A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
Call 303-444-7004 to get started right away.

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Originally Posted By: Sotto
I find it incredible that the Duck has been with your H for so long and doesn't actually have links with his kids.....I just don't get that and wonder why you would remain in a R when that's the case?
I think Mr. P was largely acting out of respect for me. Remember we had a written (but not legally binding) separation agreement. We spelled out lots of things, and one of those was that the kids wouldn't be exposed to the duck while we were M. Not in person, not on FB, not in pictures in his apartment, not by phone, etc. He kept to that, and our D has only been final two months. I think he tried to introduce the duck to D18, but she just wouldn't have anything to do with her. Of the three, she would be the most resistant, probably a bad starting point.

Now, why the duck stays is beyond me. But not my problem.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
It is a tricky balance. How do you model your beliefs to your children without passing judgment on your WAS?

For me, I did it pretty head on. "Different people have different views on divorce. Some people are of the belief that if the marriage is difficult it can be better to separate so both individuals can find peace and children can be raised without conflict. I don't subscribe to this belief. Personally I am in the camp that marriage is a permanent commitment, that you stay with someone throughout your entire life, through good times and bad, and accept that life doesn't always give you everything you want and instead find ways to be appreciative for what you have, and that divorce and tearing apart a family is a tremendously destructive act and shouldn't be considered unless there is a life threatening situation. So in no way was any of this my choice. However I am not suggesting your mother is a bad person, she simply subscribes to a different set of beliefs about when divorce is appropriate than I do."

As for new partners, XW is now with someone that wasn't the original OM (or OM #2 or OM #s 3-5). She was with him prior to our D being finalized but it's not the man that my kids were asking about, the stranger that's sleeping in mom's room. So none of it is as offputting as that. Even still, he's someone that would associate with a woman before her D was final, and someone that would partner up with a woman that walked out on her marriage. I guess this is pretty normal these days, but not for me. (I promise that I will NEVER partner with a woman that initiated a divorce. If she was divorced her story had better be that her H walked out on her and she DB'd her butt off for years, if 'it was mutual' or 'I had to leave because...' I don't need to hear the rest of it, unless she can show me scars from where she was physically assaulted.) So I don't have any deep admiration for this man. But frankly between the two of them I have less respect for XW, and she's their mom, the one modelling breaking up a family and keeping me from the kids half the time. So if I can live with that I think I can live with some other guy that becomes their second dad.

In the end none of it matters to me. I'll never be chummy with either of them, I'll never have any emotional connection, and indeed I'll be so disconnected the only thing my kids will ever pick up is that I wasn't willing to get close to either of them. No venom, no animosity, no passive aggressive behavior, just a clinical professional business relationship when the need to communicate or share a building existed. DB coach did chide me a bit for not being friendly and chatty when we swapped children, but that simply wasn't a possibility for me, so the kids will have to suffer the harm that does. I'll live with that because it's the best I can do.

But as for you Sunny, what a lot of crap to deal with this week. I'm sorry about your cut. And your loss. And having to endure the presence of a woman that was involved in the destruction of your family.

I think the truth is best Sunny, so saying you don't approve of the way their relationship began or that she'd play a role in the destruction of a family and marriage, and for that reason you don't want her in your life...I think that's ok. You can say something similar that she simply shares different beliefs, that you understand she may become part of your children's life, and that you won't be upset if they get along with her because you understand it's not their choice either, it's just them accepting what life is giving them.

I have no advice about getting over your boyfriend. Lot of suffering in this world, even for super awesome people. It stinks. I guess the only bright side to any of this is you can tell people you were bit by an alligator...


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,965
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,965
Sunny, sorry to hear about your finger.

Interesting debate. And an issue that I may have to face.

I have decided on my stance that D will never attend xh's wedding to TP. Unless she is old enough to tell me that she wants to. TP knowingly and maliciously broke up my family. Xh will have to leave with that.

I will never be friends with her. She has no part in my life. Her involvement with kid will be curated because kid is a threat to her and her children's standing in the family. When kid is old enough to stand up for herself, she is free to decide.

I will get on with life and not be consumed by my hatred of her.

When you mention the duck, I keep seeing annoying pouty 'duck lips' in my head. wink


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Thanks, Zues. Lots of good stuff to think about.

My finger is not quite bad enough for anyone to believe the alligator story. In fact, it's healing nicely. smile But yesterday in Boca Raton some woman was taken to the hospital with a nurse shark still attached to her arm. Maybe I'll use that one.

Grl, I don't really hate the duck. I do feel like she's a bad example for my kids. But then again, so is their dad. And both their grandmothers. If I start excluding people based on affairs, well, I'll probably end up living in a cave somewhere. You and Zues can come over for tea occasionally. smile



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,965
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,965
Lol, Sunny. I read about the shark story.

