SunnyB, I'm going to have to deal with this, sooner rather than later, too. My stbx's gf is someone he has worked with, mentored, for almost as long as he's known me. She was just out of college, he was already 30 when they started working together. She's been part of his life through our whole relationship. She sent me a congratulatory note when our D was born, but he also kept a clear boundary between me and her.
I will likely have to face her (and see her with my D) many times over the next few decades. I can't hold onto the anger forever. He is icky, their relationship and how it began leaves an awful taste in my mouth... but for my D5's sake, I have to be a grownup about it. The thought of it makes me nauseous and it may be the hardest thing about all of this. But what choice is there? Be bitter and make my D feel uncomfortable? No, I will show her I am just as worthy and strong. My D will never be made to feel bad for -- gasp -- liking the OW.
I don't think you need to ask to be introduced, but you can speak with your actions. If your paths cross (which they will probably do eventually ), you can just act gracious and cordial. You can also make it clear to your kids that they don't have to feel protective of you.
My grandmother held a huge grudge against the woman my grandpa left her for-- my mom always felt so guilty because she always liked his 2nd wife (even more than she liked her own mother). Let's just say it caused my mom some life -long issues she's had to deal with. I won't ever put my daughter through that.
Claire, my girls are part of my heartburn. They know what happened. They know he cheated, they know they worked together and she had met our family and deliberately chose to participate in ripping our family apart. I don't want them to think I'm just rolling over on that.
I guess what you are saying is that there is a middle ground that may fall out naturally, somewhere between enemies and friends. And that's fine, if I hadn't already taken so hard of a stand with Mr. P about her. Given what I've already said, there's no way he would know I've softened any at all unless I bring it up.
My situation was a little difference because this woman was in my daughter's life before she was even a year old. And when they moved in together and subsequently got married, I realized my daughter was going to have this woman in her life no matter how much I detested what she did.
I viewed her as a moral less whore. I still struggle with humanizing her. besides the fact I was struggling with some other woman coming into my family when me and my daughter were building our special bond. I did not want my D to go to her wedding because I felt like I was backing down on my morals, and for my D to witness the union, made me ill. She was 3 at the time.
Honestly, I don't know what I would have done if my daughter was in her teens. I've done this strictly to make sure my young daughter doesn't grow up uncomfortable.
It's ok you don't know which way to go with this right now. If your kids aren't concerned about meeting her yet, and you haven't, there is not rush.
When the "grudge" becomes too much of a burden to YOU and is weighing you down too hard, you make your decision then.
It's also something you don't have to worry about until a your kids do meet her an dis invited to an event. I imagine you will go to that event, see her there, be cordial, and go on with life. It doesn't have to be anything more than that. You don't need to bake pies, and braid each others hair. And remember, if the day does come when you meet, it's not you backing down on your morals. it's you doing whats right to keep your inner peace or doing whats best for your kids at the time. It will never have to do with her.
And just to come clean, I texted My Nica over the weekend. He started it, I responded pretty readily. And then last night I cut my finger badly, texted him, and he called to check on me. We aren't "back together", nothing has changed, really, but I somehow feel comforted that he's there in the background somewhere. Hit me upside the head if you must...
Hi Sunny , the deal breaker , without telling us , can it be figured out ? My thoughts would be try every avenue and then give yourself time I'm sure this is what you did anyway but is it only your issue to resolve or can Mr Nica change things on his side.
Re the OW , personally I wouldn't entertain her in anyway , ever. You don't need to be rude but you also don't need to have anyone in your life you don't need to
I would t give her anymore headspace. Again time can change feelings so let it play out. At the moment Mr Nica and that sitch needs resolving so think on that
Hope the finger being hurt ( not that I'm suggesting you did it on purpose ) was worth the texting with Mr Nica
I get it, I really do. I struggle with what to tell my D5 about why we got divorced if she ever asks... "*We*" decided we couldn't be married anymore doesn't feel true to me. I totally hear what you are saying about wanting to pass on your values to your kids.
But I have a hunch they know where you stand. And I think you can be cordial to someone without teeing their friend.
I got an email from MWD today that discussed how forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. (I would add that it's a gift you give your kids, too.. to show them that we can have the capacity to forgive, even if we don't forget).
Hmm, this is an interesting debate. In my sitch I have no plans to be 'friends' with OW - but me and H don't have kids together. I do keep in touch with my stepson and he's old enough now that I contact him direct and keep his Mum in the loop.
It is different when you have kids I think and important that the kids don't feel bad for getting along with OP. Reading your sitch, I find it incredible that the Duck has been with your H for so long and doesn't actually have links with his kids.....I just don't get that and wonder why you would remain in a R when that's the case?
I think the main question to always ask is - who do I want to be in all of this? What do I want to look back upon and remember about myself?
Hope your finger is all better - no 2x4s from me about Mr Nica - but do act in your own best longer term interests if the deal breaker is truly a deal breaker for you.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus