.

Tab, it's time to take care of YOU! Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Job thank you. I do know that I need to put me 1st. It's hard and I feel so guilty about doing that!!!

Just got a text from H that woke me up that H said he trained a lawyer today. Not sure how or what. I'm freaking out!!!


wife of an addict
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