You're such a sweet person; I don't think anyone will ever let you retire to a cave. I, on the other hand, may need to invite you to my cave or my nunnery, some time in the future.

Your children are grown enough to know what's happening. They can see that their mum wins hands down in the class, morals and every other department.

Agree with what Zues said too about not whitewashing the truth.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Not going to weigh in on the exes' current romances. But I do want to say how lovely it is that we're moving forward with post-D lives, and that whatever heartache (real and imagined) we are feeling, it's nice that there's a tinge of sweetness to it, rather than the bitter we all were enduring when we met. There are many things about my life that are better now, but I count my virtual friends here very high on that list.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Originally Posted By: Zues126
If I were with a woman I'd want her to stay the heck away from any guys, particularly any she was intimate with historically. I'm not interested in whether she is sad at the inability to preserve a friendship. If she wants a relationship with another guy, then she's not getting one with me.
Zues, we get different things from different people. My friendships with guys are different from friendships with women, and I need it all in my life. If you make a woman exclude all men, it's a lot of pressure on you to be all that. I'm not sure that's a good thing.

Before I was M, I had a lot of guy friends, in fact, maybe most of my friends were men. But to be clear, while I was M, I did not have any friendships with men that consisted of anything more than maybe sitting next to one another and chatting at our kids' soccer game or at a party. I didn't do anything social with just one man (who wasn't Mr. P), ever. But I do love being around guys and they bring something to my life that women just don't.

Is it your belief that what I did was out of bounds for you? Not picking at you, just asking for your perspective.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
I think there's a difference between friends and friendly acquaintances.

If I am at a social function, be it work, church, etc, and there are women I get along with, there's no harm in having a conversation. If it's a recurring situation like a lot of time spent with another married couple it would make sense they'd become kind of 'extended family'. And if there were a couple of women at work where we'd talk about work stuff once in a while, or keep tabs on the major changes in each other's life (oh, you're buying a house, where is it, etc), that's fine as well. I might enjoy sharing a cartoon I thought they'd find funny, and I could see enjoying the interactions we had as we made fun of the new rules that corporate rolled out, or whatever. But I wouldn't consider any of these friends with a capital F. If they moved away and I no longer saw them at work or church or whatever, I wouldn't be keeping in touch with them to continue that relationship.

To me a Friend with a capital F is someone who you open up to at a deeper level emotionally. Someone who you don't just tell about the outer part of your life, but that you share your inner self with. Someone that you connect with throughout the week or even daily to support each other through, connect emotionally, discuss personal problems with, call on your drive home, and text message when you think of them at midnight. In my view that's not an appropriate relationship with someone of the opposite gender for someone that is married. Or for me at all.

I have a best friend, we talk a few times a day, and sometimes we just leave each other messages throughout the day. We are like brothers. I have a few other good friends that I connect with weekly, and spend time with here and there. I have a few friends that moved away that I still keep tabs on. But none of them are women.

So to put it this way, I am friendly with a few women, but I am not Friends with any of them.

I'm not preaching what's ok for other people. But this is where the line is for me. And I wouldn't be ok with my wife being tethered for ongoing support and emotional vulnerability with another man. While I understand that some people might be able to do that, I know some marriages survive open relationships as well. That wouldn't work for me either. In the end I think it's a slippery slope and the marriage is too important to play with fire. And after witnessing the vast number of failed marriages and betrayals as I have over the last couple of years, I couldn't imagine tying myself to someone that wasn't equally vigilant.

Hope you're having a good day Sunny!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Someone who you don't just tell about the outer part of your life, but that you share your inner self with. Someone that you connect with throughout the week or even daily to support each other through, connect emotionally, discuss personal problems with, call on your drive home, and text message when you think of them at midnight. In my view that's not an appropriate relationship with someone of the opposite gender for someone that is married.
Agree wholeheartedly. That's for your spouse and it's playing with fire to do it with someone else. Protecting the relationship comes first, exactly what Mr. P didn't do. I asked him once why cheating had to be a part of it, if he was so miserable, why didn't he just leave me without bringing that element into it? His answer was that the sex was just a natural progression of their relationship. Which, as a married man, he had no business being in that type of relationship to begin with.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
My H had an (in my mind) inappropriate friendship with a co-worker. It always made me uncomfortable. He dismissed my feelings, became defensive, said i was too sensitive and jealous.

They are now in a serious relationship. He says he didn't cheat on me because they didn't start dating until after he walked out on me. He says that dating her is unrelated to his walking out on our marriage. He also has a great bridge in Brooklyn to sell you if you are interested.

I think the friendship is inappropriate if the spouse feels uncomfortable with it. My stbx has many female friends. I was not threatened by his happily married friends from college that he kept in touch with who were also open and friendly to me. This woman who is now his gf? The one that was almost 10 years younger and single? Who brought him gifts of food? And texted him late at night? Not ok, obviously.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004